AIBU because of DD's epilepsy, or is DH?

[rosesandflowers]

My DD is 16 so writing exams.

The background to this is very long, so apologies. Essentially, last year she broke down the night before a holiday in France. She told us that she was extremely paranoid – (e.g. if I nipped out to the corner shop for something, she’d start imagining I was hit by a car) and that she had dreams where a new DD came, exactly like her so we didn’t know the difference, and just take her place in home and school, only she was still alive so nobody could see her, and then she went through life being unnoticed and having no human contact or conversations and watching the replica of herself be happy. She also said she was constantly obsessing over mildly embarrassing moments and if she had said something wrong or upset someone.
She told us that her hands were constantly shaking, sometimes she’d lose control over her legs and that she was completely blanking out of lessons and conversations.

DD is very secretive about her emotions and problems due to a complex episode of bullying from child (and child’s parent) in primary school. We’ve been trying to work on this and she was getting so much better but the fact that she hid this from us (successfully) was a clear reminder that she hadn’t completely gone from it. She was attributing knocking things over, spilling drinks, banging into things – all caused by the loss of control in her limbs – to clumsiness when seen and cleaning up messes, even replacing broken things with her own money, when they weren’t.
DH and I thought this was anxiety, booked an appointment with the GP and took her on the holiday. She was happy all the way through. Then on the second day before we were due home, she had a seizure. This had never happened before. She ended up diagnosed with epilepsy. I am still so guilty we didn’t think further about the symptoms.

The medication made her depressed and listless. She was completely unmotivated and devoid of energy. It lowered her Vitamin D levels so she was constantly ill and in pain. She was still having absences (when her brain shuts completely down to her surroundings) very frequently – what she called “blanking out” before. She was banned from cooking and so tired and depressed that she couldn’t really do any chores. She got better and did a bit the two weeks before school started, but school was so draining for her she usually would come home and sleep straight away. (Y11 – DD refused to miss more schooltime than “necessary.”)

Now she’s much better, energetic and like our old DD again. My DH told her yesterday she should cook for the family tomorrow and on Friday. She was flabbergasted, as she’s doing her GCSE’s right now and they’ll be over by the end of June, and thinks that chores should start up again then. DH thinks she should do as she’s told. He looked for me to back him up; I requested DD go and get started on revision, and told him I thought he was being unreasonable. He’s furious with me.

I think we should wait until after her GCSE’s, and that him wanting her to do chores – so desperately – is a way of him coping with all the sickness she’s been through; that he’s so overjoyed that she’s “back to normal” that he’s trying to make it so in every way possible.
He thinks I’m overanalysing his behaviour in order to excuse the fact that I’m pandering to her due to her having a difficult time of it recently.

AIBU, or is he?

YANBU, I’m absence epileptic myself and stress is my main trigger. As a side note, does she has alternate exam arrangements? This really helped me at A-Level and now I’m doing my degree

Pleased your DD is feeling better, but sorry you are going through this. I think doing chores in the GCSE period is too much for any one. I'm a pretty strict parent, both my 2 DS (twins) do chores, but currently they are doing GCSEs and I have deliberately let them off all chores. i expect them to revise and relax and do their exams. Both of mind do cook dinner sometimes but usually when they want to, not as part of chores.

Can you sit down with DH on your own and assure him you will help her cook over the summer, but during GCSEs you'd really like her to concentrate and please, for your sake, could he just back off a little.

I just read info about stress and epilepsy on the Epilepsy Action website would reading this help him understand she needs to relax where possible?

Just a thought but is your DH still coming to terms with the diagnosis and keen for your dd to carry on as normal?

I was diagnosed with epilepsy at 15 and my mum became very protective of me. Most of it was practical stuff like sitting by the bathroom door while i bathed, but she also became very worried about me being alone.

My dad on the other hand was keen for me to still do things myself and be as independant as possible. He would see no reason why i couldnt walk to the bus stop and go places alone whereas mum would accompany me or insist on regular texts to know i was ok.

I know they both were concerned about me but reacted in different ways. Your dh could be struggling with the thought of what dd may have to go through and not know how to deal with it effectively

I can see she was rude, but I think it’s very easy to be rude when you’re already under pressure and someone suggests something that seems to make your life more difficult.

In circumstances like this in our family there would generally be no compulsion for the rude person to apologise as we accept it as part and parcel of the stress of exams. Equally the person who had proposed the absurd or difficult thing would probably also not apologise - we would all move on and shift back to life as it was pre-argument.

It doesn’t always work, but it does in our (very opinionated, sometimes highly strung) family. Going back to the argument to apologise usually just restarts the argument because all parties still believe they are right - this way everyone can still believe that, just we no longer act on it (e.g. stay polite and don’t brig up chores again).

I too agree that what your husband is proposing is absurd. Believe in yourself, OP!

You are right. He is wrong. Your analysis is spot on.

Holy crap. He cannot expect her to do any chores, this week is an especially big one. English this week, Geography if she’s doing those boards. She should no way be rude, I would have backed up your DH on this, but there’s no way I’d be asking her to do chores. She should be revising, nothing else.

Im am a mature student

I don’t cook during exams. Prior to having family I lived offToast and ready meals. Now, toast and ready meals cooked by DH.

HBVVU to ask her to cook

DH thinks she should do as she’s told.

Good luck to him on that one.

Oh and then of course when she is 18, he'll hope that she is an independent thinker who doesn't just follow the crowd.

