Is the Ex wife taking the pi**???

[Glitterzzz]

Hello

My partner has two children with his ex wife and they have a great close relationship. He sees them very often and pays maintenance each month with fail. On top of this he pays for his eldest daughters bus pass and on a weekly basis he will buy them things they need like school clothing, shoes, trainers, replacing broke school bags, smashed iPhone screens and so on. He also provided a phone for each girl and pays their monthly phone bills for their contract.

His ex wife has texted asking for more maintenance. She works as does my partner. She has claimed it needs to go up as she’s had to buy a lot of clothes lately which is just hilarious when last week he had to buy his eldest clothing as she didn’t have any summer / warmer weather clothes.

His ex is super tight. She refused to get them a phone ( both teenagers) she shops second hand for their shoes and they both obviously have limited clothes. The girls know there is no chance of getting anything branded or modern from mum so they turn to the bank of Dad and he pays it all.

This isn’t the girls fault.

The mum has never offered to pay half towards anything he has contributed. Would like to make it clear these haven’t been luxury little gifts they have been things that are needed ( one didn’t have the right sports footwear for PE the other had holes on her shoes ) his ex has never thanked or acknowledged anything extra he provides and he provides a lot on a weekly basis on top of the maintenance.

She was in Milan last month and just returned home from a week away this weekend and now he has this message. He has said he won’t pay her anything else ( hasn’t told her yet ) but I’m thinking there’s a small chance he might.

It’s his money but he works bloody hard 60 plus hours a week trying to make a better life and is in no way financially comfortable .

Is this a piss take ?

You haven't said yet how many nights the children spend with their mother and how many with their father!

She's taking the piss...

I think a strong message is in order.

Send her CMS data.
Point out he's paying the max plus extras.
Say that if she really can't manage to even keep them in necessities on that, with her wage plus tax credits plus CB, then there is always the option that they could become resident with you and stay with her less?

I have a feeling that will provide the short sharp shock needed.

£400 per month for teens 😂😂😂lunch would be £120 a month alone it’s abouf £3 a day each

You have no clue op and if he lived with them he would be paying along more than £400

If you think the ex wife keeps a home a car and all the costs concerned for £400 you crazy

The spreadsheet sounds like a good idea. The children come to stay in all the holidays and half terms and are here for dinner and things during the weekdays. Myself and ex have a agreement for our son and I don’t ask for extras.. it’s his money and the children are his responsibility so of course it’s his choice at the end of the day but I cannot see how he can afford to further increase.

Looking at the website ‘ legally’ he seems to be covering more than they would ask for so I won’t get involved but will highlight to him that it’s worth mentioning to her they could get an assessment done instead of the private arrangement they have .

He is paying £470 a month on a low income which is plenty considering ExW is receiving child benefit and tax credits and only works part-time. If she wants more money she should work full-time.

his ex has never thanked or acknowledged anything extra he provides and he provides a lot on a weekly basis on top of the maintenance.

I bet you thank him everytime he goes to the grocery store for buying food for your children too. I know I'm always thanking dh for contributing to the wellbeing of his own children. The star

OP YOU can do the calculation NOW on the .gov site that another pp has posted. Just type in his income (before tax, after pensions) and the amount of nights the girls stay usually.

My ex contributes NOTHING above the CMS minimum. I do my best.

YOU are being obstructive on your own thread by not providing the basic info - or at least putting it into the calculator to see if YABU or not.

They are his kids. If he can afford to contribute more, then morally he should.

I think the amount is fair.

Those saying it costs more than that to raise teens, let’s assume the wife is only matching his contribution, that’s a £100 per week per child. Plus she’ll definitely get child benefit of around £35 a week so it’s £235 a week for two teens. Then possibly tax credits too. I can definitely feed, clothe and shoe 2 kids for £940 a month.

Paying for their home is always a moot point for me, as the ex wife would have to pay for her own place to live anyway, and often the NRP has to pay for a house big enough for them to visit so I always feel that’s neutral.

So it sounds like a reasonable contribution to me, especially if he’s definitely buying all those extras too.

Fwiw, 2 dcs eating at school at £3 per meal (about the average but could be more at our school) is £30 per week.....
£40 is Just touching it.

If he is supposed to pay £40 because his income is that low, then why in earth is he paying for phone on contract for them??? That is a luxury if you are struggling to pay for lunch at school.
I would say he needs to put his priorities right there and stop playing Disney dad that pays for all the things um doesn’t want to buy (but can’t afford and nor could he if he was the RP)

CM isn’t calculated according The the working tax credit you get!!
Working tax credit and child benefit is about supporting parents who are on lower income. It’s not there to compensate for the lack of involvement t of a father.

Simple, take the phones away from the girls and pay the mum the additional £40.00

Hi, Sorry but i don't £400 for two teenage girls, per month is very much. I would bet that the mothers outgoings on Rent/mortgage, elec, gas, water, council tax, etc come to more than £800 per month, before food, clothes, school trips, school dinners, shoes, petrol/bus fares, any clubs the girls do etc etc. We are a family of 5 (3 children6 and under) and our food bill comes to well over £100 per week, so i don't think £400 a month for everything is very much. I would hope that the father happily contributes towards all the extra things so that the girls don't feel that they are missing out too much. If the mother is living on £800 per month she is a miracle worker in my eyes!

The comments about the cost of raising teens being more than £400 a month are not helpful, assuming OPs DH is paying at least the CM assessment figure, plus extras. We all have to live within our means!

