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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fuming with XH after taking out DS to a posh long lunch the day before GCSEs

235 replies

Bouledeneige · 03/06/2018 23:29

Just that really, DS has 8 GCSEs exams this week and three tomorrow. Staying at his Dad's this weekend who decides to take him and his sister and the new girlfriend and her kids to a really famous posh London restaurant - out at midday home 4.30pm. (A man not known for his generosity!.....)

What is he thinking? Its just seems really unfair to my son. DS wouldn't have enjoyed it that much, he's quite shy and socially awkward but clearly had no say in the matter. DD who is doing A levels went too. DS refused to do any further work when he came home to mine because his Dad made him get up early to do some.

I'm fuming.

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 04/06/2018 09:37

Your son sounds a bit lazy whyare you blaming his dad for tryin g to motivate him what are you really fuming about ? Your son studies you are fumming, your son goes out for lunch you are fuming, your son is left to study for a weekend you are fuming, he comes home from studying and eating he won't study you are fuming

TheVanguardSix · 04/06/2018 09:44

YAB very U, OP.

My DS has GCSEs all week. So I understand your angst. However...

They're done, OP! All the studying, it's done, they're done. An eleventh hour cram won't make a bit of difference. They've done all they can. They're either prepared or they're not. It is what it is.

I can't imagine why your DS would not enjoy a beautiful, long lunch in a great restaurant with his dad (pretty important person in his life, right?). Sounds wonderful! A good, calm start to a long, intense week. I think it's great that his dad did this.

And your DS is hardly out with strangers! It's his dad... oh and the new GF and kids ('the strangers') who are probably perfectly nice people who've been looking forward to meeting your wonderful kids.

Check yourself, OP.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/06/2018 09:44

The exams are over in two weeks time, why could'nt his Dad have treated him to lunch then?

The Dad was told in advance that it was the day before a full week of exams, I can understand by OP is annoyed by this. Her boy 16, socially awkward and anxious. Perhaps he did'nt feel comfortable refusing to go when his Dad was insisting on his presence.
Maybe the Dad is the type who won't take no for an answer if he's decided on something. He didn't listen to OP afterall.

If the boy had to get ready for a posh lunch up in town which started at 12 on a Sunday, its unlikely he got more than 2 hours to revise before that at most. When my DC does revision, it takes a while to get his head really into it, so that it is effective, knowing you've got to stop at a certain time and go out can be distracting.
We turned down a proposed family lunch on the same day for the same reason. Our DC still has 12 papers to sit in the next 10 weekdays. Its a real challenge. They understood that this was an important time and the lunch could wait two weeks. As for worrying about a resturant booking.. that's not the boy's problem.

It doesn't matter whether DC should have done more revision earlier or not. He had one day left before really important exams and the Dad should have been more considerate. All the arguments about relaxing and over working etc just don't wash - it's personal to each pupil what they feel they need to do/not do the day before two full weeks of public exams and they should be allowed to do it without interruption - whether its relaxing or doing a bit of last minute preparation.

TheVanguardSix · 04/06/2018 09:46

DS refused to do any further work when he came home to mine because his Dad made him get up early to do some.

That's good!!!

Stop fuming. It's no good for you, OP.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 04/06/2018 09:51

Dungeon her DH did make him revise though. And the OP has been taking him out to relax even though she knows he hasn’t been doing revision.

The fault here lies with the DS. But if the OP insists on blaming her ex she might also need to look at what she’s allowed her DS to get away with.

4hrs on the day before the exam almost certainly isn’t going to be the reason he fails his GCSEs.

Snowysky20009 · 04/06/2018 09:51

My ds has 3 A-level exams this week (he's taking 4 a-levels and a b-tec). He went out with his friends last night, and they had a drink (the first time ever) for one of the boys birthdays. Why did all us parents allow it? Because they needed some down time from the revision. They've been revising all half term, plus for however many months it seems. A break and letting their hair down, will be better for them all. Today, they are all back at the revising already.

mumeeee · 04/06/2018 09:58

YABU. When our DDs were doing exams they were given the advice by school and college. Not to do lots of revising on the day before the exams. But to relax and do something nice.
It sounds like you XH has the right ideas

Footballmumofthefuture · 04/06/2018 10:03

Are you jealous? I'm really struggling to understand this post.

HoneyBadger32 · 04/06/2018 10:04

Good luck for your DS, hopefully he does ok. I think you need to get over it now, if you haven't already. I think it's possible that you being stressy about the whole affair might make it worse than it actually is. He sounds quite laid back when it comes to exams, so whilst it's possible he would have preferred a mcdonalds, it doesn't seem like going out for the afternoon in and of itself is a problem for him. Even if he's not big on social occasions, I don't really honestly think a couple of hours of enforced socialising will hurt his exams.

Dungeondragon15 · 04/06/2018 10:15

Dungeon her DH did make him revise though. And the OP has been taking him out to relax even though she knows he hasn’t been doing revision.

He didn't make him revise for long though. I agree that OP is hypocritical though if she has been taking him out even though she knows he hasn't revised.

4hrs on the day before the exam almost certainly isn’t going to be the reason he fails his GCSEs.