He is being an eejit - probably for the reasons you think.

Can't imagine making my child cook for the family while doing state exams.

In the gentlest possible way, he’s wrong.

Why was he telling her to cook 2 family meals when she hasn't actually learned to cook yet? Bizarre.

More importantly why was this not discussed with you before he announced his unilateral order?

Yes he's being totally unreasonable but you may have a problem persuading him that.He obviously sees the situation differently and ...err...may be unable to empathise with either of you two.

I don't blame your DD for reacting as she did. She's been through difficult times and now has important exams to manage so cut her some slack - predictable 16 yr old reaction.

Walking away from a potential argument is not always the best solution as it closes the other person down and gives the one who walks the upper hand.

He is trying to add chores to the stress of GCSEs????

What a twat! Tell him to bugger off. There's plenty of time after the exams have finished for cooking etc.

Your husband is stealing your daughter's spoons. This isn't the time for it. butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/

does she has alternate exam arrangements?

She gets rest breaks. Extra time they think is more likely to stress her out and just elongate the situation, but she's allowed to essentially stop the exam clock until she's recuperated.

Hasn't used it yet, as like I said she is much better.

So please, from me, give your daughter a big hug and tell her it does get easier.

Thank you for this and everyone else who's posted support for my DD

He's been very silent and sulky. Absolutely gobsmacked as this is not him at all.

DD went to a revision group with her friends so she is out of the way for the day (they usually grab lunch as well). I'm going to wait and see if he cools down a little and hopefully broach the subject with him before she comes home.

Why was he telling her to cook 2 family meals when she hasn't actually learned to cook yet? Bizarre.

It is, isn't it? I think DD can make pasta, spaghetti bolognaise and omelettes - and hasn't done any of them in ages. Dinner for the family twice in a week (including her veggie younger sister) is just looking implausible. I don't know what he's thinking.

More importantly why was this not discussed with you before he announced his unilateral order?

Shocked me as well. It's the sort of thing he'd do when I first met him. We're a partnership, point blank.

This is so tremendously out of character for him.

Maybe it's his way of coping with having been worried about her? He needs her to appear completely back to normal (and then some) so that he can stop worrying. It doesn't make it right obviously (she needs as little stress as possible anyway with exams on, and the epilepsy makes it more so) but I can understand it.

Oh and then of course when she is 18, he'll hope that she is an independent thinker who doesn't just follow the crowd.

This is genuinely what he expects of her now! Both DH and I think it's super important that our kids have their own opinions etc. and encourage it.

We quite rarely have behavioural issues with her which is why I think he's a little surprised as well. But I don't think this is a behavioural issue on her part, but on his!

was diagnosed with epilepsy at 15 and my mum became very protective of me. Most of it was practical stuff like sitting by the bathroom door while i bathed, but she also became very worried about me being alone.

My dad on the other hand was keen for me to still do things myself and be as independant as possible. He would see no reason why i couldnt walk to the bus stop and go places alone whereas mum would accompany me or insist on regular texts to know i was ok.

Yes - this is probably it. DD has started going on revision days with her friends; DH was elated when she proposed it, I was terrified!

I need texts fairly often so I know she's alright, she knows she's not allowed to go places on her own etc.

I think he is coping with it and that's fine, but I won't allow his coping with her illness amplify it, upset her or mess up her exam flow.

He's didn't talk this morning and then left He's working from home today part-time though, so should be back before DD.

Hopefully work will bring him out of the sulks he's in. Good grief.

He sounds horrible.

1. He knows you so well you think he’s always right.
2. Hes sulking.
3. He likes to be in control.

Your daughter sounds like a superstar and she’s lucky to have you.

Yanbu

My completely fit, well and healthy DS is excused chores as such (other than giving me his laundry) until after gcses in order to make life as simple for the duration!

1. He knows you so well you think he’s always right.

Oh dear, now I've realized how that sounds! He's not emotionally abusive or manipulative or anything like that, he's just very shrewd and we've known each other since we were a little older than DD although he was a colossal twat back then

2. Hes sulking.

Genuinely shocked me. In all his years he has never sulked! When he was younger he was too cocky to even get upset, I think. Once he matured we'd always sort out arguments ASAP. I hate prolonged disagreements and so does he.

3. He likes to be in control.
Yes. Very, very much. He's used to it for one thing. He says he just "doesn't like chaos" I'm more of a free spirit so he's learnt to let things go a little, but I think the epilepsy - something he couldn't control if he tried - really freaked him out.

Your daughter sounds like a superstar and she’s lucky to have you.
She is and I'm so proud of her!

Good to hear your daughter's health is improving...

Your OH.... 'this is absolutely NOT the time to make her do cooking /tasks, teach her to cook...

ALL her efforts should be focused on working steadily and keeping calm and studying with pals.... This is all in the value of Education /doing well/working towards a healthy future.... '

Your OH is (inadvertently) dragging her away from those goals...

And his goal presumably of' making daughter do her fair share of tasks' and making my own anxiety less

Things seem to be OK for her at the moment, thankfully at this time with the GCSEs. I 'd just be so relieved about that that anything else is secondary. He is being unreasonable about this, I personally think kids should be spoilt a bit around exam time, and would give her less, rather than more to do. I certainly won't be getting my kids to do chores at exam time over revising!!

He is being ridiculous. My ds is doing his gcse's, I expect him to revise and remove snack and drinks rubbish from his room where he revises, nothing more. Your dh is being unkind.