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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have ruined brother’s engagement

999 replies

Illuminati12 · 03/06/2018 17:41

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

OP posts:
Nofunkingworriesmate · 03/06/2018 21:15

They are massively BU to invite Everyone else's partner and kids but not yours ( and for the hysterics)
You were massively BU to bring them anyway after being told no X5
Did your partner and kids know they were so unwelcome?
Apologies flowers and it may smooth over by the wedding

pictish · 03/06/2018 21:17

I agree - girlfriend sounds like she has her head jammed right up her own arse. Running off crying...good grief!

Roussette · 03/06/2018 21:19

Maybe she just walked upstairs.....

Bluntness100 · 03/06/2018 21:19

I note you refer to your brothers “girlfriend” even though they clearly live together yet you claim that the man you don’t live with and whose children you met less than six months ago is your “partner”.

Yes I noticed this. The brother and his partner live together and are engaged, but the op,calls her his girlfriend. However this bloke she's with, who she doesn't live with, isn't engaged to, and probably has been with less time, is apparantly her partner. Lending credence to her own relationship and minimising that of her brother.

Something caused you to behave like this. Either sheer bloody mindedness in getting your own way, and rhe sister in law is right, or it's something about your relationship and a desperation to be seen as serious. Or maybe do you view the sister in law as lesser than you, lower down in thr family chain, so had no right to tell you to not bring them? As she was rhe first to do so, so you went to war?

Do you know what caused you to do it, what was driving you?

tinyme77 · 03/06/2018 21:19

Reverse?

rosesandflowers · 03/06/2018 21:20

Haven't she and her boyfriend been together for almost 2 years? At that stage I'd consider them family … but then again, like I said, I wouldn't know.

Off to not even consider having them there. I understand an engagement is special, but it is strange, isn't it?

Or am I just overanalysing

findingmyfeet12 · 03/06/2018 21:21

This will surely end up in the Fail.

I've not seen a thread captivate mn like this in ages!

Rollonweekend · 03/06/2018 21:21

You need to go on a social etiquette course and both you and future SIL need to manage your emotions. This is not a civilised way to behave.

Andcake · 03/06/2018 21:22

YABU and you know it. You need to apologise and make amends. Otherwise even if sil is mad you will always come across worse.
Future sil knowing you were not at meal could have been dreading when and if you were turning up and who with - she is a bit over dramatic but maybe she was anxious about announcement or conflict between you and brother.

Why oh why did you not consider anyone else's PoV... The texts seemed reasonable not malicious.

bearbehind · 03/06/2018 21:23

I'm not agreeing with the OPs behaviour but she's clearly said she's been with bloke for 18 months so the Christmas referred to was 2016 not 2017

Bluntness100 · 03/06/2018 21:24

Off to not even consider having them there. I understand an engagement is special, but it is strange, isn't it?

Well no. They have been together 18 months and the brother and his fiancée have never even met the kids. This would not have been the time. She says the brother has met her boyfriend, but she doesn't go into detail more than stating that so clearly not close or considered family.

They basically said the boyfriend could come but it wasn't the right time for the kids as they didn't know them and couldn't accommodate anyway. I think that's fair.

pictish · 03/06/2018 21:25

If this was me I’d take responsibility and apologise profusely. I’d also silently have the gf down as a total drama queen and keep her at arms length overall.

rosesandflowers · 03/06/2018 21:26

^Well no. They have been together 18 months and the brother and his fiancée have never even met the kids. This would not have been the time. She says the brother has met her boyfriend, but she doesn't go into detail more than stating that so clearly not close or considered family.

They basically said the boyfriend could come but it wasn't the right time for the kids as they didn't know them and couldn't accommodate anyway. I think that's fair.^

In this scenario, yes. But one and a half years and you haven't met your sister's partner? Hmm

I can't help but think there's underlying problems and they've all come to a head here. This is all far too dramatic and tense to suddenly happen.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 03/06/2018 21:27

I’d also silently have the gf down as a total drama queen and keep her at arms length overall.

She's only a 'drama queen' because that's how the OP has painted her. I am confident that the description of her behaviour has been exaggerated greatly for sympathetic effect. Hmm

rosesandflowers · 03/06/2018 21:27

italics didn't work - sorry Blush

AnneEyhtMeyer · 03/06/2018 21:28

Whether they were going to announce their engagement or not is immaterial. It is not up to you to decide who is invited to an event someone else is organising, whatever the plans are or however ridiculous you think the request is.

