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Original poster

To have ruined brother’s engagement

999 replies

Illuminati12 · 03/06/2018 17:41

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

OP posts:
JessieMcJessie · 04/06/2018 14:19

That’s my whole point McTufty [facepalm]. In the context of an engagement announcement being made nobody would even notice the arrival of OP’s partner and his daughters by the side gate.

nolongerblue · 04/06/2018 14:25

Jessie, according to OP everyone did jolly well notice.

And being as she had so obviously refused to go to the dinner as she couldn't invite partner and kids they were probably all thinking, 'WTF! Ooooh, awkward!!''

mirialis · 04/06/2018 14:27

Why were they making the announcement so long after everyone else arrived?

eh? weird thing to focus on. They chose to make their special announcement after the meal - maybe that was always the plan or maybe that's the way the party panned out - but theyt didn't realize they'd have to account for an unannounced visit from the OP with her boyfriend's children that she intended to introduce to everyone for the first time, even when she had been politely, specifically, and then firmly told that the children couldn't be come on this occasion but could "another time".

OP got a hard time because she couldn't see how inappropriate her behaviour was and - if it's really true that the fiance immediately burst into tears at the sight of the OP and ran away - then there IS a whole back story going on that the OP refuses to acknowledge is even a possibility.

Lizzie48 · 04/06/2018 14:32

This thread is very polarised. I agree that the OP was cheeky, but she isn't to blame for ruining the special moment, since she didn't know what was planned. But the reaction from the fiancée was way OTT. She could still have had her moment, the presence of the two teenagers didn't have to be the major issue she turned it into. Definitely a case of making a mountain out of a molehill.

But the OP should apologise, she should definitely have texted in advance, or gone on her own. Her OH's DDs should have been able to spend the weekend with their dad without all the drama.

DioneTheDiabolist · 04/06/2018 14:32

You may not have noticed, but the people there at the time noticed, particularly her mother, her brother and his DF, the hosts of the party who had expressly told her not to bring them.

bettytaghetti · 04/06/2018 14:35

mirialis I was just trying to say that I think it was all down to bad timing. OP probably thought the meal would all be done & dusted and, like I said, clearly no one else on her side of the family had a clue that anything so significant was being announced that day.

Etino · 04/06/2018 14:37

Oh OP, I can imagine doing that. Just completely getting the wrong end of the stick. Nothing major so far, but I’ve said thank you so much and taken things I was being shown Blush and rocked up on Father’s Day as a surprise when my parents were entertaining a recently bereaved (stranger to me) friend.
All you can do now is apologise. Send flowers and a nice note, no excuses or mentioning her drama llama reaction and let’s hope it blows over.
Flowers

nolongerblue · 04/06/2018 14:37

But the reaction from the fiancée was way OTT. She could still have had her moment, the presence of the two teenagers didn't have to be the major issue she turned it into.

Well, not really. The arrival by OP was always going to be an attention grabber as she had made a point of refusing to go to the dinner. If the announcement had just been made then instead of people going, 'Happy couple, we are so pleased for you! etc etc', everyone was instead silent, staring at OP and co and thinking, (as I said above) 'WTF! Awkward'
It's like if you have just announced you are pregnant and before anyone can say 'congratulatoins' someone leaps up and says, 'ME! Talk about ME! Look at me!'
Kinda kills the moment.

bettytaghetti · 04/06/2018 14:40

But it's still not the end of the world is it? To cause a future family rift by making your fiancé chose between you and his sister is a fairly bridezilla response by anyone's standards.

Lizzie48 · 04/06/2018 14:46

That was unfortunate, nolongerblue but the OP thought it was just a family meal. It's definitely not worth having a family feud over it. No one has actually said the OP was justified in turning up like that, but the reaction was very disproportionate. Life really is too short.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 04/06/2018 14:47

To cause a future family rift by making your fiancé chose between you and his sister is a fairly bridezilla response by anyone's standards.

Maybe maybe not, really depends if the op has form and this is the final straw. If this is the final straw following a long list of crossing boundaries then the girlfriend may be well advised to insist on nc, question would be what does the brother think he's the one who would have to choose.

