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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have ruined brother’s engagement

999 replies

Illuminati12 · 03/06/2018 17:41

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

OP posts:

MarthasGinYard · 04/06/2018 08:19

Also surprised your OH wanted to go with his dc unless he's either as pushy as you, or was oblivious to the texts etc.

wowfudge · 04/06/2018 08:19

I haven't rtft but the OP didn't go (did her DB know she wasn't coming?), having been invited on her own, then rocked up four hours after the start time with the very people in tow she'd been asked not to bring round.

Apologise OP. Send flowers and champagne then leave it. Do not hound them or expect a thank you. Just say you completely misinterpreted what was going on and didn't think before you turned up with your partner and his kids.

You do know that if you refuse an invitation it's extremely rude to rock up anyway when it suits you?

Ruffian · 04/06/2018 08:21

No no ShotsFired, that's not nearly 'special' enough for types like this future-sil

worridmum · 04/06/2018 08:24

The OP is shockingly rude she decided the event was the best time to introduce her new squeeze and his children to the family without her dipping into her own pocket or make any effort to host her own event she did not take NO for a answer not once not twice but 4 times.

And the person who said she might have asd is just plain wrong we know when no means no you might have a point if they were being subtle but they cannot be more clear than NO 4 times. And its a bit offencive to people like me who genuinely have asd to suggest this sort of thing...

Devilishpyjamas · 04/06/2018 08:29

My reading of it is that the OP didn’t go to the meal (as dd’s & partner not invited) and thought she would pop on unobtrusively. Had no idea it was a special occasion.

Brother and girlfriend think they’re the only people in the world to ever get engaged and so we’re creating a ‘special moment’ (ffs - what is wrong with just telling people you’re engaged - who needs a special announcement?)

OP you were a bit obtuse I guess but tbh your brother and girlfriend sound a nightmare. I’d leave them to it. At least you’ll miss the ‘first people to have a baby’ announcement.

Devilishpyjamas · 04/06/2018 08:31

God I’m pleased my family don’t go in for all this over the top announcing of stuff and special moments. We’d have ruined every one (severely disabled child who doesn’t play by the rules).

CoraPirbright · 04/06/2018 08:33

I think how the OP is about all of this is illustrated by the fact she calls him her 'partner' and not her boyfriend. They don't live together, and she's only just met the children.
Whereas the DB's partner is called a girlfriend despite the fact they live together...

That’s interesting Roussette - I hadn’t picked up on that! I also think that the crying and vomiting says much about the OP never mind the ignoring of explicit instructions.

londonrach · 04/06/2018 08:37

Yabu and very rude. You were told no and you still did it. Mind you the girlfriend is behaving badly too

Ruffian · 04/06/2018 08:42

Devilishpyjamas - I’d leave them to it. At least you’ll miss the ‘first people to have a baby’ announcement.

Maybe she calls future-sil 'girlfriend' because that's what db calls her? Or because she's quite young (tho' not 6 years old presumably despite her behaviour) and op's partner is of more mature years, old enough to have teenaged children so 'boyfriend' would sound odd.

happylion · 04/06/2018 08:49

I Hate it when ppl bring there kids along when not invited, it's the worst

Banana8080 · 04/06/2018 08:51

They said no extra guests, you ignored them and brought extra guests.... that’s quite weird.

you owe them a big apology.

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 04/06/2018 08:52

OP CF drama queen.
If I was the newly engaged girlfriend I would be banging my head against a wall wondering how to get through to you that no means no.

I guess 30 pages of mn responses that yabvvvu may hopefully do the trick

OliviaStabler · 04/06/2018 08:58

Hi OP (if you are still reading this thread)

What you did was called bulldozing. It is clear that you had no idea you were doing it but at least this thread has now pointed that out to you and you can monitor your behaviour for future signs of this.

MiniCooperLover · 04/06/2018 09:06

OP, you still seem to not quite get the point. I feel terrible but I really didn't think it was a problem etc. You feel bad because you're in trouble with your family basically. What did your DP say about all of this?

Graham Norton will have this on his show next week, they always steal their 'Real Graham' stuff off MN.

Devilishpyjamas · 04/06/2018 09:08

Ruffian I’m definitely sharing your sofa. We can mutter about the ridiculous princess-ness of the girlfriend together (fiancée - god help us all - I can already imagine the drama that is going to go into planning this wedding)

OP - at least you won’t be asked to be a bridesmaid. I can imagine she’ll fall out with the lot of them before too long.

