AIBU to ask for a handhold. My DD has come out as transgender

[AEJS]

This weekend my 14 year old DD told us she wanted to be a boy.
Whilst we are not surprised by this, she has always been a tomboy and has dressed in ‘boys’ clothes for 3 years now. She has a short haircut and completely rejects anything feminine, to actually hear her say it has come as a huge shock.

We have agreed initially to help her make small changes about the things that upset her the most, but nothing that can’t be reversed. After much research I have reluctantly agreed she can wear a breast binder and I have made her an appointment with the GP about going on the pill to stop her periods. While we are there we will also ask about counselling.

As a parent I feel completely distraught and totally out of my depth. I have no experience of this at all. I am spending my days crying and researching and then pulling on a brave face when she comes home from school. She knows I’m not finding it easy but has no idea how upset I am.

I have told her that whatever happens we love her and are behind her 100%.

Anyone any words of wisdom? Any voices of experience?
Thank you all for reading.

TheyBuiltThePyramids

I've had 3 thanks. My own niece is transgender had the transition in their teens. Living a happy health life as they had a family which supported them. Not a family which rebuked them and read transphobic websites.

GibbertyFibbert excellent point!

can reassure you the trans guys I know are some of the loveliest, happiest and most contented people I have ever met.

I'm sure they are, seeing as they grew up and were socialised as women.

daimbars

Brilliant post.

it seems people are willing to allow OP's dd wait for years to make her mind up aka just wait until she gives up.

The majority of teenagers with gender dysphoria grow out of and end up being comfortable with the sex they were born.

That is why people are suggesting the wait and see approach. Chances are, the OP's DD won't identify as trans in a few years time and will come to accept herself as female.

It is irresponsible to suggest that she binds her breasts and is put on puberty blockers when there is a good chance she won't want to transition in the future.

Of course the OP's DD should be supported. Nobody is saying she shouldn't be supported and given guidance. Nobody is saying she shouldn't socially transition and be a 'he' for now if that what helps her.

What people are saying however is that no physical transition should be made at this point.

HollyGibney

I'm sure they are, seeing as they grew up and were socialised as women.

Congrats you have won most transphobic comment of the day. you had some tough competition.

Yay! Go me! 🥇

Claiming that being a transgender is damaging

Nobody is claiming that being transgender is damaging.

What they are saying however is that physically transitioning in adolescence is damaging to the body.

Breast binding is certainly damaging.

Puberty blockers are damaging.

My close friends dd did the same...with full backing!!!! Of the school nurse,she was suddenly very popular over night.a number of kids in the school have done the same,it's talked about a lot at school,confused kids latch on to it ,trying to find their own identity...my friend spent many a night sobbing and worried...but luckily within a year it had fizzled out ,and her dd was back to wearing her usual clothes,she has since said ,as explation ...she was just confused,andpeople who said they were transgender were popular...

PleaseDontGoadTheToad

The majority of teenagers with gender dysphoria grow out of and end up being comfortable with the sex they were born.

In short you are just waiting till she gives up. The will find an excuse to why she felt the way she did.

"just breastbinders"?

Breast binding is on par with breast ironing - a dangerous practice that destroys healthy tissue, causes pain and (possible) irreversible physical damage.

It's not "just" anything.

Which is the most damaging outcome:

a) child is transgender and doesn't start to transition until they are an adult

b) child transitions during puberty then realises that they are not transgender when they are an adult

I ask because none of us can know, the OP can't know and possibly even the child can't know, until they are an adult.

Interesting that pray away the gay has become pray away the trans. Why is it that transadvocates are so averse to gender questioning kids deciding they're actually gay?

It's a bit disturbing that the approach recommended by the only NHS gender clinic is deemed transphobic by some on this thread.

In short you are just waiting till she gives up.

So you're saying that the people who had gender dysphoria and thought they were trans as teens who ended up desisting and being comfortable with their birth sex are all just lying about being happy? Okay then.

When I was 14 I wore flared trousers and fancied Rod Stewart. It passed. (Some aspects of my fourteen year old self are still with me, but other things - while intensely felt at the time - were of short duration.)

