Wedding invite dilemma

[Sarahrose21]

Posting here for traffic,
Trying to write our wedding invites and I know how the people of mumsnet are divided on asking for money rather than gifts so I'm asking for advice on what to write to our guests, some are travelling across country and I would like to find a way to let guests know that we do not expect gifts but if they particularly want to give anything we would prefer donations towards a big purchase we are saving towards.
Any suggestions?

I didn't have a gift list and didn't say anything on invites. When people contacted us, as they inevitably did, we said we didn't want anything but if they insisted, vouchers for John Lewis or, if they were the type that preferred to give an actual gift, I told them to pick something they thought we'd like. Yes we ended up with 3 cutlery sets etc but there was no way I was going to ask for money and especially not for a honeymoon. Sorry but I think that is beyond cheeky.

No, we didn't love everything we got, but I also wrote a personal note back to everyone thanking them. Another thing sadly lacking these days.

Sorry, rant over!

Don’t put anything - it will negate the “we don’t expect gifts but...”

People who like giving money/vouchers as gifts will do so anyway. And it means that those who can’t afford cash won’t feel under pressure.

Banana Because generally brides and grooms have enough to be getting on with in those few weeks leading up to the big day without answering loads of individual emails basically all asking precisely the same thing. So why not head it off at the pass in the first place as long as you do it politely, make it clear it is merely an option if they really want to do something, and not write a shit poem.

Totally just let people know what you want. So annoying having to guess or negotiate etiquette especially when its a friend. I would have met maybe 10% of my friends parents, and have even less of their contact details.
It's totally fine to say no presents please. Donations to honeymoon/charity/sofa via this weblink/a big pot on the day. No obligation.
I'd SOOO much rather this.

I'm going to go against the grain and say I would put something on the wedding website or invite. I hate it when people don't give a clue as to what they want. I don't have time to fret about, shop for and wrap a gift they'll probably hate anyway. I'd rather be able to sort it with a few clicks on a website.

So you contribute to everyone else's weddings but potentially get nothing for your wedding?

Hardly seems fair.

Asian wedding invites proudly proclaim 'no boxed gifts please'.

No shame at all.

Yes please just say something. It is NOT grabby it is just practical.

By contribution I mean a gift

Only on MN is this an issue

'Prep the parents' only works if you live in some stifling little community where no one has left for 4 generations
In the real world, the vast majority of guests will have never met the parents, let alone have their phone number to hand to call them up and ask about gifts

Just put the standard wording about bringing yourselves and your appetites but if anyone does insist on a gift, a small contribution to Xxx in the form of cash/vouchers would be very kind

We've been invited to a wedding in the summer - I'd far rather they put something in the invitation?! And if they're saving for a honeymoon (or whatever) I'd rather contribute to an online fund where it feels like that might actually go towards the thing than give £20 cash which might just end up getting frittered away (I know it's the couple's choice, but still...) I don't have time for all the etiquette and don't know the couple's family so I'm going to end up asking them anyway?!

‘We require your presence, not your presents’ has always seemed the right approach to me.

Most people are aware that it is quite a usual thing to give a gift of some sort when attending a wedding, because it has been a usual thing for a long time. Most of the people who are not horrified by the idea of giving a gift generally like to have some idea of what the hosts would like. The best option probably is, as PP suggested, to have a list on your wedding website along with details of parking, directions, possible hotels (if you have guests coming from some distance) so the information is available.

What Tenbob said ^. That's basically what we did. Some people still bought us presents anyway (the vast majority of which were photo frames for some reason! We have a whole collection of gorgeous fancy photoframes ), but most people also donated for our honeymoon or just gave us the cash gift for it. Without the money we wouldn't have been able to go on a honeymoon I don't think. It was nice and I think people tend to prefer to be told in advance what you'd prefer and also many people prefer to give cash as it's so much easier! I love it when couples say they want cash - much easier than traipsing around wondering what present I should buy them with our limited budget.

People should contact the bride's parents to ask for the list. They can then give the message that you expect money if that's what you want

I’d like to know what to get, so I’d love it to be spelt out.

What Seriously? Majority of weddings I've been to in the last 15 years have been organised themselves and sent their own invites than have the old traditional "Mr & Mrs X invite you to the wedding of their daughter" stuff. Especially if the couple are in their 30s or on a second marriage; often the parents have died!

How about a poem?

When I got married we didn't put anything about gifts on the invites. We got a few gifts but it was mostly money. It probably depends on your family/social circle but I and most people I know have always been of a money in a card school of gift giving when going to a wedding. Although I did go to one once where they had a gift list and a 'give us cash instead of gifts' poem. Odd.

We didn't put anything and nearly everyone gave us money,it's easier for people

I've only had a couple of the parents invite you to a wedding invite, most of them it's just been the couple's names. Different strokes and all that I suppose.

Definitely write on your invitations that you would prefer to receive money.

My DH and I did this, and we’re so glad that we did. We wrote something like, “your presence is enough of a present to us, but should you wish to, we would be ever so grateful if you would contribute to our honeymoon fund instead of purchasing a gift.”

It seems like such a waste of time and money to buy gifts unless there is a set gift list.

I would also much prefer to give money or vouchers to others rather than search around for a present that they probably wouldn’t like, or would have already.

I'm utterly bemused by this thing on MN that says it's rude to mention presents in your wedding invitation. Surely most people would expect to buy a present when attending a wedding (or indeed, in some cases, even if declining an invitation). Surely most people would rather provide a present the couple wanted. Surely most people would rather this information was provided to them, rather than having to hunt it out by asking a 'member of the bridal party'. Our wedding, we paid for it, organised it, etc - my parents' contact details weren't even on the invite - it came from us. This whole 'contact your parents thing' just seems SO outdated nowadays, in these days of second/later marriages - why does the bride have to blush, look the other way and pretend to be touched and amazed anyone is giving a present?!

In all the weddings I've attended (gay, straight; church, hotel, wood; traditional to wacky) every single one has given me info on gifts - whether money; vouchers, donations or a list. Just tell people nothing is expected, but if people want to, we're collecting towards x. No-one in RL will be even slightly surprised.

Two of my friends didn't put anything about cash or presents on their invites. I just put some love to shop vouchers in one card and the other I asked if they wanted anything and they said they weren't expecting presents but if I wanted some Euros for their honeymoon would be appreciated so I was happy to oblige.

@BananaToffo because we had other stuff going on too, the wedding was a quickly arranged one as DHs gran was dying. We lived 100miles from her and were visiting her as well. We were also renovating a house (started before her diagnosis) and I was completing my Masters (started before her diagnosis) whilst also working full time. Having loads of people text, email call us about gifts was pretty shit actually. I wish I'd just put it on the invite.

I know this sounds ludicrously old fashioned, but isn't the invite from the bride's parents? Therefore they can put on it: Wedding Present Optional. All replies and conversations about acceptance and, by default, presents to be directed to the parents. Simples!!!

@Whatshallidonowpeople what if most guest don't know the brides parents? less than a dozen of our guests knew my parents.