Apologise if you want to. Nice card, whatever. I can guarantee though that she’ll fall out with you again over something else before too long. People this over dramatic tend to have a long list of supposed insults.

In you shoes I would apologise via a card, so you have at least attempted to smooth things over then sit back. Don’t do anything else. If she makes a point of saying you still can’t go to the wedding don’t respond other than with an ‘okay’ and a ‘you understand’ and a you ‘hope they have a lovely day’.

The best way to deal with those prone to amateur dramatics is agree with them. Have a close family member who is always trying to create drama where there is none an ‘oh right’ has served me well over the years.

Lovemusic33 · 04/06/2018 09:10

YABU for turning up with your boyfriend and his kids, they were not invited, did your partner not know they were not invited? If he did know then it’s a bit of a weird thing for him to along with it. Do you not go anywhere without him??

Beaverhausen · 04/06/2018 09:11

I guess it depends on how long she had been dating DP for. Also how mortified and embarrassed must her DP just not be due to this event.

It was one afternoon OP you could have sucked it up buttercup and attended the little soiree on your own for a few hours and then left to join your partner and his daughters.

I do think you SIL reaction was very OTT, she was not gracious enough to welcome your partner and his children but instead threw her tantrum and ran away in tears creating a scene. Grown ups would have grinned and beared and then had it out with you afterwards.

Personally you and your family sound like a bunch of drama lamas. Good luck with the wedding because if an engagement can be so stressfull I would hate to think what the wedding is going to be like.

PS you all need to grow up and you owe your DP and his daughters an apology.

jobobpip08 · 04/06/2018 09:15

I feel there is obviously more to this than a one-off event. Heres one example of what my SIL used to get up to :- When I got engaged it was in the days before mobile phones were common and my future PIL were in France on holiday. So we told my parents, my DB and SIL with the strict instruction not to tell anyone else, as PIL were away and didn't know yet (etiquette still ruled, you told family first). Needless to say because it has to be about her being the centre of attention, SIL blabbed, her sister then blabbed in front of all our friends in the pub and we never got the pleasure of telling our friends ourselves. She totally stole our thunder.

This was not the first thing - which was causing a big drama over my 18th birthday - certainly not the last although I did learn my lesson and never again was she told anything. Every time I saw her I would be stressed over what she was going to say - it was always focussed at me, having a laugh at my expense in some nasty way, for my parents sake I would always bite my tongue. I have now been NC with DB and SIL for 9 years over a biggie but 9 drama-free years - bliss!

FairNotFair · 04/06/2018 09:15

What a lot of drama. What you did was clumsy and charmless, but it doesn't really warrant this level of weapons-grade scolding. It was a social blunder, not a targeted attack.

It's done now; all you can do is apologise sincerely and learn from your mistake. If your DB and his fiancée choose to nurture their offended feelings, leave them to it. If this has "ruined" their engagement, it wasn't very robust in the first place. But they are probably bonding over the drama. Some people enjoy it.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 04/06/2018 09:17

OP wrote to her future SIL by way of apology and said
"If she doesn’t acccept my apologies I will stop any attempt from my family to intercede on my behalf. I most definitely won’t turn up. "

OP says that SIL texted her after the engagement event and said that there wasn't going to be a wedding if OP was going to be there.

This apology from OP is not a real apology. It is outlining what will happen if SIL does not accept OPs apologies and agree that her behaviour was in fact OK. OP fully expects the whole family to plead with her to come to the wedding and she will resist, to keep the drama going.

Devilishpyjamas · 04/06/2018 09:22

I have assumed the OP is sane in my responses, but if duckbilled is correct then fgs OP apologise, step back, step away from the crazy stuff and leave them to wind each other up into a frenzy over nothing.

Ruffian · 04/06/2018 09:22

Happy to share your Sofa Of Sanity Devilishpyjamas

Devilishpyjamas · 04/06/2018 09:23

I think fairnotfair is joining us @Ruffian

FairNotFair · 04/06/2018 09:25

Shove up, Devilish

bluebell34567 · 04/06/2018 09:26

your sil was Ott.
you didnt know they were doing an engagement.

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