To have ruined brother’s engagement

[Illuminati12]

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

Oh OP, what a terrible day!

You were bloody unlucky to turn up just as they had made the announcement! But it was an announcement, not the proposal, really don't see the need for such drama on her part.

Yes, you messed up, we all do at times, you've owned it and apologised, nothing else you can do.

Can completely see how it happened though - you see your DP and his girls as family, all family were invited to what appeared to be a normal family meal, except your DP and children. I can understand why you'd push to have your family there as well.

Dropping by several hours after said sit down meal to say hi and introduce the girls, again, can see how you thought that would be ok.

You are not evil, just unlucky and perhaps a bit self-absorbed (aren't we all at times!?). SIL definitely sounds like a massive bridezilla - if you hadn't fallen out over this, likely it would only be a matter of time until you fell out over something else.

Life is too short for such drama over nothing!

I am truly shocked at reading your post.

Whatever happened with your thinking to decide that it would be okay to bring them over after being told many times that they were not invited.

I don’t understand why you couldn’t go by yourself to the party. His children may have also liked to have some time with just their dad, quality time. Being a couple, whether you live together or not, does not mean you cannot do things separately.

I think you need to get a huge bunch of flowers, a sorry card and an engagement card and take them over to your brother and his fiancée with lots of grovelling apologies. You were out of order and need to admit it to them.

They were a bit over the top in their reaction which makes it seem as though there is a back story to this, but it was their party so they could invite who they liked, their choice not yours.

im pretty sure you didnt MEAN to hurt anyones feelings.
It sounds like you just didnt consider anyone elses feelings full stop

I think both sides are BU.

I can see how it might have been hurtful- I’ve been in similar circumstances before where it’s like your relationship just isn’t accepted and others are - but you can’t just gate crash. You should have just gone on your own. Why can’t you be apart from them for a few hours?

Then SIL is overreacting too. You didn’t ruin her engagement just an announcement and you didn’t know. She’s within her rights to be angry but went overboard saying she won’t get married if you’re there.

@BoneyBackJefferson all three of those choices assume that it's reasonable to invite your sister to a family dinner but exclude her boyfriend of 18 months. Which it really really isn't.

No one's covered themselves in glory but really this whole situation could have been avoided by the brother and girlfriend having a bit of generosity of spirit and replying to OP's first text with something like: "glad you can all make it, can't wait to see you - although we might have to squish a bit to all be seated for dinner. by the way it'll be a bit of an extra celebration because, drum roll, I've finally popped the question! Will tell you all about it on Saturday!"

They've pretty much created this situation by trying to cherry pick an audience for the formal announcement of something no one will be surprised by or very interested in beyond the prospect of a knees up.

You need to think about how you treat people. You clearly have form for this. Agree that this is probably first time you have been aware of how you hurt people by making it all about you.
Are you 12?

It is odd that you were so doggedly determined to take your partner and children over to their house after you'd had several refusals. The children weren't due to combust in a week, there would have been other opportunities. It's lovely that you are happy in your relationship, but it's not lovely to steamroller over other peoples plans and wishes.

The girlfriend does sound highly strung but maybe that's partly stress because of you petitioning her (several text messages according to your post), your brother and your mother to get them an invite when they wanted an intimate family gathering for a reason! Send them an apology letter and an engagement gift, and no more mention of "the lovely girls" for the time being (I expect they're not too keen to encounter your family for a while now anyway!)

@Illuminati12

You AND your SIL to be both sound like attention seeking drama queens who throw your dummy out of the pram when you don't get your own way.

You should really try and arrange to meet her and smooth things over; I reckon you are way more alike than you realise, and you will probably get on!!!

You should not have gone against their wishes TBF, but she behaved like a spoilt child IMO. I am embarrassed for her. What a weirdo!

First off stop the younger girl have you actually explained to them why the situation was what it was and apologised for putting them in the middle

You weren't thinking. I'd ring your brother up, or send him a nice text or card to apologise.

