Wedding invite dilemma

[Sarahrose21]

Posting here for traffic,
Trying to write our wedding invites and I know how the people of mumsnet are divided on asking for money rather than gifts so I'm asking for advice on what to write to our guests, some are travelling across country and I would like to find a way to let guests know that we do not expect gifts but if they particularly want to give anything we would prefer donations towards a big purchase we are saving towards.
Any suggestions?

I hate all this over-coy ‘oh! We didn’t think you'd want to give us presents ‘ nonsense. Just bung the usual claptrap in the invite and people can bring cash if they want to, none if they don’t and if they’re that offended then they can bloody well stay at home. This is one of those stupid mumsnet things that in real life no one gives a flying fig about.

It’s the done thing to give cash in a card at a wedding if there’s no obvious list, let’s not try and pretend otherwise.

Put what you'd like, i.e. Money gifts, but in a nice, unassuming way.

There is simply no "unassuming" way to ask for a gift unprompted. Some ways are more polite than others, but requesting a specific item when you haven't been asked what you would like IS assuming people will want to buy you something.

We (me and ex) didn't put anything on wedding invitations. We told both sets of parents that we weren't and some people (notably not everyone) asked either parents or us when they RSVP'd.

Don't put any gift suggestions on the invite. Do put an emailadres of a contact (maid of honour or similar) for any questions regarding the wedding and instruct them that you prefer money if asked. Make a weekly phone appointment with your contact to handle any questions.

Just say it politely and no one will mind. The thing is most couples have been together a while and live together before marriage. We need for nothing basically. The thing is, most people, especially older people, want to bring a gift. Personally, I think it is stupid and outdated to give someone something they’ve no use for, so space for and don’t want. We really didn’t want anyone to bring us anything! But we asked for money to help us do up the house. Anyone who objected can just get us nothing. Some people sent us pressies anyway. No issue.

LaurG wrote: 'the thing is, most couples have been together awhile and live together before marriage. We need for nothing basically.'

So why should they need money from their guests? I do not understand big weddings when they have lived together for years. It they ask for money it sounds rather grabby, meaning we would like a big party and want you all to pay for it.

^^ Agree with Bluebell - if you have been together for years, can afford a big wedding then you don't need money for honeymoon/house imporvements etc. Why not have a smaller wedding and pay for your own honeymoon? .

If hosts are 'expecting' a gift even if they don't admit it and guests are 'expecting' to give something because that's what everyone does then it becomes a transaction - we provide the hospitality therefore you provide a gift.

It is perfectly possible to be a host/guest without giving gifts.

What a load of crap. It’s the done thing to buy a wedding gift whether or not it’s written on the invitation or not. What type of wedding someone chooses is nobody else’s business regardless of circumstances. If you don’t want to buy a gift, don’t. If you do, it may as well be something they want.
Saying a gift is expected even when they’ve said one isn’t means the bride and groom can’t win either way. most people aren’t tight arses and actually WANT to buy a gift. NEEDING one isn’t the point!

I swear sometimes the people on MN live on another planet!

Just because you think it is the 'done thing' doesn't mean that the custom needs challenging now that so many people have a home together before being married or are on their 2nd/3rd marriage and don't need any more gifts.

It clearly is an issue because there are countless threads about this every.single.year (and I've been here 18 years ).

I am of the age where I absolutely do not want any more gifts in my life, if I throw a party for a significant birthday I DO NOT WANT ANY GIFTS - I want to be able to offer my friends hospitality and enjoy their company, yet some people still insist in bringing gifts even though i try to make it as plain as possible. One of the main reasons I didn't celebrate my last big birthday with a party was that I couldn't face the issue of more 'gifts'. (I donated the money I would have spent on a party to charity).

@ragwort because people want to give you something whether you want it or not. Would you really turn up at a wedding with no gift? I certainly wouldn’t. If you don’t specify something you waste people’s time and money getting you something that’s just going to clutter up their house. Personally, a wedding list is more grabby than money. Money / a voucher is unspecified.

I also had a small wedding 30 guests. But we got gifts from a lot of people that weren’t even at the wedding. Mum and dads friends, extended family etc. All of them asked me, my mum, mil what we wanted. We were overwhelmed with how many people were kind enough to want to give us something. Suppose I should have just told them not to bother?? Thanks but no thanks?

@laurG it was the same for me. It was literally me, DH, our witnesses and our parents at my wedding but I was inundated with friends, family and colleagues asking me what We wanted as a gift. Most people gave us money or vouchers because they wanted to. A few people bought us gifts which were appreciated very much but I really have no need for the five sets of table mats and coasters. I should have been more clear about what would have been useful because I now feel that i was unfair to leave them guessing.

It drives me nuts when I get a wedding invite without gift "directions"!
I would much rather have all the info I need in one place, than having to call around asking what the bride and groom would like. I would never turn up to a wedding without a gift so for me, it's much easier to know their preference.