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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have ruined brother’s engagement

999 replies

Illuminati12 · 03/06/2018 17:41

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

OP posts:

flumpybear · 04/06/2018 06:00

If you get invited to the wedding don't turn up with an uninvited entourage again, and don't wear a long white dress

You were out of order, just do as asked or don't go ...

MyOtherProfile · 04/06/2018 06:01

I can't get over the fact you've only been with your partner for a few months and are alrwady prioritising him and his daughters over your brother. It wouldn't have hurt to go to the dinner and gone to meet your dp and kids later.

Lots of parents dating don't even introduce their kids to the new partner til after the 6 month mark.

mathanxiety · 04/06/2018 06:23

You should apologise to the family, and also to the children you dragged into the middle of all this.

They did not have much of a time, and it was your fault.

Future SIL isn't really being a loon here. The OP tried repeatedly to get the children invited so they could meet the family at an event that wasn't hers, that meant a lot to the SIL. Whether the OP knew what was afoot or not, she knew that this was not her event. She didn't organise it. It wasn't her place to interject an important occasion for her onto someone else's event.

She may have sighed a huge sigh of relief that the OP hadn't turned up after all, only to have OP and the unfortunate children troop in the garden gate at the exact wrong moment. No wonder she worries that the OP will try to hijack her wedding.

Future SIL and her mother are not very classy people, but the OP is rude and very inconsiderate and two nice children have ended up hurt and feeling they may have ruined someone else's special occasion as a result.

nolongerblue · 04/06/2018 06:40

I get why SIL was upset. You were told not to bring the kids, you try to pressurise them into giving you want you wanted, you 'punish; them by not going when they don't cave in, then you turn up with the explicitly uninvited guests anyway. I don't think it was about SIL wanting a 'perfect' moment, I think it was about her being pushed over the top by what must have seemed like your active unpleasantness to her, and complete disregard for her in her own home.

moofeatures · 04/06/2018 06:42

If turning up after the meal with the kids was an acceptable option to your brother, he would have suggested it. He didn't.

Peterrabbitscarrots · 04/06/2018 06:45

Nobody comes out of this well. I do think it was unfair that your family group wasn’t invited - I hate it when stepkids are treated differently.

However I think you should have handled it differently - keeping a dignified distance away from the event. I bet the teenagers didn’t want to be dragged to the house either

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/06/2018 06:50

HollyGibney

I think there is nothing wrong with turning up to see your own family FOUR hours after The Event they didn't want you at.

She didn't turn up 4 hours after the event, she turned up during the event.
An event to which she was invited but decided not to go to.
And crashed it with the very people she was asked not to bring.
Even though they had offered a place to her "partner".

BoneyBackJefferson · 04/06/2018 06:52

I would love to have Blunt's questions answered as there are massive gaps in the story.

Aridane · 04/06/2018 07:08

But they aren’t really stepchildren,peter - OP only met them a few months ago at Christmas

HappyLollipop · 04/06/2018 07:08

You all sound unreasonable and bizarre! Your unreasonable to have even brought your DP and DSC when told repeatedly no, they would have met the family eventually just not then a bit of patience wouldn't have killed you. Your DB and SiL are also crazy though I couldn't imagine being so high strung Im assuming they wanted their 'moment' in front of family but they're still engaged and I can't see how you walking in with a few people changes that! My guess is they felt like all the attention would now be on your DP and kids with people asking them questions instead of gushing over their engagement but that's extremely selfish and childish of them. Your family is very weird OP.

Aridane · 04/06/2018 07:09

Was the crying and vomiting occurring at the gate crashed dinner and so extreme the sister had to leave the event to take OP home?

Ruffian · 04/06/2018 07:19

It was that kind of event - all the other spouses and kids were invited

he isn't her spouse and they aren't her children. Neither are they her stepchildren

And that's put nicely op in her place hasn't it? Perhaps she's sick of coming to family do's and being the only one sitting there without a partner or dc, she wanted them there and crossed a line with her behaviour but people seriously think she is the more unreasonable?

