To have ruined brother’s engagement

[Illuminati12]

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

Excellent, we might need - a 4 seater!!

I don't normally post of threads like this but I can't believe the bullying and unpleasant comments on this thread with just one person after another piling in to be unkind to the OP. Yes it was thoughtless and misjudged but the level of vitriol is unbelievable. Has nobody else ever made a mistake, misjudged a situation? How about a bit of compassion for OP who I am sure has realised her blunder and obviously feels awful about. And before you all start shouting at me - it WAS a blunder - that's all. Nobody is ill, nobody is hurt, nobody has lost their job or a home. It was just a silly moment of thoughtlessness.

Maybe the moment was ruined in the SIL's eyes but life throws many, many difficult and sad situations at us over the years and one created by a bit of thoughtlessness is really not worth getting that upset over. If somebody gatecrashing my BBQ with a pretty nice sounding group of people was the most I'd had to be upset about recently, life would be pretty good.

Rest of the thread can find their own 600-seater Sofa Of Spite and I'll bet it's a rotten uncomfortable old sofa at that...

I'm with you devilish and ruffian. Looks like we might need a few armchairs too 🛋 🛋

It’s very calm in our corner of the room

Ah Holly, do you mean a Suite of Sweetness and Light? Pull up a chair Pebblesandsea!

I don't think anyone comes out of this particularly well. The Op was pushy and wanted to make the lunch about meeting the girls (inappropriate at somebody else's house, totally appropriate and lovely at your own) and the fiancé overreacted.

But there are quite a few questions - why didn't you pop in to the lunch alone even for a quick cup of tea they were obviously keen to see you (and said they'd love to meet the girls another time), why did you hang about after your clearly had pissed them off? Why did your sister have to drive you home? And I interrupted your partners daughter taking the piss out of the fiancé as something you were enjoying which puts you in a less flattering light.

Has nobody else ever made a mistake, misjudged a situation?

Yes, we all have. Plenty of times. But when somebody says, no, I don’t want you bringing your latest squeeze and his brood to my party (whether it’s a special party or not) we tend to listen.

The SIL is a little bit OTT (by not wanting to marry the brother if OP goes to the wedding) but I’d be livid as well if I said no to something and it was completely ignored.

OP, you were bang out of order.

OP has apologised to DB's fiancée.

To the poster who said the OP is threatening not to attend, that's a distortion of what OP said. She only said the bit below in bold to the fiancée, not the bit about stopping family from interceding on her behalf.

I have written to my sister-in-law apologising and I have said that I won’t blame her for not inviting me to wedding. If she doesn’t acccept my apologies I will stop any attempt from my family to intercede on my behalf. I most definitely won’t turn up.

The poster was Duckbilled

@Illuminati12 I do feel for you actually. If it was my brother, partner of 18 months and their DCs then they would be part of our family regardless of whether I had met them or not, IMO that is what family is all about and they would never be included. It is sad that so many people on here feel differently and how ridiculously precious from your brother and his GF. Why does it matter??

However, they did specifically say there is no room so even if you thought they were out of order you really shouldn't have taken them or at least asked if they could come later. I think that was pretty clear from their messages.

But WTF runs off and cries when 2 kids they don't know turn up, that is seriously odd behaviour!

OP is a CF.

DB/SIL followed the textbook in saying 'no' repeatedly, consistently and clearly. OP somehow took this to mean 'yes'.

SIL - whose reaction we have OP's filtered view of - is not prepared to put up with CF-ery- and and is so going low/no contact. Which means everything, including the wedding.

I'm ready to bet good money that there have been several/many more instances of CF-ery, which OP has been to self-centred to realise. And this episode just puts the tin lid on it - OP cannot be relied on to understand even a simple message that 'no' means 'no'

And they've had enough.

Oh dear OP. So presumably your partner had no idea he wasn't invited or did he also think gatecrashing would be ok? How mortifying for his kids! There has to be more to it historically than this because I'm fairly sure most families don't live their lives like they're on the set of Eastenders. The overreaction of the fiancee gives the impression it was the last straw, not an isolated incident.

I haven’t read the whole thread yet. But I’m cringing so much. Why the fuck would you turn up unexpectedly and with people who weren’t invited? Did you even tell your partner and the teens that they weren’t invited? God you sound embarrassing. I’d wager that the gfs reaction was so because of you not understanding no on other occasions. Learn to fucking read and take the damn hint. You didn’t need to know about the announcement, because it wouldn’t have been a surprise then. God you sound ridiculous op.

Bloody hell, Bridezilla! Your brother needs to run for the hills.

She didn’t gatecrash though did she? She missed the meal and turned up later, not realising she was gatecrashing anything. We’ve often done that with ds1 at family events tbh (he can’t cope with the whole thing, especially the formal bits, so comes to a bit of it).

I do think the Sister in law running off and crying is also pathetic though. But I understand her being pissed off.

Mind you I can’t get my head around a ‘surprise’ announcement planned weeks in advance.

I won’t know what to do with my face if I ever have to attend one.

I bet it was more the fact that the future was going to start a massive rant so decided to remove herself from the situation. Which is understandable but i would of stood my ground and point blank called her out like an adult and said.

I TOLD YOU NUMEROUS TIMES NO AND I WOULD LIKE YOU TOO LEAVE NOW BECAUSE YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE NO RESPECT FOR ME BECAUSE YOU HAVE BEEN PESTERING ME TO CHANGE THE INVITE SO YOU CAN HIJACK MY EVENT TO INTRODUCE YOUR DP FAMILY. AND I WILL NOT TOLERATE PEOPLE THAT SO ME NO RESPECT WHATS SO EVER.

I would also so the entire family the text messages to show that you could not take no for an answer i would publicly shame you i would not of gone off crying. But i am not a walk over type of person and i do not stand for such bullshit. Tough that your DP and his children feel unwelcome they were not invited and effectively were equal to joe blogs off the street and it was all of your own making.

I would not suck it up just to be polite because that is how CF like the OP always gets away with what she wants aka bulldozer because we are meant to suck it up for politeness sake and tolerate the complete disregard and lack of respect.

I’m caught up now. My opinion hasn’t changed.

OP somehow took this to mean 'yes'.

I don't think she did. OP wanted the introduction to happen and she attended the party with uninvited guests (who she knew were not welcome at the event) a few hours late to make it happen. She just didn't bank on the reaction she received.

She did gatecrash. She turned up at a time when she calculated the event would still be going on with the people she had been told several times not to bring. That's gatecrashing.

I'm still not convinced that it's ok to turn up later the same day with guests who were specifically not invited to the earlier event. I still think that's awkward and cringy.

Brother and girlfriend think they’re the only people in the world to ever get engaged

I very much doubt that. However, it's the only time in the girlfriend's life that she has got engaged and she's entitled to want it to be special.