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Original poster

To have ruined brother’s engagement

999 replies

Illuminati12 · 03/06/2018 17:41

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

OP posts:
UrgentExitRequired · 04/06/2018 07:42

You come across as very pushy, they made it clear several times who was and wad not invited. I would say you were in the wrong here.

ferrier · 04/06/2018 07:42

She couldn't take dp without the kids as it was his weekend for them.

hammeringinmyhead · 04/06/2018 07:42

Once again, brother and fiancée had not met the children.

Ruffian · 04/06/2018 07:43

OP is jealous that her DB is free to get engaged but she isn't. That might account for her desperately trying to play happy families and thrust the children into the scene

Except that op didn't know db was getting engaged when she tried to insist on dp/dc being invited.

ferrier · 04/06/2018 07:45

Once again, the rest of the family had. It was an ideal occasion for them all to meet and given that op has been with dp for 18 months they should by now be classes as family.
If op had recently adopted or fostered children would they not have been invited because they hadn't met yet? No.

Rocinante1 · 04/06/2018 07:45

@ferrier

But they've never met the kids. The evening would have then been about meeting the kids, but about their announcement.

They she not interested the families yet. OP should have organised her own event for them to meet, then had a few more meetings or family activities for the kids to become part of the family (if they even want to be).

But at the moment, no one knows the kids, OP only recently met them, they are not integrated with her family and there is no logic in inviting them to a private family event yet, especially when it's being hosted by someone else.

The family have not been rude - they don't know these kids and it's not their job to facilitate a meeting. Its OP's job to arrange that. The other kids in the family have presumably been around for years.

Olddear · 04/06/2018 07:46

Well you get 10/10 for determination OP! You're not one to be put off doing what YOU want, that's for sure!

Rocinante1 · 04/06/2018 07:49

If OP had recently adopted, then she's have made an effort to introduce to family pretty quickly. This is totally different situation. These kids have 2 parents and their own family already. To introduce them and make them part of a new family takes time and need to be done with sensitivity towards their mum; and OP hasn't started that process yet.

The bottom line is - the first time they meet needs to be at an event hosted by OP. Not during someone else's very special, private moment.

hammeringinmyhead · 04/06/2018 07:51

Doesn't matter if they've met the rest of the family, OP's neighbours, and her regular takeaway delivery guy; the hosts decide who is invited. OP doesn't live with the partner (boyfriend), and has only know the children since Christmas. This is not the same as recently adopted children.

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2018 07:51

If op had recently adopted or fostered children would they not have been invited because they hadn't met yet? No

That's very different. Then they would be her kids. These are not her kids, she doesn't even live with this guy, and only met the kids in the last six months, the couple whose house and event it was has never even met them.

Roussette · 04/06/2018 07:54

I think how the OP is about all of this is illustrated by the fact she calls him her 'partner' and not her boyfriend. They don't live together, and she's only just met the children.
Whereas the DB's partner is called a girlfriend despite the fact they live together...

lovesugarfreejelly63 · 04/06/2018 07:55

Illumi - you were told more than once what the situation was, yet you took it upon yourself to "drop in" with said family. I hope you can resolve this soon, nothing worse than family fallouts.

Ruffian · 04/06/2018 07:55

op didn't know it was going to be a 'very special, private moment'

I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own

MrsMint · 04/06/2018 07:58

I agree with most that you were told they weren't invited so you shouldn't have turned up with them. However slightly puzzled; since when has announcing an engagement been a private family thing? Many announce it to a room full of family AND friends. You do all sound a bit Am Dram!

AlbertaSimmons · 04/06/2018 08:00

She must be remarkably thick to have not picked up that it was a special occasion Hmm.

Rocinante1 · 04/06/2018 08:00

@Ruffian

Again, anyone with a brain can figure out that something must be afoot.

And even if they can't, she didn't need too. Shed been told these people couldn't be acoomodated. That could simpy be there isn't enough space to have that many lunch guests. Did OP expect them to build an extension?