OP - argued about having partner/dc there and eventually refused to go not knowing there was a 'special' reason for the get-together. Called in later on assuming family would just be relaxing together and it wouldn't be too inconvenient to just say a quick hello and introduce partner's dc so family wouldn't exclude them in future on the grounds they don't know them. OP feels utterly devastated and ashamed and abjectly sorry.

db/sil - upset the op by refusing to invite her partner and dc. Allow the op to drop out despite knowing that they are going to make an important family announcement. Create a preposterous drama by crying and running off so humiliating op/dp/dc then, instead of trying to calm the situation, text op threatening not to marry her db if op ever shows her face

Yet it's the op who mn jury considers more guilty!

Early on I suggested this was probably a load of bollocks but with updates I worry it's real. OP behaved unwisely but the behaviour of the 'injured party' was really despicable.

CanIBuffalo · 04/06/2018 07:20

Reads like a TV episode

whylie · 04/06/2018 07:22

OP YANBU at all!
SIL to be sounds like a attention seeking spoilt little madam!
How on earth do the people on here get that OP is a attention seeker?
She went for meal on her own!
Then turned up hours later with partner and kids so she could introduce them!
Why not announce engagement at the meal?
Don't worry OP SIL sounds like a dick head !

forumdonkey · 04/06/2018 07:24

In summary, OP is rude and SIL is a complete drama queen. Bat shit crazy all of you

Quartz2208 · 04/06/2018 07:26

Whylie she went for a meal with her partner not her brother

OP is still all about you which is what caused this in the first place

ferrier · 04/06/2018 07:26

Good grief. How long does op have to be with her partner for them to count as family? Is 18 months not enough? 🙄
They should all have been invited in the first place.
If they weren't invited then the correct reason should have been given- not that there isn't room to accommodate - as op quite reasonably thought that meant that once the meal was over there would be room for them.

Plus gf is indeed a controlling drama llama. I doubt the brother will not invite you by when you'll have been with dp for 2 years so surely that will be long enough .... If dp is not invited then I personally wouldn't go.

DevilsDoorbell · 04/06/2018 07:26

Sil to be totally overreacted. Would love to hear about the wedding plans, bet she’ll be a right bridezilla

Bluntness100 · 04/06/2018 07:30

Good grief. How long does op have to be with her partner for them to count as family? Is 18 months not enough? 🙄They should all have been invited in the first place

Eh? They've never even met the kids. And clearly hardly know rhe boyfriend. The op herself only met the kids at Xmas. Why would they be classed as family? [ confused]

ferrier · 04/06/2018 07:34

Lots of parents dating don't even introduce their kids to the new partner til after the 6 month mark

OP and partner have been together 18 months. That's in the first post.

AlbertaSimmons · 04/06/2018 07:37

I wonder if the OP's boyfriend is still technically married to the girls' mother, and OP is jealous that her DB is free to get engaged but she isn't. That might account for her desperately trying to play happy families and thrust the children into the scene - sort of FU one-upmanship? There's definitely more to this fantastic yarn situation than we're being told.

dontticklethetoad · 04/06/2018 07:38

MyOtherProfile rtft

They have been together 18 months.

Rocinante1 · 04/06/2018 07:40

For me, one of the worst things about this is that they've never met.

You clearly havnt bothered to host your own lunch/dinner/BBQ /afternoon eat in order to introduce them. You should have held your own event.

Instead, you saw an opportunity to have them meet the whole family without you having to lift a finger and you tried to take over their even for your own gain.

You were clearly told no. It was obvious they didn't want stranger in their home for this. Anyone with a brain would have figured out they were announcing a pregnancy/engagement or terminal illness or something. But you just plowed on trying to bulldoze your way into their event. Then, when you didn't get away with it, you didn't bother going even though you could taken your partner, which sounds completely fair.

You turn up and make it all about you. Then all the hysterics from you - of course your SIL was upset and probably sick of you. I would be

ferrier · 04/06/2018 07:41

They're classed as family as partner has been with op 18 months and they are partner's children. That's what happens with step families.
It was very rude of gf not to invite the dp. Kids I could understand if there were no other kids there but op said her siblings' kids were there so there really was no reason for dp's children not to be there, especially as they have already met.

DaphneDiligaf · 04/06/2018 07:42

Apologies if this has been said but am I the only one looking for a post from a Mum who's teenage daughters have returned from an outing with their father upset and embarrassed by the drama their fathers new girlfriend has put them through! Can you imagine the advice we would be giving her?

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