To have ruined brother’s engagement

[Illuminati12]

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

OP you didn't realise that this meal was a , not sure what to call it , was it an engagement party , except the guests hadn't been told the couple were engaged or was it a staged engagement in front of family , both of which sound a bit bizarre to me, and that the reason your Partners children weren't invited was because of space/catering issues ? So you decided to pop round well after the supposed meal had finished with the children of your partner in tow because you thought they would be welcomed then , even though they weren't invited ?

You clarified that your partner and his kids weren't invited.
Showed up with them anyway. Blustered in during a proposal. And think your family IBU?

Where are all the grown ups in this scenario?

You were wrong and she over reacted. Youve said you are sorry via letter. FGS leave the ball in her court now dont try 3 other ways of saying sorry.

I'm just surprised your BF/partner or whatever you call him didn't say... look NO, me and the girls will go off somewhere, you go if you want to but as you told me, we aren't invited, which I don't mind but we are not just going to rock up with you. Didn't he question your decision?

How petty to go off for a pizza meal instead of going on your own

Yabu. But, I think from reading your other comments, you just misjudged the situation and didn’t do it maliciously to ruin their moment. Though it was very rude of you, when you’d been told twice that they weren’t invited, to then turn up with them. Must of been very uncomfortable for them as well. I think your sil reaction is way over the top though. Just apologise and hopefully they will calm down and get over it.

What do you mean your sister in laws hurt?! What you did was rude but she is acting ridiculously. If I was your brother I would have been completely humiliated by her behaviour.

You were really thick-skinned to forge ahead and show up anyway with the kids, but I think you know that by now. You were rude.

SIL-to-be does sound childish to me in this instance though, I'm afraid. Crying and running off? Threatening to not marry your brother? Wtf.

You're both probably perfectly nice folks in many ways, but maybe both quite similar and having a major personality clash where you can't see eye to eye.

I do think the "making it all about you" criticism is a shit one. It doesn't sound like you're justifying to me, it sounds like you're genuinely distressed at causing so much upset and did not want things to turn out like this, and so are trying to explain why you did what you did - that it wasn't out of spite or deliberate intent to cause harm. In order to explain, you have to talk from your perspective and imo that isn't "making it all about you", it's trying to communicate your stance.

You do seem a bit self absorbed but so does SIL.

Just out of curiosity OP how long have your Brother and his girlfriend been together ?

It could be the straw that broke the camel's back though couldn't it... especially if you've been forcing your man and his daughters on everyone...

I don’t believe for one second this is the first incident.

The fact is you still don’t see it. The immense fuck up youve created.

And were it not for the fact that it was an engagement announcement you wouldn’t be bothering to apologise at all.

You feel bad as this has blown up in your face and people have called you out on it. The fact is you couldn’t have known what the meal was for and you didn’t care less. You thought your needs and wants were more important.

If it had turned out to be just a normal meal - there is no way you’d be apologising.

You just don’t get it. And for that reason I’m guessing you’ve done plenty of similar self-obsessed things to piss sil off.

"I don’t live with my partner so often do things without him. "

He isn't your Partner, he is a Boyfriend.

My DD's friend is desperate to have a Baby. Her partner wants their own house, get married and then go ahead with baby plans.

Your SIL/DB might have the same idea, so this is a very important step to them. It was their first Family meal in their new house, but they couldn't plan what they wanted, because you thought you should get your own way.

My youngest DD is reconsidering having a Christening because my eldest is like you. As far as she is concerned, she gets her own way, regardless.

Did she run away, because she didn't want the day completely spoilt by you arguing the toss with her?

Teens say stupid/inappropriate/self centered stuff. Sometimes it's bad enough putting up with your own, let alone two that you've never met. The dynamic completely changes. Also being Teenagers means that any relationship is going to be on their terms, you can't push things. It's best to make the meeting informal. there would have been opportunities over Summer for it to happen.

They are nowhere near being a full part of your Family and they may not want to be. You've now set things back.

As for the youngest mimicking your SIl, she hasn't got the emotional intelligence to get what really happened.

"You do seem a bit self absorbed but so does SIL."

We are all entitled to our special moments in life and to share them with the people that matter to us.

Your poor partner's kids.

Surely you would want to introduce them to family under the best possible circumstances.

Not when you've asked someone 4 times if they can come, and been told no 4 times.

SIL-to-be does sound childish to me in this instance though, I'm afraid. Crying and running off? Threatening to not marry your brother? Wtf.

Anyone stop to think the OP has overexaggerated the SIL response and or put words into her mouth to add to the drama. In reality she was probably shocked and a little upset that the OP had ignored several requests not to bring them. She probably removed herself from the situation so as to not say something she regretted in front of the children which the OP has claimed is her running away.

As for the youngest mimicking your SIl, she hasn't got the emotional intelligence to get what really happened
They are often quite quick to pick up on someone having an unnecessary flounce though...

Given OP was already vomited and cried over the fact she acted like a bellend, she's probably been admittedly to a&e after these responses. U okay hun? Don't forget to check in on Facebook.

😂😂

Yikes- drama lamas all round. My god, OP- nobody died.
You were cheeky as heck just turning up when you’d been told the teenagers were not invited, but your SIL needs to get a grip. Why was she running off crying? If she had anything about her she’d have made the extra guests feel welcome, then told your brother to tell you off afterwards.
Clearly none of you have real problems to worry about if you can all be so self obsessed and ridiculous about this total non-event (walking in immediately after a happy announcement).

How you're not bemused by this reaction is beyond me. Completely ott response. I do think you did it to prove a point however!

You being missing from the wedding will be a huge deal. Let her keep making the drama. I'm not sure what thought would happen apart from her thunder being stolen!

Unbelievable. You got told repeatedly 'no' and did it anyway? How could you possibly think that was okay or that everyone would be happy about it?

I bet your brothers fiancé was dreading you doing something like this and it tipped her over the edge. Poor woman. Just leave them alone and stop making everything about what you want.

@Loungingbutnotforlong exactly how I think!

Totally agree with lounging and married. Unbelievable lot of carry on from supposed adults. Clearly nothing serious going on in your life's to be bothered by something like that.

So your Brother and his girlfriend had already got engaged, and told some of their family already judging by MIL's in-depth knowledge of your text messages, this was a meal to tell everyone that the ring she was wearing was an engagement ring ?

Is this a thing ? I have never heard of an announcement party before. Sorry not helpful but genuinely never heard of this before.

I think it's pretty safe to assume there's a massive back story here.

OP was hugely unreasonable in turning up when told not to.

Bride to be overreacted on the face of it but I'd guarantee it's because OP has form for this kind of thing.

How people live their lives amidst this kind of drama is beyond me.

Ywbvvvu. How many times do you need telling no? You behaved like a stroppy self-obsessed child and ruined their day. SIL is right to go low contact with you and not invite you to the wedding as from reading your posts and the me me me I think you have previous for things like this.

You were rude and your brothers GF is nuts. She's not going to get married if you are invited. He should run for the bloody hills.