Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 32 33 34 ··· 39 40

Original poster

To have ruined brother’s engagement

999 replies

Illuminati12 · 03/06/2018 17:41

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

OP posts:

Devilishpyjamas · 04/06/2018 10:56

Boak even

snufflehuff · 04/06/2018 10:56

You've apologised. There's nothing more you can do so the ball is in their court. You're going to feel some shame for a while, but it will pass. Just get on with your life and wait for them to calm down.

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2018 11:01

I also agree rhose arguing her boyfriends kids, who they have never met, should have been invited to the small family gathering, are victim blaming, it's their decision who they invite to their home. End of. When you're told no four times you don't just turn up anyway and say "well they should have been invited so fuck you here we all are in your home'.

In addition as said, there are huge gaps here, the op has already clearly lied, so it's a huge possibility thr sister in law didn't just look at them and immediately run out crying. In fact I suspect that's not what happened at all.

The op also clearly stayed on her own after her boyfriend and his kids left and fought with them all, so clearly more was going on than has been detailed here.

ILikeMyChickenFried · 04/06/2018 11:03

Victim blaming? Dont be daft.

ferrier · 04/06/2018 11:03

Room for me on your sofa devilish?
Yes op may have misjudged but there's a whole load of pp need to read her posts. She has already introduced dp and his children to her mother and to her sister's family. And they've been together 18 months. It was rude of gf to exclude them and to assume op would come without at least her dp. And any reasonable person on hearing that it was dp's weekend to have the kids would say, oh bring them too, it's a great opportunity to get to know them.

BarbarianMum · 04/06/2018 11:04

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2018 11:06

The point is it doesn't matter if you think it was reasonable to invite the the kids. They didn't. They get that say. Not the op.

Personally I think as the op herself hardly knows the kids, and the couple in question have never met them, and wanted a small, family get together it's wholly reasonable to not invite them, particularly as no space and they hadn't entertained before.

The brother and sister are allowed to say who is invited to their home.

QuackPorridgeBacon · 04/06/2018 11:12

LakieLady I suppose that’s true. I can agree with that actually.

RedDogsBeg · 04/06/2018 11:13

ferrier any reasonable person would have accepted this statement from the SIL:

“Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”

and NOT tried various ways and means to have them invited and then turned up anyway with them in tow.

AlbertaSimmons · 04/06/2018 11:14

The brother and sister are allowed to say who is invited to their home.

This ^^ is the whole crux of the matter. Engagement or not, self-absorbed or not, family or not - this is the issue. These people clearly and on multiple occasions via various channels said they did not want the partner or his children at their home. They compromised on the partner eventually, but obviously reluctantly and still OP blundered on.

That's what the majority of posters are getting at. Also, OP has missed out what appears to be a big chunk of vital info (or maybe two chunks). First - why was her partner not originally included and second - what happened after the partner left.

I'm betting that the partner is in some way "not suitable" (still married?) and that there was a massive row after he left which resulted in the SiL2B's DM getting involved, SiL2B storming off because OP was standing her ground and OP being taken home by her sister.

Give us these details please OP .

Areyoufree · 04/06/2018 11:18

This is such a weird thread. Her brother was planning a family get together, to which she couldn't go because she had her partner's kids. So she was just excluded. So, she goes round four hours after the meal, and interrupts the engagement announcement. So what? It's not a big deal. My brother would probably just roll his eyes and say "Thanks a lot, sis!". Although he would never have excluded me in the first place. This is one of those situations where you apologise, and then put up with having the piss taken out of you for the rest of your life. It's not a melodramatic, "ban her from the wedding", type of thing. Some of the hysterical posts on here are baffling.

RedDogsBeg · 04/06/2018 11:21

Areyoufree can you not accept that other people do and see things differently to you and your family? What you or I would have done is irrelevant we are not the OP's brother and SIL.

Areyoufree · 04/06/2018 11:28

RedDogsBeg Sure, and am not saying what she did was right - probably would have been a good idea to text en route to check if it was okay, but the soon to be SIL overreacted completely. As have many of the posters in this thread.

AlbertaSimmons · 04/06/2018 11:28

I think this sums it up (out of context I know) .

Olddear · 04/06/2018 11:32

Boak all you like Devilish this is how this couple decided to do it. OP decided she was turning up with partner and kids in spite of being asked not to. Now it's still all about her with the vomiting and crying palaver.

Lizzie48 · 04/06/2018 11:33

I think the younger girl has been unfairly vilified for doing impressions of the SIL. She's a teenager and would find it hysterically funny to see the fiancée run away sobbing, it's absolutely drama lama territory. She also didn't do the impressions in front of her, that would have been rude.

