AIBU to ask for a handhold. My DD has come out as transgender

[AEJS]

This weekend my 14 year old DD told us she wanted to be a boy.
Whilst we are not surprised by this, she has always been a tomboy and has dressed in ‘boys’ clothes for 3 years now. She has a short haircut and completely rejects anything feminine, to actually hear her say it has come as a huge shock.

We have agreed initially to help her make small changes about the things that upset her the most, but nothing that can’t be reversed. After much research I have reluctantly agreed she can wear a breast binder and I have made her an appointment with the GP about going on the pill to stop her periods. While we are there we will also ask about counselling.

As a parent I feel completely distraught and totally out of my depth. I have no experience of this at all. I am spending my days crying and researching and then pulling on a brave face when she comes home from school. She knows I’m not finding it easy but has no idea how upset I am.

I have told her that whatever happens we love her and are behind her 100%.

Anyone any words of wisdom? Any voices of experience?
Thank you all for reading.

Teenage bandwagon jumping.
It’ll be something else next year

OPs son will use good quality ones and make sure they are used properly so no harm can be done.

I wasn't saying not to use them! Just to ensure that the ones OP does buy are good and that her DS knows how to use them.

Not DS, DD. OP is not using DS and neither should you, total strangers.

@rosesandflowers

OPs son will use good quality ones and make sure they are used properly so no harm can be done.

I wasn't saying not to use them! Just to ensure that the ones OP does buy are good and that her DS knows how to use them.

Some posters deliberately misunderstand what you say because they have an agenda they want to hammer home. What you said was perfectly reasonable and difficult to misinterpret, but they're prepared to put the work in.

HollyGibney

Not DS, DD. OP is not using DS and neither should you, total strangers.

The OP said her DD identified as a boy so posters are being respectful of identity and pronouns. It's basically what the whole world does, even the Daily Mail. It's part of what being in a progressive society is all about.

No some agenda pushing, virtue signallers are using "DS" and "son" most are using the pronouns used by the OP out of respect for her worry and confusion and the fact that it's her seeking support. Were the dd on the thread requesting use of her preferred pronouns then it would be appropriate to use them.

And as OP's dd only began the very early stages of social transition THREE days ago and the OP mentions NOTHING about preferred pronouns, it is beyond ridiculous for a few pompous strangers on the internet to decide what they now should be for her. The OP is in pain and seeking support, how can it help to shove "he" and "son" into your posts at every available opportunity?

Among educated people, gender differences are accepted

I don’t think anyone on this thread is advocating rejecting trans people. Ops dd came out as trans 3 days ago. Most advocate a wait and see approach and very much being there with her in the first instance. Ergo a gentle approach with appropriate therapy.

If she decides to transition for good and live as male, that’s fine. And first she needs time to be sure and see how it feels identifying as male. It’s a big thing to live this way and changes so many things she may never have realised. If it’s a passing phase, she will still be being equally supported. Nothing needs to be rushed and making her / him feel at ease is paramount.

As for some saying the 80-90% of children, who detransition do it because they give up. What a load of bollocks. The overwhelming majority of teens can’t be browbeaten that easily. Most parents these days listen to their children and have a child centric approach. They’re not running for the hills screaming because little Johnny has caught the gay. The suggestion that some people are advocating using prayer as a way to stop a child from being trans is ironic. Some religious groups actively encourage their children to transition rather than being gay.

It's also weird how people say 'well I felt this way at 14' - that was you! Not the OP's child. It's strange people cannot empathise with feelings outside of their own life experience.

Isn't that what empathising is though? Women are saying that they can understand how distressing it is to be a teenage girl and how real the feeling of not fitting in with it, or desperately wanting to get away from it, but are advising caution and time...not complete dismissal of op's dd's feelings.

I think its quite worrying really.

From age 12 to 15 i hated my changing body and didnt want to be/feel like a woman.

I remember crying hysterically as my mum tried to put me in a bra, and also sobbing myself to sleep first time i got my period.