She was told no many times by many people. At that point, you stop just thinking about yourself and engage your brain to figure out that this was not the time to shove your own wants down someone else's throat.

Snowysky20009 · 04/06/2018 08:02

OP no, means no 🤷🏻‍♀️Simple as that. They did not want them there for a reason.

Bibesia · 04/06/2018 08:03

It was an ideal occasion for them all to meet and given that op has been with dp for 18 months they should by now be classes as family

Why? Surely if OP wanted the family to meet her boyfriend's children, the "ideal occasion" would have been one organised and hosted by her - not hijacking an event organised by her brother and SIL where they had made it clear that they only wanted close family?

ragged · 04/06/2018 08:05

Wow, 800 posts about nothing.
I'm not saying people with ASD are insensitive gits.
Yet I reckon what OP did is something somebody could do b/c they don't easily grasp other people's perspectives. Due to not selfishness but rather having something different about their brains process social interactions. OP is doing a good job of coming across as over-enthusiastic, not a narcissist.

If I were OP I'd do the profuse apologies and after that pretty much avoid my family from now until end of time. Too many fragile people in this picture.

Ruffian · 04/06/2018 08:06

Again, anyone with a brain can figure out that something must be afoot

So anytime you're invited to a family get-together meal you suspect that something's afoot? How odd. I would think it was going to be..a meal and a get-together and in fact that's what it would be in my family.

Yes, the op crossed a line - i've said so and OP has said, in the op, that she is mortified by her behaviour. But did it warrant public humiliation and pathetic dramatics and awful abusive texts? Of course it didn't.

SD1978 · 04/06/2018 08:08

I’ve been reading this with great interest. I’d say OP is more of a dream queeen- crying and committing and making another family meneber have to leave to drive her home. I’m sorry. You were repeatedly told no- by many people. But you decided you were more important than your brother and his fiancée who had made their position very clear- 4 times clear. They wanted to make an announcement to their family- not meet kids you have seen EOW since Christmas. bot Inviting your boyfriend was a bit rude- that should have been a given. They wanted to tell their family, in their way, that they were engaged. You were told no, and turned up regardless- you chose to misinterpret that it was a space issue, but I think deep down you knew you were saying stuff you, my boyfriend and kids should be able to come wherever we want. You are not a close family. You don’t see your brother often, I think you have been incredible selfish. The fiancée over reacted by crying- but you had been told 4 times no- and you turned up regardless. Maybe she juts had enough. All you can do is apologise- preferably by letter/card as you still seem to gunk you weren’t all that wrong, and see what she has to say when she calms down.

Bibesia · 04/06/2018 08:09

Once again, the rest of the family had

Only OP's mother and sister had met them, ferrier.

Given that OP isn't living with her boyfriend and regularly goes to events without him, I can't see why there was any obligation to invite him, let alone his children.

ShotsFired · 04/06/2018 08:15

Aside from all the opinions of the OP going on, has nobody wondered why the brother and fiancee invited everyone to lunch, had a big old meal and waited four hours to reveal they were engaged?

So they kept schtum all through eating and toasts and having a nice time with the family, even though the announcement was the whole point of the meal/invite that day?

Wouldn't you normally go, "...welcome everyone to our home, we've got some exciting news to share before we sit down for lunch...WE'RE ENGAGED!"

Bibesia · 04/06/2018 08:16

I'm not sure that DB's partner is such a drama queen. When OP turned up, she probably saw flash before her eyes a lifetime of OP completely overriding her own or anyone else's wishes, and ruining important events by trying to make them all about her and what she wants. Unless checked, OP will drag a succession of boyfriends to the hen do, the wedding, the births, the christenings, irrespective of whether they are invited or not. In a sense SiL did what, on other threads, we are always urging the victims of CFs to do - she made it very, very clear that she wouldn't tolerate it.

MarthasGinYard · 04/06/2018 08:17

Bloody hell

I reckon you have previous for this kind of thing Op

That's why they've all had enough

Apologise and lie low

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