AIBU to ask for a handhold. My DD has come out as transgender

[AEJS]

This weekend my 14 year old DD told us she wanted to be a boy.
Whilst we are not surprised by this, she has always been a tomboy and has dressed in ‘boys’ clothes for 3 years now. She has a short haircut and completely rejects anything feminine, to actually hear her say it has come as a huge shock.

We have agreed initially to help her make small changes about the things that upset her the most, but nothing that can’t be reversed. After much research I have reluctantly agreed she can wear a breast binder and I have made her an appointment with the GP about going on the pill to stop her periods. While we are there we will also ask about counselling.

As a parent I feel completely distraught and totally out of my depth. I have no experience of this at all. I am spending my days crying and researching and then pulling on a brave face when she comes home from school. She knows I’m not finding it easy but has no idea how upset I am.

I have told her that whatever happens we love her and are behind her 100%.

Anyone any words of wisdom? Any voices of experience?
Thank you all for reading.

Nike I've disussed transgender issues with my daughter - but more in relation to theory, ongoing political stuff, her mates etc. She's very aware that my views are different from hers.

My feeling is that it is quite important to be authentic and honest. So one can tell a young person that you are listening to them and that as a parent the one thing you want is their happiness. But I think it's also valid to say that - as a parent - you find the topic quite confusing, especially as there is a great deal of different, contradictory information flying about and some of this information may not actually fit with the young person's exact circumstances. So that everyone needs a little time to think, rather than grabbing at the nearest thing on the basis that immediate action is better than 'watching and waiting.'

My niece rejected all aspects of ‘femininity’ from the age of about two. She was also a deeply unhappy child. She hated school, social situations and didn’t seem to cope with everyday life. There were 2 serious suicide attempts by the age of 13. When she was 14 she spoke with my sister and said she felt deep down inside she was a boy and would not be happy until everyone accepted her as one.

My sister handles it brilliantly and spoke with the rest of the family on how to deal
with it. Since that day the family have addressed her by her chosen name, used her chosen pronouns and whilst not allowing anything permanent until she was 18 let her live how she wanted. What we got that day was a happy, full of life son/nephew/grandson. It’s been a joy to watch. She has recently graduated from university, is touring with an all-male singing group and is beginning the surgical re-assignment journey.

I have no truck with people who insist on referring to him as ‘she’ because people who have no experience and won’t be affected by this say people can’t change sex. All I know is he is a happy and wonderful young man.

I know that this can be a fad, but for some people it’s real.

If I came on here asking for help because my child wanted to identify as the opposite sex, it would make me sick to see random strangers suddenly calling my daughter, who I birthed and raised as a beloved child, 'he' and 'son'. Posters doing it are virtue signalling without thinking for a second how the OP, a mother to a daughter, may feel about it.

Isn't she very young to be thinking of this, i mean hormones are raging at the moment

Binder damage please take a close look anything that binds or restrict growth feet or corsets

Instead seer her to women whom are not feminine but are not trans

Sandie toxific ect

The pill made my periods heavy and long and also exclarated the growth of my fribrods

Just say that’s ok. Continue as you are, don’t put a 14 year old on the pill or bond her breasts. Transgender is the new lesbian amongst teenage girls. Say there’s no need to label, she can just be herself. Donor contact any of the brain washing support groups

Wtf are people calling this woman’s daughter her son???? Jesus Christ the worlds gone fucking mad. Pseudo liberalism at its finest

Distinguishing the "fad" from the "real" (don't jump on me;I am quoting from a poster above) is very hard at this age. I think you should make as little of it as possible. Tell her it matters not one jot what she decides, as you love her dearly whatever. And say that you can talk together as time goes by about what the best approach might be when she is older.

How hard for these young people to feel that not being interested in feminine things now means you need to transition to a male.

We just need to ditch the idea of feminine masculine things/dress/interests etc and help them to simply "be".

Posters doing it are virtue signalling
Exactly! It's not about concern for OP or her child, it's all about them.

