AIBU to ask for a handhold. My DD has come out as transgender

[AEJS]

This weekend my 14 year old DD told us she wanted to be a boy.
Whilst we are not surprised by this, she has always been a tomboy and has dressed in ‘boys’ clothes for 3 years now. She has a short haircut and completely rejects anything feminine, to actually hear her say it has come as a huge shock.

We have agreed initially to help her make small changes about the things that upset her the most, but nothing that can’t be reversed. After much research I have reluctantly agreed she can wear a breast binder and I have made her an appointment with the GP about going on the pill to stop her periods. While we are there we will also ask about counselling.

As a parent I feel completely distraught and totally out of my depth. I have no experience of this at all. I am spending my days crying and researching and then pulling on a brave face when she comes home from school. She knows I’m not finding it easy but has no idea how upset I am.

I have told her that whatever happens we love her and are behind her 100%.

Anyone any words of wisdom? Any voices of experience?
Thank you all for reading.

All children deserve compassion, understanding and reassurance. But children who think they're transgender deserve counselling and advice.

I'm a bit confused by your post contrabassista. Has anyone said they wouldn't refer to the Tavi? That seems like a pretty sensible course of action to me.

orchid - I think some have said just to ignore as amassing trend and cut off internet access

Sorry - a passing trend, not amassing trend

For some it is a passing trend. ROGD is a thing. There are many many young women who are unhappy with puberty (as most young women are) who are now latching on to trans as a way of explaining that. They aren't trans. They're just experiencing the body dysphoria that most young women experience when they go through puberty. There are hundreds of accounts on here about it. Hundreds. It's totally a thing. It doesn't mean you're trans. Just that you don't want tits or periods. And frankly who does?

mousefunkyWhen I was at school it was cool to be bisexual and many people jumped on that bandwagon. Some later came out as gay but most were completely heterosexual and clearly just going through a phase or trying to be cool. I feel like transgender is the new bisexual in that sense.

I am friends with a transgender man and he has agreed with this current trend amongst teens. He knew he was trans from a young age but did the wait and see approach to ensure he felt the same as an adult and didn’t transition fully until he was 23.

It’s important to acknowledge your DD’s feelings and counselling is a great idea but I don’t think breast binders and hormones are a great idea at this stage. Many girls are put on the pill at a young age but the hormones can make PMS and puberty much, much worse. Breast binders are damaging.

this...
I agree, this is such a massive 'issue' in schools at present, there is absolutely no way we can have such high numbers of transgender kids..
There are some very good support agencies on line op.

anti trans propaganda like Transgender Trend
Are you referring to the right thing? What's anti trans about the resource you mentioned? (Specifically)

I am a transwoman so my experiences may be completely different to that of someone who was born female and wishes to transition to male. That being said, I thought I'd share my thoughts anyway because I have been through this and thought it might be helpful for the OP to get a trans perspective.

First of all, I am glad you have made an appointment with the GP and are willing to discuss counselling. That's the first step out of the way. Whilst you are at the GP, I really would recommend pushing for that counselling referral before doing anything else. I would hold off doing anything physical for now, so no breast binders and defiantly no puberty blockers.

Just take your time with this and make sure your daughter attends those counselling sessions. Hopefully she will open up to the counsellor and will be able to be honest about why she feels this way, why she wants to be a boy and how she thinks this will help her.

In the meantime just support her. If she asks you to call her 'him' and asks you to call her by a specific masculine name then go along with it. Also make sure she knows she can talk to you about anything and that you will support her no matter what.

I agree with other posters here that there isn't much that can (or should) be done at this stage other than wait and see. She might decide in a few years time that she is happy with being female and that she isn't trans. That is fine. Alternatively, she might come to the conclusion that she will be better off transitioning in which case support her if that is the decision she makes and make sure she knows you will support her if she chooses to go down the path.

Whatever you do though, please don't lie to her and tell her she can change sex because that's just cruel. If I had been told I could change sex as a teenager I would have been crushed when I found out it wasn't possible and I dread to think what I would have done. Luckily my parents were supportive and didn't lie to me.

I disagree with the posters who say that transitioning early is the best thing to do. It wouldn't have been the best thing for me and it wouldn't have been the best thing for other trans people I know. Unless those posters are talking about socially transitioning rather than physical transitioning of course. The former is okay if that's what helps the person suffering from gender dysphoria but physical transitioning is a definite no no. As far as I can see, nobody is objecting to the OP's daughter socially transitioning.

I socially transitioned as a teenager and became known as 'she' and by my feminine name but I didn't start physically transitioning until later. After I had grown up, matured, been given guidance and counselling to help me make sure I was making the right decision. Gender reassignment is one of the biggest life changes you can make and it's not something that should be taken lightly or something that someone should feel pressured into doing.

When I was a teenager I hated going to my counselling sessions. I hated my body and I hated the fact I couldn't get gender reassignment right there and then. I hated the fact that I couldn't start changing my body straight away and if I had been offered puberty blockers then I would have jumped at the chance.

