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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should get up early with toddler

226 replies

Babynonamee · 04/06/2018 19:23

I genuinely don't know what is fair.

We have DS1 (18 months) and DS2 (6 weeks)
My DH works full time 8:30-4pm Mon-Fri. I am on maternity leave.

I am up 2-3 times per night feeding the newborn baby (he's pretty good baby to be honest).
Our toddler wakes up between 5am and 6:30 am. And is occasionally up during the night.

Who should get up with the toddler early in the morning? Me who had had a disturbed night sleep every night, or DH who has work all day (he leaves At 8am)?

Also- on the rare occasion toddler wakes during the night, who should be the one to go to him and settle him? (It can take 1-2 hours to settle him)

DH thinks I should as he works. AIBU to think he should? As I am up every night with newborn... Or at least we should take it in turns?

OP posts:
TheSheepofWallSt · 04/06/2018 21:15

@UserV

Not that I have to justify myself but... I’m a single parent with no support, working in the charities sector. It is what it is. I work 8.30-5.30 in the office, get DS, home, tea, bath, bed and then start work again 8-12. Then I get up at 6am and it all starts again.

I don’t say I’m better than anyone tbh- except the OPs lazy husband. I’m definitely better than that lazy, guilt tripping sod.

gigi556 · 04/06/2018 21:16

Umm... I can't believe he even thinks it's ok not to get up with your toddler!!!!! WTF?! 5-6am isn't that early. In fact, when I was working I got up that early anyway to go workout or have a leisurely breakfast and get ready before leaving the house at 8-8:30. He's a CF for saying you should get up with the toddler.

I think keep doing the night wakings with the newborn and try to nap during the day. I'd also say night wakings for Toddler as well unless toddler and newborn are up at the same time.

hopsalong · 04/06/2018 21:20

When I was in this situation I mostly got up with the toddler but that was only because he then went to nursery, so it seemed the least I do. (Felt guilty about him going to the nursery while I was on maternity leave but was going back to work early so didn’t want to take him out.) So I could then go back to sleep while the baby napped. If you’re on your own all day, then obviously he should be the one getting up.

I also have some sympathy with the idea that 8:30-4:30, if not part-time, is far from being a demanding full-time job. Would give my right arm to be done at 4:30 every day!

TallulahWaitingInTheRain · 04/06/2018 21:20

If I could send you a medal and a lifetimes supply of coffee I would SheepofWallSt

I can only assume that half the posters on this thread have no personal experience of chronic sleep deprivation

Beansonapost · 04/06/2018 21:22

He should.

We had our two at the same age... we split it right down the middle.

DH took over with our DD and I focused on the newborn.

DH was doing exams etc. At the time, plus a full time job.

I cannot believe people have said you should be settling a toddler so your husband can get sleep for work😐

We made the baby together... we get to share the suffering. He gets a lunch break at work and however many other breaks he gets to take... he gets a break in that 15 minute drive to work... the moment he steps out the door he's on a break!

As a SAHM myself I get no breaks except in the evenings when DH gets home and takes over.

Some people on this thread need a kick up the arse! How old are you people?!

Thank God I didn't marry someone like this... I would have probably killed him.

frasier · 04/06/2018 21:22

I can only assume that half the posters on this thread have no personal experience of chronic sleep deprivation

^This!

TheSheepofWallSt · 04/06/2018 21:23

@Tallulah

Grin I’m single handedly keeping my local coffee stand in business. Luckily DS (apart from the sleeplessness) is a cracker and makes it all worth it.

Seriously though- I think I have it easier than the OP. Two babies is hard. At least I can doze on the loo for 15 mins at work on the really bad days Wink

WaxOnFeckOff · 04/06/2018 21:23

We had the reverse situation where DH was a SAHP parent (though he also had a part time job) and I went to work. We have two 13 months apart. At one point he was at home with our eldest and I was on Mat leave for my younger one so we were both at home for a few months.

When I went back to work, I got up with whoever was up and got them breakfast or whatever and sat with them until I left for work. I loved that time with them. However, neither were really night wakers after the first few months so we both got reasonable sleep and we took turns at the weekend

Metoodear · 04/06/2018 21:24

You lucky people do say that my husband is a nurse and could kill somone if he hasn’t had a good nites rest I wouldn’t want someone who has been up every night 4 times a nite giving me medication it wrecks you not everyone has a it job

BrioLover · 04/06/2018 21:25

Some of the replies on this thread are insane. The DH is not sleep deprived as the toddler rarely wakes up but the OP is due to her newborn waking between 2-6 times per night. She is recovering from growing and birthing a human, and her hormones and body will be a mess from the BF and said birthing and growing.

Surely at this point in a family's time together everyone just mucks in for a few months till it gets better? So IMO the DH should do at least half the mornings so the OP can catch up on some sleep but will probably end up being awake BF the newborn anyway.

