To have ruined brother’s engagement

[Illuminati12]

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

The difference being Devilish you didn't mind gatecrashers at your wedding, your choice to make. This couple wanted their choice to be respected....

You all sound quite odd!

I think SIL sounds the oddest of all though. Brother and SIL sound very ‘look at me’ to have an event to ‘announce’ their engagement. Yuck. Then rude not to invite your partner.

Yes, you probably should not have turned up. That was wrong of you.

But then to run off sobbing?! Sounds like a toddler. And threatening to not marry your brother if you are invited is just crazy, control freak behaviour.

How do people like this survive in the world when something actually bad happens?

But they weren’t invited to the lunch redogs. And they didn’t go. She didn’t know there was something else coming afterwards. Yes she should had texted but she had no idea she was walking into future birdezilla’s first moment (I’m sure there will be many more).

I’m with binky. How do people like this cope with actual problems?

Omg!

The only thing that would’ve capped this was if it had ended, as my mind was taking me, to the OP’s DP being a former boyfriend of the bride of best friend of his exDW.

You can only offer an unequivocal apology now OP, also to your DP and both his girls. I bet their Mother won’t be thrilled either.

Cock up all round really.

The SIL does need to chil out a bit though or the wedding will undo her nerves completely.

"DB/SIL followed the textbook in saying 'no' repeatedly, consistently and clearly. OP somehow took this to mean 'yes'.

SIL - whose reaction we have OP's filtered view of - is not prepared to put up with CF-ery- and and is so going low/no contact. Which means everything, including the wedding.

I'm ready to bet good money that there have been several/many more instances of CF-ery, which OP has been to self-centred to realise. And this episode just puts the tin lid on it - OP cannot be relied on to understand even a simple message that 'no' means 'no'

And they've had enough."

Yup, this sounds completely plausible.

If you have ever had any type of relationship with someone who just ignores what you say, you would realise that it is not what they do that is the problem, but just the fact that they have totally ignored you. Because that means that you are invisible to them and always will be.

You shouldn't have taken people that weren't invited. However...crying and saying she won't marry your brother is pathetic! I'd apologise nicely maybe even with an engagement gift. But don't grovel. 1 apology is sufficient and if they want to carry it on, then it's their loss and you will be the bigger person.

" I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed."

Devilish, OP did know that the event was continuing in the afternoon - she says so in her OP. Yet she still arrived with the explicitly uninvited guests. Seriously, refusing to accept a social invitation because you can't bring who you want, and then turning up anyway, with the people you were clearly told were not invited is just NOT ON.

Wow op your brother and GF sound like real stuck up twits, I mean how long have you been with your DP and he has made no effort to meet him or the girls you are parenting. I think they were out of order inviting you but not them when they know they are part of your life. I would've just stayed away totally but you popped in so what shes a drama queen leave them to it.

You were told, repeatedly, that the invitation didn't extend to your partners children. You then decided to blindside your family and just turn up with them, despite being told no, very clearly. Whilst I think that your sister in law to be may be over reacting a touch (or do you have form for doing what you want, regardless?), they clearly had a special announcement planned and you steamrolled all over it. They have every right to be hurt and annoyed. You need to make a serious apology to them and your partner and his kids for putting them in that position.

I agree it’s not great (especially if she knew her future SIL and brother are prone to hysterics) but I guess she thought popping into the garden, having missed the lunch, wasn’t going to be an issue. Why the hell tbe brother and girlfriend couldn’t have just said ‘we’ve just got engaged, come round and have a lunch with us’ rather than have such an OTT announcement I have no idea.

I’d be stunned if the wedding goes ahead given this much drama over nothing.

Wow op your brother and GF sound like real stuck up twits, I mean how long have you been with your DP and he has made no effort to meet him or the girls you are parenting.
Op only met the girls 6 months ago, and she's not parenting them - she doesn't live with her DP or the girls so they're not family as such.

"I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner"

TBH I'm on your side here. Having a family event where only direct blood relatives can attend and not the partners is really weird and should only be the case with the most solemn of occasions IMO (e.g. viewing a parents' body at a funeral or something like that).

They are still part of her life, she has introduced them to her parents.

You haven't ruined it. Ruining it would have been popping in just before or just as he was making his proposal.

However; you should have called before you popped in. Then he would have been able to head you off again. Has his girlfriend met your partner and girls? I assume from you saying your family had that your brother was included in that.

For whatever reason they did not want your dp and girls there. Be it 6 months isn't long enough time for them to be considered family etc, they didn't have space.

But your brother/mother could have let you know it was a special occasion rather than 'just' a family meal where you were feeling your new family set up was being excluded.

Still, all you can do now is send them a message/card apologising, that you didn't realise it was a special occasion and congratulate them on their engagement. Then leave it.

Everyone here sounds hard work and I think if you take a step back from the crazy, you will feel a lot less slighted in future.

