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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is the Ex wife taking the pi**???

183 replies

Glitterzzz · 04/06/2018 10:26

Hello

My partner has two children with his ex wife and they have a great close relationship. He sees them very often and pays maintenance each month with fail. On top of this he pays for his eldest daughters bus pass and on a weekly basis he will buy them things they need like school clothing, shoes, trainers, replacing broke school bags, smashed iPhone screens and so on. He also provided a phone for each girl and pays their monthly phone bills for their contract.

His ex wife has texted asking for more maintenance. She works as does my partner. She has claimed it needs to go up as she’s had to buy a lot of clothes lately which is just hilarious when last week he had to buy his eldest clothing as she didn’t have any summer / warmer weather clothes.

His ex is super tight. She refused to get them a phone ( both teenagers) she shops second hand for their shoes and they both obviously have limited clothes. The girls know there is no chance of getting anything branded or modern from mum so they turn to the bank of Dad and he pays it all.

This isn’t the girls fault.

The mum has never offered to pay half towards anything he has contributed. Would like to make it clear these haven’t been luxury little gifts they have been things that are needed ( one didn’t have the right sports footwear for PE the other had holes on her shoes ) his ex has never thanked or acknowledged anything extra he provides and he provides a lot on a weekly basis on top of the maintenance.

She was in Milan last month and just returned home from a week away this weekend and now he has this message. He has said he won’t pay her anything else ( hasn’t told her yet ) but I’m thinking there’s a small chance he might.

It’s his money but he works bloody hard 60 plus hours a week trying to make a better life and is in no way financially comfortable .

Is this a piss take ?

OP posts:
clumsyduck · 04/06/2018 12:13

Obviously they should step up but should they be paying half the rent /mortgage / everything as though they live there to?? Some people seem to think they should going by this thread . If my dc decided to go live with their dad should I then be paying 400 - 500 pound a month and live on the street ??

If he's on a low to even national average income 400 pound a month could be all he can afford

Original poster
Glitterzzz · 04/06/2018 12:13

To clarify

£400 cash monthly
£40 monthly phone contract
Approx £200 on top for clothing, trips and extras that his ex won’t fund so he has too. Two parents here that should both be contributing.

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 04/06/2018 12:13

those saying £400 a month isn't a lot to raise two teenagers on... well theyre her kids too so call it £800 a month if she is paying "half"

that's not a small amount.

I dread to think what you're all buying for your teenagers if they literally cost you thousands a month to bring up.

CaitlynsCat · 04/06/2018 12:14

"£400 a month isn't a lot when you consider the cost of having extra bedrooms, extra utility payments, grocery bills, school extras for classes and activities, after-school care or clubs, school trips etc. Sorry."

But she is getting £1k/month in benefits purely because she has children.

So it's actually £1400/month to cover those things.

CaitlynsCat · 04/06/2018 12:16

"To clarify

£400 cash monthly
£40 monthly phone contract
Approx £200 on top for clothing, trips and extras that his ex won’t fund so he has too. Two parents here that should both be contributing."

£40/month for phone? That's ridiculous. Not to mention the overpriced iphones.

Original poster
Glitterzzz · 04/06/2018 12:16

Happypoobum has made three posts about my past posts when having issues with my Dp, and no child
Maintenance issues with his ex wife wasn’t one of them but she seems DESPERATE to highlight the fact I’ve complained about my partner before ... so please please enlighten her and read them.. what a sad act!

OP posts:
clumsyduck · 04/06/2018 12:18

It sounds like he is contributing Massivley . Some people on here are incredibly deluded .

If I got that kind of money from my ex dc and I would be swanning off abroad every 3 months !!

Middlrm · 04/06/2018 12:21

Find out what legally he needs to pay ... he pays her that then keeps up busing clothes and extras then he has done well.

If her income is that low often people in that situation don’t pay council tax / possibly have a council house at £60pw rent.

Receive tax credits and child benifit that top her salary up.

If she needs more because she just spent more on clothes then it shouldn’t be a every month thing but a one off?

As he is regularly buying clothes?

It’s a tough one as there doesn’t seem to be enough information to make judgement on it.

As your input hasn’t changed I don’t think he has explained the situation in full either to you.

DobbyisFREE · 04/06/2018 12:23

Perhaps the issue is that the ex thinks she knows better about what the money could be spent on and it could be stretched a lot further if she was in control. To her, 1 branded pair of trainers could buy 5 pairs unbranded.

The message coming through after a holiday makes me think she just overspent on holiday and is now panicking though so I like the spreadsheet idea.

I think the best compromise here is for your DP to stop buying expensive items but to agree on a set amount with the ex that's more than what he's paying now in maintenance but less / the same overall (obviously he can still treat them when he feels like it).