However looking back as an adult I can see that puberty blockers would not have been right for me at the time. Looking back I'm glad that I couldn't start physically transitioning and that my parents made me attend counselling because it helped me get my head straight and helped me figure out whether all of this was what would help me. So I don't agree that a teenage automatically has it all figured out and knows what's best and what they want.

There's nothing much for the OP to do at this stage other than keep the dialogue open and make sure her daughter knows she is there for her.

That seems sound advice, GuineaPigs.

I also disagree that Mumsnet is transphobic and tbh, it annoys me that that word is being tossed around so casually these days with no consideration as to what consequences it might have.

It has gotten to the point where I am actually worried that if something genuinely transphobic does happen then it won't be taken seriously.

I have been on the receiving end of transphobia.

I am still yet to see anything transphobic on here, either on this thread or elsewhere.

It is not helpful to just throw the word around as if it doesn't mean anything. It belittles what genuine transphobia is and just makes a mockery of the whole thing.

GuineaPigsAreReal Your advice is sound. I'm not trans but have learned about the issue. OP, Please listen to this, speak to TT and do get your DD counselling. I can only imagine the turmoil you must be feeling but there is good support out there. There is a very good chance your DD will grow out of this, just love her and support her as she finds her way but look after you too.

I did wonder about this post:

Congrats you have won most transphobic comment of the day. you had some tough competition.

which was in response to how a person born female and raised female would probably retain some female socialisation when they transitioned to male.

I can't see how that is transphobic at all, surely it's a fair point?

I wonder how people here would feel if they had an accident and were left in indescribable pain but were told that they had to wait 4 years before they would be prescribed anything to help with the pain. That's what you are advocating.

Except that is not what people are advocating at all.

Nobody here wants to take away support for trans people and deny them any help.

In fact there have been several posts here recommending counselling and appropriate mental health support.

Think of the counselling and that mental health support as being the prescription for the pain. Now do you understand?

Those children deserve our compassion, our understanding and our reassurance that just as soon doctors are convinced that it is right, that they will be given treatment.

I agree and nobody on here has stated that they don't deserve compassion or understanding. Just because we think it's wrong to give children life changing drugs doesn't mean we don't think they deserve support and that it automatically equals a hatred of trans people.

You're right Fairenuff it wasn't transphobic at all. It's no different to me saying that I grew up male and was socialised as such even though I have taken steps to make my body resemble that of a female.

Who do people think they're helping every time they shout "transphobe!"? It's not the people they think they're helping.

Guinea, that’s your experience as a trans woman and on the whole great advice. But it’s not the experience of a trans boy and it’s inherently different. The WHO have stopped using the term Gender Dysphoria now. I suggest we listen to their advice. We have been so lucky to have nothing but amazing support from my our GP and Tavistock. My son is transitioning in his own way at his own pace. He is not rushing anything or pressured into anything. It’s not the trend people think it is. Try a month on hormone therapy and tell me it’s because it’s “the in thing.” Please.
And yes I use the term transphobic as many of these posts are. Go back 15 years and use the word gay. You’ll be seen to be on the wrong side of history in a few years. I hope that not too many young people lack support till they get the recognition they deserve.

I hate it when other people say this but I honestly think the world has gone mad.

In what universe could it possibly be considered bigoted or transphobic to object to bloody children undergoing physical gender reassignment?

FFS!

Your advice seems very sensible GuineaPigs. And I assume it can't be transphobic, given you're a transwoman. Good to know we're on the sane page.

I wonder how many adults we will have in ten/twenty years who are furious at their parents for engaging so blindly in this trend.

And you can't compare being gay to being transgender. One involves considerable irreversible physical changes that a teenager is too young to properly consent to. One does not.

At what point has anyone mentioned children having surgery?

Shouting transphobia is simply an attempt to shut down all debate. It will end up harming people, just like the boy who cried wolf.

And yes I use the term transphobic as many of these posts are.

And yet nobody can ever link to all of these so-called transphobic posts. Funny that.

Nobody ever wants to address the multiple transphobic assaults I have been on the receiving end of from men either. Instead they'd much rather yell at women on Mumsnet instead. Weird.

Again nobody is objecting to the OP's daughter getting support. People have suggested counselling, going to the GP and gender clinics. People do however object to her mutilating her body before she has even had the chance to figure out who she is and what she wants.

Teenagers don’t get anything remotely irreversible. Please read up before making such statements. Guinea may be trans but is a trans woman so can’t understand the process of a trans man. Just as I can’t understand what it is to be a man. Same thing. They have had different experiences. It doesn’t make guinea’s the only and most valid.

At what point has anyone mentioned children having surgery?

You mentioned hormone therapy? That's not reversible.

And I assume it can't be transphobic, given you're a transwoman

Lots of people would disagree with you on that one .

I am so glad I am not a kid today.