Hi there,
Please bear with me, but I really need some advice on this needy friend. We have known each other for 35 years since junior school. Through that time our friendship has ebbed and flowed, sometimes not seeing each other all that often but we've kept in touch as we have a group of mutual friends.
There have been times when our friendship has been more frenemy than friend. She's always considered me her best friend. Though I do find her to be quite competitive and in our younger years she would often say jokey put downs about my body shape or weight that would leave me seething, despite the fact that she has always struggled with her weight and I never have. However she does have her good points, she has a kind nature with my children and is incredibly generous.
I didn't see a lot of her for many years as I was having babies and spending time with other friends whilst she was developing her career.
Once my kids got older she seemed much more interested in meeting up and mellowed somewhat, so we would see each other occasionally whilst she spoke about the latest man she liked and I listened. I found her quite immature t.b.h as she always had a crush but never seemed to do anything about it. However, it was fine to listen to in short bursts. She is also incredibly late to anything we organise as a group or one to one. I found this irritating but it was easy to limit my contact with her. She has this ditzy, flaky persona that our friendship group tolerates.
However, about 8 years ago, when we were in our late 30's she disclosed to me that she was desperately unhappy and wanted to settle down with kids. I was shocked that she was so candid as she is a very private person, but I really felt for her and our friendship entered a closer stage. From then on she has disclosed so much private stuff to me, I have felt real empathy for her but is been quite overwhelming at times. I have gently suggested she tries counselling but she said she has friends to talk to so she doesn't need a counsellor!! That'll be me then!
Its been difficult to stem the tide once she realised she could confide in me, asking advice all the time on men issues or her diet or family issues. One guy she had a crush on for 7 years and never got any where with. She has never had a boyfriend, just the odd date.
For the last 5 years, she has invited herself over to my house ALL the time, holidays, weekends etc and my husband and children would have to make themselves scarce whilst she went on and on about her latest worry. It's frustrating as she never listens to advice and it was causing a strain with my husband and eating into family time. I feel like I am constantly apologising for missing calls or making excuses for not having her over. I haven't had her round my house for 12 months as she invited herself over on a bank holiday to offload and then proceeded to be 4 hours late! I didn't even want her round that day! I have challenged her over her lateness in the past but it just escalated into a row.
Two years ago she decided to try IVF with donor sperm. I have been totally supportive during her 7 attempts. I have collected her from the clinic on a number of occasions and listened to her for hours at a time when it hasn't worked. I am also unable to tell my husband that she is having treatment so have had to lie to him when driving the 120 mile round trip to the clinic. It is heartbreaking to see her go through this. I find it hard saying no to long phone calls whilst she is going through such a terrible time.
However, in the last 12 months I am finding it more difficult to be around her. I am the only person in our group of friends she has confided in. Despite the fact that she works in a different part of the country she continues to calls me all the time and still attempts to invite herself over. As I can't bear waiting in all day for her I try and placate her by meeting in a cafe near her home (she lives in my home town 30 miles away) She is always insanely late even though I tell her I have things to do after we meet. She never eats in public, she just sips hot water and seems to alternate between a very restrictive diet and then binging between treatments.
At Christmas I found myself pregnant (totally unplanned and went through turmoil about wether to continue with the pregnancy or not due to my age). It was a difficult time as my friend was also going through treatment at this time. She found out she was pregnant at Christmas and wanted to share her joyful news with me in person. I was delighted for her and provided emotional support over the phone but couldn't meet up whilst I was considering terminating a pregnancy.
Unfortunately she miscarried, and having had two myself I understand a little of her heartbreak. I felt awful at the unfairness of it all, how desperately she wanted a baby and here was I considering a termination.
I decided to continue with my pregnancy but waited until I was 15 weeks to tell her. I said I would totally understand if she didn't want to see me during my pregnancy. She was very upset when I told her but said she was happy for me. I know that this could not have been easy for her.
She's continued to continually call and text for support. She's also started saying bitchy comments about my pregnancy size. Though given what torment she is going through I can see why she is acting like this.
However I think I have now reached the end point with her. Recently one of the other girls in our friendship group organised a baby shower for me. I said to my friend that I would totally understand if she didn't want to go but she said no she would as she was in charge of buying a present. Anyway, its turned out she had a huge strop about buying baby clothes with the other girls (I totally understand why)and ended up buying her own present, but the others have no idea why! She turned up at the baby shower, looking really scruffy and did not speak one word all day and did not leave until I did. I know I might get flayed alive for this, but given all the support I've given her over the last X amount of years and that no one else knew she was going through IVF, the only person she was upsetting was me. I feel that as she decided to attend, she should have just got through the day. The rest of our friends were a bit puzzled by her behaviour but obviously I can't tell them the reason why. Since then she's been calling and inviting herself over as if nothing happened. I just can't stand it anymore!!!!!
I suppose the crux of it is that I feel she does't show me any respect but then expects me to be her personal shrink and I've had enough!