Wedding invite dilemma

[Sarahrose21]

Posting here for traffic,
Trying to write our wedding invites and I know how the people of mumsnet are divided on asking for money rather than gifts so I'm asking for advice on what to write to our guests, some are travelling across country and I would like to find a way to let guests know that we do not expect gifts but if they particularly want to give anything we would prefer donations towards a big purchase we are saving towards.
Any suggestions?

How about something along these lines?

“OK. Let’s cut to the chase. Most of you will want to get us a gift. It’s a wedding - it’s what people do. So we could arse around pretending this isn’t the case and that we just simply hadn’t considered that anyone may want to get us a gift - and then put 100+ people through the rigmarole of having to individually ask our parents if they know what we would like. Or we could beat around the bush with a dreadful poem that sounds like a child wrote it. But we won’t. We’re all grown ups. Let’s make it easy for everyone and just tell you what we would really like. Everyone’s a winner. Some of you will be awfully offended about it but, frankly, if you’re that kind of person, there’ll probably be a dozen things about our wedding that piss you off. We’ll enjoy reading the MN threads about it all when we’re back from the honeymoon you’ve all generously contributed to, for which we’re really, really grateful.”

We did a John Lewis gift list but didn't mention it on the invites. I'd say about 95% of guests still bought from it. They either asked us or my parents.

We put on the invite that if anyone wanted to give, we'd appreciate help towards the cost of the honeymoon but not to feel like they had to give anything as their presence would be enough. MoSt of DHs family gave us nothing!! 😂

Do a little poem. I know it's a big no no on MN, but putting nothing will confuse all your guests or will result in wasted money on things you don't need. I still remember my mum opening up endless gifts with things that got regifted, returned or sent to a charity shop. She'd had a home for many years. She really didn't need any more tut. Plus, it's putting pressure on guests to shop around for a bloody gift. Vouchers or money makes everyone's lives easier.

We didn't want presents - we each had a house/flat so had all the things we needed. We just wanted the day to be happy.
We prepped SIL, PIL, my mum that if anyone asked to say that and add they could make a donation to a particular charity- if they wished- which my dad supported and it was our way of including him. Some did, some did nothing, some still bought us a gift. That's their choice as guests, we didn't mind whatever they did; we asked because we wanted them to share the day with us and it wasn't a big wedding.

No gift lists,no gifts, and definitely no money,, just come along and enjoy the day.

There are a few posts on here saying it became a bit of a pain answering individual emails and requests about gifts - don’t be someone that forgets the guests are your family and friends, people you care about and who care about you. They are not random strangers whose questions about gifts are getting in the way of time you could spend organising your wedding. It takes maybe 5 minutes to draft a standard email you can personalise for each request in a few minutes.

My friend wrote that they had everything they needed and just wanted people at their wedding but that they were saving for white goods if people did feel they wished to give a gift.

MN is a very strange place! Am I the only one who actually likes being asked for donations?

Takes the thinking out of what to buy and you know the happy couple can make use of your gift! I really don’t get the problem as long as it’s worded properly. I did once see requests for £50 gift cards on a wedding invitation which I didn’t like. Those CF got nothing but a card in response. 😂

'MoSt of DHs family gave us nothing!! 😂'

Well, when you tell people oh, don't get us anything but you can give us money, then you can expect people to take you at your word.

I've been to a few weddings where there's been something nicely worded as in insert with the invitation along the lines of 'We've lived together for a long time so we have all the stuff we need and just your company on our special day is enough. However, if you do wish to get us something, we are going on honeymoon to X/saving up for X'

It seemed eminently sensible and tbh much less hassle to stick £50 in an envelope with a card than faff about with gift lists.

I didn't put anything in the invite at all. Most guests gave money. Others gave money and a little gift. I know a lot of people that asked for money towards their honeymoon, but I hated the thought of asking people for anything. It just felt cheeky

We ALL know people give gifts at weddings. It might be tacky to mention it but it's stupider to end up with 5 toasters you don't need rather than tactically say you'd prefer the cash for honeymoon.
I'd rather give people something they will actually like.
It's not insisting on being given something. That convention is already there.

But that’s really just another version of “we don’t want any of your fecking nicknacks, thanks all the same, just throw us some cash and we’ll be happy”, Cele.
Not as crassly worded, but the meaning is quite clear.

But surely as the giver of a gift, the most important thing is that the receiver actually wants what you’ve given. It’s a waste all round if not. I’d hate to think that I’d bought someone a gift and it’s been stuffed in a cupboard for years because it wasn’t wanted.

But that’s really just another version of “we don’t want any of your fecking nicknacks, thanks all the same, just throw us some cash and we’ll be happy”, Cele.
Not as crassly worded, but the meaning is quite clear.

But that's the point - I don't want to buy stuff for people that won't be used or they won't want. That's just pointless and a waste of money. If I get married, I don't want household stuff. I own my own home and we've lived together for five years. I don't want coffee makers and toasters or art for the walls or cushions. They wouldn't get used.

I actually think it's ruder not to say anything and then have a ton of stuff that gets stuck in the garage or regifted to other people.

I would keep it really simple:

'Please, no gifts'.

A lot on MN wedding etiquette seems to be straight out of 1985.

When I was attending 5 weddings a year a few years back I wanted nothing more than to know what the couple wanted, be it cash, an item off the guest list or a toaster. I didn't want to spend hours trying to figure out what they'd like and most likely getting it wrong. Luckily probably 95% of those couples did spell it out.

I would much rather spend £50 giving cash than £10 on a nick nack that the couple probably won't have any use for.

And don't even get me started on hassling someone's elderly parents who I've never even met (and possibly check their email about once a week)

Why would one EVER mention gifts or money on a wedding invitation? How utterly rude.

I think it would be really refreshing to have nothing on the invitation. Those who want some help will ask. Asking for money is crass. Different if a guest chooses to give money form their own volition. Similarly, a modest wedding list is ok but not great

90% of people with any sort of intelligence at all realise that if a couple have been living together, had kids together, etc they don't need a toaster, so will give cash without being told to do so by the couple.

It's a total cheek to tell people to give you cash when you know they've travelled, taken leave time, paid for accommodation, etc.

where I come from every one gives cash gifts no matter how much the amount. Surely it's better to give cash then to get a boxed gift that the other person might not like or use. I just want to understand why do people give boxed gifts here? Isn't it easier to just pop some money in an envelope than to spend time and effort to look for a present?

I would just write 'No gifts necessary; we have everything we need and more and we're trying to be eco-friendly. We will just be happy for you to share our special day with us.'

Anyone that genuinely wants to give you something, will probably give you money.

We put on a sentence along the lines of if people wanted to give us something, then we would appreciate money towards future home improvements. I've never had issues with giving money towards honeymoons etc. I don't want to waste stuff or give gifts with added guilt attached, or unspendable vouchers. Just give what people want (that you can afford) and say what you want.

I've only had one person not mention gifts/ gift lists etc and it turned out to be a great ballache as she wasn't expecting such an appetite to buy them things then trying to think of what she needed and what she'd said to whom.

I don't see the ettiquette in expecting lots of people to play guessing games and chasing answers via phone, email, text, word of mouth, messenger, fb etc. Long gone are the days when you were all in the same village, all knew eachother and were setting up home.

'I just want to understand why do people give boxed gifts here?'

Imagine this: it's possible to give a gift that isn't boxed/in a box and still isn't cash! Yes, really!

Here's another thing to contemplate: it's not easier to just 'pop' cash in an envelope if you have no spare cash.