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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Over school incident? DS's(8) ear pierced by older girl

298 replies

upsideup · 04/06/2018 15:26

I've had to go and pick up DS (8, Y4) from school early today as he had his ear pierced at lunch by a year 6 girl.
The story that I've been told is that he said he wanted it done, she said she knows how to do and had done her friends before and so he ended up lying on the bench surrounded by her friends while she pierced it, DS says he was crying and screamed when she did it but the school reckons nobody heard this. He ended up getting blood on the school table, on his homework and a lot all down his shirt after lunch so had to tell the teacher.

It very much seemed that the school had decided that as DS was certain that he told her she could do it that she hadn't actually done anything wrong and DS is the one who misbehaved and is in big trouble. He has to redo his half term homework and has to stay in at lunch by himself for the rest of the week.
DS told me who did is but I think otherwise they were going to refuse to do so, I've met this girl as shes is in DD1's class so obviously I am going to ask dd if she knows anything about this when she gets home but as there have been party's and play dates with the girl before I know the power balance is definitely on her side. There was no mention of them dealing with the girl or her parents being informed just them making it very clear that DS said she could do it.

I am annoyed with DS, I don't know why he told her she could do it and he was really really stupid to let her but I know I would be a lot more annoyed if he (or dd1) had pierced someone elses ear at school especially a child 3 years younger than them.
That seems a lot more serious and inappropriate to me as at least with DS's actions he was the only one who go hurt. At 11 she is definitely old enough to know that this is not okay and if she doesn't then I think she needs to be taught so now.
I would want to know if my child had done this

So AIBU to want to question the punishment that the girl is getting or at least ask for confirmation that her parents are being informed?
And also maybe even question the playground supervision? I know this isn't the schools fault but it seems a bit odd that nobody noticed and of this.

OP posts:
daffodillament · 05/06/2018 20:00

if I accept the punishment and act reasonable they are probably more likely to take my concerns seriously than if I went in this morning furious No..The school are probably shitting themselves about what might have happened if another more confrontational parent were involved and prob see you as a pit of a pushover. Come on, show them that they can't treat him like this, be assertive. Glad all is well at home and he's fine and happy. The school are treating you both appallingly.

Sparklyhousedust · 05/06/2018 20:02

Sarahrellyboo is the Mum of the other child. Or just one of those appalling people who ‘work in schools’ that continually use the phrase ‘little cherubs’ disparagingly and imagines we are all soooo convinced our children are perfect but that she knows them much better than we do really and they all lie, continually.
Of course it isn’t the boy’s fault. Of course the school should have a better handle on what’s going on. Your poor DS:(

Laceystace · 05/06/2018 20:10

It's only 3 years difference. I'm sorry OP but your son takes some of the blame swell yet you give him ice-cream. The problem here is people are pointing the fingerr at others when the wrong doer is right infront of them.

Theluckynumberthree · 05/06/2018 20:17

That is awful OP. I’m shocked at the schools response. So because a younger child said you can do something physical to me then it means whatever the older child does is fine as they had the younger ones consent!! Ridiculous! Surely she should know better! Of course an 8 year old knows what they are doing too but the fact is she did the actual piercing! she carried out the act- not your son. I woukd take this further- that’s not acceptable

Original poster
upsideup · 05/06/2018 20:18

So you ended up rewarding him for his bad behaviour

No, there were two seperate issues I had to deal with, it doesnt matter what my children have done wrong I dont neglect their other needs.
He got his punishment at school, he was in pain and had to spend his evening in hospital, we has a serious talk about why what he did was wrong and I am confident he has already learnt this lesson from that.
I then comforted my 8 year old child who was upset and scared.
Besides my kids dont see cuddles from me a reward. Same with icecream, we dont use food as rewards but its easy and fun for the kids to make themselves and makes them feel better when your feeling sad or poorly.

OP posts:
daffodillament · 05/06/2018 20:23

what the hell are you on about Lacey ?

youarenotkiddingme · 05/06/2018 20:38

Sarahbelly May have made comments about the boys level of reaction that were slightly Hmm but she isn't the girls Mum. She made great advice advice about reporting to the LADO (la safeguarding officer) and considering this to be assault as she's over the age of responsibility and he's not.

BabiesDontNeedDaddies · 05/06/2018 20:41

Ice cream was definitely a treat not a necessity

LittleMe03 · 05/06/2018 20:46

Just read this. Op that is awful and I hope the girl was also punished. DS 12 would never in a million years do something like this, he knows better as I expect most 11/12 year olds would.

Hope your DS is feeling ok now x

Annette69 · 05/06/2018 20:59

The hysteria of some people on here is laughable. Attacked, HIV, Hepatitis, removing the child from the school, The one think I noticed from the OP is how calm she was. I hope your son is ok 🌸

PeachyPeachTrees · 05/06/2018 21:00

The school playground is very noisy with lots of screeching, so maybe the teachers didn't hear him.