It could make all the difference,depending on the person. He could easily gain a few more marks in exams by doing plenty of revision the day before.

Dungeondragon15 · 04/06/2018 10:18

YABU. When our DDs were doing exams they were given the advice by school and college. Not to do lots of revising on the day before the exams.

I think that the schools/colleges your children are very misguided to give that advice to everyone. I don't think my DDs received similar advice. It very much depends on the person. Some people will do much better if they do a lot of revision the day before.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 04/06/2018 10:40

@Duckbilledsplatterpuff So it is wrong of Dad to make DS revise in the morning then take him out to lunch, but perfectly ok for OP to take him out for Dim Sum, Crazy Golf, MacDonalds and let him spend 4days on his ps4 instead of doing any revision.?

Irksomeness · 04/06/2018 11:15

Im amazed that people think it’s bad to revise the day before an exam. The OPs son will have a lot of exams are people really thinking he shouldn’t bother doing anything the day before each exam. That would be a lot of down time.

The day before an exam is probably too late to start to learn new things but I think it’s good time to have a quick look over your work especially thing like definitions etc.

Also surely it’s better if you are going to have downtime to do something you enjoy and that you find relaxing.

The reason I agree with the OP is that when her son had down time with her it was HIS CHOICE and he chose what he wanted to do. The problem with the fancy meal is that it wasn’t is choice and he didn’t want to do it! I’m suprised other posters don’t see the difference.

MrsJayy · 04/06/2018 11:21

So we have to pander to revising teens now indulge their whims? The boy went for bloody lunch with his dad his gf and sister hardly a bind jeezo.

Irksomeness · 04/06/2018 11:26

MrsJayy. I was happy to ‘pander’ to my kids during their exams. I even let them off their chores. 🤷🏻‍♀️

BiscuitsRule · 04/06/2018 11:28

Stop being so ridiculous.
Its not the GCSEs and revising really is it? its more the fact they sound like a nice little family (ex dh and new gf plus your kids) going to posh restaurant for dinner that's pissing you off isn't it? we get that. Just be honest with it and people will make all the right sounds/vent along with you etc and encourage you, but don't pretend its about the boy and his GCSEs.

MrsJayy · 04/06/2018 11:34

This was a family day out though he had dimsum mcdonalds ps4 days that the op was fine about a family lunch and she is fuming, this is about the dad really not exams.

Unsurehere · 04/06/2018 11:44

I did ten hours of revision the day before on of my exams, got up early and crammed to hell and back. I got the highest grade where previously I’d failed mocks and this was the only revision I did for this exam. Cramming can be useful for some.

Tbh I wouldn’t have enjoyed this lunch. I’d have been on edge, thinking I could be revising at home. Even if it is the day before, you can still cover a lot.

If your son would have revised instead, when he had been out for lunch, YANBU. Exams are stressful and teenagers should be able to choose what the want to do around this time. If he genuinely didn’t want to go, he shouldn’t have had had too.

I feel sorry for him if he was sat there, anxious and wanting to be at home doing work instead.

Unsurehere · 04/06/2018 11:45

However YABU if your boy wouldn’t have revised if he had been allowed to stay at home.

Bluelady · 04/06/2018 11:46

The clue to the problem's in the title: "long lunch, posh restaurant". Four hours start to finish is pretty standard. The "poshness" or otherwise is irrelevant. A touch green eyed here?

Eight pages in we still don't know if the kid enjoyed it or not, just OP's insistence that he wouldn't have.

The pressure people pit on kids around exams these days is ridiculous. A few years ago I remember telling a friend to back off, she was making her kids hate her because she was on top of them all the time. You can always retake an exam.

mostdays · 04/06/2018 11:52

I was drunk on the Friday and Saturday nights the weekend before my GCSEs started and worked most of the Sunday, and I did well.

The weekend before my A Levels began, I worked in a pub till 11.30pm Saturday night, went to a house party and took speed, did not (obviously) sleep, went back to work from 10.30am- 3.30pm on Sunday, went home, went to bed around 9pm. Had exams 9am-midday and 1pm- 4pm on the Monday.

Your DS went for lunch. He wasn't puking drunk or off his tits on illegal drugs or anything, he didn't miss an entire night's sleep, he had done some revision earlier in the day... he will be fine. Stop stressing. Don't be That Parent and hassle him about more last minute revision throughout the exam period, either- it is very unhelpful indeed!

siwel123 · 04/06/2018 11:58

Yes OP takes her kid out multiple times and would let him not revise for 4 days.
However dad takes him out for 4 hours and he is the worst parent ever and ruined their sons future .
Op I think you're jealous and trying to shift the blame onto your ex rather then release you let your son coast this half term.

jamoncrumpets · 04/06/2018 12:02

I would've really enjoyed that treat and it wouldn't helped take my mind off some of the stress. Honestly, if the knowledge they need is not in their heads the day before the actual exam it's not going to miraculously appear overnight. And if they must cram there's still plenty of time after the lovely meal. I speak as a teacher with over ten years of experience.

mumeeee · 04/06/2018 12:03

Sorry posted by mistake

jamoncrumpets · 04/06/2018 12:04

*wouldve

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