It wasn’t even a proposal mini. It was an announcement that they had become engaged. :eyes rolled so far back I’m dizzy:

There's a few things that don't add up, if they are constantly dropping into each other's houses how come they've barely met the partner and not met the girls? I also wonder just what the op said when she walked in for all we know she shouted surprise look who's here and pointed at the girls. I can well believe that the girlfriend walked off but I wonder if it was in anger and to compose herself. The fact that the partner took his girls out in embarrassment makes me think it was quite significant, I also wonder if the partner even knew they weren't welcome and the op lied to him too.

I think you know what you did was unacceptable and wrong but what has happened has happened so I think you need to apologise to your DB and SIL and hopefully they will forgive you. FWIW your SIL sounds like a right princess.

Please don't be so hard on yourself, we all make mistakes. I really hope things work out for you all.

I don't think it was just a mistake. It was what happened at the end of 2 weeks of calls, texts and upset on the part of the OP. One "No" should have been enough. But it turns out that for the OP not even 4 Nos were sufficient. Her DP's children are not her step children, they are not members of her family and neither her brother, nor his DP had met them and both were clear that this occasion was not the time to do that.

The OP is either used to getting her own way by riding roughshod over the wishes of others (even when it comes to what happens in their own home), or wanted to make a point/get back for the upset they have caused her this past 2 weeks and didn't care about the impact on her boyfriend and his children.

It was very poor form and she was quite unreasonable. If she has any sense the OP will reflect on this and hopefully develop a bit of awareness.

I am giggling at the thought of a neighbour popping their head over the fence asking to borrow some milk right at the special moment. How on earth would the new fiancée have reacted?

I am like the PP who finds all this quite fascinating (and jaw droppingly bizarre). I’m also naughty as I hope OP keeps posting and updates on the bridezila antics as the wedding gets closer.

Sorry OP I know you’re upset but I think this is what the phrase ‘storm in a tea cup’ was invented for.

I am still flabbergasted at how anyone could consider the arrival of a couple of teenage girls into the garden by the side gate could in any way, shape or form ruin an engagement announcement. From the nonsense people are spouting you’d think the OP and her partner had crashed through the fence on a quad bike followed by the two teens cartwheeling naked across the lawn.

“We’re engaged!” Applause, toast, hip hip hooray, tell us the proposal story...etc etc
Newly arrived teens politely join in applause and chat quietly to each other while all eyes on happy couple.

Ten minutes later perhaps a family member breaks off from the engagement chat “oh hello OP, this must be Bethany and Ella-Mae, pleased to meet you girls. Nice weather we’re having eh?”

“I can’t enjoy my engagement announcement I have two TEENAGERS WHO HAVEN’T BEEN INTRODUCED in my garden” said no sane person, ever.

Fast forward a few years and the gender reveal cake moment will be ruined by someone phoning pretending to be from Microsoft windows department. Fiancée will run upstairs weeping..,

I agree Jessie, it is bizarre in the extreme.

@Baroness There are lots of things that don't add up in this story that would all just click together if the OP would fill in the missing pieces of information.

I'm joining Ruffian et al on the comfy sofa!

I think the OP is getting a hard time; she realises she has messed up and is getting very little in the way of constructive advice on how to improve the situation and a lot in the way of abuse.

She was not the only one to not understand the significance of the day; even her mother did not know what was happening, or she would not have tried to intercede with the DB. My interpretation is that OP just thought that it was a family gathering and that there would not be enough seating for a sit down meal for her partner & his kids. Therefore turning up later when everyone is just sitting around chatting wouldn't be a problem.

I do think DB's new DF over-reacted. Why were they making the announcement so long after everyone else arrived? I think it was just bad timing. If the OP had been maybe 15 to 30 minutes later, when everyone had got there initial celebration out of the way, perhaps the fiancé would not have (over) reacted the way she did.

@jessiemcjessie

The OP says the announcement was made a “microsecond” before she rocked up with the explicitly uninvited guests. Of course it disrupted their moment and it is unrealistic to think they could just carry on till 10 mins later before anyone said anything.

I’m not one for public announcements personally but this couple wanted to do one, and that being so I can well understand that in the immediate aftermath when you want your family and friends to be pleased for you and celebrate your engagement (as in the “micro second” after you tell them), you don’t want the moment taken by the arrival of two strangers you had expressly stated you did not want there.

Clearly it was not 10 minutes later that the announcement was interrupted and they have every right to be upset that a special moment for them was adversely affected by OP making it about her.

Turning up with them like that was inexplicable and unforgivable.

But the constructive advice is simple. If someone says no, then leave it. Respect people. They do not have to have a "good" reason for saying no

All the CF threads are there because someone wants what they want and dismisses the reasons given as unimportant. The OP probabaly has form for this - hence the overreaction. I can imagine the GF thinking "Just one thing I asked, just one thing!!!"