AIBU because of DD's epilepsy, or is DH?

[rosesandflowers]

My DD is 16 so writing exams.

The background to this is very long, so apologies. Essentially, last year she broke down the night before a holiday in France. She told us that she was extremely paranoid – (e.g. if I nipped out to the corner shop for something, she’d start imagining I was hit by a car) and that she had dreams where a new DD came, exactly like her so we didn’t know the difference, and just take her place in home and school, only she was still alive so nobody could see her, and then she went through life being unnoticed and having no human contact or conversations and watching the replica of herself be happy. She also said she was constantly obsessing over mildly embarrassing moments and if she had said something wrong or upset someone.
She told us that her hands were constantly shaking, sometimes she’d lose control over her legs and that she was completely blanking out of lessons and conversations.

DD is very secretive about her emotions and problems due to a complex episode of bullying from child (and child’s parent) in primary school. We’ve been trying to work on this and she was getting so much better but the fact that she hid this from us (successfully) was a clear reminder that she hadn’t completely gone from it. She was attributing knocking things over, spilling drinks, banging into things – all caused by the loss of control in her limbs – to clumsiness when seen and cleaning up messes, even replacing broken things with her own money, when they weren’t.
DH and I thought this was anxiety, booked an appointment with the GP and took her on the holiday. She was happy all the way through. Then on the second day before we were due home, she had a seizure. This had never happened before. She ended up diagnosed with epilepsy. I am still so guilty we didn’t think further about the symptoms.

The medication made her depressed and listless. She was completely unmotivated and devoid of energy. It lowered her Vitamin D levels so she was constantly ill and in pain. She was still having absences (when her brain shuts completely down to her surroundings) very frequently – what she called “blanking out” before. She was banned from cooking and so tired and depressed that she couldn’t really do any chores. She got better and did a bit the two weeks before school started, but school was so draining for her she usually would come home and sleep straight away. (Y11 – DD refused to miss more schooltime than “necessary.”)

Now she’s much better, energetic and like our old DD again. My DH told her yesterday she should cook for the family tomorrow and on Friday. She was flabbergasted, as she’s doing her GCSE’s right now and they’ll be over by the end of June, and thinks that chores should start up again then. DH thinks she should do as she’s told. He looked for me to back him up; I requested DD go and get started on revision, and told him I thought he was being unreasonable. He’s furious with me.

I think we should wait until after her GCSE’s, and that him wanting her to do chores – so desperately – is a way of him coping with all the sickness she’s been through; that he’s so overjoyed that she’s “back to normal” that he’s trying to make it so in every way possible.
He thinks I’m overanalysing his behaviour in order to excuse the fact that I’m pandering to her due to her having a difficult time of it recently.

AIBU, or is he?

OP it has totally leaked into all of your relationship whether you like it or not the presents are part of that

He has made you the submissive in everything - the presents are designed to keep you in place. It’s very 50 shades

I've just rtft and I'm wondering if "Why does he do that?" would be a helpful read for you. (The Daily Wisdom version is also good for thinking about how it applies to you and where you go from here.) Or Living with the Dominator.

The more you've shared of his behaviour the more concerning it appears. You've lived with him so long it would be understandable if it hadn't been as apparent to you until this happened - or as readily identifiable as it might be to an observer. Wood for the trees and all that.

www.amazon.co.uk/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656?tag=mumsnetforum-21

the presents are designed to keep you in place
Or maybe it's his way of apologising! It involves thought (presumably), effort...
Why are Mumsnetters so obsessed with putting the man down?

Are you married to Jacob Rees-Mogg?

OP it has totally leaked into all of your relationship whether you like it or not the presents are part of that

He has made you the submissive in everything - the presents are designed to keep you in place. It’s very 50 shades

He often buys me presents.
In his family excessive gift-giving is kind of the norm, and he grew up always being able to readily spend money. He'd just think "oh, so-and-so would like that" and then he'd be able to buy it. The fact that he has such a well-paying job means he's able to keep this habit.

