To have ruined brother’s engagement

[Illuminati12]

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

*What is so unreasonable about the op popping in to see her family on a Sunday afternoon, and taking her partner and kids with her?

Knowing that the family would all be there having had a meal 4 HOURS earlier just makes it a nice time to pop round, no?*

I agree, Chocolate. It was badly judged, but no-one died ffs. If I'd run upstairs crying every time an event I hosted didn't go according to plan and extras rocked up, I'd have given up having parties/meals years ago.

SIL behaved like a hysterical teen imo. A good hostess would have smiled (through gritted teeth if necessary) offered them all a drink and made them feel welcome. And as for her mother sticking her oar in, well, not her circus, not her monkeys.

They sound like a bunch of loons. SIL and her DM will make the wedding a total nightmare and if your DB can tolerate her OTT behaviour for more than a couple of years, I salute him.

But flowers, a grovelling apology and some decent bubbly (at least a Veuve Clicquot, not Tesco own brand lol) is the least you can do.

Do you get on well with people worrid?

I do think OP committed a social faux pas and should at least have texted to ask whether they could pop in after the lunch, but it hardly warranted all the drama and crying and banning from the wedding (although that still sounds like a win to me).

SIL behaved like a hysterical teen imo. A good hostess would have smiled (through gritted teeth if necessary) offered them all a drink and made them feel welcome.

Why should anyone have to do this? People should listen to what they are told and have it pointed out when they don’t.

"SIL behaved like a hysterical teen"

We only have vomiting, crying OP's word for that.

Your SIL (from only what i know in your OP) did react over dramatically but i wonder if maybe there have been other instances when you have not listened to their wishes and pushed your own agenda. Maybe you havent picked up on that you were even doing it before this if it was small things that couldnt be brought up as not as significant as an engagement. In any case SIL got her point across this time.

You remind me of my mother in law. It doesnt matter whether you ask or tell her no to something perfectly reasonable multiple times she will still think 'nope, fuck that, im going to do exactly as i wish' its all about her wants and needs, not the needs of a new born baby or a grieving relative - she genuinely cannot do as she is asked and will force her wants over everyone else. For this reason we are very LC with her and shes very close to getting NC at all. YWBVU to go against as you had been asked, if you truly thought it might have been ok so long after the meal you could have sent a text to check and been told again that its not appropriate. Not that a text would be warranted because youd already been told no. My MIL wouldnt bother with the text either!

It was their announcement, they're entitled to have their day how they want it.

I suspect the banning from the wedding etc was a heat of the moment reaction.

I do feel that the gf was entitled to be upset. Engagement announcements, baby announcements, etc do mean a lot to some people so fair enough. However running off crying in front of the girls and op's partner was just plain rude. Save your upset and annoyance for when they've gone.

I suspect she'll get over it though.

Not going to lie OP, I live for this sort of drama - it's like a real life soap opera. So thanks!

In case you wanted my opinion... Over reactions all round. Sill of you to turn up with entourage in tow after being told no, bizarre overreaction from brother and girlfriend (although equally, you did turn up after the meal had finished so finding an extra couple of glasses isn't exactly catering for an extra twenty)

I think the key here not respecting your Brother and SIL wishes. I would put money on it that this has happened before, maybe in what you would consider small or insignificant ways but noticed.

I know people like this. If you organise an event, they will always be the one who tries to change it in some way - might seem trivial but when it happens again and again it gets incredibly annoying. I think you saw the explosion here because this is one event that you shouldn't have tried to change as it is very personal to them.

You didn't read between the lines - if I got told even subtlety once that someone was not invited I would respect it. I would also think there must be a reason for it. If I had any inkling I personally was not invited or welcome at an event, I would not want to go.

Without fail, the people I know like this are not aware of it and are incredibly hurt to the point of tears when they are called on it.

I don't think many PPs have said that the OP did the right thing. She didn't. But the fallout is completely disproportionate.

MN is weird sometimes.
Scenario 1- Random stranger appears at your door, anxious to scatter the ashes of a loved one in your garden: come on in! Take a pair of artisan slippers!
Scenario 2 - Close family member acts inconsiderately: go NC. Do it NOW.

