Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have ruined brother’s engagement

999 replies

Illuminati12 · 03/06/2018 17:41

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

OP posts:
nokidshere · 03/06/2018 22:27

nokidshere

I can perhaps see the rationale with the kids as they hadn't met them. But to not invite the OP's DP of 18 months is pretty off. I've been in this situation and it is difficult to take it other than a massive slight.

I know, that's what I said Confused

starryeyed19 · 03/06/2018 22:27

Also, what was the deleted post?

I completely agree with a PP - we all know someone like this IRL and wish we could just shout "THIS. IS. NOT. ABOUT. YOU" at them

Glovesick · 03/06/2018 22:28

Not RTWT.

YWBVVVU.

Own up. Apologise. Explain but don't justify. Accept the consequences (not invited to wedding or whatever). Show you have learnt something from this by never doing it again.

You can't force you DP and his daughters on your family. They will eventually want to meet them when they are ready. Might be a lot longer before they are ready after this incident...

It is not the end of the world.

BubblegumFactory · 03/06/2018 22:29

Crazy shit? Turning up to say hello to your own family? Seriously?
MN tells males what to do? WTF?
Brother gets engaged then is incapable of normal communication with his own sister? Nah, not having that bollocks.
I don't think I've ever read a thread on MN that I have disagreed with so much. (Apart from Ruffian, Chocolatedoll and a handful of other sane voices)

ChocolateDoll · 03/06/2018 22:30

So how come me the OPs partner is not ‘family’??

SIL is not SIL yet, so how come she gets to be classed as ‘family’? And so much so that she gets to decide who else is in or out of the ‘family’ for special occasions?

OP - she will make your brother’s life he’ll while they are planning the wedding. Can you imagine it? Everything that doesn’t go her way.....”well......I’m not marrying you then.

TheDowagerCuntess · 03/06/2018 22:32

What is so unreasonable about the op popping in to see her family on a Sunday afternoon, and taking her partner and kids with her?

Absolutely nothing - and if this was how it had played out, it would be fine.

Add in the OP asking to bring everyone along 4 times before (and being told no 4 times), and it does become pretty unreasonable.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/06/2018 22:36

BubblegumFactory
Crazy shit? Turning up to say hello to your own family? Seriously?

When you know that it will spoil someonelse's plans, then yes its crazy shit.

MN tells males what to do? WTF?

You can't have been here long if you don't know that the standard response to a male that doesn't support his partner is 'DH problems'

Brother gets engaged then is incapable of normal communication with his own sister? Nah, not having that bollocks.

He did communicate with her, He said no, (she was told four or five times) he even compromised and said that her "partner" could come. Yet she didn't take him up on the offer.

So consider whoever you like to be "sane", but you would be ignoring what the OP herself has put in her posts. I particularly like the "running away in tears", Its just enough to make various posters take her side.

TheDowagerCuntess · 03/06/2018 22:37

Crazy shit? Turning up to say hello to your own family? Seriously?

Did you miss the asking 4 times to bring others bit...

Daddystepdaddy · 03/06/2018 22:38

@BoneyBackJefferson why is 'allowing' her boyfriend of 1.5 years to come when other partners are invited any sort of compromise? It is what should have happened in the first place!

Aridane · 03/06/2018 22:40

SEND FLOWERS TO THE GIRLFRIEND.

Do not sign them from your partners and his children. Just from you.

Grin
aaeg22 · 03/06/2018 22:41

I'm in the minority obviously, but I don't think you were being unreasonable. They couldn't accommodate you at the meal, so you turned up 4 hours after. It was also rude of your Brother not to invite your DP/Boyfriend who you have been with for 18 months, that is hardly a new relationship. Your future SiL sounds a complete nightmare.

You won't get much sympathy on MN, where people are encouraged to go NC over the slightest perceived insult, requires family and friends to book up 2 weeks before visiting and is generally just odd with family. IRL most families would have had no problem with a sibling turning up with their family.