*AskAuntLydia

Wait and see for what? She's most likely been feeling this way for months even years? Just admit that you don't like trans people instead of acting like you have the child's interests at heart.*

Do not project your dislike of feminists, onto me. Every time a transactivist accuses me of dislike or hatred, I know they dislike or hate me: it's pure projection. Being concerned that a child will be frogmarched onto a path that she has a very strong probability of regretting, when it is irrevocable, is not a symptom of dislike or hatred or bigotry or transphobia or any of the other shit that gets thrown at feminists for not believing this reactionary ideology; it is the sign of being a responsible adult.

80% of children who are convinced they are the opposite sex, grow out of it by adulthood. 80%.

Those odds are too huge to ignore. Anyone who would do so, is putting their ideology ahead of a child's welfare.

Bearhunter09 and Nikephorus you are the exact sort of people that I was describing in my post. I would be removing my nephew from your presence.

I think we should respect the OP and use the pronouns for her daughter that she is using. The OP is seeking support and hand holding.

Bearhunter very well said.

OP

GIRES, Mermaids, Allsorts and those types of orgs are not your friend or your daughters.

Seek proper help and read trans gender trend, 4th wave now and LilyMaynard.

Very true. I think it's so sad this thread was hijacked by people want to push their anti trans agenda.

Horseshit, frankly. This is a sanctimonious attempt at silencing.

I would be removing my nephew from your presence.

Posie freakishly I am watching you being interviewed on a YouTube video while reading this thread and seeing your post.

I would be removing my nephew from your presence.

So?

I forgot to add that I am also concerned that some of the radical transactivists on here seem to be on such a crusade to force their opinions on others and make everyone agree with them, that it worries me what their response would be to their child if their child suddenly decided they were not trans. A few of the mothers on here seem way too eager, like it is a crusade, like they are achieving something perhaps attention through their child identifying as the opposite gender to their birth. That I think they would be very deflated if their child changed course and basically let the wind out of the sails of their crusade. I feel like they would attempt to discourage their child from going back, and be upset that the child changed their mind. Such is the almost radical fervour on here by a few, that I think their child had better stay trans or else they will end on the outer with their parent.

Kids go through phases when growing up and I find it terrifying how options are available for them to change gender. No-one should play God. You are born as a certain gender and can add on or take off as many bits as you like but you are genetically still the same. Someone could say they identify as a fish and get scales added to their bodies but they still can't breathe fully underwater!

@salamblackcat. What utter drivel. I don’t think any mother of a transgender child would tell you it was an easy path, let alone enjoyable for the attention! On the contrary, they’ve been trying to help their child survive and thrive in a world where people like you go out of their way to be cruel and dismissive of them.

Speaking of people on a ‘crusade’, i am always amazed at why people who are not impacted my transgender issues care. What is it to you if a person wants to be called he or she or neither? What is it to you if they wear a dress or pants or bind their breasts or take contraceptive pills? Why on earth do you care at all, let alone get nasty about it?

Posts like this make me think that the commenters on mumsnet are from another planet. I don’t think anyone I know professionally or socially would make anti-trans comments like the ones above.

In 20 Years your comments will seem just as stupid and hateful as anti gay rhetoric from the 80s or racial segregation beliefs from the 60s.

SilverBirchTree Their have have been noted cases in the press were the child has had to be removed as the driver for being trans has been discovered to come squarely from the parents especially with very small children it’s about attention

It’s muchousen by proxy in my view

Why would anyone pretend their child has cancer bit people do

Why would anyone pretend their child has adhd but people do
It’s about attention and having the school fuss around you and your child also in my view often avoidance of behaviour issues so the constant lateness or not attending school becomes about being trans thus
Being ignored

SilverBirchTree What’s it to us

It effects us all when we’re asked to indulge in a lie something that’s not medically true

And not only indulge something that your forced to go along with tell me what happens in a school of a teacher refuses to call somone by their preferred pronoun even when we know they are NOT that pronoun

The answer is they will be sacked

What’s binding ect to what’s fgm or binding children’s feet all things we know now to be awful practices to modify girls looks

And any attempt to restrict a girls growth must be resisted

We often here Muslims mothers say well they want to be covered and we wouldn’t agree that a3 year old could make that choice
But because by in large trans mothers are white or course their child choice should be indulged no matter how harmful