Wedding invite dilemma

[Sarahrose21]

Posting here for traffic,
Trying to write our wedding invites and I know how the people of mumsnet are divided on asking for money rather than gifts so I'm asking for advice on what to write to our guests, some are travelling across country and I would like to find a way to let guests know that we do not expect gifts but if they particularly want to give anything we would prefer donations towards a big purchase we are saving towards.
Any suggestions?

It is the social norm - although not obligatory - to give a wedding present (I think). I would appreciate guidance on what to get. So would be very helpful to know I could put cash in a card rather than get you some random gift (on Mumsnet silver photo frames and bottles of prosecco always seem to be suggested).

@BubblesBuddy only if they are paying for the whole thing. Which is very rare these days. 95% of the weddings I have been to have been by invitation of the couple themselves. As was mine.

“your presence is enough of a present to us, but should you wish to, we would be ever so grateful if you would contribute to our honeymoon fund instead of purchasing a gift.”

Grabby in my opinion. Don't mention gifts.

If anybody specifically asks then say you are trying to save for something.

When I have received a tacky request for cash in an invitation, I have gone out and bought the couple vouchers.

some are travelling across country

Even more reason not to ask for anything at all.

Some people have a mock letter box for cards and cash, which I think is a nice way of dealing with the sticky issue. However, I have in the past seen posts on here, where cards have been opened and the couple found out after the event that large sums of cash has gone missing. Even one of my horseshoes was taken from the table . On that basis I wouldn’t want cash.

My wedding to dh was largely funded by parents. My mother and stepfather told people once they’d confirmed attendance there was a wedding list if people wished to contribute. I imagine this is the correct etiquette for dealing with the issue of presents presents but not how things seem to go these days. Usually the couple organise the wedding themselves and are working full time so don’t have the time to inform people individually. On that basis, I’d probably add the information on the invitation.

OK, Wellthisisunexpected, but it is a way out of the dilemma. I thought parents still paid a lot towrds a wedding! Most people I know have done for their children's weddings. We have never received one from the couple themselves. My DDs is starting to go to weddings and she has not received one from the couple either, always the parents. We obviously live in a parallel universe! They can still say: Wedding Present Optional onthe invite. It is so much easier to direct queries and acceptances to the parents though. (Obviously not if there are no parents).

One of the recent weddings we went to handled it well by having their own website which set out the itinerary for the day, had a section detailing local places to stay from b&b Travellodge to top hotels.

Asked for dietary requirements etx.

And very politely had a section on gifts with a list, we are saving for an X if cash ia easier or feel free to go off piste. Covered all bases.

BubblesBuddy most of our friends have had contributions from both parents and then added to it themselves so to invite just from the brides parents would be rude imo (suggestive that they paid for it all). Weddings these days tend to cost loads and I doubt most parents would be happy giving £20k to a daughter one day, if they had it.

Also, if my mother had received the replies I'd have got a lot of gaudy candelabras and glitter picture frames as gifts!

Put something on the invite about no gifts required. People are then free to give money if they want to.

It’s utterly crass to draw people’s attention to the honeymoon “fund”, via the wedding invitation.
And you could stick your mock letterbox where the sun don’t shine as well 😲
Why not just have someone on the door selling tickets?

I would say nothing and just see what happens. I definitely wouldnt ask for a cash contribution to something.

I love being told what people would like as gifts.
No wasting of time or money on unwanted stuff. Hate waste.

We didn’t put anything on ours and 80% ish of the guests gave us cash

I have no problem with a gift list, no idea why but I do object to honeymoon contributions, it just doesn't feel right.

At a tangent, does nobody write thank you notes any more? I'm pretty miffed that there has been no acknowledgement of our £175 gift almost four weeks after the wedding.

Don’t put anything on the invites, that’s just cringeworthy. (I’m sorry but it is, 100%)

If anyone asks what you’d like then politely say a bit for cash would be lovely as you don’t really need anyThing else and your saving for XY or Z.

I got married 4 years ago and we found that 90% of the guests gave us cash anyway. You might get a few gifts that aren’t to your taste but I really doubt you will be bogged down with multiple towel bales, kettles and toasters.

I think you should should consider popping a note with your invitation stating along the lines of 'no gifts, but if any one wishes to contribute ...' or you run the risk of ending up with 10 toasters. My default would always be to buy a gift before giving money or vouchers, so I would need a prompt.

At a tangent, does nobody write thank you notes any more? I'm pretty miffed that there has been no acknowledgement of our £175 gift almost four weeks after the wedding.

Four weeks is pretty soon after a wedding if they've had a two-week honeymoon and have a hundred guests to thank. It took me longer than that to get all mine done and I was waiting to start a new job at the time so had little else to entertain me.

If you had said four months I'd be completely sympathetic.

And £175 sounds very generous!

I've not had a thank you for a gift I gave last October through a gift list. Totally bad manners!

I went to a wedding recentlywhere there was a money box where you could choose to donate or not. It was done anonymously (apart from cheques) and we were informed in advance so we could take some cash

Last wedding I went to was a second marriage for both, children all grown up - bridegroom's grand daughter was a bridesmaid (very cute too!). No gift list, however I knew they're not particalarly well off and they were honeymooning in France so gave them some euros out of the travel money purse.

The wedding (or any other big party) website full of useful info is incredibly useful, it really helps things run more smoothly from the guest's point of view. We set one up for The Significant Birthday earlier this year.

It's not just me then, I'm glad other people think it's bad manners too. . There were 36 guests at the wedding and a one week honeymoon.

We're leaving the parents out of it as it's OUR wedding, we're organising and paying for it and besides that my dad detests weddings at the best of times the wedding website is a good idea, I'll have to look into it as there's going to be a wide range of accomodation choices so I can put all the info on there, thanks to all for the useful suggestions, those that call it grabby we are desperately trying not to sound grabby as it's just not who we are but also know that some of our guests may want to gift something

I think it’s fine to ask for money with the invitation.

One of my DCs got married a few years ago and no gift request was sent with the invitation. Even though the couple were organising (and paying for) the wedding themselves, I had about 20 phonecalls asking about gifts! I really wish that they had included the gift information.

*One way I've seen it done is to have a line on the invitation saying something like "for details of the venue, local accommodation and gift registry see our website and.lovedup.com" and then you can have a tab/page with some calm prose saying exactly what you have said there, or link to the JL registry, or the JustGiving or charity site.

It's useful for those people coming a long way to have details of parking / public transport links (eg the nearest station might be Anytown Central but there are better buses from Anytown Junction a mile further away). It's also very useful to have a rough running order for timings and planning.

And you quietly bury gift information in all the other useful information so it's easily found by someone looking, but not IN THE FACE of anyone who would be offended by a more direct request.*

@MrsHathaway Very similar to the way my daughter and her fiancé have done it after realising that people do like to buy gifts or donate to something - they certainly didn’t want to ask for money ( despite all the declarations on here, it’s not a universally practiced custom) They had a small card tucked in the invitation with details of the website which has lots of very helpful info, including doing the meal options with dietary requirements,and a link to the registry which had a really wide range of options including charity donations. A technophobe godmother has had printed versions of everything, as she requested.

OP I really wouldn't worry
In all my years I have received wedding invitations with present lists of request for cash never thought it a problem Just glad to know what to give
Just on here where it seems to be grabby not in the real world