And then there's Scenario 3 - neighbour's cat looks at you sideways: log it with 101

What is so unreasonable about the op popping in to see her family on a Sunday afternoon, and taking her partner and kids with her? Knowing that the family would all be there having had a meal 4 HOURS earlier just makes it a nice time to pop round, no?

What makes it unreasonable is that she had been asked four times not to do so, and had said she wasn't coming. How hard is that to understand?

I Hate it when ppl bring there kids along when not invited, it's the worst

I agree, but I still do my very best to make them feel welcome. That's what good manners is about, really - not making people feel uncomfortable.

Very bad form from SIL imo.

@BuenosAires thats what i suspect because that is how my MIL operates, its mainly small things that would look dramatic if brought up but add up over time until she does it with something huge and important and it brings it to a head, i definitely think its happened before due to my own experiences - whether or not OP is aware of it is a different story.

All the posters insisting the Op, her partner and the children should have been invited as they are family are missing the point. Yes, if I was doing the inviting they would have been because that's the way we do things, more the merrier, crack out the emergency chairs, etc., BUT I'm aware that not everybody is the same and who and how they entertain in their own home is their decision and their decision alone.

When someone says "No, not this time but love to meet 'x' another day/time." that's it, end of conversation not an invitation to try and change their minds, badger them by asking others to intercede and then just turn up anyway at whatever time and expect to be welcomed with open arms.

I imagine it will all calm down and the story of 'When Illuminati Gatecrashed the Engagement Announcement' will enter family folklore and be trotted out with embellishments at several family events in the future.

I understand what you were getting at, as it sounded from the text that they didn't have the provisions for 3 extra people so you ate beforehand, however if you weren't going to attend the meal but intended to call over I'd have rang first to check that popping over was ok with people they didn't know in tow.
It's very rude to turn up unannounced when you'd been told not to bring them.

FWIW I think you FSIL is very dramatic and I don't particularly feel like telling people you're engaged is that big of a moment, the engagement is but it seems like a lot of faff for just telling people. That's just me though.

I think the OP got the message that it wasn't her finest moment. 🙄. I don't blame her for bowing out, some of you are so OTT.

Just apologise OP and move on

SIL behaved like a hysterical teen

OP has behaved like a spoilt self entitled teen who needs to learn the meaning of NO. And she needs to get some self respect while she’s at it. If somebody doesn’t want you somewhere you don’t just turn up. Have some pride OP.

*i would of stood my ground and point blank called her out like an adult and said.

I TOLD YOU NUMEROUS TIMES NO AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TOO LEAVE NOW BECAUSE YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE NO RESPECT FOR ME BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN PESTERING ME TO CHANGE THE INVITE SO YOU CAN HIJACK MY EVENT TO INTRODUCE YOUR DP FAMILY. AND I WILL NOT TOLERATE PEOPLE THAT SO ME NO RESPECT WHATS SO EVER.

I would also so the entire family the text messages to show that you could not take no for an answer i would publicly shame you i would not of gone off crying*

Worrid, "publicly"shaming" a future in-law for a social faux pas, no matter how serious, is NOT being like an adult. Being adult is accepting that shit happens and not humiliating people in front of their family and partner. That would be embarrassing and uncomfortable for all present.

sugarnotsweetener exactly, it is small details which you would look like a psycho if you complained about each time but over time it really, really grates.

It is usually things like changing the time of a dinner booking (when the original time suits everyone else), trying to change the venue, trying to push everyone into a set menu, turning up late, changing travel arrangements - small details on their own but always subtlety altering an event or other peoples plans.

This is the thread that keeps on giving

I love that example of adult behaviour!

OP do you have children of your own? It looks like you're making a big effort to be a friendly step mum to these teens. Just don't let it be at the expense of other family members.

Sorry but she is being waaaay over the top! But you are also quite U in your forcefulness. Goodness I hate to think what the wedding planning will be like

Why should anyone have to do this? People should listen to what they are told and have it pointed out when they don’t.

I agree about the latter sentence, but there's plenty of time to do it after the event. Making all your guests feel awkward and uncomfortable while you have hysterics is bad form when you're hosting imo.

However, it's the only time in the girlfriend's life that she has got engaged and she's entitled to want it to be special

And the rest of us are entitled to find that self absorbed nonsense.

And yes getting engaged may be special, but an announcement? Really? Boat.