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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with XH after taking out DS to a posh long lunch the day before GCSEs

235 replies

Bouledeneige · 03/06/2018 23:29

Just that really, DS has 8 GCSEs exams this week and three tomorrow. Staying at his Dad's this weekend who decides to take him and his sister and the new girlfriend and her kids to a really famous posh London restaurant - out at midday home 4.30pm. (A man not known for his generosity!.....)

What is he thinking? Its just seems really unfair to my son. DS wouldn't have enjoyed it that much, he's quite shy and socially awkward but clearly had no say in the matter. DD who is doing A levels went too. DS refused to do any further work when he came home to mine because his Dad made him get up early to do some.

I'm fuming.

OP posts:
Rachie1973 · 04/06/2018 07:44

Not statistics.... economics. I have exam timetable mind fog

SweetCheeks1980 · 04/06/2018 07:44

Jesus Christ it's GCSE's not the end of the world! It's parent's like you that cause children to have such high anxiety and other mental health issues. Only 3 hours? Give the kid a break.

This^^

Whatshallidonowpeople · 04/06/2018 07:45

Jealous much? He could have revised from 4:30 If he wanted to

londonrach · 04/06/2018 07:45

Yabu. Sounds perfect way to spend the day. The revision should have been done by now so great idea to take ds mind off the exams

SD1978 · 04/06/2018 07:46

I’m sorry- but in the run up, a time when he could have revised without trying to cram his head with info at the last minute, you let him have four days playing play station, a trip to China town, golf, Mac Donald’s and whatever else. Your EX takes him on a family meal, which you don’t think he’d like, to a place he wouldn’t like........so is it all about what and where he likes? It’s called a compromise, and time with your family. He doesn’t get to decide where everyone goes and for what at his Dads, which seems to be the premise of what you’ve said he can do at yours. Maybe an extra 4 hours cram would have made a huge difference. But it didn’t whilst he played play startion or are dim sims with you. I’m glad you didn’t say anything and had your moment on MN- purely from what you e written, I think your argument would have been a bit hard to justify. Best of luck to your son. I hope he does ok. That’s a pretty full on schedule he has.

NSEA · 04/06/2018 07:46

The issue here is that ypur ds left revision to the last minute. Not that his father treated him to a nice say out. Restaurants like that are not booked the day before so I find it likely your children knew about it way in advance. Your children should be old enough to manage their time and revise early - don’t criticise a father because he doesn’t allow them to leave everything to the last minute.

user1471426142 · 04/06/2018 07:46

Different things work for different people. Cramming was always very important for me and has served me well at all levels of education and in work as well. If I have the pressure of a deadline I work like a machine and get huge amounts done. For anything linked to memory I would have always needed time the day before to learn and refresh.

I recognise though that for some people, a break and time to relax would be what suits them. It always amazes me on mumsnet how many people can’t see past their own experience and think their way is the only way. I would imagine the OP knows her son and what would work best for him.

SimonTheIceKing · 04/06/2018 07:48

I feel like his dad can't do right here. He has got him up early to revise then taken him out for the afternoon. Your son could also have revised in the evening by the sounds of it but didn't want to and you didn't force him. You didn't force him so why should his dad have forced him to revise all afternoon as well?

You also mention that

Last time he went to his Dads he was very depressed when i picked him up because his Dad went out all day Saturday and Sunday and left him in the flat alone to revise. He was pretty miserable.

So when he was left time and space to revise last time it made him "very depressed" so this time his dad did things differently.

I genuinely don't understand the issue?

DuchessofManchester · 04/06/2018 07:51

If he'd taken him out for a late dinner, onto a nightclub and got him spectacularly drunk then yes I could understand but it's lunch with his dad!
If you were that bothered maybe you should have got him to revise when he was with you.

derxa · 04/06/2018 07:58

Different people have different exam strategies. I wouldn't have wanted to go to a meal out on the day before an exam. It stresses me out even thinking about it and my school exams were 40 years ago. Having to go to the meal would be stressy and the evening would be spent destressing. I understand OP.

skippy67 · 04/06/2018 08:01

So, your ex made him get up early to revise, trying to make sure he got some done prior to going out for the day? So why are you "fuming"? You're just annoyed that your ex has got a new girlfriend. Also your comment about him not being known for his generosity is quite telling.

Echobelly · 04/06/2018 08:07

I think there is a lot to be said for relaxing rather than cramming before the exam - late revision tends to just end up being staring at the page with nothing going in, so having some leisure/relaxation before exams can be a better choice.

I expect XH meant well, but maybe he understands DS less well than you do.

The day before my university finals I went to London for my sister's birthday bbq in the afternoon, and it was a really good thing for me.

Dungeondragon15 · 04/06/2018 08:11

I think there is a lot to be said for relaxing rather than cramming before the exam - late revision tends to just end up being staring at the page with nothing going in, so having some leisure/relaxation before exams can be a better choice.

Maybe for you but certainly not for me or many other people. For me the way to "de-stress" would be to do some more revision so that I could feel more confident. The fact that the exam was the next day would really concentrate my mind. Being prevented from revising by an enforced meal out in a restaurant would have caused me serious stress.

CaitlynsCat · 04/06/2018 08:15

LOL:

"DS refused to do any further work when he came home to mine because his Dad made him get up early to do some.

