To have ruined brother’s engagement

[Illuminati12]

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

I can understand sil's level of frustration. OP made 4 attempts to override the lack of invitation in the lead up to the event and then barged in anyway. That would make me feel completely voiceless if I was sil and I would be questioning the brother,/fiancé's ability to manage boundaries with his family.

OP no means no. You do not know better than everyone else. Crashing through other people's intentions will ensure people seething at you and ultimately excluding you so they can get on with their lives .

Personally, I think the SIL (to be.....well maybe) was the nutter in this scenario.

Why so precious and unwelcoming just for an engagement announcement?!

Can you imagine what a nightmare she’s going to be over the wedding?

I’m not at all sure what OP is trying to achieve by posting this.

@Ruffian I just meant, maybe they would have preferred to spend some time with just them and their dad? I obviously don't know the details and how often they see him without the OP or whatever, it was just something that struck me

WHAT WAS THE DELETED POST I NEED TO KNOW!

Whilst it does sound as if the sil2b over reacted somewhat this was to be a special moment for her. OP says db has been married before but this is her first time. I too am a "second wife" and it's hard knowing that what should be shared firsts have been done by him before. First engagement, first wedding, first baby etc. She would have been stressed our with their first attempt at entertaining and the disappointment at having her moment spoiled as all attention turned to the gatecrashers was probably too much for her.

Apologise op and hope she gets over it before the wedding.

What is so unreasonable about the op popping in to see her family on a Sunday afternoon, and taking her partner and kids with her?

Knowing that the family would all be there having had a meal 4 HOURS earlier just makes it a nice time to pop round, no?

OP’s partner and kids sound lovely and obviously turned up hoping to meet the family and do all niceties. Why would they have wanted to go otherwise?

Now OPs family look like complete nutters. OPs partner and poor kids must be thinking wtf?!??

DILS mother and father regularly turn up uninvited when we have family events, birthdays, bbqs . We just grit our teeth, smile nicely and offer them our hospitality. This family were all out of order to be honest.

In case you're still reading...telling us about how ill it's making you feel goes back to making it about you.

You don't have a time machine. You can't go back and change it. You can try and avoid making it worse.

1)Apologise to your DB and his DF. Your message must not include the words "but", "if", "maybe", "perhaps", "only thought", "invite" or "wedding". I would suggest something like: Congratulations on your engagement. I wish you all the happiness for the future. I am very sorry I managed to muck things up. I was an idiot. I am sorry. Congratulations again.

2)Apologise to your DP and his daughters for any embarrassment. Tell the younger one that it was your fault that the DF was upset, and you'd appreciate it if she stopped taking the proverbial.

3)Apologise for your mum for the upset. Again, don't do the ifs and buts. And don't in any way ask her to get involved.

4)Send your DSILTB flowers.

Resist any temptation to make more intrusive contact. Make yourself a nice cup of tea, and maybe eat some cake. Take a deep breath and tell yourself no one died.

Imagine being so precious about an engagement announcement that you were only allowed to hear it if you were ON THE LIST.

What does it matter who hears it? Or who hears it 2 minutes later? Having heard the news, at what point would you then be allowed to tell anybody else? Is there a strict list for this as well?

And I thought I was a control freak

She sounds truly crazy.

To be fair to the OP, she didn’t know it was an engagement party.

I think as we clearly can see the op has told a few lies on this thread to make herself look better it's not outwith the realms of belief that the bride to be didn't just catch sight of her, burst into tears and run upstairs. Something is likely missing here.

Not unless there is a big Part of the story missing. Which there could well be, with all the asking and upset before hand then her not coming to the meal, then turning up late with them all in tow.

In my experience people don't just catch sight of you then run away crying, not without good reason.

But that's not true is it, you state in your op, you texted with rhe fiancée. You then texted rhe brother, because she said no, you then later tell us you called your mother to tell her you were upset about it, she called your brother and your brother called you to stress again it wasn't possible. It was very far from one text conversation. You had a conversation with three people about it, in your own words were very upset and were still upset at lunch before going to their house.

This - what Bluntness said. You are still lying and minimising OP. Just stop it. If this is how you excuse your behaviour then I can imagine your SIL to be has had her fill of it and today was just the icing on the cake.

I don't understand the lashing op is getting, she's admitted she was wrong - in the op!

