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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is the Ex wife taking the pi**???

183 replies

Glitterzzz · 04/06/2018 10:26

Hello

My partner has two children with his ex wife and they have a great close relationship. He sees them very often and pays maintenance each month with fail. On top of this he pays for his eldest daughters bus pass and on a weekly basis he will buy them things they need like school clothing, shoes, trainers, replacing broke school bags, smashed iPhone screens and so on. He also provided a phone for each girl and pays their monthly phone bills for their contract.

His ex wife has texted asking for more maintenance. She works as does my partner. She has claimed it needs to go up as she’s had to buy a lot of clothes lately which is just hilarious when last week he had to buy his eldest clothing as she didn’t have any summer / warmer weather clothes.

His ex is super tight. She refused to get them a phone ( both teenagers) she shops second hand for their shoes and they both obviously have limited clothes. The girls know there is no chance of getting anything branded or modern from mum so they turn to the bank of Dad and he pays it all.

This isn’t the girls fault.

The mum has never offered to pay half towards anything he has contributed. Would like to make it clear these haven’t been luxury little gifts they have been things that are needed ( one didn’t have the right sports footwear for PE the other had holes on her shoes ) his ex has never thanked or acknowledged anything extra he provides and he provides a lot on a weekly basis on top of the maintenance.

She was in Milan last month and just returned home from a week away this weekend and now he has this message. He has said he won’t pay her anything else ( hasn’t told her yet ) but I’m thinking there’s a small chance he might.

It’s his money but he works bloody hard 60 plus hours a week trying to make a better life and is in no way financially comfortable .

Is this a piss take ?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 04/06/2018 10:49

You think they “don’t need” adequate school kit, clothes, bus passes and phone contracts @DuchyDuke

Yeah, what a deadbeat dad making sure they’re able to get to school in the right gear Hmm

StrongerThanIThought76 · 04/06/2018 10:50

Depends totally on how much he SHOULD be paying according to CMS. A quick calculation on their website tells me that (assuming they stay 1-2 nights a week) a contribution of £400 a month means he earns about £680 a week before tax. If he's working 60+ hours a week is he really only earning £11 an hour?

Has he got an arrangement through the CMS?

CMS is the MINIMUM legal contribution. Bravo if he pays extra on top...

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 04/06/2018 10:50

*Those who are saying it should be more:

Tell me how it costs more than £400 per month? The mother needs to contribute too. Dad doesn’t have to pay for everything*

This.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 04/06/2018 10:51

Actually, it's only £200/month which isn't a great deal really, and I think you sound really obnoxious saying mum is tight because she won't buy them branded clothes. Maybe she can't afford it, branded stuff is not cheap. You sound resentful and actually quite awful. Bank of Dad, seriously, give your head a wobble, this is what happens when you get involved with people who have kids.

Original poster
Glitterzzz · 04/06/2018 10:52

She works and receives working tax credits as part time and also child benefit. I’m not saying children aren’t expensive but these children are very much raised on her money / spending beliefs .. to the comment that him having a close relationship with his children is what really bothers me ... that’s so insulting. This is a money issue, having a child together and myself having children with my ex husband we have the blended family thing down to a tee thank you... I did check on the child support agency ? Website and it looks like he is providing the maximum that he needs too.

I don’t ask my ex for any extras so In my eyes he is covering enough and of course the amount would change as they grow ( 11 and 13 at the moment ) but this isn’t the first time she has asked
For more ... he increased it 5 months ago

OP posts:
MumofBoysx2 · 04/06/2018 10:52

If I were him I would start keeping a spreadsheet of what he spends on them, keep receipts etc in case she decides to hit him for more maintenance, also when she asks for something he can draw her attention to the outlays he's made recently, especially if she says she needs to buy clothes and he has just bought some!

PartyAnxiety · 04/06/2018 10:53

I think it also depends on housing. If she got the house in the divorce and has a small mortgage it's very different from having to pay huge amounts of rent in an expensive part of the country.

MindBodyChocolate · 04/06/2018 10:53

Instead of leaping to the conclusion that she’s taking the piss, how about your dp and his ex discuss why she needs more and how much that might be like adults? Would it be better if your dp paid for more things direct like clothes/shoes etc?

Don’t mean to sound harsh but your OP makes your dp sound like some kind of saint, but as far as I can see he’s just being a parent.

sallythesheep73 · 04/06/2018 10:53

It depends what your husband earns, what his ex wife earns and what the children cost to run. It is their situation to resolve and not yours. He had the children before you came along (I am assuming) so it his issue and his responsibility. It seems most fathers pay a pittance. £4800 per year for 2 teenage children sounds like buttons to me. She has to pay a mortgage, feed them, drive them around etc.

happypoobum · 04/06/2018 10:54

The £400 a month figures is totally meaningless tbh.

How much does he earn/take home?

If the DC have so little, it's fairly clear that the XW is struggling financially. If their father thinks XW is deliberately withholding expenditure on the DDs he should challenge it - like rabbits says.

Is XW claiming everything she is entitled to?

The trips are also meaningless without context. I had all this shit from XH about "all my holidays" when most of it was business travel.