I'm fuming."

So he did work in the morning and you wanted him to do more work but he refused and this is his Dad's fault.

Epic YABU fail.

Hahaha.

NewDOOFUSfor18 · 04/06/2018 08:15

To summarise....
You allowed ds to cram 4 days of ps4 during half term and no revision but you were ok with that, exh took both your dc for lunch for almost 5 hours yesterday and you're losing your head? How very hypocritical.
You say ds wouldn't have enjoyed it yet haven't said what ds has actually said (I suspect that's because he hasn't said that at all but it doesn't fit with what you think so you've omitted it)
Is that about the long and short of it?

Revision is a personal thing, people find what works for them. I'm nearing the end of my 2nd year of a 3 year degree and have had several exams these past 2 weeks. I have been systematic with revision, we were provided with revision sheets for each system (pathophysiology and pharmocology) however I only did one system per day (which could take 4 hours, or it could take 2 hours) as any more would just merge into one. My uni also emailed the cohort 2 days before the exams telling us to stop revising and have some downtime (that's paraphrased, the actual email was far more patronising but it's not important). Anyway...I decided to cram the morning of my exam, thinking it would really help....the last thing I looked at and read before the room opened was the first question on the paper. I went blank, couldn't remember a bloody thing, and wrote the bare minimum. I was convinced I failed because of that, spent the last 2 weeks waking at 3am to do post exam analysis (not like me at all) and generally got in a mess. Thank God I got my result on Friday and I passed.

What I'm saying is that cramming is not always a good thing and can actually have the opposite effect, especially immediately following the exam.

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2018 08:25

I think you're letting your feelings for your ex cloud your judgement here.

The non revision issue should have been dealt with in advance, not the day before. Going out for lunch is fine. Study isn't a punishment that kids are forced to do. If your son struggles and plays PlayStation instead of revising, then deal with it over a longer period.

In addition he has two parents. You have no more rights than his father. He made a judgement call and took them out to lunch. That's fine, you don't get to dictate what they do.

Back off, support your child, and don't just look for reasons to attack your ex. It helps no one.

Gabilan · 04/06/2018 08:38

He is not a great reviser - a big procrastinator and hasn't really worked that hard. He took at least 4 days off for half term - mainly doing PS4 and struggled to bother till Thursday/Friday to do any work. He could have done with some concentrated time over the weekend to cram and memorise

As PP have said, revision strategies are personal, to a degree. We learn in different ways and what works for one person might not be so good for another. Part of doing mock exams is actually to work out what revision methods work for you. Cramming will only work if you have a very good memory for last-minute information and it's the kind of subject that requires factual recall rather than an in-depth understanding.

He may feel like last-minute works for him as he may need that level of panicked motivation, but that doesn't mean it does work for him. Your problem, unfortunately, started way further back than the 5 hours over lunch yesterday.

Personally I'd leave kids alone to make their own choices the day before an exam but that's if they're mature enough to either to knuckle down and do something or to relax. It sounds more like your DS is likely to procrastinate and then panic that he's not done anything.

If nothing else, it's a handy life lesson. Don't leave things until the last minute, because someone else is likely to expect you to do something else during those last minutes. Knowing this has prepared me wonderfully for the workplace and assorted managers who have no concept of time management.

HarveySchlumpfenburger · 04/06/2018 08:43

The being stressed out by taking time out to relax argument does sort of fall down with the refusal to do any revision when he got back at 4.30.

I think you might be fuming at the wrong person tbh.

TacoLover · 04/06/2018 08:43

YABU.
You are mad that your XH took him out for 4 hours yet you let him not revise for 4 DAYS and took him out for activities. Your XH also woke him up to do some work in the morning. Why did you not make him do some work when he came home? You are mad when he takes him out, mad when he stays at home and revises. Poor dad can't can't win can he?

Irksomeness · 04/06/2018 08:48

I understand why people are disagreeing with the OP but I don't understand why so many posters feel the need be so nasty and sneering about it. It's as though they are desperate to try and say the most cutting and spiteful thing possible.

It's really pathetic.

Mousefunky · 04/06/2018 09:16

I did very little revision before my English GCSE exams and still walked away with an A*. Cramming it all in the day before is stressful and ineffective. Your exh did the right thing, completely don’t understand why you are peed off.

Racecardriver · 04/06/2018 09:19

You should never study the day before an exam.

Dungeondragon15 · 04/06/2018 09:20

I agree that people aren't being nice to OP. It is impossible to make a 16 year old revise if they don't want to and perhaps she feels that she has been trying to encourage revision whereas her DH is actively doing the opposite. I suppose it depends on whether he would know that the DS hadn't done much revision to date. Even if he did know though he couldn't really not take the DS to lunch considering the table would have been booked a long time in advance.

Dungeondragon15 · 04/06/2018 09:20

You should never study the day before an exam.

You must be joking. What rubbish!

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/06/2018 09:27

Surely if your ds wasn’t happy about going out and wanted to revise more, he could either have stayed behind or called you to pick him up.

He is 16 and was making time management choices for himself. It doesn’t sound as if he made good ones when he was with you in the week.

I think your anger is about your feelings toward your ex. Your ex got him to put some good studying in first thing so he did support your ds.