I refused to wear girls stuff and only wore baggy black boys stuff and no bra.

Now im 31 and love all the feminine stuff.

I dont think in many cases its about gender dysphoria. Ib my case certainly, without me realising, it was about not wanting to not be a child anymore.

The OP said her DD identified as a boy so posters are being respectful of identity and pronouns
Actually the OP said her DD wants to be a boy, not that she identifies as one. I may want to be rich or successful or thin, but I don't identify that way. Dressing in a more masculine way is not the same as identifying. I dress in men's clothes - I'm not identifying as a man. Until DD actually starts living as a boy she should still be DD and not DS. Don't force her down a path with no way back; leave it open, consider the options, be supportive, but don't go gung-ho when she might still be at the talking & thinking it through stage.

I’ve got a sports bra that makes my boobs much less noticeable/flattens them. That sort of thing might be preferable to a binder. I wear Shockabsorber ultimate run bra- you need to be a contortionist to get into it but once in you can forget that you’ve even got boobs. It might be worth a go as it won’t damage breastbone tissue but gives a flatter and completely non bouncy profile. And it’s really comfy too.

The OP is in pain and seeking support, how can it help to shove "he" and "son" into your posts at every available opportunity?

Well, I think the best thing to do is show her child that she is giving support. That means making an effort to use the correct pronouns.

IME doing so selectively only confuses yourself. Sorry if this upset you, OP - I can stop referring to the child as DS if you wish.

But I'm of the opinion that it should be respected. If your child has come out they might have been thinking about this for a year or more. And to all saying it's a "trend" - - comes with a lot of baggage, doesn't it?

Don't force her down a path with no way back
Saying "he" isn't like getting permanent surgery! Of course there's a "way back"!

Well, I think the best thing to do is show her child that she is giving support. That means making an effort to use the correct pronouns.

But you don't know what the "correct" pronouns are do you? As the child didn't post. In fact your whole post is total speculation. You don't know when it happened or what provoked it. All you know is that three days is the time scale for this situation. Yet you surge in using pronouns that you don't actually know are correct at all. When posters do that it seems that they're more excited about displaying their own "woke" and trans credentials than actually doing the right thing for the person seeking support.

I think responsible parenting is about looking at risks and possible negative consequences. Things the teenage brain isn't wired to to do. (Which is why most of us try and keep younger teenagers away from alcohol, drugs, sexual intercourse. It's why younger teenagers can't drive or enter commercial contracts.) Reponsible parenting isn't about demonstrating how cool and trendy are, or about trying to be your child's best mate.

It's about listening to them and reassuring them how much you care about them. And it's also about looking at the extent to which safe harmless accommodation of their current wishes can be made, while keeping the lines of communication open.

Saying "he" isn't like getting permanent surgery! Of course there's a "way back"!
I think you're missing the point. If you make something like this into a 'done deal' rather than treating it as one option then you're potentially making the child feel as if they now have to go through with it even if they're not entirely sure. Give them a way out so that they feel like they have a choice - 'we'll support you whatever your decision, and we'll continue supporting you even if you change your mind completely or find another direction entirely - you have our full support regardless' rather than 'we support you being trans and let's send out 'change of gender' cards to the relatives to show that support'.

If you make something like this into a 'done deal' rather than treating it as one option then you're potentially making the child feel as if they now have to go through with it even if they're not entirely sure. Give them a way out so that they feel like they have a choice - 'we'll support you whatever your decision, and we'll continue supporting you even if you change your mind completely or find another direction entirely - you have our full support regardless' rather than 'we support you being trans and let's send out 'change of gender' cards to the relatives to show that support'.

Oh, of course!
I wouldn't just start saying "he" and do nothing more about it.

I'd have a discussion with my child and make it clear I'm supportive wherever the gender journey takes them. I'd also immediately start making an effort to switch pronouns to what they're currently comfortable with; but with my child aware that that doesn't mean it's "set in stone", so to speak.

