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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Over school incident? DS's(8) ear pierced by older girl

298 replies

upsideup · 04/06/2018 15:26

I've had to go and pick up DS (8, Y4) from school early today as he had his ear pierced at lunch by a year 6 girl.
The story that I've been told is that he said he wanted it done, she said she knows how to do and had done her friends before and so he ended up lying on the bench surrounded by her friends while she pierced it, DS says he was crying and screamed when she did it but the school reckons nobody heard this. He ended up getting blood on the school table, on his homework and a lot all down his shirt after lunch so had to tell the teacher.

It very much seemed that the school had decided that as DS was certain that he told her she could do it that she hadn't actually done anything wrong and DS is the one who misbehaved and is in big trouble. He has to redo his half term homework and has to stay in at lunch by himself for the rest of the week.
DS told me who did is but I think otherwise they were going to refuse to do so, I've met this girl as shes is in DD1's class so obviously I am going to ask dd if she knows anything about this when she gets home but as there have been party's and play dates with the girl before I know the power balance is definitely on her side. There was no mention of them dealing with the girl or her parents being informed just them making it very clear that DS said she could do it.

I am annoyed with DS, I don't know why he told her she could do it and he was really really stupid to let her but I know I would be a lot more annoyed if he (or dd1) had pierced someone elses ear at school especially a child 3 years younger than them.
That seems a lot more serious and inappropriate to me as at least with DS's actions he was the only one who go hurt. At 11 she is definitely old enough to know that this is not okay and if she doesn't then I think she needs to be taught so now.
I would want to know if my child had done this

So AIBU to want to question the punishment that the girl is getting or at least ask for confirmation that her parents are being informed?
And also maybe even question the playground supervision? I know this isn't the schools fault but it seems a bit odd that nobody noticed and of this.

OP posts:
BelindasRedPlasticHandcuffs · 05/06/2018 18:54

He probably made a small ‘ow’ and that was that. I hardly doubt that he screamed and cried...seems very far fetched

The pin used wasn't sharp enough to go all the way though and there are two entry points. Op has already said there was enough blood to go on the table, his clothes and his homework. Having something not particularly very sharp shoved into your skin enough to draw blood by someone that has no idea what they're doing will hurt. He's 8. I don't think it sounds far fetched at all.

CasanovaFrankenstein · 05/06/2018 18:56

What the absolute fuck? I'd be beyond livid!!!

Twillow · 05/06/2018 18:59

It's outrageous. There is a power imbalance here in terms of age, regardless of whether he said yes or even asked her to do it. The girl should have known this was unacceptable to do, and it was dangerous - he could have picked up a severe infection. It's a safeguarding issue and I would contact the school governors if you do not have satisfactory answers from the head.

BottleOfJameson · 05/06/2018 19:01

I absolutely can't believe the girl isn't in serious trouble! Whether your DS should be in any trouble at all really depends what happened - was it his idea to pierce it at school? Did he convince her to do it? If it was her idea I don't think he should be in any trouble at all - he's younger and would naturally feel like he should go along with the older kids.

Even if your DS was begging her to do it and she reluctantly agreed of course she should be spoken to very seriously about it (and punished more than your DS). She's older - the power dynamic is in her favour. She's still a child so I wouldn't call it assault or anything like that but it's a very serious incident and she should be made to see the gravity of it. If only to ensure she doesn't do anything so dangerous again.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 05/06/2018 19:02

@qwertyulopy

It’s not callous - it’s reality. I’m not denying he may have been in pain but I doubt that he would have wanted to display that pain in front of his peers. As for someone else suggesting he was held down and screaming - well, that’s ridiculously unlikely without someone seeing.

Having worked in a school I can absolutely assure you that children lie....frequently....to their parents and parents don’t want to believe their little cherubs have done anything wrong so eat up their lies!

Original poster
upsideup · 05/06/2018 19:02

children lie and BS to parents about what happened because they don’t want to be told off. He probably made a small ‘ow’ and that was that. I hardly doubt that he screamed and cried...seems very far fetched in a playground with lots of children.

He really doesn't tend to lie or exaggerate things to get out of trouble or get someone else into it, he likes to give the full details of whatever has happened even if hes the only one who has done anything wrong. I'm pretty certain he wouldnt make that up, he is also a big crier (and a screamer) so I would be much more shocked if he didn't scream and cry from having his ears pierced.

OP posts:
Sarahrellyboo1987 · 05/06/2018 19:04

@belinda the idea of him screaming in pain and no one hearing is far fetched. Someone would have heard or seen such a commotion. I don’t doubt he was in pain....but I don’t think he made quite the display he’s claiming!

HerRoyalNotness · 05/06/2018 19:05

My DS is 8, he’d be screaming down the playground if this happened to him.

Girl should be the one in trouble, what an utterly stupid thing to do

Original poster
upsideup · 05/06/2018 19:18

Sarahrellyboo1987

He is the most dramatic 8 year in the world and not in the slightest bit shy about causing a scene, even if it wasnt actually hurting it him all I would expect him to scream for the sake of it. I have 3 other kids who will lie black is white to anyone for fun but DS1 just doesnt, the truth is very important to him. None of them are angels, they all actually can be quite naughty at times and I can accept they do wrong, I witness them do wrong daily.
Also people did hear him because as I said dd's friends came in after and told her her brother was crying at lunch, just no staff claim to have noticed.

