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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding invite dilemma

161 replies

Sarahrose21 · 05/06/2018 13:02

Posting here for traffic,
Trying to write our wedding invites and I know how the people of mumsnet are divided on asking for money rather than gifts so I'm asking for advice on what to write to our guests, some are travelling across country and I would like to find a way to let guests know that we do not expect gifts but if they particularly want to give anything we would prefer donations towards a big purchase we are saving towards.
Any suggestions?

OP posts:
londonrach · 05/06/2018 15:11

Put nothing. Ive never seen a present list..think its a hollywood invention but recently getting silly money poems. Just put money but tell parents what you like in case people phone

BottleOfJameson · 05/06/2018 15:24

I'm really surprised by these I guess etiquette varies as every wedding I've been to has had either a gift register, a request for honeymoon (or other big purchase) fund or a suggested charity to donate to.

EleanorLavish · 05/06/2018 15:29

Bridal lists or wedding gift lists have been going since department stores came on the scene, so over 100 years!
I'm not sure where the notion they are a 'modern' thing came from. In our parents day it was the norm, particularly as most couples did not live together, so needed everything to set up house.

IncyWincyMouseRat · 05/06/2018 15:30

As someone who is getting married in less than 2 weeks, I would say you’re damned if you do, damned if you don’t! Some people think gift list are tacky, others think they’re fine. Some people object to being asked for cash, others appreciate the honesty. We didn’t send out a gift list and have received quite a lot of emails or texts about what we might want and then it’s a bit awkward because I have to say ‘cash or vouchers would be really helpful thank you’ which I feel is being grabby but suggesting actual items is hard when you have no idea what the budget is! All a bit tricky tbh and I think in most cultures this whole dancing around what you want nonsense would seem ludicrous.

OneStepSideways · 05/06/2018 15:31

Although it's 'not done' to mention money in your invitation, I think it's fine to say something like 'we have no gift register as we have everything we need, but if you would like to give a gift we'd really appreciate a donation towards our house/holiday/car purchase' (or whatever the big thing you're saving for is) followed by a link/bank details so they can send money.

Although it's worded as optional, nobody ever goes to a wedding without bringing a gift, and it's a lot easier to give money than go shopping for something unique.

Mitzimaybe · 05/06/2018 15:40

I didn't put anything on the invites, then if/when people asked "do you have a gift list" we said, we don't expect anything but if you want to, we'd appreciate money. I think putting a variation on "please give us money" on the invitation is grabby.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 05/06/2018 15:51

No wasting of time or money on unwanted stuff. Hate waste.

^This. I hate to give or receive gifts that are unwanted and end up just going to the charity shop, I'd far rather get something that was actually wanted. Most people want to give a gift so - etiquette being to make your guests feel comfortable - it's as well to give a quiet steer (as posters have said upthread, best tucked away with the directions or somesuch) than ignore the issue and have guests feel awkward about what the bride/groom might actually want.

And as for asking the bride's parents - I wouldn't know how to go about contacting parents of brides/grooms of almost all of the weddings I've been to, unless they've been of the traditional set up where invites are issued by the bride's parents and state contact details. I can think of only one or two where this has been the case.

LighthouseSouth · 05/06/2018 15:52

What BananaToffo said.

Bluebell23 · 05/06/2018 16:26

I am really happy to choose a gift from a list when a couple are marrying and acquiring their first home together. The guests are helping them as they set out on life together. Now that times have changed it is just grabby to ask for gifts and especially money.
If they have been living together for years with or without children then the wedding is not particularly special imo and I resent being asked for cash for their special holiday or house makeover. In this situation I would give a token gift.

MirandaWest · 05/06/2018 16:29

We didn’t put anything. People got us a combination of money, vouchers and presents. And no toasters (which seems to be most people’s fear of not having either a wedding list or asking for money)

msmsms · 05/06/2018 16:54

DON'T ASK FOR MONEY! It looks hideous.

Gift list # discreetly listed somewhere hard to find for those that feel inclined. And- like me - dislike the anxiety caused by picking potentially useless gifts.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 05/06/2018 17:06

It's tacky and cheeky to mention anything re gifts on an invite. A discrete gift list available upon asking is fine. Cash requests are truly awful, you may as well charge an entry fee.

Expecting guests to travel a distance is likely already costing them, the polite thing would be to say no gifts please just come and enjoy yourself.

pinkbraces · 05/06/2018 17:10

I have absolutely no idea why some people who post on mumsnet believe it is crass to mention gifts. What rubbish.