Because there's a financial gap between us - and quite a big one - he'll often buy expensive gifts for me. And a lot of the time they're not necessarily expensive, just things he thinks I'd like (he's usually right). He works very near a shopping centre where he often buys lunch so I think that might be it.

I've just rtft and I'm wondering if "Why does he do that?" would be a helpful read for you. (The Daily Wisdom version is also good for thinking about how it applies to you and where you go from here.) Or Living with the Dominator.
I think I could try it, but I daresay I'd have to read it on the sly if I did. I'd feel a little uncomfortable too.

Or maybe it's his way of apologising! It involves thought (presumably), effort...
Why are Mumsnetters so obsessed with putting the man down?

His gifts are always thoughtful. Like I said he knows me very well and does buy things for a reason, instead of just going into The Body Shop and picking up a box. I definitely value that.

I think he does buy presents to apologise/compensate after a row. On its own I'd find that troubling, but generally we'd sort it out and then he'd buy a gift, rather than trying to use gifts to gloss over the issue.

Here, though, because the issue was so obviously not dealt with, it felt different. But I imagine the guilt/altruism sort of process would be the same?

I don't know. I'm going to write down what happened (always can make more sense of things on paper) and then see if I can pinpoint exactly what's annoyed me. And then I can discuss those specific issues with him.

Are you married to Jacob Rees-Mogg?

Have to admit that made me chuckle a bit

Perhaps it was more of a comparison when he was younger which is why he made me giggle, but he doesn't remind me of Rees-Mogg at all.

Writing it all down to think it over is a good idea, take your time.

I think on this occassion a 'sorry I got it all wrong and behaved like a dickhead' would have been more appreciated than presents.

Good luck.

He's almost finished making dinner and suggested I wear my new pyjamas Not sure whether to put them on or not. I don't know if I'm overanalysing his request of apparel, but something tells me it's the sort of thing Mumsnet would have an opinion about Anyone have any particular convictions about this?

I think I've gathered what irritated me:

1. Attempting to manipulate me through a text message.
2. Buying me gifts voluntarily, and then trying to use these to manipulate/exercise control over me.
3. Referring to me so disrespectfully in the café by describing my kinder nature as "free love shit." I understand that that was a moment of frustration/anger, but I didn't like it.

Is there anything else I should add?
Thinking how to approach this before I discuss it with DH so suggestions/tips there are welcome.

It’s interesting there is a financial gap between you and that is divided into his and yours rather than sharing

It’s interesting there is a financial gap between you and that is divided into his and yours rather than sharing

Yes - as I think I mentioned, I do what I do for love and not for money.

Expenses wise we go over it together and I get a say, though it is predominantly his money that goes towards things simply because he earns a lot more.

Originally he didn't see the value/point in me contributing when he could pay, but I wanted to more on principle, so we pay equal proportions of our wages to cover bills etc.

Other than that I do generally see it as "his" and "mine" and usually spend it separately. We freely share and we wouldn't begrudge the other if the money was taken, though a text would probably be sent first to let the other know. We do have a joint account for savings.

Is this an odd set-up? Again, I thought this was the norm or similar.

No it is not an odd set-up, it is how it works in most housholds I think. The fact that he at first saw no point/value in your contribution is odd but not surprising.

Re your list, what about the reigning you in comment? That word alone would get my hackles up.

As for wearing your pj's, it depends. If you normally wear pj's at this time it wouldn't be strange Different if he wanted the kids to notice he bought you a present or if he is after sex.
Personally I wouldn't want to wear them after the way he has been behaving.

I don't know if this is a face-saving way of backing down

^^
This.

I wouldn't be doing all this relationship anlaysis. He gives presents to apologise, well fine, that's one of the five "love languages" and maybe that's just his best one. You've all been under a heap of stress and it's not surprising it's blown up.