Tambien · 04/06/2018 10:54

CM has nothing to do with how much she is earningor if she can go away in hols.
CM is about covering the cost of raising children and I suspect that if your DH was adding all the cost for the dcs (incl house, water, electricity, food etc etc), he might find that what he is paying doesn’t cover half of that.
The fact she is only buying clothes in second hand shop is her choice. Same with the telephone. Plenty of people have taken the decision to live like this (money issue, ethical reasons etc... rather than just being ‘stingy’)
Holes in the shoes could easily be that the teenagers don’t dare asking their mum rather than her not wanting to do it (dh hates spending money so the dcs sometimes don’t dare ellingnthatnsortnof stuff. They tell me instead).

Bottom line is. It depends on how much he is paying (in proportion of his wage!!)

BarbarianMum · 04/06/2018 10:55

Agree with stronger. Depends on his salary. What does the CMS say he should pay?

DarkDarkNight · 04/06/2018 10:59

As long as he’s paying at least the minimum as calculated by the CMS then no YANBU.

Of course it costs more than the maintenance amount to raise children but the Dad isn’t responsible for 100% of the upkeep. He is entitled to a decent standard of life himself. The mother is also responsible, she will be getting CB and possibly Child Tax Credits as well to meet any shortfall.

I get a bit less than the minimum amount that the CMS calculated and I am happy with that. I know my ex has a fairly low paid job and it would be a struggle to pay more. He doesn’t pay any extras like shoes or school trips and activities but I know he is a generous person and would if he could.

sallythesheep73 · 04/06/2018 10:59

I don't think paying the bare minimum is playing the game. THESE ARE HIS CHILDREN = HIS RESPONSIBILITY.
The parents should sit down and calculate what the children cost (afterschool clubs, transport, clothes, food etc) and then work out what % this is of their total combined earnings and each pay that. That would be much fairer.
I would be very pissed off if someone offered me £4800 per year. We spend about £100 per month on activities / sports for 2 children, nevermind bus to school £100 per month per child.. DS1 just moved school and the 2nd hand uniform was £400..

Emmasmum2013 · 04/06/2018 11:00

It all depends on his salary and how often you/their mum has them.

You'd have to have a look on a calculator like this one

www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

Have a look how much he's meant to pay and go from there.

ArfArfBarf · 04/06/2018 11:00

If he’s a high earner she might be pissed off that he’s not paying a reasonable share of his salary in maintenance, but instead providing flashy phones and brands. Sounds a bit Disney dad.

What does the CMS calculator say he should be paying as a proportion of his salary?

Spanglyprincess1 · 04/06/2018 11:01

Honestly it's up to him what he pays - although it is annoying somtimes. I dont agree ref the comments 400 a month isn't enough as I assume it's CSA assessed on his income. He is paying for half not all of their care, the mother meets the other half. Yes she has to pay rent/morgage and food but so does her ex husband as he has to house his children too/feed them or he wouldn't be able to have access to them.
A spreadsheet of cost eg what is spent now and then maybe re directing it could work eg cheaper phones etc

happypoobum · 04/06/2018 11:01

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Tambien · 04/06/2018 11:02

he is providing the maximum that he needs too
Errr are you sure it’s not the minimum? Because I’m pretty sure there is maximum of how much a father can give as CM....
So he is paying CM and adds some bits on the top. I wouod say he is doing the minimum there.

On the top of that, she is working part time and receives working tax credit. So she isnt earning a lot.

Sorry but I suspect your DH might not have to pay more. It doesn’t make him the most generous father ever (it’s the MINIMUM).

From your posts, I think your issue is more that she is going away on hols and you think it’s not on because ‘she ought to put the dcs first’ (and expect your DH to not pay anything else).

Fwiw I have two teens. They don’t have a contract phone. They both both their own phones themsleves and have a pay as you go (they put about £10 on it every few months because they are careful, use messenger etc... rather than texts etc).
They don't have designer clothes (when they do it’s tkmaxx at a similar price than standard clothes) etc...
I’m struggling to see what is tight about the mum when she clearly doesn’t have a lot of money.

sallythesheep73 · 04/06/2018 11:03

happypoobum I like this ;-)

ghostyslovesheets · 04/06/2018 11:03

My ex hides the extra's he gives me from his new partner because she gives him hell for it

He pays me more now to cover mobile phones, 'pocket' money, school dinners (which cost £200 a month alone) - we pay halves for all of the above but he gives me cash so she doesn't know.

It's totally out of order - it's his money - but she can be so mean to the kids about it - and me - horrible stuff

He pays a lot of maintenance as well - but our children had a lifestyle when we were married that he wants to continue - and that can't be done on my wages!

Original poster
Glitterzzz · 04/06/2018 11:03

He is in a low paid job hence the calculation says around £40 a week based on his earnings. I’m unsure if that’s for both of just for one. They have two parents and I’m not doubting she pays out for things of course she does but he really does pay out for many things on top.

OP posts:
clumsyduck · 04/06/2018 11:05

I'm not saying the ex is wrong here but I get less than a quarter of that in maintenance . I think some non single parents on here would be quite shocked how little financial help some of us get from our exps !

kitkatsky · 04/06/2018 11:06

You're allowed to be upset about this on behalf of your son, but you would be very unreasonable to get involved. This is between them

Whatshallidonowpeople · 04/06/2018 11:06

£470 a month??? Have you raised 2 teenagers? I know who is taking be p and it's not her!