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Original poster

To have ruined brother’s engagement

999 replies

Illuminati12 · 03/06/2018 17:41

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

OP posts:
springbluebells · 03/06/2018 23:53

Oh my, don't engagements and weddings bring out the best in people...

boilerhouse2007 · 03/06/2018 23:55

''But having a party where you decide who is invited has been a thing for centuries. Memo on this didn't seem to reach the OP but luckily the event has taught her differently.''

it was a dinner-not a party and OP turned up 4 HOURS LATER which many postrs here seem to disregard- a VERY different thing from turning up at the dinner time.

CoughLaughFart · 04/06/2018 00:01

I think there is nothing wrong with turning up to see your own family FOUR hours after The Event they didn't want you at.

Really? Because it screams desperate cry for attention / desire to make a scene to me. Why couldn’t she ‘call in’ another day (when she hadn’t been told several times not to do so)?

CristalTipps · 04/06/2018 00:04

it was a dinner-not a party and OP turned up 4 HOURS LATER which many postrs here seem to disregard- a VERY different thing from turning up at the dinner time.

It was a family dinner and those tend to stretch on all day - I know that's the case for my family and also for my partners family. 'Lunch at 12' means I'll get home around 7-8pm usually.

MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood · 04/06/2018 00:06

I also think that after causing a massive stink over their lack of invite turning up four hours later is a deliberate passive aggressive act of shaming the hosts which in this case backfired massively

WhatsGoingOnEh · 04/06/2018 00:06

Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited.

I hate people that make ridiculous statements like this. How would it make your brother feel? 🙄 She's a twat.

But you were bonkers to drag your partner and his kids round to a party they hadn't been invited to. Why? Why?? Why would you do that?! Just 100% cringeworthy for everyone concerned.

RedDogsBeg · 04/06/2018 00:07

The time OP turned up is irrelevant, the people there had said they didn't want to meet the children on this particular day.

pallisers · 04/06/2018 00:07

it was a dinner-not a party and OP turned up 4 HOURS LATER which many postrs here seem to disregard- a VERY different thing from turning up at the dinner time.

Oh come on. the OP was invited by herself to a lunch. When she said she wanted to bring her boyfriend and his 2 children too she was told no, not that kind of event but boyfriend could come too. She protested etc.that the children of her boyfriend should be invited but hosts still said no. So she refused to go at all and then turned up anyway 4 hours later with the exact people who were not invited.

That is not at all the same as someone not being invited to a dinner but happening to turn up 4 hours later to drop in and say hello.

The OP has managed to understand what went wrong here. Amazing that so many people seem to think it is ok.

CoughLaughFart · 04/06/2018 00:08

I also think that after causing a massive stink over their lack of invite turning up four hours later is a deliberate passive aggressive act of shaming the hosts which in this case backfired massively.

That’s it in a nutshell.

Ruffian · 04/06/2018 00:12

When she said she wanted to bring her boyfriend and his 2 children too she was told no, not that kind of event

It was that kind of event - all the other spouses and kids were invited

CoughLaughFart · 04/06/2018 00:16

It’s not really relevant who WAS invited. The OP’s partner and his kids weren’t.

MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood · 04/06/2018 00:27

But the other spouses and kids were BILs/SILs/nieces/nephews of the groom.

The boyfriends children are not her stepchildren they'd never met them but had kindly said not now but in future.

Why the OP couldn't have gone to the lunch and her boyfriend entertained his children alone is beyond most posters.

The thing is because she didn't know it was an engagement the OP took the exclusion of her boyfriend as a huge slight, kicked a huge fuss. Missed the family event because she was pissed off, then because she felt slighted decided to MAKE A POINT that they'd upset her by coming anyway and bringing the DC

An extremely unfair scenario for these DC who have been used by the OP here to try and make her brother and SIL look bad if I was their mother I'd be absolutely fuming.

Ruffian · 04/06/2018 00:34

The thing is because she didn't know it was an engagement the OP took the exclusion of her boyfriend as a huge slight

Which it was.

CoughLaughFart · 04/06/2018 00:43

So you either don’t go and say why, or you go but privately make the point that you’re unhappy. You don’t turn up regardless pretending you don’t know it will cause shit.