I have never been to a wedding without taking a gift, that would be crass! I would much prefer to give the couple something they want rather than guess. It makes being a guest easier.

troodiedoo · 05/06/2018 17:23

We put nothing. It's pretty obvious that in the absence of a list you would like money. If people asked we said money or John Lewis vouchers. We got a few bottles of fizzy and all the rest money/vouchers.

lostinsunshine · 05/06/2018 17:26

I said nothing and we had no list. My Mum's "job" was to tell anyone who asked that we don't care one way or the other , we're just happy to see them. Dh's mum too. Didn't work. Got presents but they were all lovely and personal.

MimiSunshine · 05/06/2018 17:36

Oh come on. It’s 2018 people, how many of you really truly have any contact with your friends parents or any real way of contacting themablut what the bride & groom may want for a wedding present.

What a ridiculously old fashioned suggestion.

The B&G are more than likely paying for the whole thing themselves as well as being the hosts.

OP everyone in the real world expects to be given some guidance on what to give.
Just put something like: If you would like to bring a gift, a contribution towards X would be most gratefully received

Wellthisunexpected · 05/06/2018 18:04

Bluelady yes they do but 3 months is becoming the norm (most people use a photo from the wedding which take roughly 6 weeks to come through, then you've got to print the cards, then write them).

wendywoopywoo222 · 05/06/2018 18:04

I like an invite which stipulates a gift list or cash/vouchers. I'm going to buy them a wedding present regardless and I know I have got them what they want.

FrancesHaHa · 05/06/2018 18:48

If people would like money, it's useful to know that's what they'd like. Usually it seems to be towards the honeymoon or a large furniture item, so I'd rather that than buy them something they don't want. Otherwise I end up trying to think of something they'd like. I quite like giving money through a website, especially those honeymoon ones, where they detail where they're going etc.

Would not dream of asking someone's parents what they want - would assume most people fund their own wedding these days.

Flexoset · 05/06/2018 19:07

I would not mention it with the invitation, but be prepared to tell people if they ask (and prime your close families to give the same answer if people ask them).

We did this with our wedding - only with a gift list rather than money - and it worked out fine. If people want to know, they will definitely ask. And if they don't want to know then it's pointless telling them anyway!

Having said that, we've had countless invitations which included a gift list or a mention of a cash fund, and I wouldn't get offended by that at all as long as it's done politely. I wouldn't do it myself because it seems weird to mention a gift with the invitation, but a lot of people would reckon it just saves them a phone call and therefore it's actually more polite. Your call. Your guests will probably all have varying opinions on this issue, but they will all presumably be fond of you and not raring to take offence when none is intended!!

Sashkin · 05/06/2018 19:51

Far weirder to write “if you want to know about our gift registry ask my mum, her name is Mary Smith and her email is [email protected]”, which is what we would have had to have done since none of our guests knew our families. Just put the details in the invite like a normal person.

Maybe if you are having a society wedding and your parents are inviting your guests on your behalf because it is so gauche for the happy couple to sully themselves by involving themselves with the preparations. But no wedding I’ve ever been to has been like that. It has just been the couple inviting people. I’m obviously not posh enough Hmm

CoughLaughFart · 05/06/2018 21:06

*I am really happy to choose a gift from a list when a couple are marrying and acquiring their first home together. The guests are helping them as they set out on life together. Now that times have changed it is just grabby to ask for gifts and especially money.

If they have been living together for years with or without children then the wedding is not particularly special imo and I resent being asked for cash for their special holiday or house makeover. In this situation I would give a token gift.*

This is what puts me off honeymoon funds. I can remember my parents giving my cousin money for a wedding present because he was 25 and just starting out (and ‘had’ to get married). Now when most brides and grooms are more like 35, have been living together for years and are probably paying for the wedding themselves, it seems odd, particularly as a peer, to give them cash. If they can afford a wedding, they can afford their own honeymoon. And what happens if you’re a guest, but are also getting married six months down the line? Do you put fifty quid in their card and get the same fifty quid back six months later? It seems unnecessary.

Sparklyglitter · 06/06/2018 17:58

All invites I’ve ever received have had a list enclosed on a separate sheet or directions to how to access the list e.g. via John Lewis. I don’t think you should just prep family, if you want to go that route then maybe say email either set of parents for the list...

Racecardriver · 06/06/2018 18:01

You should never ever mention gifts on the invitations whether you want money or not. If people enquire about a gift registry tell them that you don't have one but that you are currently saving for xyz (if you have the balls).

Mombie87 · 06/06/2018 18:27

Congrats :)
We didnt mention anything about gifts. A few people contacted us...we suggested small money donation towards bathroom fund or goft voucher but said not to be worrying. Others contacted our parents. Most just brought money in their card which were very surprised and greatful for. Got a small lovely selection of gifts as well 😊 there's no need to mention it. If I don't get a gift list in am invite I give money. X