Eminado · 04/06/2018 21:27

He will begrudgingly get up in morning but he makes me feel as though I'm being lazy as I "get to stay home and do fun things all day".*

He is so right! Time for him to spend a week with 2 doing “fun things” on his own. Sooo much fun awaits Hmm.

lulu12345 · 04/06/2018 21:32

I’m also shocked jay some folk think you should be doing it all! Both me and DH have stressful demanding jobs with long hours (albeit in an office environment, not brain surgeons, which would be different I think) but while I’ve been on mat leave with DC2 he has been responsible for night wakings and early mornings with DC1, especially during the first 3 months when I was at my most exhausted. On the odd occasion where I’ve had to do it all myself if DH has been away on overnight work trips I have made a bit song and dance about it and sometimes even sent DC1 off to stay with grandparents! I totally agree with the PP who said we both created the children, we can share responsibility for them.

NanooCov · 04/06/2018 21:32

We have a bigger age gap between ours and my toddler is not an early riser (thank the lord) but does sometimes wake in the night. DH deals with him and I deal with the baby (who only has eyes for me and my boobs currently anyway). Though dealing with the toddler only amounts to getting in his double bed with him so hardly a raw deal for DH but, unless he magically grows some functional boobs, that's the way it works for us currently.

Doofenschmirtz · 04/06/2018 21:41

"but he makes me feel as though I'm being lazy as I "get to stay home and do fun things all day"

By that logic then surely he now gets the chance to "do fun things" between 5am and 8am?

Or does childcare only magically turn into "fun things" when someone else is doing it?

Frazzled2207 · 04/06/2018 21:43

Hmm dunno having been in a similar situation my dh mostly coslept with our toddler for a few months when ds2 arrived, except at weekends when all four of us slept togetherHmm. He went to his own bed but dh would go and collect him at some point- we have a spare room so practically worked well. However toddler was not an early riser so he didn't really have cause to complain.

I think getting him to get up with the toddler say on Tuesday and Thursday sounds like a good compromise. And doing the night shift with baby at least one night at weekends if possible.

givemesteel · 04/06/2018 21:54

Does your toddler go to nursery for any sessions, think that makes a big difference to the answer, as a 5am - 7pm shift with a toddler and a newborn is waaaay harder than your dh's job which sounds very easy (with a half hour commute he's home by 4.30....?).

I think you should take it in turns assuming you also have the toddler full time so how do you then catch up on sleep.

I am in a similar boat with a baby and a toddler but the toddler is at nursery some days and my dh is out the house from 8-8.30 (sometimes longer) so I do all the nights and mornings with mine even when I had a newborn.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 04/06/2018 22:02

We've got a 6 month old that is breastfed and wakes every 2 hours at least. And a 3 year old who can sleep through some nights and be up a couple of nights a week. My OH needs less sleep than me. Generally I look after the baby, he looks after the eldest and gets up with her in the morning. He can still go to bed early and has a few nights of 8 hours sleep which I've not had for 8 months now. I'm getting so tired he is helping rock the baby to sleep one wake up a night as well to help me get a longer stretch.

What has changed with your husbands sleep since the new baby? I'd expect you both to be more tired with a newborn in the house. I think it needs to be balanced so that both of you have the same levels of tiredness if that makes sense otherwise one of you will burn out

sunnydaynoworking · 04/06/2018 22:09

How can we get men to accept the role they need to play with their children if so many women believe other women should be the ones to make all the sacrifices?

TheSheepofWallSt · 04/06/2018 22:15

what @sunny said

when other women don't value the 'work' of mothering, how on earth can we effect a sea change in male attitudes?

needyourlovingtouch · 04/06/2018 22:18

I think you should do it but have weekends off....

Disclaimer- I only have one child so really have no right to comment

Mammalamb · 04/06/2018 22:23

UserV I said wow wow wow. Not wow just wow

clumsyduck · 04/06/2018 22:23

Yes because I'm sure you are just relaxing and napping all day while he is at work right op??

When I read things / hear in real life things like this it's makes my answer to " how did you cope as a single parent from day one " easier . Probably Because I didn't have to resent some overgrown man child who couldn't possibly sleep 10pm- 6 am so he could help with a toddler before work for an hour or so

BestZebbie · 04/06/2018 22:28

You are both working between 8.30 and 4, it is just that your job is more physical and has the lives of two vulnerable people depending on you to get it right 100% of the time...and you are doing it on broken sleep, whilst your body generates milk. He can get up at least some of the time!

Oly5 · 04/06/2018 22:32

He should do the toddler wakings and the mornings. That’s what happens in my house!

lulu12345 · 04/06/2018 22:33

Well said @BestZebbie

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