Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have ruined brother’s engagement

999 replies

Illuminati12 · 03/06/2018 17:41

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 03/06/2018 23:23

hissy
I almost want another thread detailing every drama from the wedding planning.

STBSIL is raging because the my mother wants to wear duck egg blue but that's not allowed because the napkins and favours are going to be a pale duck egg blue. Apparently everyone is trying to ruin their day

got the invites through and although me and DP are together, they've only invited the 2 of us and not his teenage children. I've confronted the couple about this but they can't see how unreasonable they are. DP and I are going to arrange for them to attend the evening do because after the wedding breakfast, who's going to notice two more people?

SIL has had a meltdown. Poor aunty Agnes has hayfever and sneezed during the ceremony. SIL held it together just about but was full on glaring at the front row. Who knows what a scowl she'll have on her face in the photos. Either way, just when you think you've survived it, she's been heard by my family loudly complaining about how she couldn't be in the moment with that racket going on

HollyGibney · 03/06/2018 23:24

Ive been on MN for years. This thread and most of the responses on it rank amongst some of the most ridiculous I have ever seen. I think the potential SIL behaviour was utterly pathetic. I think there is nothing wrong with turning up to see your own family FOUR hours after The Event they didn't want you at. I'd tell them to grow up and stick their wedding and then leave them to their am dram antics. How exhausting and actually painful to come from a family who would behave like this, but given the many responses laying into the OP, it seems there's a lot of them about.

With all that said, I am not sure about this thread, it all seems rather...unrealistic.

JessieMcJessie · 03/06/2018 23:25

Yes, RedDog but why would an inappropriately-timed introduction RUIN an engagement announcement? It’s not as if OP was yelling”Sharon meet the lovely Kayleigh and Ella-Mae” just as her brother was announcing the engagement! At most it would be a minor annoyance on a joyful sunny day.

Gabilan · 03/06/2018 23:29

I am now more grateful than ever that I have friends and family who would welcome with open arms me and any bugger I turned up with and see it as an opportunity to forge new friendships and relationships.

Oh god yes. And frankly, if I ever got engaged, my mum would invite about 60 million people anyway.

NotMyFinestMoment · 03/06/2018 23:31

You were unbelievably rude and showed a complete and utter lack of respect for your family. No matter how many times you were told no, you still forced the issue and in the meantime, made yourself look like a fool and embarrassed your DP and his children. It doesn't matter what you thought the dinner was about. What you think (or not) is irrelevant. It was not your dinner and it was not for you to dictate the terms on which you attended and then have the arrogance and bad attitude to adapt the terms to suit yourself. It's time to eat some humble pie and apologise profusely and hope it blows over.

JessieMcJessie · 03/06/2018 23:34

She didn’t take them to the dinner notmyfinestmoment.

BadLad · 03/06/2018 23:36

The immense fuck up youve created.

truly horrible person

Grin Fucking hell, some of the posters on here are even bigger overreacting drama queens than the fiancée.

OP, you made a social cock-up. These things happen. Send them a nice congratulations card and move on. No need to send all three of flowers, chocolates and champagne. That would probably just feed the fiancee's drama (see how guilty she feels after ruining my special moment).

You can't really win regarding your partner's kids' reactions. The elder one is mortified - people will beat you up for causing it. The younger one is finding it funny - how dare you not jump on her for her rudeness (ignoring the fact that the target of the mocking is miles away).

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/06/2018 23:37

OP I accept that you feel bad about this, and you can see that you were in the wrong but your "apology" is

  1. all about you and 2) just a bunch of threats.

"I have said that I won’t blame her for not inviting me to wedding. If she doesn’t acccept my apologies I will stop any attempt from my family to intercede on my behalf. I most definitely won’t turn up. "

THIS IS NOT AN APOLOGY in any sense. it is a threat.

You are spelling out to your future SIL, that you won't come to her wedding and will make a big fuss if your family try to pursuade you, which you expect them to do.

and having caused a stir at the engagement, you are now spelling out to her that you will be making the wedding all about you as well. Everyone will have to plead with you to go to it and not spoil their day. This is not going to gain you the sympathy of your family. This is going to lose you any sympathy they may have.

Some of these comments on this thread have been harsh, and I believe that you are sorry, but I think the harsh comments are because whilst being unhappy at the outcome and the drama caused, you still don't seem to see your own part in it.

Please think about why you included the comments about the younger daughter doing impressions of your SIL and laughing about it.. that was you trying to say indirectly that you thought SIL's reaction was ridiculous because the teenager did too. And therefore that your error was minor. It wasn't. Sorry OP.

BadLad · 03/06/2018 23:37

@HollyGibney couldn't agree more.

pieceofpurplesky · 03/06/2018 23:38

I think the timing is the issue for the SIL. OP says they announced it a split second before they entered the side gate. Had he just proposed? I would be really pissed off to.