CristalTipps · 04/06/2018 00:47

The thing is because she didn't know it was an engagement the OP took the exclusion of her boyfriend as a huge slight, kicked a huge fuss. Missed the family event because she was pissed off, then because she felt slighted decided to MAKE A POINT that they'd upset her by coming anyway and bringing the DC

She probably saw it as the perfect opportunity to introduce the kids to the whole family, but it wasn't her event. She should have planned her own bbq or lunch.

Looking at this from the fiancee's side, the behaviour is quite hurtful and passive aggressive. Refusing to take no for an answer the first time, then appealing to her brother, then going to her mother to speak to him for her, and then deciding not to go at all even though her boyfriend did get an invite. And then just turning up in the afternoon (as if mobile phones are no longer a thing) and walking into the back garden unannounced. It's rude, and would have looked like a deliberate "fuck you, I said I wanted you to meet his kids so here we are".

This thread is quite outing. If you're reading this "brother's fiancee" feel free to give your side!

CristalTipps · 04/06/2018 00:50

Which it was.

And which they seemed to accept because they said he could come.

pallisers · 04/06/2018 00:59

It was that kind of event - all the other spouses and kids were invited

he isn't her spouse and they aren't her children. Neither are they her stepchildren.

I am constantly amazed at how quickly people want to shove children into a situation where they have to be treated as and treat random families as their own.

These teens may be in OP's life forever. Or they may never see her again after she decides their dad isn't what she wants next month. Either way her deciding she wouldn't go to lunch with her brother because he didn't invite them but then turn up with them anyway was bad for everyone - especially these 2 teens who probably would far rather be hanging out with their friends than having to navigate the world of their dad's girlfriend's relationships.

sleepingdragons · 04/06/2018 01:06

Leave off the OP. The future SIL is a loon. Seriously, who cries because someone turns up with their DC?

The brother should have explained it was a special occasion. He didn't. wires got crossed .

The future SIL has made it into a massive drama. And saying she never wants to see her again - WTF?

She's a control freak and off her rocker! These people must live very uneventful lives, seriously. Someone turning up at your house is grounds for tears? Is she 4?

emmyrose2000 · 04/06/2018 01:13

I'm not surprised the fiancee is upset. At the exact moment everyone is supposed to be saying 'congratulations' etc, the OP lobs into view, along with three uninvited people, two of whom are complete strangers!

So now, instead of her engagement announcement being full of happy memories of people congratulating the happy couple, asking about wedding plans etc, it's all about OP.

It's likely this was being filmed too. What a fabulous memento of their engagement. Not.

MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood · 04/06/2018 01:32

SIL isn't a loon, she told the OP four times they weren't invited.

Imagine it wasn't an engagement announcement

All the OP knew was that it was a private family only event and presumably guessed "news" involved

Only she didn't know the news and petulantly didn't turn up. What if her DBro had been announcing testicular cancer or they were announcing that they were trying to decide whether to have a TFMR.

Yet all the OP cares about is they didn't invite KEITH as a spouse AND INCLUDE THE GIRLS. It's the same principle ultimately.

Jonbb · 04/06/2018 01:40

Frankly I'm astounded at some of these responses. To not invite a partner and his children to a family occasion is downright rude and churlish. If the op had known an announcement was being made she would not have turned up with partner and children, but as they did, they should have been offered champagne for the toast and been made to feel welcome. I suspect there is a back story here of the partner not meeting their approval in some way. Dreadful manners to make somebody feel like that. They should be thoroughly ashamed of their behaviour.

sleepingdragons · 04/06/2018 02:39

SIL isn't a loon, she told the OP four times they weren't invited

And? Still doesn't warrant bursting into tears and vowing to never see her again, that's some serious overreaction.

If that happened in my house, I'd roll my eyes, and when everyone's gone say to my OH "Jesus your sister doesn't know how to take a hint does she?!"

Although - it wouldn't happen in my house in the first place as I'd be perfectly happy for my future-SIL to bring her kids and her current squeeze, even if they'd only been seeing each other 5 minutes, as long as he was a nice person.

sleepingdragons · 04/06/2018 02:40

Jonbb I couldn't agree more.

PeachesPlumsPears · 04/06/2018 04:57

They wanted their event to be about announcing their engagement, not about everyone meeting new children.

This.

Time to apologize and grovel.

huha · 04/06/2018 05:52

You were super selfish OP.
Your SIL is a drama queen.
Not a good mix, really.