Also ,she said once she had come out ..and got people to call her by a boys name ,and had the school allow her to use the teachers toilets ,she felt to much pressure to go back to her original name and sex. She felt she had to stick with it,which is why it took a year to sort out .luckily her exams weren't effected

When I was at school it was cool to be bisexual and many people jumped on that bandwagon. Some later came out as gay but most were completely heterosexual and clearly just going through a phase or trying to be cool. I feel like transgender is the new bisexual in that sense.

I am friends with a transgender man and he has agreed with this current trend amongst teens. He knew he was trans from a young age but did the wait and see approach to ensure he felt the same as an adult and didn’t transition fully until he was 23.

It’s important to acknowledge your DD’s feelings and counselling is a great idea but I don’t think breast binders and hormones are a great idea at this stage. Many girls are put on the pill at a young age but the hormones can make PMS and puberty much, much worse. Breast binders are damaging.

I think (know) loads of kids are doing it because it's cool.

Normally because (and again, this has been said to me by quite a few), there is so much pressure on teenage girls to look a certain way now, that if they don't fit that model and never will (not naturally slim/pretty etc) they will simply aspire to be something else instead that is seen to be interesting/cool/something worth instagramming about.

FFS. It actually makes me angry. Of course there is a tiny minority who actually have been born in the wrong body (or assigned the 'wrong' sex at birth) but seriously, as many as make out there are now?! Really??! Actually pretty insulting to those who genuinely do need support.

Same goes for lesbianism. Seen to be cool amongst the girls. Trying out anything. I 100% blame the internet. I just wonder where we are going to be in 20 years time when these teenagers have all grown up and wonder what the fuck they were doing and their parents were helping them to do as confused teenagers.

Nothing wrong with being a non girly girl. Does not mean at all she should become a he. She was born a girl and he is girl. I would be focusing on just being the best version of you that you can possibly be.

I promised myself that I was going to back away from these discussions as this whole thing is really beginning to take it's toll on me and have an impact in real life but I just had to rereg when I saw how this thread was going.

I am not even sure where to begin with this tbh as this whole thread has gone completely bonkers but I'll just placemark here and I'll be back.

When I was 14 I was a goth. I was convinced I'd be a goth forever. It was really important to me. If I'd had the opportunity to have goth-style makeup tattooed on my face, I'd have taken it.

I still like the music, but it's not my 'identity' in any way now. I'm glad that there are no permanent markers of it. I'm also glad that my family didn't ridicule me, call it a phase or refuse to let me dress how I wanted as a teenager. Teenage girls thinking they are trans/non-binary is the latest teenage subculture. That's fine, but making irreversible changes based on something they are likely to think differently about in a year or two isn't, The minority who are genuinely trans can transition as adults.

I would be wary of the "affirmation/breastbinding/the pill is the only option - or you're transphobic" posters here.

I say that because 80% of teens with gender confusion desist later on, and there is massive social contagion going on.

My DS is 13, and a girl in his class came out as a trans boy last year - has already changed back to a girl. I would seriously consider pyramid's advice.

I wonder how people here would feel if they had an accident and were left in indescribable pain but were told that they had to wait 4 years before they would be prescribed anything to help with the pain. That's what you are advocating. Yes, some - perhaps many - trans-identifying children will relent and we need to be careful, but equally for those with deep gender dysphoria experiencing the wrong puberty can be horrifically painful. Those children deserve our compassion, our understanding and our reassurance that just as soon doctors are convinced that it is right, that they will be given treatment.

this whole thread has gone completely bonkers

Has it? I think it's a fairly standard advice to OP thread. Yes posters have different views but don't they always?

Please ignore everything you have read here. I have a 19 year old trans son. He came out at 15 and yes it was a bit of a shock but not totally unexpected. Ask your gp for a referral to Tavistock as they are incredible. The transphobic comments here are both harmful and insulting to trans young people who have come out. If you’d like to message me directly I’d me more than happy to be in contact.
My son is in the middle of his A levels, predicted three As, happy, fulfilled and benefitting from a supporting family and friendship group that don’t belittle his identity like the comments above. Mumsnet needs to look at this transphobic bias as it’s getting out of hand. When people need support it should be given with facts, not hysteria and a total lack of respect and understanding.
Your child is so fortunate that you’re seeking advice and have been supporting. As you can see, so many wouldn’t be so fortunate sadly.

No child is born in the wrong body. Everyone is born in their own body. It is not possible to change sex.