To have ruined brother’s engagement

[Illuminati12]

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

nokidshere

I can perhaps see the rationale with the kids as they hadn't met them. But to not invite the OP's DP of 18 months is pretty off. I've been in this situation and it is difficult to take it other than a massive slight.

The OP's mistake was to 'drop by' in my opinion, better off out of it really.

So, unless there is a back story of OP's bad behaviour (which there could be), then this is six of one and half a dozen of the other, just as most family bust ups are.

I’d avoid the damn lot of them. The wedding will be a farce and will end up with someone being arrested.

I agree Dowager...I can also imagine that the being asked repeatedly caused friction or arguments especially when OP basically said "well I'm not coming then" So she has already ruined what was their wishes to announce engagement...and then to just turn up...well I would be cross as well. Not to react as OP describes SIL did, but I can imagine it was a cloud hanging over the day anyway and then for OP to expressly go against what they had asked to happen on their own home...

If you were so keen for everyone to meet your partner's children why didn't you organize your own event?
If your brother's GF reacted as you said, she may have had a glass to many of champers and you arrived and brought the high of the moment to a crashing low and she was bitterly disappointed.
As others have said you asked and were refused 4 times then you got your mum to ask (why was the hint missed) again you were refused
So you decided to rescind your acceptance and announced you weren't coming, and just as everyone was there to appreciate the special moment you come along unexpectedly and made it about you.

Jeez what a lot of drama. I’d hate to see how your family all react to something major happening.

Op, you fucked up by turning up with the kids in the first place when you’d already been told no they couldn’t be accommodated. No idea why you didn’t just go to the meal yourself and organise an event at yours for a future date for the family to come meet the kids. Not really on to try and turn their dinner party into a meet n greet.

SILs reaction however, was totally over the top. Running off crying, saying she won’t marry him if you’re invited? Most people would have rolled their eyes, and had a word after the event. It was an engagement announcement, not the bloody proposal. All this talk of her “perfect event”, op wasn’t to know that was going to be happening. What would she have done if the window cleaner had decided to knock on at that moment? Told him to shove his squeegee where the sun don’t shine?

I get you didn’t know there was going to be an announcement, but stop with the self flagellation. Send some flowers with an apology then back off a bit. Don’t keep on grovelling.

@nokidshere they're not step children op and her boyfriend don't even live together and she only met the kids a few months ago.

I am overwhelmed with the responses. I think I am going to bow out now. I know what I did was dreadful. I very genuinely did not mean any harm. I have never had a problem with her or they with my partner. In stark black and white everything looks awful. The bit about being told no 4 times was essentially one text conversation lasting maybe 3 minutes.
I am taking everything on the chin but don’t know how I can explain everything without being accused of justifying my behaviour. I just thought nothing would matter 3 hours after meal.
There is no backstory and I didn’t go to disrespect anybody or even have a hint that this was anything other than a family meal. Thank you to those who were sympathetic to me not that I resent those who weren’t.
I think if I were a truly horrible person I would not be reacting this way. I genuinely feel ill about it.

When it is Dads weekend with his daughters that is it, he should spend time doing stuff with them not pandering to you. If you carry on like this you will have his ex wife complaining too.

Oh come on op you've started this thread so people will reassure you that it's not that bad. Your brother told you repeatedly and clearly he didn't want the girls there, first you got mummy involved then you turned up anyway. You were rude and had no respect for what other people wanted.

Yeah the fact the OP only met her boyfriend 26 weeks ago, makes this all the worse somehow.

But the SIL does not come out of this smelling of honeysuckle does she really?! Sounds like a petulant spoilt brat. Wah wah wah...........!!!

Fuck's sake!

Don't worry too much about the thread OP. At the rate things are going, it will reach 1000 messages by midnight, and will allow no more messages anyway!

You feel ill about it because you’re an attention-seeking drama queen.

Aren’t you going to answer the question about how your sister ended up having to drive you home?

You should not have turned up with them. You were told it was family only. While you were annoyed, you should have just accepted it. There are other times for your family to meet boyfriend and his kids. However, you brother's girlfriend does sound a bit unhinged and immature.

You probably shouldn't have gone with the girls as you had already been told no, but her reaction seams a bit extreme to me.

The bit about being told no 4 times was essentially one text conversation lasting maybe 3 minutes

But that's not true is it, you state in your op, you texted with rhe fiancée. You then texted rhe brother, because she said no, you then later tell us you called your mother to tell her you were upset about it, she called your brother and your brother called you to stress again it wasn't possible. It was very far from one text conversation. You had a conversation with three people about it, in your own words were very upset and were still upset at lunch before going to their house.

OP has been well and truly told off. Give her a break now!

I think you've been a good sport to even come back to the thread op.

Hope you can sort things out with your family.

pigeondujour

You are under the assumption that boyfriend equals close family member.

I don't think this thread should have been posted in AIBU - because at the outset the OP acknowledged she had been unreasonable

It is quite breathtaking though - and hard to imagine a scenario where you've been repeatedly told not to turn up and then turning up anyway.

There's something very unusual in the way OP is processing messages. Has this sort of thing happened before? Massively misjudging things (or not hearing things) to this extent is simply not normal, right?

You're still making it about you though.

One no should be sufficient. To then escalate it to your brother and your mum is horrendously bad behaviour. So disrespectful. And still you ignore the answer and turn up anyway.

You feel ill because you have been called out on your bad behaviour, not because you realise what you did was wrong. Very different thing.

This thread keeps on giving

The deleted post made me pmsl

I think you need to give yourself a break OP and some of these responses are over the top. No one died, your sister in law may have intimated you spoilt her big day but seriously if a few extra uninvited guests popping in just as an engagement is announced can do this what is she going to do if the flowers at the wedding are wrong or her hair doesn't turn out the way she wants it to. Massive over reaction.

You have apologised now just leave it and if things calm down invite your family over to yours to meet the DP and girls although they probably think your family are crazy now and your brothers future MIL along with them. I would feel an urge to tell the girlfriend to get a grip. She sounds like such a drama queen.

In future take invitations at face value. I would think most normal families would just go with the flow and welcome partners and sc but obviously not your brother and girlfriend. Her mum sounds the same so god help your brother. I see lots of potential problems there.

SEND FLOWERS TO THE GIRLFRIEND.

Do not sign them from your partners and his children. Just from you.

@Flyme21

I disagree, they should have invited her DP. 1.5 years is long enough to qualify for the 'WAGs/HABs' status that other siblings got. It smacks of thoughtlessness at the very least.

The kids I can understand at this time, but that would wear thin as time progressed.

Wow what an overreaction from your brother's fiancee!!! and for her now to say that you're not invited is just ridiculous!

Perhaps you were craving a bit of attention from your parents or maybe you just wanted them to know what your life was like now. Obviously it would have been better not to have taken your DP's kids but it really shouldn't have been that big a deal either.

Probably if I was in your position I would write an apology card to brother and his fiancee.

It's not a very promising sign for your brother's marriage if his fiancee is willing to block his sister from the wedding over a misunderstanding. Also your brother could have texted you privately saying that it was going to be a big/special moment but that he would meet the step-kids soon.

Sorry attention from your mother/siblings, not 'parents'.