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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is the Ex wife taking the pi**???

183 replies

Glitterzzz · 04/06/2018 10:26

Hello

My partner has two children with his ex wife and they have a great close relationship. He sees them very often and pays maintenance each month with fail. On top of this he pays for his eldest daughters bus pass and on a weekly basis he will buy them things they need like school clothing, shoes, trainers, replacing broke school bags, smashed iPhone screens and so on. He also provided a phone for each girl and pays their monthly phone bills for their contract.

His ex wife has texted asking for more maintenance. She works as does my partner. She has claimed it needs to go up as she’s had to buy a lot of clothes lately which is just hilarious when last week he had to buy his eldest clothing as she didn’t have any summer / warmer weather clothes.

His ex is super tight. She refused to get them a phone ( both teenagers) she shops second hand for their shoes and they both obviously have limited clothes. The girls know there is no chance of getting anything branded or modern from mum so they turn to the bank of Dad and he pays it all.

This isn’t the girls fault.

The mum has never offered to pay half towards anything he has contributed. Would like to make it clear these haven’t been luxury little gifts they have been things that are needed ( one didn’t have the right sports footwear for PE the other had holes on her shoes ) his ex has never thanked or acknowledged anything extra he provides and he provides a lot on a weekly basis on top of the maintenance.

She was in Milan last month and just returned home from a week away this weekend and now he has this message. He has said he won’t pay her anything else ( hasn’t told her yet ) but I’m thinking there’s a small chance he might.

It’s his money but he works bloody hard 60 plus hours a week trying to make a better life and is in no way financially comfortable .

Is this a piss take ?

OP posts:

lalaloopyhead · 04/06/2018 12:45

Eh? Did I miss the bit where he left her? Maybe he did, maybe she was shagging the milkman - who knows?

Still doesn't cost £800 a month extra to house, feed and clothe 2 kids.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/06/2018 12:45

Perhaps the issue is that the ex thinks she know better about what the money could be spent on and it could be stretched a lot further if she was in control. To her, 1 branded pair of trainers could buy 5 pairs unbranded.

I think you’re being awfully kind to the woman. From the sound of it, she’d spend it on herself and buy her kids stuff from the charity shop if at all.

Imo op, YANBU to suggest that your dps ex gets enough money. If she’s going to spend the extra on another holiday abroad or trip away for herself, no way would I give a penny more. What parent goes to Milan and then away without taking their kids? I do have that right, don’t I? She went alone. Like hell would I be funding her jollies.

flamingofridays · 04/06/2018 12:45

"400 per month really isn't a lot of money"

to some of us it is.

Lacucuracha · 04/06/2018 12:45

He is in a low paid job hence the calculation says around £40 a week based on his earnings.

So he should be paying £160 (or £320) per month but is actually paying £400 per month and lots of extras like mobile phone bills, bus passes and clothes and shoes.

I think he's doing well. If he's in a low wage job, then that must put a big dent in his wages.

If this is going to affect family finances, you are perfectly within your rights to tell DH that he needs to be fair and make sure both his girls and your own household are treated fairly.

hopeidontforgetthisusername · 04/06/2018 12:50

If he is in a low paid job and should only pay £40 per week (according to the OP) he is actually paying way more than half his take home income? Are you sure these figures are correct OP?

DuchyDuke · 04/06/2018 12:51

Your ex’s money ‘covers’ your son because you and your new partner also contribute towards him. Ie your new partner pays household bills etc. If ex doesn’t have a partner then you CAN’t compare her to you.

Original poster

Glitterzzz · 04/06/2018 12:51

He is in a low paid job and I don’t ses how he can increase the money he already pays. There are a lot of assumptions that he left her and she must be broke to shop in a chairty shop which isn’t the case! Some people just like to use them and she does and that’s her choice but why ask him for more money for clothing when she chooses to take her youngest to the charity shop for second hand shoes ? I’m not looking down on second hand items but hygiene is an issue and sadly kids these days have a lot of peer pressure about what they wear ... these girls are 11 and 13. They live in social
Housing so there is no mortgage. As a single working parent she does get help from the government and child tax credits.

I have no ill feelings towards his ex wife. I respect their mother and the girls know this, it’s avrually her than in the past has sent abusive messages screaming ‘ ITS ALL ABOUT YOU AND YOUR FAMILY NOW ‘ we also are getting officially married in October which was announced a few weeks ago....

OP posts:

BlueSapp · 04/06/2018 12:53

If she is the main care giver she is entitled to spend maintenance payments how shes sees fit, If he can prove that she is misappropriating the funds, he should take her to court for custody, if what has been said about them not being clothed and holes in their shoes is true why wouldn't he, after that there will be no maintenance to worry about, he'd be claiming it for the ex wife!

hopeidontforgetthisusername · 04/06/2018 12:53

If he is in a low paid job and should only pay £40 per week (according to the OP) he is actually paying way more than half his take home income? Are you sure these figures are correct OP?

This is based on the fact that £40 per week for 2 children is the amount that the CSA would assess you at for a £300 gross income per week.

If he is paying £400 to the ex wife, £200 a month on clothes (OP's further post updating on more info) and £70 for bus pass and mobile phones than that is approximately £670 per month and way over half of his take home pay.