When you don't have much money, the kindness of others can sting a little. If you can't afford to fill the fridge with food but someone gifts you £50 trainers you are of course grateful but it isn't the priority. You could have picked up a pair for £5 and spent the rest on pasta, rice, etc.

YANBU to feel the way you do and I don't think she is either, this should be solvable with wiser spending.

Original poster
Glitterzzz · 04/06/2018 12:24

He is buying clothes / shoes / trainers and so on every week. He also pays for both girls bus passes which is another £30 a month. On top of the maintenance and the phones. The phones are more a safety thing and it’s £40 for both.

I will be sure to show him this thread.

OP posts:
Whatshallidonowpeople · 04/06/2018 12:26

those saying £400 a month isn't a lot to raise two teenagers on... well theyre her kids too so call it £800 a month if she is paying "half"

The money is to cover bills and housing too. Or do you all think your exes' children should not have homes?

CaitlynsCat · 04/06/2018 12:28

you don't need to spend £20/month on phones. Safety net is £5 PAYG credit every few months, and there are plenty of contracts with decent amounts of data, minutes, texts, etc. for £10/month or less.

Stop wasting money.

www.hotukdeals.com/deals/the-hotukdeals-sim-only-deals-thread-all-of-the-cheapest-sim-only-deals-and-free-sim-offers-2481975

flamingofridays · 04/06/2018 12:29

she would be paying rent/mortgage and bills anyway.

does ops husband not also have to provide a home for them to stay in when they're there? a big enough home so they have somewhere to sleep etc?

why is it one parents responsibility to house the other?

lalaloopyhead · 04/06/2018 12:29

£400 seems like a fairly decent amount, depending on what your DP earns of course.

It really annoys me when people say it costs much more than £100 a week to raise two children etc etc, Yes Ex has to pay rent/bills etc but so does the DP! Why should NRP pay half of everything? Would Rp not live in a house and pay bills etc if the children didn't live with her??

I'm saying this as a Mother than receives no maintenance, but I know it wouldn't save me £100.00 a week if my girls didn't live with me!

lalaloopyhead · 04/06/2018 12:32

Actually good point from above...I ought to be able to save £200 a week if I wasn't RP.

flamingofridays · 04/06/2018 12:33

dss moved in with us, from his mums.

we now don't pay maintenance
we do pay for;

slightly more food
slightly more (a couple of quid a month) gas and electric
bus pass
school dinners
pocket money (which he got anyway)
clothes (which he got anyway)

but guess what

my mortgage didn't miraculously get bigger

Steeley113 · 04/06/2018 12:33

How often are the DC at yours? I’m pretty sure that comes into how much you have to pay.

BlueSapp · 04/06/2018 12:34

The rent, food & toiletries, electric, gas, trips out with friends, school uniform, there are a lot of things that need paying for that he's not paying so I would say he probably could pay more, branded clothes are not a necessity, so i would also think there might be some playing one off the other here with those things, if the mother says she can't afford them daddy will buy them.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 04/06/2018 12:34

I get sweet fuck all in maintenance.

But when I did, I never expected my ex to pay towards housing or my bills. I expected him to make sure that DD had everything she needed in terms of clothes, uniform, food. All the basics and maybe some treats.

flamingofridays · 04/06/2018 12:35

bluesapp
why would he pay for his ex's rent or gas and electric?

do you not think he probably pays for those things (or a percentage of those things) in the house he actually lives in?

lalaloopyhead · 04/06/2018 12:39

Why should the kids do without their luxuries that Dad buys just so that their Mum can go on holiday. She doesn't seem to be prioritising their needs when spending does she?

If Mum was genuinely on her arse then fair enough, but from the info we have she is not.

CaitlynsCat · 04/06/2018 12:39

"The money is to cover bills and housing too"

This is not exactly correct, as HB, CTC, WTC are designed to cover these expenses. Maintenance does not reduce benefit entitlements a single penny.

Child maintenance is money above and beyond the essentials.

BlueSapp · 04/06/2018 12:40

Shes his ex wife, he left her she's entitled to help toward rent when she has his kids, the portion of household bills associated with a bigger home is reasonable, heating water, charging the expensive phones and whatever else

flamingofridays · 04/06/2018 12:43

Shes his ex wife, he left her she's entitled to help toward rent when she has his kids, the portion of household bills associated with a bigger home is reasonable, heating water, charging the expensive phones and whatever else

so I assume she should be paying him something towards his rent when the kids are with him?

also, he probably has a similar size home to allow the kids to stay with him!

don't be so bloody ridiculous!

oh and she is entitled to bugger all, child maintenance is money for the children. they are entitled to it.

lastnightidreamtofpotatoes · 04/06/2018 12:43

his ex has never thanked or acknowledged anything extra he provides

Does your DP thank his ex every time she cooks their dd's a meal, does their washing, does the school run?

£400 per month really isn't a lot of money.