Bouledeneige · 03/06/2018 23:38

I think you were rude to deliberately ignore their wishes. And very rude to your partner and his kids to put them in a position where you knew they weren't invited and were not welcome.

I too am stumped as to why you did that. Do you normally completely ignore other peoples' wishes.

I think your family are a bit odd too. But it wouldn't have happened if you hadnt ignored what they wanted and decided you knew best. Just weird.

teachergirl2011 · 03/06/2018 23:39

No her reaction is not unreasonable it was her get together!! The OP should not have done this she was told "No" a number of times and still went ahead. She was told by her Brothers OH they would arrange something in the future! Not everyone wants kids at occasions particularly when they aren't family!!!

RedDogsBeg · 03/06/2018 23:43

Jessie I think it's the OP's stubborn refusal to respect her brother and his girlfriend when they say no (repeatedly) that ruined the day. Like others I don't think we have been told whole story, I'm not convinced the girlfriend ran upstairs crying the moment she set eyes on the OP.

Whatever the event, even it had just been a lunch, it is unbelievably self-centred and rude to try to insist on bringing people to someone else's home who they have asked you not to. The OP was determined to use this as an opportunity for everyone to meet her partner's children hence making the whole thing all about her, her partner and the children.

Gabilan · 03/06/2018 23:44

You are spelling out to your future SIL, that you won't come to her wedding and will make a big fuss if your family try to pursuade you, which you expect them to do

From the OP:

Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited

The girlfriend doesn't want the OP there. The OP is making it clear she will comply with her wishes.

Moleskinediary · 03/06/2018 23:44

Am I missing something? This wasn't the engagement? This was just telling the families? Is having a party for this a thing now?

Amaried · 03/06/2018 23:45

My god. What were you thinking. You come across slightly unhinged yo be honest . Why were you so obsessed at having them there?
I think you have permanently damaged your relationship with your new Sil and do

JessieMcJessie · 03/06/2018 23:45

Yeah but it’s not like the family would all have turned away from the happy couple to fawn over the teens is it? If anything STBSIL would have the last laugh as her engagement would have deflected all interest from the teens.

pallisers · 03/06/2018 23:46

I'd tell them to grow up and stick their wedding and then leave them to their am dram antics.

Yes, I'm sure you would which is why I'm sure they'd be relieved at you departing the scene.

Ski40 · 03/06/2018 23:47

Good grief, the drama. That will be a very interesting wedding indeed.
I feel sorry for the uninvited partner and kids... how horrible for them, mainly... 😨

NotMyFinestMoment · 03/06/2018 23:48

@JessieMcJessie yes you are right, my mistake, but if someone is having a dinner/meal/function or whatever, you still don't turn up even 4 hours later with the people that you were specifically told not to bring. The event could be still ongoing or coming to an end and the host/hostess trying to wind down afterwards. All of that really though is irrelevant. If the OP wants to introduce her DP and his DC to her family, she should have held her own meal/get together and not hijacked somebody else's. It all does sound OTT though.

pallisers · 03/06/2018 23:49

Is having a party for this a thing now?

No. it isn't. But having a party where you decide who is invited has been a thing for centuries. Memo on this didn't seem to reach the OP but luckily the event has taught her differently. But seems there are loads of MNers who think people shouldn't be able to chose whom they invite. I suspect this new rule doesn't apply to them though.

Bibesia · 03/06/2018 23:50

I think there is nothing wrong with turning up to see your own family FOUR hours after The Event they didn't want you at.

But they did want OP there, Holly. Why don't you acknowledge that fact? They just didn't want her partner and his children at this particular event.

Witchend · 03/06/2018 23:51

The bit about being told no 4 times was essentially one text conversation lasting maybe 3 minutes.
So you texted SIL twice and got replies, then texted your dbro and received a reply, spoke to your dm, who then spoke to your bro who phoned you back... all in the space of 3 minutes.

That's some going.

boilerhouse2007 · 03/06/2018 23:52

''Like the OP I would also have assumed that 4 hours after the meal time everyone would be just relaxing or even have started to leave and it wouldn't be a big deal to just call in and introduce the girls to the family.''

Yep this, that is why this thread is being blown massively out of all proportion.

Ruffian · 03/06/2018 23:52

if someone is having a dinner/meal/function or whatever, you still don't turn up even 4 hours later with the people that you were specifically told not to bring

You make it sound as if db/future-sil had banned op's partner and dc - they said they 'couldn't accomodate them' which op interpreted to mean there wouldn't be enough space for them. So turning up 4 hours later, long after the end of the meal, to say hello and introduce dc seems perfectly understandable.