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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have ruined brother’s engagement

999 replies

Illuminati12 · 03/06/2018 17:41

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

OP posts:
LipstickHandbagCoffee · 03/06/2018 18:29

You were repeatedly asked on this occasion to not bring his kids.you ignored it
Given it was a significant surprise announcement they couldn’t elaborate
And unfortunately you piled on in regardless

BUT your sil is overreacting threatening to cancel wedding.its a bit princessy
But I can understand sil wanted a close circle of family at their engagement party

JammyGem · 03/06/2018 18:29

I cannot understand why you thought it would be OK for you to turn up with the kids in tow. And from her reaction and the insistence beforehand that you don't bring them, it's clearly not the first time you be tried to make everything about you.

You need to sincerely apologise, then leave them alone. If you're not invited to the wedding you need to accept that. And I really hope you apologised to DP and his daughters as well - how horrible for them.

Gemini69 · 03/06/2018 18:29

YABVU

1. You text SIL repeatedly insisting on bringing your DP and kids. SIL telling you once was enough, you should of respected that.

2. You then text your DB despite SIL saying no.

3. You involved your mother.

4. You still bloody turned up with complete strangers!

I'd be fuming with you too and wouldn't be inviting you to things in the future.

This

Bluntness100 · 03/06/2018 18:30

I feel sorry for the kids. Being dragged along to someplace they clearly aren't invited. What an embarrassing position to put them all in.

The fact rhe mother knew about the texts and the op didn't go to the meal shows rhe op was causing everyone a problem beforehand. To them just bring them anyway is mind boggling. I suspect her just turning up was the straw that broke the camels back for the girlfriend and she's had enough.

If I'd have been rhe girlfriend I'd have made the boyfriend and his partner feel welcome. Given them a drink then I'd have told the op quietly on one side to get the fuck out my house when they had done and not to come back.

LavenderDoll · 03/06/2018 18:30

Doesn't matter if the girls are lovely I or not they weren't invited
You miss the meal and then turn up late with people who you were told not to bring
You are bang out of order

findingmyfeet12 · 03/06/2018 18:30

ILostIt I totally agree with you.

Once the damage had been done, if op's family couldn't find it in themselves to be accommodating for the sake of the girls then they're not much better than the OP.

There was plenty of time for tears and recriminations once the girls were out of sight.

diddl · 03/06/2018 18:30

Bloody hell Op!

Brother's then GF said no, brother said no, mum said no & you still turned up with everyone who wasn't invited!

Way to make it all about you.

Quartz2208 · 03/06/2018 18:30

Surely though the fact that she refused to go to the meal speaks volumes

She tried to make their event all about her and did not take the hints

gamerchick · 03/06/2018 18:30

OP - what are you hoping to get from this post

First and only post? usually a hand grenade Grin

Bluntness100 · 03/06/2018 18:30

Boyfriend and kids feel welcome!

theredjellybean · 03/06/2018 18:31

@headdownthumbsup...

i meant her DB should have quietly told her they wanted it kept family only as he was proposing/announcing engagement

and Op says the girls and DP had met the family before, had been to her mother's and her sister's .

if i was invited to a family lunch and DP of 18 months was not included i'd be pretty upset too

Nikephorus · 03/06/2018 18:31

Totally agree with this. She sounds precious and rude. Then you should have just left them to it but I bet she is loving the attention and drama now.
Or alternatively - announcing their engagement to their close family (of which OP's DP & kids aren't currently considered a part) was a really big deal to them and despite having told OP multiple times that only she was invited she turned up with them anyway (and is now being a drama queen being sick & in floods of tears) a millisecond after they'd made the announcement so that instead of the focus being rightly on the happy couple it was on OP & her uninvited posse.
I'd be pissed off at OP for that and I don't do big announcements and having any attention on me.
Their engagement can't be announced again, that was it, their important moment bollocksed. And you've ruined it because you refused to listen.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/06/2018 18:32

Ruffian

This event was for family and spouses that the couple knew. The OP has not been with this man long nor by the sound of it has he been a regular visitor to family events.