Devilishpyjamas · 04/06/2018 14:47

Well announcing your engagement with a special meal and long drawn out afternoon and big moment is all a bit ‘look at me’. As someone said pages back - is this a thing now?

Devilishpyjamas · 04/06/2018 14:49

Going non contact over this would be a ludicrous over reaction. (And if they do that OP, they’re mad as a box of frogs and you’re better off out of it).

BlueSapp · 04/06/2018 14:50

But it's still not the end of the world is it? To cause a future family rift by making your fiancé chose between you and his sister is a fairly bridezilla response by anyone's standards.

Yes, Imagine what the actual wedding would be like Sad if anybody dared to upset her by like coughing as she walked in or something it would be off!

seven201 · 04/06/2018 14:51

I know you've written an apology letter but I think a big bunch of delivered flowers is in order. You fucked up massively. Having said that it's 'just' an engagement announcement. I think I just rang my siblings and parents. I didn't know announcing it was a thing.

nolongerblue · 04/06/2018 14:52

I totally get why SIL was pissed off. OP made things about her by trying to insist on inviting others, made it about her by her obvious absence and then made it about her by turning up with explicitly uninvited guests. Sometimes you just push people too far. This was one of those times. (And there may have been a lot more backstory...)

DioneTheDiabolist · 04/06/2018 14:55

People are allowed to have parties at their homes for any reason they want. And invite whoever they want. It's not a thing "now", having parties with invited guests has been a thing for a long time.

Devilishpyjamas · 04/06/2018 14:56

She thought it was just a family lunch.

Devilishpyjamas · 04/06/2018 14:59

Talking about the big (yawn) announcement.

Ringing up saying ‘we’ve just got engaged, come and have lunch go celebrate’ is normal. Having a big announcement and then a hissy fit because the ‘moment’ has been ‘ruined’ is self absorbed twattery.

Devilishpyjamas · 04/06/2018 15:00

Whoops multitasking. We (I at least) was talking about the announcement as being a new ‘thing’ (if indeed it is one, never come across it myself)

DioneTheDiabolist · 04/06/2018 15:07

Some people do things differently to others Devilishpyjamas and that's ok. What is rarely/never ok is bringing people to a thing when the hosts have said they don't want them there.

Quartz2208 · 04/06/2018 15:12

The problem is the OP is so unaware that it could be the last straw in her taking over and making it all about her. Even her responses focus on herself and v little as to how it makes others feel

There is also a lot of build up as to how awful it was they did not invite but nothing more than a sentence as to what happened

Whether they were rude is not important the way she took over was awful

YetAnotherSpartacus · 04/06/2018 15:13

Fuck. I wouldn't apologise. It was very rude not to invite you (all) given the longevity of your relationship. Mind you, I would not have just turned up - I'd have said 'fuck you' to her face and given it a big body-swerve. If you were married (followed convention) then I wonder if you would have got a golden invite.

McTufty · 04/06/2018 15:13

@jessiemcjessie

Why the facepalm given that very obviously your assumption no one noticed is totally incorrect based on the info from the OP? She says:

I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us

They did notice them immediately and it spoilt the announcement they wanted to make.

@dionethediabolist I totally agree.

Eliza9917 · 04/06/2018 15:17

@Illuminati12 Sun 03-Jun-18 19:54:22
I own complete responsibility for what I have done and the pain I caused. I tried to explain exactly what had happened and why I did it. I suppose that is what people have interpreted as ‘justifying ‘.
I don’t live with my partner so often do things without him.
My brother did not propose in front of everyone it was an announcement. I turned up 3hours after the meal. Not justifying but clarifying.
I regret mentioning my hurt to my mother. I did not ask her to speak to my brother.
I have written to my sister-in-law apologising and I have said that I won’t blame her for not inviting me to wedding. If she doesn’t acccept my apologies I will stop any attempt from my family to intercede on my behalf. I most definitely won’t turn up.
Writing everything down makes me look like a lunatic. I accept everybody’s comments even those who have misinterpreted things (probably because I am so upset). Any upset of mine does not compare with my sister-in-law’s hurt.

What exactly were you hurt about OP?

It wasn't your event, if it was that important to you to introduce these people to your family, why hadn't you done so before now? Why not hold your own party to do so?