CaitlynsCat · 04/06/2018 12:54

"Shes his ex wife, he left her she's entitled to help toward rent when she has his kids, the portion of household bills associated with a bigger home is reasonable, heating water, charging the expensive phones and whatever else"

Nope.

She is entitled to help from the state based on set rates applicable to all parents with children, and she is entitled to 16% of his wages.

She is not entitled to some arbitrary sum of money based on perceived needs.

flamingofridays · 04/06/2018 12:54

blue

yes she can spend it on what she sees fit, but what were saying is she would have rent/bills to pay whether she had kids or not.

NikaKaKa · 04/06/2018 12:54

Has no one read the full thread?

OP has clearly provided us with info in regards to how much CM says her DP should be paying (£40 a week = £360 a month). He is paying £400 a month so above the legal minimum.

She has also said that the teens are with them every half term, summer holidays and evenings for dinner.

Considering they're not even having dinner at home, I think your DP is providing enough ££.

As others have stated, his ex-wife would need to pay rent and household bills regardless.

I think he needs to have a face to face conversation with her to see how much more she wants and to see what is feasible.

NikaKaKa · 04/06/2018 12:57

Shes his ex wife, he left her she's entitled to help toward rent when she has his kids, the portion of household bills associated with a bigger home is reasonable, heating water, charging the expensive phones and whatever else

Erm who said he left her? And if he did, it means he has to pay more? So with your logic, if she left him would he be allowed to pay less?

StepBackNow · 04/06/2018 12:58

She's taking the absolute piss. He should not pay her any more than the CMS minimum but make it up to the DCs by buying things directly for them.

She's trying to get at you both because you're getting married. Nasty Cah.

Letmesuckyourblood · 04/06/2018 12:58

I think she's taking the piss!! He pays plenty for his kids as well as extras!!

£800 is more than enough to spend on 2 kids a month! (£400 each a month)!

I got absolutely fuck all from my ex and I still manage to afford everything with a house, bills, car and 2 kids!

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 04/06/2018 12:59

Yabu

It costs a lot to bring up kids, the biggest costs being accommodation (2 extra bedrooms in this case, something you don’t provide I imagine) and the loss of ability to earn over time. Even if she can work now the loss from having had a career break is substantial over time.

I think most maintenance is very minimal and in no way is half the costs. And anyway, why would you want your husband to not be generous? They are his kids. Believe me I’d be the first to say otherwise, my DPs Ex has a house bought for her, very generous maintenance and still she complains and my DP provides phones, bill pay, bus cards, lifts, books... now that’s taking it too far!

CaitlynsCat · 04/06/2018 13:02

sorry how much does he actually earn per year?

flamingofridays · 04/06/2018 13:02

omg as if you're advocating paying more because the ex took a career break. presumably (if she did) that is her choice?

jesus Christ!

CheeseyToast · 04/06/2018 13:05

I understand why this irks you OP but I think your partner is doing the right thing. Divorce is expensive but that doesn't mean we have to apportion blame or resentment. The girls are young and have every right to be provided for. It is quite correct that both their parents contribute in every way they can.

In only a few years they'll be grown up and gone. Please don't begrudge them their childhoods. They've already lost dad on a daily basis, let them have his unconditional support.

Letmesuckyourblood · 04/06/2018 13:05

It's the ex wife's choice to take a career break but why does that mean he should pay more maintenance?? Her choice so she should deal with the consequences

ZanyMobster · 04/06/2018 13:18

Sounds like he is being very reasonable. If I was him I would say no to increasing but ask specifically what it is they need and either buy the items or pay a reasonable amount towards them.

The attitude on here is quite unpleasant at times, why is it assumed that he has loads of spare cash etc. Not all men are high earners or just out to stitch their ex-wives up. Obviously we can not possibly know the full story but based on the info we have he's hardly trying to get out of paying.

Shumpalumpa · 04/06/2018 13:18

So he should be paying £160 (or £320) per month but is actually paying £400 per month and lots of extras like mobile phone bills, bus passes and clothes and shoes.

I think he's doing well. If he's in a low wage job, then that must put a big dent in his wages.

If this is going to affect family finances, you are perfectly within your rights to tell DH that he needs to be fair and make sure both his girls and your own household are treated fairly.

^^ This by Lacucuracha

Twofigsnotgiven · 04/06/2018 13:18

Sometimes you just have to suck it up - and keep out of it. Divorce/breakups involving children means everyone is worse off financially. Your DP pays more than the CMS minimum, plus other expenses (shoes etc), so yes, he doesn’t need to pay more. The girls’ mum, in addition to her income, maintenance, and child benefit, will also get tax credits presumably. So I’d say while in theory she SHOULD be able to manage, HOW she manages is none of your business, even if she spends all the money on holidays, etc. (DH’s Ex wife has form for this, but we have to grin and bear it).
She’s perfectly entitled to ask for more money, your DP is entitled to say no. But it’s between them, not you.
Do not get involved.

Letmesuckyourblood · 04/06/2018 13:24

*But it's between them, not you.
Do not get involved.
*
It does involve her tho. The more money he pays to his ex the less money they have as a family for their bills, kids and expenses as well.

PrettyLovely · 04/06/2018 13:27

He sounds like a good father, Yanbu.

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