I would be livid if that happened to my DS who is also 8. I believe he is too young to give consent and is therefore the victim. Yes, he was stupid but the girl was totally in the wrong and why was everyone gathering round watching and no one telling a teacher?

The teachers sound like they are deliberately playing it down so that you won't make a formal complaint.

Dontletthebastardsgrindyoudown · 05/06/2018 21:07

@Sarahrellyboo1987 I haven't been in primary school for 20 years, but I have such a big chip on my shoulder about how much teachers and staff wouldn't believe me or other children. Adults thinking they know what's going on, when actually they were in the staff room with no clue what happened, but still only take the child's word with a pinch of salt.

I don't think they get enough credit!

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 05/06/2018 21:13

@dontletthebastardsgrindyoudown well 20 years ago there was much more freedom and often only had 1 playtime supervisor. Now they are much more H&S and behavioural and safeguarding conscious so there are far more staff in the playground.

Obviously the incident happened and the girl should most definitely be punished - if the school didn’t do it I would call the police. However - I am more than aware of how much masking children do at school. If this child really continues through loud screaming and the boy being held down then....1) to only make 3 holes she Greta hand eye coordination far beyond anyone’s else’s, 2) has some serious osychopathic tendencies to continue through such screaming and protest and 3) is very ballsy for not stopping when a child screams - surely she would be scared a teacher would come running.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 05/06/2018 21:17

@sparklyhousedust no, I’m none of those people. I’m just not some do gooder mumsnetter who BS about her kids abilities. My daughter tells dibs, she over exaggerates and always likes to embellish the story.

However - if she ever did anything like this she would be in serious shit! She would be apologising to the poor boy no end.

All I’ve said is that I don’t believe the boy made the amount of protest and fuss he claims.

Mousefunky · 05/06/2018 21:21

So if an eight year old told an eleven year old to push them over or hit them and the eleven year old did it, would it be the eight year olds fault? The eleven year old surely knew better here.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 05/06/2018 21:25

@laceystace and @qwertyuiopy

Yeah yeah....sure, because I disagree about the boys apparent screaming in pain I’m the girls mother. 🤣 what a pair of numpties you are. Just because someone is ridiculously soft minded doesn’t mean they’re “not a very nice person”.

That’s why I suggested if the school didn’t do anything to call the police...because my 7 year old daughter (only child BTW) has magically become 11 years old and has gained a shit load of confidence and hand eye coordination, moved school and assaulted another child!!! 🙄

Original poster
upsideup · 05/06/2018 21:32

I don’t believe the boy made the amount of protest and fuss he claims.

I dont know where you're reading this from at all.
I have said that he made it very clear to everyone that he wanted it done and that he said she could do it. He has not claimed to have made any protest or fuss.
He got on the table voluntarily and screamed and cried when she put she put the needle through his ear which would have taken a matter of seconds not because he didnt want her to do it but because it hurt. He then cried after it happened, obviously she stopped as she didnt even get the needle all the way through.
Thats it, he wasnt pinned down for half and hour screaming no while she continued to stab him in the ear.

OP posts:
Wendycastle · 05/06/2018 21:35

The age of criminal responsibility is 10. Children under this age are considered to not have the capacity to fully understand the consequences of their actions. That's the legal view. He is under this age (by two years, a lot at this stage of development), she is a year over (again, that's quite a lot).
I'd also say that girls generally mature quicker than boys. This is utterly crazy that an 8 year boy is being considered more at fault than an 11 year old girl. Even with GDPR the school can at least confirm that some action is being taken against her. What's to stop this happening again?
You don't need to take this to the police but no harm in pointing out to the school that this could be considered assault...

JuicySwan · 05/06/2018 21:46

I. Would. Go. POSTAL.

wonderstar1216 · 05/06/2018 21:49

I agree with @Mookie81, teacher here too. Go higher, governors and if not satisfactory answer go higher again.

MissVanjie · 05/06/2018 21:53

Me too Juicy

Kids have daft ideas all the time, that’s why they need adults to safeguard them

Abetes · 05/06/2018 21:56

Kids can be stupid - they do stupid things. The boy wanted his ear pierced and the girl pierced it for him. Yes, in an ideal world, she would have told him not to be so stupid and walked away but, by the sounds of it, she didn’t hold him down, or force him, or even persuade him.

Calling the police seems absolutely crazy to me. She should be punished by the school so that she (and the other children in the school) learn that it is absolutely not ok to go around stabbing each other’s ears with safety pins, but she wasn’t acting maliciously and, given that she didn’t completely pierce the ear, she seems to have stopped when he cried out/started crying.

I can’t imagine that there will be any lasting damage and, as long as both parties are made to realise that this was extremely stupid, they should be punished by the school only and then the matter should be put to rest.

Strygil · 05/06/2018 22:08

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Laceystace · 05/06/2018 22:09

Wendycastle

so a person 1 year older has full 'criminal' responsibility. Let kids be kids! Stop criminalising them

daffodillament · 05/06/2018 22:13

If you have a son this stupid then you have to wonder who he takes after. Very, very nasty piece of work you are Strygil !

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