To have ruined brother’s engagement

[Illuminati12]

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

That's the point I'm making BBJ

The OP has used both terms, like most people she uses them interchangeably.

She's been told he's not her partner.

So um, not everyone believes she's the right person to ask.

And another thing OP - if your sil goes on to have a baby do not turn up uninvited to the delivery suite at the hospital.

Just because the op didn’t know it was an engagement doesn’t make it any better. She was explicitly told not to bring everyone. She did anyway. The ONLY reason she feels bad is because it turns out it was something special and she’s fucked it up.

Besides we don’t know the backstory. There could be history between the dB or sil and ops partner which is why they didn’t want him at their special event. Who knows?

The only thing that is certain is that the op will have painted the story from their perspective - and that tends to show the op in a rather better light than the other people. We don’t know what the brother and sil are thinking and what else is going on.

I agree on the face of it the sil looks like a massive overreaction. But we only have what the op has told us. Who knows what has led up to this point.

The ops initial self centered posts only reinforce the fact that I bet she has done stuff like this before. Made everything about her. Which is why the sil - and the ops entire family - reacted this way.

Brother could easily have said 'look, sister, I do value you and your partner and we really would like to meet his daughters but I'm about to propose and think another occasion might be more suitable, am sure you understand'.

But why on earth should he? OP has made it clear that he stressed to her more than once that the invitation was for her only. Why should he have told her he planned to propose before telling his partner?

What I don't understand is how OP claims to have done this "totally without thought". It's pretty clear that she thought about it a lot but decided to go ahead anyway.

Daddystepdaddy

So compromising now is just taking unreasonable positions and rolling back on them a bit?

Its called give and take, in this the OP wanted to take all and give nothing back. So as to who was being unreasonable is an opinion.

Sounds like Trump's approach to diplomacy.

Really not sure what you are trying to say here.

I don't understand the lashing op is getting, she's admitted she was wrong - in the op!

She posted in AIBU and the title of her post suggests that she thinks that at least she's a little in the right.

Angling for an invite for her bf and kids (3 or 4 times?) then declining probably had the brother and his fiancée already pissed off with OP. Did you say that you were on your way at 4:30? Nothing hated more on MN than a surprise family guest at your door OP.

I hope that the fiancée calms down because there's lots of stress coming up in her life like the wedding, potential babies....

Has the OP explained why she didn't organise her own event and wanted to piggyback her brother and his fiancée's get together?

@Bubblegumfactory The DB and GF did say they couldn't accommodate the DP and children but were looking forward to meeting them at a later stage. They didn't need to go into details why. Surely the OP should have respected that.

I am now more grateful than ever that I have friends and family who would welcome with open arms me and any bugger I turned up with and see it as an opportunity to forge new friendships and relationships.
Drama, control and flouncing are just not for me.

I think it’s bollocks to say that OP arriving at the side gate of the garden with her boyfriend and his teens in tow is “stealing the fiancée’s thunder”. Everyone would have been happy and full of congratulations, how did the arrival of two teens take the shine off that? When we announced our engagement I was so happy that I wanted the world and his wife to know, frankly. Would not have cared a jot that some people I hadn’t yet been introduced to were in the garden at the time.
OP was a bit dim not to take the hint but the fiancée sounds like a nut job.

Hope she accepts your apology op. If you're still reading this just take on board the advice you've had and stop beating yourself up. It's done now, nobody is perfect.

I am now more grateful than ever that I have friends and family who would welcome with open arms me and any bugger I turned up with and see it as an opportunity to forge new friendships and relationships.

This with bells on.

Surely in most normal familes everyone would've been invited and even if b5ot, upon the surprise arrival of OP & Co., most normal people would have just got on with it and enjoyed celebrating their happy news rather than throwing a hissy fit.

What Jessie said. With bells on.

Can I just ask, all the siblings on both sides were allowed to bring their partners but you wasn’t?

I would have thought that after 18 months together your partner would be thought of as your family, therefore included in a family event.

They did not have to invite OPs BF to their home and to their private event. That's not rude.
Op wasn't obligated to come. If she was annoyed that the invites didn't extend as far as she wanted them she shuts the hell up and stays away.

She forced this all on them. I'd be furious if I was SIL. It's not just what happened it's the principle.

18 months would not place someone in my family category. Not even close.
Cordial, friendly. Maybe even fond.

But I would not automatically include them in intimate or memorable moments.

You all sound odd 🙄

Taylor22

So you would rather upset your sibling than invite their BF/GF or 18 months to your family event because 'they aren't close to being family' despite them clearly being important to someone who is your family?

Cool...

Oh dear, you really shouldn't have taken your partner and his kids. Whatever you thought about the situation, your brother and his gf had asked you not to, and to cap it all you arrived at the worst possible moment. This is embarrassing for all concerned, especially your DP and his kids, they must have felt dreadful. I think you need to do some grovelling all round, by the sounds of it...but perhaps learn from this!

You’d have to be REALLY uptight to allow your engagement party to be completely ruined, as this woman did, by the arrival of a couple of excess teens. Ooooh I am so obsessed with the PRINCIPLE of the thing that I’ll allow this to be the dominant issue at this happy time. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.

I met, married and had a child with my dh all in the space of 18 months, 6 years ago. - if he wasn’t thought of as part of my family I would be genuinely upset. As it is I’m lucky as my family welcomed him (and his 2 dds) into the brood and never excluded him.

Like the OP I would also have assumed that 4 hours after the meal time everyone would be just relaxing or even have started to leave and it wouldn't be a big deal to just call in and introduce the girls to the family.

Jessie the brother and girlfriend had never met the children before and felt this was not an appropriate occasion for a first time meet and greet, (they explicitly said they would like to meet them another time) a perfectly reasonable choice for them to make and one which the OP should have had the good manners and grace to respect.

I’d be betting this marriage will be a rip roaring success! She certainly loves her drama, she’ll fit right in

FWIW, no you were wrong to go, but they were spectacularly precious not including your bf and his kids, they should have said come for later, the more the merrier.