OP posts:
JamPasty · 05/06/2018 19:22

he had lots of cuddles and got to have lots of icecream when we got home last night before bed

good on you OP!!

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 05/06/2018 19:25

I understand what you mean. You feel like you're putting them on a pedestal sometimes. However you know your own child and what they're capable of

Charolais · 05/06/2018 19:29

An older girl mutilated your son at school. Press charges, she needs to be stopped from doing this again. The blood, the screaming/crying, what the fuck is wrong with her?

Laceystace · 05/06/2018 19:34

A bit of an overreaction. He told her to do it so she did. Yes it was wrong but to press charges? People are already struggling with money the nhs is free so I repeat don't see the point. I doubt it will affect his learning it was just a silly childish thing to do. However he said he wanted to do it why. Don't you have a serious word with your ds instead of attacking another young girl.

corythatwas · 05/06/2018 19:35

"He did give permission and needs some kind of punishment"

When I was just a little older than him I was very, very nearly persuaded into having sexual intercourse with a boy 5 years my senior because I didn't understand how harmful that would be to me (only pulled out at the last minute). I was a compliant child and just didn't feel right about saying no to something that he wanted and I didn't really understand. Are you saying I should have been punished for that? Or that he should have been exonerated because I had given permission so it was really my fault?

The fact that the boy had said it was ok to have his ear pierced doesn't mean he had any understanding of how much that would hurt or how unpleasant it would be when done by an untrained person with a blunt pin, let alone of the infection risk.

And this measure of "giving permission" doesn't mean he forced this girl into it (unless she has some kind of SN and genuinely doesn't understand). She is 3 years older than him, nearly old enough to go to secondary. He is 8, only a year or two shy of infants school. That is a huge difference at that age.

And like NWQM, I would seriously wonder about the rest of the class. If one of them had been my child, there would have been words.

BottleOfJameson · 05/06/2018 19:36

I agree no way press charges against an, albeit irresponsible, 11 year old. She should absolutely be the main person in trouble though.

BottleOfJameson · 05/06/2018 19:37

I also think the school should be looking into it much more closely - how on earth did it happen? Who else was there? They should probably be talking to all children to make it clear that this kind of thing is in no way appropriate and they should be looking into why no one noticed.

Laceystace · 05/06/2018 19:42

Am I the only one not surprised by this type of behavior. When I was younger kids would pierce their own ears all the time. A friend only mine once did it. I don't think anybody did anything seriously wrong in the situation if she have forced him to the ground and did it then that would be a serious problem however your ds asked for her to do it. Unfortunately schools just don't have enough staff to be looking after every single child in the playground. Unfortunately incidents like this happen.

BruceFoxton · 05/06/2018 19:43

They have a policy for supervision of children. They have not been able to keep children safe. This needs to be made known to governors.

youarenotkiddingme · 05/06/2018 19:43

Imo their were two wrongs here.

Ds for asking her/ agreeing she could do it and the girl for offering/saying she would and saying she's done it before.

But you can't apportion blame to just one party and ignore the actions of the others. Especially because it wasn't an impulse reaction by the girl - she went to get and cleaned the equipment. Also there is a difference between a yr 6 11yo and a 8yo in terms of maturity and she should definitely know better.

As at as speaking to school. I'd have a few points.

  1. ask them to explain their rationale of how the blame solely lies at the feet of an 8yo and the 11yo who partook has no responsibility.
  2. ask them for specific explanation of how they will tackle this (Eg assembly explaining risks) and how they will improve playground supervision.

Then email to confirm what was discussed and what outcomes were.

I think you are absolutely correct not to push it too far as your ds had an equal involvement - but you need to ensure and show ds that he will be treated fairly and you'll fight for him to have equal treatment. So I'd say neither punished or both equally.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 05/06/2018 19:47

I haven’t RTFT...so sorry if this has been said...

At 8 years old your DS is NOT able to give consent to this procedure. The girl at 11 years old IS old enough to know that what she did was wrong.

If this had happened at my school both sets of parents would have been called immediately and the Y6 girl would have been in serious trouble. Y6 children are often given positions of responsibility and this COULD be considered an abuse of her ‘power’ over a younger child.

Not saying your DS has no share in the blame but he has been assaulted. I know it’s not the same but even if an eight year old asks for sexual contact then they are not considered to have LEGALLY consented due to their age, I would have thought that this would be similar from a LEGAL position.

qwertyuiopy · 05/06/2018 19:48

Sarahrellyboo1987

You are not a very nice person.

qwertyuiopy · 05/06/2018 19:50

Oh, is Sarahrellyboo1987 the mother of the attacker?

Laceystace · 05/06/2018 19:52

Sarahrellyboo1987

I'm guessing you're the girls mother

BabiesDontNeedDaddies · 05/06/2018 19:55

So you ended up rewarding him for his bad behaviour

Findingdotty · 05/06/2018 19:57

I would question how this happened if there is an appropriate level of supervision in the playground.
I wouldn’t normally go stupid but as the school are not taking this seriously I would threaten getting the police involved as your son has been physical assaulted basically. I know he agreed but he’s 8 and she is older and knows (or should know) that it’s wrong to do this to anyone especially younger children. The threat of police should make the school listen properly.