And the OP was told no, that should be enough for her not to drag people round to events where they are not invited.

Lookingforspace · 03/06/2018 18:33

Has the CF OP come back?

magoria · 03/06/2018 18:33

Do you have form for going to your mother and for her trying to get your brother to do what you want?

I would be bloody wary about marrying your brother if this is the set up in your family.

Are you going to try and run rough shod over everything else they ever try and plan if it isn't what you want and decide you are entitled to?

DragonMummy1418 · 03/06/2018 18:33

You were VERY unreasonable for taking the children to the party when you were explicitly told NO... you do understand the word no don't you? Hmm

Your future SIL was understandably upset BUT she probably is talking in anger, I do imagine things will calm down.

You will probably have to grovel a bit to your brother and his fiancé.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 03/06/2018 18:33

i meant her DB should have quietly told her they wanted it kept family only as he was proposing/announcing engagement

Why should he spoil the surprise. Surely no means no and no 3 times is clearly a big fat no with bells on she's a grown adult who understands what no means why does she then need an explanation on top of that?

sonjadog · 03/06/2018 18:33

You have behaved very badly and are now reaping what you have sown. Your sil may not want to have much contact with you in the future, or she may get over it and forgive you, time will tell. What I suggest you do now is send her some flowers and a card and your sincerest apologies and then leave it there. What you also need to do is reassess your own behaviour in future so that you don´t ever behave this way again.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/06/2018 18:33

So much drama all round. Are you and your family and sil2b usually like this?

TrippingTheVelvet · 03/06/2018 18:34

I would've went mad too if you did that. Hopefully a sincere apology and a bit of distance will remedy the situation.

Gazelda · 03/06/2018 18:35

OP, a heartfelt message in a 'congratulations on your engagement'. Flowers. Then leave it alone. Don't dissect the situation with your Mum. Don't create even more drama.

Leave it at least 10 days to let emotions cool down.

Apologise to your DP and his girls.

And if you do end up getting invited to the wedding, for God's sake don't wear white!

billybagpuss · 03/06/2018 18:35

OP did you tell them that you wouldn't be there for the meal?

I read it that DB was unable to accommodate you all for the meal as they hadn't done that level of entertaining before so OP therefore decided to just pop in later and say hi, with hindsight unreasonable but in my family that would have been fine, the reaction from the GF is frankly just weird, when I got engaged I was so happy I didn't care who knew (apologies to the entire island of Zante 26 years ago) and if 'she won't marry your brother if you're there' how much does she truly care about your brother?

findingmyfeet12 · 03/06/2018 18:36

It's weird to pop in after a meal that you've not been invited to but everyone else is there!

Glumglowworm · 03/06/2018 18:37

YABVU

you were very rude to keep pushing for people the hosts didn’t know to be invited, to throw a tantrum when the answer was no, to keep asking different people, to throw a strop and refuse to go at all when they didn’t bow to your demands, and then to do what you wanted anyway and turn up after all with three uninvited people after saying you weren’t coming (suspect it wasn’t a gracious “no thanks” either).

Your SIL sounds a lot like you tbh. Over dramatic and self involved. But then if you have form for cheeky fuckery, maybe she’s justified.

Vomiting (ffs!) and all the crying afterwards is still making it all about you. You fucked up. Be a grown up and accept that. Apologise profusely to everyone involved (the poor teenagers, DB, DSIL, parents etc), learn that no means no, the world doesn’t revolve around you, and never ever act like this again.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/06/2018 18:37

theredjellybean

i meant her DB should have quietly told her they wanted it kept family only as he was proposing/announcing engagement

Given that the OP has made this all about her, I wonder if the DB realised that she couldn't keep the secret.

But more importantly. Why should he have to tell her?

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