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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite dilemma

161 replies

Sarahrose21 · 05/06/2018 13:02

Posting here for traffic,
Trying to write our wedding invites and I know how the people of mumsnet are divided on asking for money rather than gifts so I'm asking for advice on what to write to our guests, some are travelling across country and I would like to find a way to let guests know that we do not expect gifts but if they particularly want to give anything we would prefer donations towards a big purchase we are saving towards.
Any suggestions?

OP posts:
ShinyBadger · 06/06/2018 18:52

My friend wrote on her invites in very small writing at the bottom No boxed gifts.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 06/06/2018 18:56

That’s exactly the same as “we want cash”, Shiny.
Rude.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 06/06/2018 18:56

I'd just take the gift out of the box, no boxed gifts is terribly rude.

TigerTooth · 06/06/2018 19:09

Please just don't do it - it's so crass and in such bad taste.
There is no good way to ask for money.
Say nothing and enjoy your day.

19lottie82 · 06/06/2018 19:20

My friend wrote on her invites in very small writing at the bottom No boxed gifts

That is just fucking rude. Ten times worse than a cringe poem.
If I went to a wedding and the invite had that on it they wouldn’t be getting anything from me, Boxed or not.

NotCitrus · 06/06/2018 19:20

We put something like "Seeing as some very kind people have been asking what we would like, we have created a gift list at John Lewis (linky), but rest assured what we really want is to celebrate with you, especially as some of you will be travelling a long way"

It was true - way before the invites went out people were grilling us and my parents. Many of our friends were skint at the time and got us a plate or two each.

clarkl2 · 06/06/2018 19:32

We gave no mention at all of a wedding list or gifts and received over 1000 in cash in cards which was hugely generous.

ExeterMa · 06/06/2018 20:22

I have had 1 or 2 invites where the couple asked for money and I have to say it did surprise me as they are quite nice people. I think it is really rude to include this info on an invitation. Don't plan a honeymoon & expect others to pay for it..

TigerTooth · 06/06/2018 20:39

As a guest I would usually spend about £50 on something I think is gorgeous and would include a gift receipt for exchange.
A friend sent a hideous poem asking for honeymoon cash for USA trip. I got her a guidebook for £9.99 because it was just bloody rude to ask for cash, no matter how it's done and the poem... blah!

TigerTooth · 06/06/2018 20:45

really appreciate a donation towards our house/holiday/car purchase' (or whatever the big thing you're saving for is) followed by a link/bank details so they can send money
Nooooo! ... Revolting!!!

Rebecca36 · 06/06/2018 21:05

I've been to a few weddings where 'No boxed gifts please' is in small print bottom left hand corner. That is discreet and acceptable. You won't get a lot of unwanted stuff and some will give you a cheque which is always welcome.

Teacher22 · 06/06/2018 21:09

in these days where everyone already has everything they need cash is a great idea. To do it tactfully you could use a wedding cash gift website like Prezola ar Patchwork or Buy Our Honeymoon.

19lottie82 · 06/06/2018 21:13

’No boxed gifts please' is in small print bottom left hand corner. That is discreet and acceptable.

Discreet, yes (things usually are tucked away in a corner in small print), but acceptable? No. It’s rude as fuck.

Rebecca36 · 06/06/2018 21:13

If people feel embarrassed about saying anything, say nothing! You will receive plenty.

However I've been quite happy to receive invitations with 'No boxed gifts thank you' or the like in small print. Asian people have been doing that forever and it works. No-one is obliged to give anything at all but plenty will.

KindergartenKop · 06/06/2018 21:17

Warning! We didn't mention a wedding list on the invite and people still bought us gifts. Mostly useful stuff like towels.

KarmaStar · 06/06/2018 21:21

Watched a Greek wedding,seems so much simpler where everyone knows what to do,pin the money on the bride and groom during a dance.

justlliloleme · 06/06/2018 22:34

We said 'no gifts needed, just your company' and we still got over £6k in cash. If you don't really want gifts leave it off the invitation x

howmanyusernames · 06/06/2018 22:37

We said in the invites that people attending was present enough, but IF people wanted to ‘give’ something then a donation towards the honeymoon would be amazing.

I think if you don’t put anything people may buy you things you don’t want/need, and wouldn’t you rather that £10-50 go towards your honeymoon or something else?

People live together now before marriage, have toasters, wine glasses, kettles etc, so don’t need ‘stuff’.

ThatWhiteElephant · 06/06/2018 23:23

We didn’t put anything on our invites (20 yrs ago). We received mostly money or vouchers.

Ginseng1 · 06/06/2018 23:26

Put nothing. Most will give cash. We put nothing (13yrs ago) have only been to a few weddings where there was gift list. We didn't expect anything but got mostly money which we were v grateful for & a few gifts which were also lovely still have few of those bits today & think oooh that was a wedding present from xyz!

UghAgh · 06/06/2018 23:42

I think it’s ok to ask for cash although I don’t like the “your presence is more important than you present” thing. It’s REALLY cringeworthy. I’d keep it simple and just write ‘If you would like to get us a present we would appreciate John Lewis gift vouchers or cash’. (Or whatever)

Personally though I couldn’t bring myself to mention gifts on our invite as I felt rude and grabby. Ie I don’t mind if other people do it but I wouldn’t do it myself.

UghAgh · 06/06/2018 23:46

Just saw NotCitrus s post
We put something like "Seeing as some very kind people have been asking what we would like, we have created a gift list at John Lewis (linky), but rest assured what we really want is to celebrate with you, especially as some of you will be travelling a long way"

I thought that is came across as polite and Not cringeworthy. It’s probably the best I’ve seen ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

fabulous01 · 06/06/2018 23:52

OMG. I love it when people say what they want. Saves me lots of time and when it is money I think yippee no worries about online shopping and delivery

CoughLaughFart · 06/06/2018 23:56

I think it’s ok to ask for cash although I don’t like the “your presence is more important than you present” thing. It’s REALLY cringeworthy.

And yet you wouldn’t mention gifts on your invite? That doesn’t make sense.

flowerpott · 06/06/2018 23:58

Put what you'd like, i.e. Money gifts, but in a nice, unassuming way.

Etiquette works both ways and personally, I would find it much more rude for a guest attend a wedding and not take a gift (I would never dream of it) than for the hosts to politely ask for something useful.

That being said, there should be some element of choice in there. You might be saving for a big purchase, but your guests may not consider that to be suitable gifting. There are loads of gifting websites you can look at that might have a solution.