Also, it could be a case of 'if you don't laugh you'll cry'.

Either way, there's far too much drama, the whole thing is a storm in a teacup IMO. The OP shouldn't have done what she did, but it isn't hard to see why the OP's DSD2 found it funny.

Lizzie48 · 04/06/2018 11:34

I don't think the OP will be coming back now, she's probably hidden the thread.

Billben · 04/06/2018 11:34

So she was just excluded

But she wasn’t excluded! In fact, she was the only one invited. Then, she managed to talk them into inviting her partner as well. And when she tried to get the kids invited too and that didn’t work, then she just turned up with them regardless. OP has no manners.

Gromance02 · 04/06/2018 11:38

I agree areyoufree. Unless there is a massive back story and/or the OP has form for not taking no for an answer.

lasttimeround · 04/06/2018 11:39

Yes future sil over reacted but so is our vomiting crying op. Plus all the elaborate apology plans with the assurances she will make sure her family font side against sil etc (weird ive got power signalling). OP fucked up. She should say sorry and hopefully it all dies diwn and becomes an amusing family anecdote. Having said that given the over dramaticness and convoluted unhealthy family dynamics. Both mothers got involved ffs! I doubt it will all go away. Id run z mile before marrying into this tbh

CornishMaid1 · 04/06/2018 11:41

You are getting a lot of hate and I don't think you are that bad.

You assumed initially that your partner and the kids would be invited, were told no and queried it a bit. Since they weren't you said you couldn't make the meal.

You and your DP have been together 18 months, so I would assume the invitation was for your family unit too and it is a bit odd (since an engagement is about inviting SIL into your family and your DB into hers) that they would exclude your DP.

Hindsight is wonderful and yes perhaps you should have accepted the first no (I would have queried it too though) or should have said that you would pop over later rather than just arrive unannounced, but your DB and his fiance are being very unreasonable.

You genuinely made a mistake and if she is that upset about people knowing she is engaged (after all your DP's children are part of your family whether your DB and his fiance know them or not) that is her problem. Surely she is excited to tell the world so what are two more people?

I would apologise and tell them what you have said here (going over later after they had the meal as you thought they were just not invited to eat and wanted you DP and fiance to meet your family), that you never meant to cause any upset and ask forgiveness.

If the fiance does not forgive you then that is her issue - if she is that precious about announcing they are engaged in front of two extra people (who could become their nieces) then she is going to end up a complete bridezilla.

OliviaStabler · 04/06/2018 11:46

So, she goes round four hours after the meal, and interrupts the engagement announcement. So what? It's not a big deal.

The huge difference here is that it would not be a big deal for you. Not everyone is the same.

I wouldn't want some randoms turning up at a special event like that either. Would I have run off crying? No I wouldn't, but not everyone is the same and we don't have full background details.

Devilishpyjamas · 04/06/2018 11:46

Snuggle up ferrier.

Clearly OP saw the ‘event’ as lunch - so thought she was obeying instructions. Brother and girlfriend saw the ridiculous OTT announcement held 4 hours after the lunch as the ‘event’. They should just have announced it at a sensible stage of the lunch rather than making such a ridiculous deal out of it: if they’d done the announcement at the official time of the ‘event’ then OP would not have gatecrashed anything. It’s hardly her fault the ‘event’ advertised as being at 12pm was actually at 4pm.

Then none of this ridiculous drama would ha e occurred.

I had two gatecrashers at my wedding. My Japanese friend had visiters from Japan over. She apologetically turned up asking if we minded them seeing an English wedding and they would just stay for ten mins and then go. One of my best friends had dropped out the day before (gave birth early) so my mum insisted they took their place and they stayed in friends expensive hotel room (where we were getting married)

I met them again at my friends wedding - it was lovely.

RedDogsBeg · 04/06/2018 11:50

Gromance02 I think the OP has clearly shown she has form for not taking no for an answer, she was told no four times and still ignored it.

Areyoufree I'm not convinced that the SIL just ran upstairs in tears the minute she clapped eyes on the OP and her entourage. I'm sure we are not being told the full story as an awful lot seems to have happened in very short space of time and I'm wondering why the OP had to be taken home by her sister rather than have left with her partner and his children.

RedDogsBeg · 04/06/2018 11:56

Again Devilish it doesn't matter what the OP saw the event as, nor does it matter what you think of the OP's brother and sil's announcement and it is pretty high-handed of you to decide when they should have made it - it's not your decision as it is equally not the OP's decision as to who she can invite/take to someone else's home.

Flip

1 2 ··· 32 33 34 ··· 39 40