I have a decent job, as does my DH. I receive around £38/w in maintenance for one of my DCs. The lifestyle and activities we can afford have to fit within our budget; we cannot afford to spend £200/m+ on activities! £400 per month could potentially be a massive proportion of the salary in this case so if he cannot afford to pay more he cannot afford it (assuming he’s meeting the CM calculation). OP and her family are entitled to a reasonable standard of living too. However if he can afford to pay more to allow his DDs more opportunities without it negatively affecting the rest of the family then, morally, he should.

ghostly if your ex and his partner are married , there is no his money and her money.

If my husband was hiding things, aka lying to me like this, it would sign then End of our marriage because of the level of disrespect.

"She was in Milan last month and just returned home from a week away this weekend and now he has this message. He has said he won’t pay her anything else ( hasn’t told her yet ) but I’m thinking there’s a small chance he might."

"She works and receives working tax credits as part time and also child benefit."

---

"£100 a week isn't a huge amount to support two teens, that isn't half of all their expenses that mum is paying."

Mum isn't paying for them though.

1. 16 hours on NMW = £6514 (this is the minimum, she could be earning more than this, but the net outcome is mor emoney)
2. £3970 WTC, £6105 child tax credits minus (£6514-6420 withdrawal threshold * 41%) = £10,036.46 net tax credits
3. £1788.80 child benefit
4. £4800 from the father

Total: £23,139.26 MINIMUM to cover food, bills, etc.

That's £1928/month of which:

£400/month from father
£543/month from mother
£985/month from benefits

Which is clearly plenty of money, as it's obviously £400/month MORE than she would have if she was still living with the X, and £400/month more than, say, a single mother with no maintenance would be expected to live on.

Not only that, at £445/week, it's above the UK median weekly household income (inclusive of benefits) after tax and housing costs in the UK as a whole (which is £417/week)

Bills, rent, food, activities, is more than £50 a week per child

See this a lot on these threads and it always makes me wonder - is maintenance supposed to cover the RP's rent and bills? Surely the RP would have to have rent/bills to pay whether or not they have kids (appreciate with younger kids there will be complications around childcare/work but that's not the case here with teenagers), and the NRP will also have their own rent/bills so the kids have somewhere to stay when they are with them? I though CM was purely for the kids - contribution to food, activities, clothes etc? Not being goady - genuine question.

If it's purely for the children then £50 a week per child isn't unreasonable. Not everyone is earning £40k a year and have lots of money spare. Or they may also have other children to pay for. I'd say CMS plus the extras mentioned, plus I assume he pays for food/activities when they are with him - it's pretty fair.

Tambien they aren't

Howpful I agree.
Which is why the comments abiut the ex just being stingy are out of order.
And so is the comment about not giving them a phone etc... if she can’t afford it, she can’t.
If the OP’s DH can afford to pay for two contract every month, then he can but then he can’t then be angry at his ex for not doing it herself or for asking for more money when he clearly has much more disposable income than she has.

I agree, if money is that tight, then it would be better to give the money spent each month on the phone as CM (but then he wouldn’t be able to play Disney dad/good dad game against the stingy ex)

If he is paying what he should and buying things on top then yanbu.
I'm not sure why she should thank him for buying his kids shoes though

You state that they stay with you during all school holidays, and eat dinner with you on weekdays as well, so the ex wife doesn't have to provide a main meal during the week, and is without them at all for approx 13 weeks a year? (Presumably they stay the odd weekend with you too?) If he is a low earner then his contribution may be fair, however if he is paying all those additional costs it may be worth upping the money somewhat, but then stating that the considerable amount he pays on top of the maintenance will not now be provided.

Is there a reason that she cannot work full time? The girls are with you until after dinner during the week, and all school holidays, so there wouldn't be a childcare issue, although obviously we know nothing about her circumstances, whether she has other children etc.

You can do a CMS calculator online. Input your DP’s PRE TAX earnings and see how much he is expected to pay.

I get half what your DP pays for three DC, it is not enough. £400 a month is not enough for two teens in all honesty but if it is all he can afford from his salary then fair enough, nothing else can be done.

Caitlin your calcations are wrong.
Yes she has more than a single mother who doesn’t receive CM. But then do you really want to take that as the basis of what is OK???

If she was still living with the ex, his income wouod come. And she would not be with £400 LESS because his income (the other 80% of it) would come into it. And also because she wouldn’t get the whole responsibility for paying for food etc... and nor wouod they need to pay for two houses.
So no, she doesn’t have £400 more than if she was living with the ex. She is NOT RICHER by being single mum than living with her ex (otherwise, you wonder why people would bother to stay together really)

but then he wouldn’t be able to play Disney dad/good dad game against the stingy ex

How is he a Disney Dad?

Also the cost of school lunches has came up a few time - if the mum is on a low income (working part time I guess she will be) then most councils will provide school meals for free. I take a packed lunch (and always did when I was at school) and it's literally around £1 a day. Paying for school dinners or handing you kids cash everyday (there are kids in my school who are given £5 every day??) is a choice you make but it's not necessary.

One shudders at the thought of how much benefits the UK pays to "part time" workers.

My colleague on the next desk to me works 3 days a week, basically, she's paid by the government for a 5 day week.

She openly admits she loves only working for 3 days but getting essentially 5 days pay.

It's people like me who pay for it.