You were selfish, dramatic maybe, but you're right - not malicious. Generally I'm a believer that impact is more important than intention, and you have had an impact (not as huge as his girlfriend is making out though )

I'd try and smooth things over with your brother somehow, and not make contact with the girlfriend. It will only reassert that you are "pushy". Hopefully he'll bring her round so you can all get along as a family sooner or later.

Am I being stupid (hardly any experience of step-families) or is it strange they're so anti about your partner's kids?

I've gotta say, this is one of the reasons I would never try to organise a 'surprise' thing, as you just can't account for other people!

I'm not quite sure how someone ringing on the doorbell just after the announcement is supposed to spoil someone's entire engagement, I'd have thought most people would just laugh about it rather than crying and banning people from weddings. Unless there's some history here?

I'm not quite sure why OP didn't just text someone and say 'Have you finished with lunch, I was wondering if I could pop by with the kids to say hello and see the new place?' and maybe they might not have replied, maybe they would have said wait another half hour.

It's horrible to be misunderstood, but I think an apologetic card, then leave them alone for a good while until they calm down, or perhaps waiting a while and then inviting them to your place might seal the deal.

Has Jeremy Kyle picked this one up yet ?

I can't stand pushy people like you OP, shame you used your boyfriend's daughters in your power trip. Hopefully they will begin to see you in a different light.

I bet you knew there was going to be an announcement; perhaps your mother let on about it. I'd love to hear your sil's version of this, her mother showing you the texts smacks of blackboard and chalk time as you seem oblivious to your behaviour.

The only mature people here are the DPs kids.

That says a lot.

Interesting to see how this thread has gone.

Most people seem to have condemned you OP, which I think is a bit harsh. Refusing the invite and then bringing the girls was your mistake. Them not inviting your DP was theirs. Both show a lack of respect and that is something that needs to be discussed if you want your family to get over this.

Whilst I agree that it is entirely someone's choice who they invite to a family do like this, it is painfully obvious that it is not without consequence if you exclude certain people or value certain relationships over others.

Like I said before I had quite a long experience (several years) of being excluded from my DP's family events before we were married. It is quite difficult to bridge the subject as it is a bit of a potential touch paper issue, but it is better confronted than not. In my case it was a combination of lack of thinking (i.e. not realising how long we had been together) and some pretty traditional conservative views (that you weren't family until you were married).

I'm surprised at people saying it was ok to go after the meal!

If you've been told your dp's daughters are not invited to the meal (and dp was only invited because you pushed for it) surely it's embarrassing to turn up after the meal?

Why not go another day? Or invite them to yours to meet the girls?

If SIL to be is prepared to go through life holding such strong grudges I wish her luck with marriage 😂

Ring Jeremy Kyle. He will be happy to help.

You sound like my sister in law... and if so then this was prob the last straw for the girlfriend. Have you always been so self absorbed and given so little regard to your brother's feelings? How many other similar stunts have you pulled?

oh dear

"We are all entitled to our special moments in life and to share them with the people that matter to us"

Absolutely we are. What makes me uneasy about the SIL's reaction is the sheer inflexibility. It suggests a bit of an unrealistic attitude, veering towards perfectionism - the OP clearly spoilt her 'perfect' moment and she reacted with rage and upset. You can't micromanage real life and control it perfectly.

I dunno, it seems over the top to me. I think it was rude and hamfisted for the OP to go ahead and show up with uninvited guests, but the SIL seems childish to me at best or a spoilt princess at worst.

Boundaries are crucial and the OP didn't respect the boundaries laid out, for sure. However, the SIL chose to react in the way that she did, and that bit is her responsibility.

or is it strange they're so anti about your partner's kids?

They're not anti though are they..... the kids have met OP's mother and sisters, it was just on this occasion i was close family

Isadora2007 That's exactly how I thought this post would go!! 😂

OP you are an utter idot.

Why didn't you stop and think about your behaviour after you asked them several times if your boyfriend's kids could attend?

"it was a special moment ruined by strangers."

This has to be one of the most ridiculous things I've read. I do think you need to listen when people say"don't bring X", but they totally overreacted and his girlfriend sounds demented.