If I was you, I'd sent a card/flowers to make an effort to patch things up and see what happens.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/06/2018 22:41

Daddystepdaddy

Its a compromise because they went from no to yes on the partner, but still no to the children.

The DB and GF moved in their position. Its more than what the OP was prepared to do.

AskAuntLydia · 03/06/2018 22:41

He isn't your Partner, he is a Boyfriend.

Really? Who gets to decide what's the difference?

Is there a definition?

NC4Now · 03/06/2018 22:41

And the fact this would be introducing the children to the family. That’s quite a big occasion in itself.
They have clearly reached that stage in the relationship but to do it at a time they had already been told was inappropriate was wrong for everyone.

BubblegumFactory · 03/06/2018 22:42

OP did not know about the 'engagement' so could not have known she was 'spoiling' anything.
I have been here about 14 years.
Brother could easily have said 'look, sister, I do value you and your partner and we really would like to meet his daughters but I'm about to propose and think another occasion might be more suitable, am sure you understand'.
He didn't.

kaytee87 · 03/06/2018 22:42

SIL is not SIL yet, so how come she gets to be classed as ‘family’?

It was her house 😂😂

kaytee87 · 03/06/2018 22:43

SIL is not SIL yet, so how come she gets to be classed as ‘family’?

It was her house 😂😂

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/06/2018 22:43

AskAuntLydia

you could ask the OP

Her DB's Fiancee, is still not his partner (or fiancee) but his Girlfriend according to her.

AlbertaSimmons · 03/06/2018 22:44

As others have said, there's a) a backstory of behaviour here that we're not getting and b) a big chunk of missing info about why sis had to drive OP home. I imagine the gap could be filled with the massive row that ensued when the DB and fiancee told OP to sling her hook, with her protesting all the while that she "didn't realise", "had no idea" etc, to the point where bride-to-be's DM read the texts back in a vain attempt to get through OP's double-thickness noggin.

BettyPitts · 03/06/2018 22:45

If this is genuine ( I'm struggling to think that anyone could think what you did was appropriate behaviour) then yeah you've fucked up.

The gf will never forgive you. You may as well buy a long white dress to gatecrash the wedding in and be done with it.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/06/2018 22:45

BubblegumFactory

Brother could easily have said 'look, sister, I do value you and your partner and we really would like to meet his daughters but I'm about to propose and think another occasion might be more suitable, am sure you understand'.

Why should he have to? They wanted it to be a surprise for everyone.

Whatshallidonowpeople · 03/06/2018 22:46

You all sound like a bunch of over dramatic idiots

tiddliewinkiewoo · 03/06/2018 22:46

Hell's teeth - 24 pages later and still gobsmacked at the drama from not only OP and the SIL but some MN posters!

Yes OP was out of order. SIL is a huge drama lama.

Banning her future husband's sister from the wedding though? Really?? Get out of it!

Thanks feck I have a 'normal' family Grin

Boredandtired · 03/06/2018 22:47

This is all really odd. It's sounds like although OP had been dating her boyfriend for 18 months, he's not become part of the family and in all that time no ones met the 2 teenagers. So it does sound like they are not very close. Initially on saying she would bring her new little family to the gathering, this was turned down. I can understand feeling a little put out but to keep pushing the point? Also it's evident the couple doing the inviting, had both their families coming, and surely OP would be wanting the teenage girls to meet her own family first not her brother's girlfriends?
It does all sound ridiculous but I can see the brother's girlfriend easily thinking you'd just done it on purpose and not listened to anything anyone said, which is rude.
I'd send a card (and to her parents) apologising, flowers and back off.

Daddystepdaddy · 03/06/2018 22:47

@BoneyBackJefferson

So compromising now is just taking unreasonable positions and rolling back on them a bit? Sounds like Trump's approach to diplomacy.

Swipe left for the next trending thread