GF sounds horrendous though what an absurd reaction, threatening not to marry him
Imagine what she's going to be like as a bride, I'd stay well away op

Pleased to hear you've said sorry, but I don't get the impression that you REALLY understand why this was such a bad thing to do.

You seem much more concerned about how bad YOU feel, not how the GF and your family feel. This is NOT about you, but about them and THEIR feelings. Your BF of 18 months is NOT family. Neither are his daughters - however lovely they are.

Please, please have a good, long, hard look at how you treat other people. You need to have more care for their feelings. If you don't do this, you will not be invited to the wedding and will probably be excluded from future family events. BFs come and go. Family is forever.

I am taken aback at the vitriol levelled at the OP on this thread. The abuse chucked in her direction is totally out of proportion to the 'crime'.
Ok so rocking up when you knew the partner and kids were not invited was maybe not your best decision but I can understand you not anticipating the reaction you received.
Your SIL- to-be sounds like proper hard work, and definitely not my kind of gal. Running off and crying? Not getting married if you're invited? FFS, grow the fuck up love.
And where is your brother in all this? Is he also a drama queen? I don't get why he could not have had a conversation about the day with you when he knew you were asking about your partner and his kids? He could have easily let you know what was going on and avoided all the feckin childish secrecy.
As PPs have already said, this sounds like a massive storm in a teacup, whipped up by people who love drama.
I could not be arsed with that shit.
I think an apology is probably needed, but don't go over- apologising as it will make you look like you deliberately tried to sabotage her 'special moment' and I don't think you did.

ChocolateDoll

As I posted before

weeks to plan
two weeks of moaning by the OP
OP deciding not to go
OP deciding to randomly turn up with every one.

Everything has been made about the OP by the OP.

jaxhog

BF of 18 months. Entirely reasonable to expect an invite where other siblings partners are in attendance.

I would never dream of not inviting my BIL's GF to a family event like that just because they aren't married.

Family may be forever, but you don't get to choose them, only how much time you spend with them.

The thing that I find the most shocking is that the OP started an AIBU thread 🙈

I don’t really get the drama though. The OP was really thoughtless and rude to but nobody died.... non of it matters really. The OP apologised. 🤷🏻‍♀️

BubblegumFactory

And where is your brother in all this?

Maybe he is with his wife to be, because isn't that what MN generally tells males to do. Back their partners up when families pull crazy shit like this.

"nokidshere they're not step children  op and her boyfriend don't even live together and she only met the kids a few months ago."

Just splitting hairs. Anyone who doesn't invite their sisters partner after they have been together 18 months is, quite frankly, someone to avoid.

Children are just children regardless of who they belong too.

I would not turn any one of my sisters away from a family event regardless of who they brought along.

YWNBU - not really 💐

You popped around 4 hours after the ‘event’ was scheduled, how were you to know it would still be a problem?

They were incredibly rude not to invite your DP and his girls. They are YOUR family as much as your siblings partners etc.

Your brother’s girlfriend is a complete drama queen and I hope when he calms down he can start to see that. Saying she won’t marry him if you are there is batshit.

I think op is getting a hard time because we all know that one person who just has no boundaries or self awareness, who ruins everything, who never learns, who on the rare occasion when they absolutely can’t wriggle out of being in the wrong goes so over the top with performative remorse that the person who is the wronged party ends up feeling emotionally blackmailed etc etc and we all just want to be like ffs WHY??? WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?????

It’s a Diana-like outpouring of collective emotion right here right now

She's also not explaining about the boyfriend and kids leaving and her staying on, about why rhe mother had to read the text messages out and the sister having to leave to drive her home. She ruined their party and knows it.

There is nothing unreasonable about not having the space or wanting the boyfriends kids there who you've never met, when telling family you're getting engaged.

As said though, I don't think she's being completely honest here. I imagine because it casts her in an even worse light.

She totally stole her brother and his fianceé's thunder, come on! It may seem silly or ridiculous to some people but occasions like that should be respected if the people involved have gone to the effort of a meal or a gathering. Someone I know had their sibling announce their engagement at my friend's 30th birthday. Their sibling could have picked any other day but my friend's birthday. But that was the day he picked. And they were just talking about looking at rings!

It was up to the brother and his fiancée who they invited. Maybe they don't know the OPs partner that well. Maybe they haven't met him very often. It was their choice who to invite.

She was totally in the wrong and she knows it. Plus, she dragged her partner's kids into it too!

It's just bad form all round.