You say you don't recognise yourself but I bet all of your family recognise you. You seem to have no self-awareness.

You were incredibly rude to question the invitation the first time, to the GF. The fact that you did question it and try to persuade her to invite your boyfriend and his family would have made me cross if I were the GF.

To then go to your brother would have been the final straw for me with you.

But no, you didn't get the answer you wanted so you tried to manipulate her by getting your mum involved. And when she quite rightly still stood up to you rather than accepting the truth you brought them along anyway.

If it were me I wouldn't want you anywhere near an event again, apology or not.

Bluntness100 · 03/06/2018 21:34

I can't help but think there's underlying problems and they've all come to a head here

I agree with you. I think the op doesn't like her future sister in law and the feeling is mutual.

The op knew they weren't invited and it was a small family gathering, so pointedly said they would all come. When the sister in law said no, she went on the war path, thinking it was her family and she could bring who she wished and rhe sister in law had no say, so tried to ruin it by not coming to the meal, then turning up late with them all in tow, showing she was queen bee.

Then sadly for the op, she got there and realised just how badly she'd misjudged it,,,

SugarPlumLairy · 03/06/2018 21:34

Has this been asked /answered yet?

You got yoursel, DP and his kids down there ok but Sis had to drive you home? Did you stay, cause a scene, please don't say you started throwing up and crying there so someone had to drive you away.

Even now, when you say her pain is greater than yours etc, it comes across as self pitying, martyr-ish. Do you not see how you make it ALL about you.

You need to just own what you did to your potential SIL. When you apologise she doesn't need to hear about YOUR feelings or intentions.
You own it, accept you fucked up and offer her however long she needs before she be around you.

" SIL, I'm sorry, I fucked up, it was selfish, I was thinking about my wants, I can't make it better but I will never do anything like this again. I understand and accept that you may not want me around. I hope in time I can prove I have changed and fix our relationship"

smithsinarazz · 03/06/2018 21:35

Tbh, I think the brother'll thank you one of these days. Yeah, you were a bit out of order, but the girlfriend's a lunatic. If he marries her she'll spend the run-up to the wedding being a complete bridezilla and pissing everyone off, and once she's got him safely married, unless he does exactly what she says for the foreseeable, his life won't be worth living.
Sure, apologise. It's the bigger thing to do. @Furx is right :)

TheDowagerCuntess · 03/06/2018 21:37

There has so got to be more to this, with brother's MIL-to-be coming down with girlfriend's phone, and reading out the messages to OP!

Not to mention refusing to marry if OP is there.

This has 'straw that broke the camel's back' written all over it.

Dopplerineffect · 03/06/2018 21:38

Semantics over the partner , girlfriend, boyfriend word. I use them
Interchangeably.

To me your other half ,no matter what is important to the person whether you live together or not. Seems a bit daft to have this new partner word.

Every day is a school day.

MaterialReality · 03/06/2018 21:40

I feel so sorry for those teenage girls. Going to dad's partner's family event and having it made so incredibly clear how unwelcome they were.

Yes, OP was BU to bring them after being told no, but running off and crying? Reading out the texts to prove they weren't wanted there? I'd have reacted much like the elder daughter, I think. Good for the younger one for being able to see the funny side!

OP, you were thoughtless, but the girlfriend was a complete drama llama who also didn't think about the feelings of the other people present, so you're both as bad as each other, I'd say. I don't really understand the strength of the reaction to you in this thread.

nokidshere · 03/06/2018 21:40

I can never understand the reluctance on here to treat step children as part of a new family. Fancy having a family occasion and leaving someone out. The op has been with her partner 18 months, that is not a new relationship and to not invite him but everyone else's spouses is out of order.

That said, I would not have gone to a party, family or otherwise, where my partner was not welcome and taking the children (teens?) was a huge mistake.

TheDowagerCuntess · 03/06/2018 21:40

...and you can bet that girlfriend will have said to brother, 'I absolutely guarantee Illuminati is going to turn up with everyone in tow', and then sure enough...

Halebeke425 · 03/06/2018 21:43

You all sound completely mad.

I'm really confused about this story. So you turned up uninvited, yes it was very rude and weird blah blah but she actually ran off crying at the sight of you all?

You/dp and girls must have form for being a pain in the arse if you arriving unannounced caused this much 'pain' and ruined everything for everyone.