I honestly think it is like my daughter - still just a teenager - and being vegan. Part of her thinks that this is the right thing to do and the right way to eat, and she talks to us a lot about this. She particularly doesn't like cutting up meat when she cooks. Some of her friends are vegan. On the other hand she likes cheese and sometimes really enjoys eating meat. So when she's about we eat a lot of vegetarian food and also keep some Quorn sausages in the fridge if she doesn't want to eat meat on a night when we're being carnivorous.. We make vaguely supportive noises about yes, it's good to eat in a way that is more green and less cruel. But what we don't do is go around announcing to everybody. ''Our daughter is Vegan. We are so proud of her. No she can't eat that! You will have to cater for her specially.'

Is the OP getting a handhold do we think?

But you don't know what the "correct" pronouns are do you? As the child didn't post. In fact your whole post is total speculation. You don't know when it happened or what provoked it.

Point taken. My understanding was, if the child has said they think they are transgender, then their pronouns would be he/him. Rather than they/them or xey/xem etc. that are usually given to people elsewhere on the gender spectrum.

Regardless, it wasn't my place to assume. Point taken.

But you don't seem to mind saying "DD". Worse IMO. Gender neutral terms like "child" might be preferable ... but why are you still using feminine ones?

I might have made an assumption... you're not taking the claim seriously. Which is a bad bad place for the OP to start out.

OP, I've gotten off topic.

You sound like a loving mum and obviously care for your child. You won't be expected to flawlessly make the transition, understand everything perfectly, etc. That will come with time.

The only thing your child can reasonably expect you to do is remain loving and supportive - which, by the sounds of it, you will.

Massive luck to you all

I went on the pill at a similar age to your daughter because of problem periods). I have been on various hormonal contraceptives almost all my life because the problems with my periods did not resolve.

All of them increased my breast size. For me that wasn't such an issue, but for your daughter it may be.

Some of them caused huge mood swings/ depression. That was a major problem for me, and caused episodes of severe mental ill health. Different brands/ combinations of hormones have different effects on people.

Another thing about being a teenager is expecting things to happen straight away. Try and manage her expectations (and your own). For example if your GP refers her to counselling or a gender identity clinic, there can be long waits. And once she does get there, the NHS policy is one of watchful waiting (which I think is sensible in the face of the lack of evidence in this area), which she might be impatient with.

Hand hold. Parenting teens is far more complicated than babies IMHO, but you get a lot more guidelines and support with babies.

OP, be aware that the response to the pill can be unexpected. DD found that rather than stopping her periods it extended them (to several weeks at a time). A different version flared up her acne and topped it off with depression.

But you don't seem to mind saying "DD". Worse IMO. Gender neutral terms like "child" might be preferable ... but why are you still using feminine ones?
I might have made an assumption... you're not taking the claim seriously. Which is a bad bad place for the OP to start out.
But we're not the OP are we? The OP knows which terms their child prefers right now, but we don't. So we're quite correct to use DD. It's nothing to do with not taking claims seriously. But as DD has only just brought the subject up it seems a knee-jerk reaction to immediately change everything - for us it's premature because we don't know what DD's thoughts are, for OP it's premature until they've had the chance to talk things through properly and discuss a plan going forward (which to be fair they might have done).
DD is still a girl until she's made a decision for herself. If she decides that yes she definitely wants to go ahead and live as a boy, THEN it's appropriate to start using DS but right now she's living as a girl.
I'm not going to apologise for not jumping on the trendy thinking wagon and falling over backwards to accommodate every decision a child makes - I'd rather be the voice of reason that looks at all the facts and ensures that a decision is the right one. If she was my daughter I'd be discussing & researching, and if she wanted to go ahead I'd suggest making changes at home and away from school at first so that she could get used to it and see if still felt right. Don't change everything wholesale, keep the status quo in some areas and change gradually.

Very well said Nike.