Tell him that's fine and you are sorry that you undermined him in front of DD ... but now he needs to apologise to DD for ordering her to do something so inappropriate and so stress-inducing, and she needs to apologise to him for being rude. And you'd quite like a proper apology for him stropping off.

And once you have all apologised to each other you can move on.

The fact that he at first saw no point/value in your contribution is odd but not surprising.

I think he doesn't really get the value of money, due to his upbringing, because he was very privileged in that sense. I agree it's not surprising. We'll always view finances differently; I don't think that can be changed.

what about the reigning you in comment?

Oh, yes - I'm definitely not a fan of the connotations of that word.

As for wearing your pj's, it depends. If you normally wear pj's at this time it wouldn't be strange Different if he wanted the kids to notice he bought you a present or if he is after sex.

Kids have already eaten so it'll just be the two of us so he won't be showing off to the kids. Him wanting sex I can imagine - they are quite "sexy".

I put them on. I don't see the point in disagreeing with him for the sake of disagreement and don't mind.

If sex is what he's after I'm not sure he'll be getting that though.
I don't often wear PJ's to dinner.

Anyway I'm going down for dinner. Hopefully this is all sorted out now.

He and DD are all clear.

On a side note, I have a history of epilepsy, first having seizures when I was 3. One of the best things my mother did for me (she was a single parent) was to allow me to do all the things my peers could do. Going swimming, walking to the park or my own as well as with friends. Please don't be over-protective of your daughter. It is a natural instinct, but it won't help her in the long run. Best of luck to all of you, but especially your daughter.

Yes it’s all about buttering you up to get what he wants a pliant wife for sex

He would be getting a cold shoulder from me! He sounds like an utterly manipulative control freak that sees you as his puppet. He says jump and your expected to say how high every time and the "presents" are a way to make you more agreeable

So he did buy your silence after all. You don't see the point in disagreeing for the sake of a disagreement, I am sure he knew exactly you would think this.

Sorted out

I brought up that I felt I had a better idea of what was upsetting me. I thought he might get defensive but he didn't; it felt like my usual reasonable DH again.

1. He still thinks that manipulation was borne of his control issues. We discussed it a bit further and he thinks that it was a way of trying to desperately engineer the situation.

He has admitted that's not healthy. We decided that we're going to start allowing more leeway on small, everyday things so he becomes more accustomed to being out of control.

He says that now he's more aware of these control issues he can keep a better eye on his behaviour so something like what happened with DD does not happen again.

1. He agrees that the "shit" and "reigning in" comments were completely out of order. He's apologised and has promised to better control his anger/frustration in the future. This really is a very unique incident so am letting it go, provided I do genuinely not experience something similar any time soon.

You were right about the sex so nothing sinister there.
We've had a nice cup of tea and will go to bed soon. Thanks for all your support through this and all the kind messages about my DD x

@booksandcoffee thank you very much for the advice! Now she is better and the consultant is relaxing conditions more I think now it's time for me to do the same.
DH wasn't right at all in this situation but allowing her to live a "normal" life is perhaps something I should be considering more broadly. Over summer we are definitely going to branch out a bit more and hopefully she'll be able to do a lot of things she hasn't in quite some time (including chores! )

Did you not feel at a disadvantage sitting in your new fuck me PJ's?
Don't mean to be rude but I couldn't ever contemplate discussing such an important issue when wearing what is basically lingerie.

Did you not feel at a disadvantage sitting in your new fuck me PJ's?

I was more uneasy because they were a gift from him, rather than what they looked like tbh. As I said I have always dressed very femininely so am used to people not necessarily taking me seriously. I don't feel less intelligent or directed based on what I'm wearing, and as DH was such a dick about it when we first met he'd never do that now.

He was also wearing pyjamas if that helps.

I have always dressed very femininely so am used to people not necessarily taking me seriously

That is a very strange thing to say. I can't really understand it. If I look at someone who dresses in a feminine way, I don't think of not taking her seriously. I don't want you to take this badly, but do you dress like a child? Otherwise why wouldn't someone take you seriously?