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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have ruined brother’s engagement

999 replies

Illuminati12 · 03/06/2018 17:41

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

OP posts:
HolyMountain · 03/06/2018 20:17

The hen do and wedding with this lot is worthy of a topic by itself Grin.

OohMavis · 03/06/2018 20:18

Her 'hurt'? Come on now. You all sound so self-indulgent.

Dieu · 03/06/2018 20:19

Oh my word, you were completely UNreasonable.

flippyfloppyflower · 03/06/2018 20:21

OP I have read your update and you have not quite grasped it have you? All you had to do was send a simple but very sincere apology (nothing fancy but something heartfelt) and yet you still managed to make the apology all about you i.e. why YOU won't blame the bride for not inviting YOU to the wedding and why the family should not intervene on YOUR behalf etc.

I think it will settle but flipping nora OP you are hard work.

CaptainBrickbeard · 03/06/2018 20:21

Oh dear. I feel sorry for everyone in this situation (especially the older teenage girl!) You aren’t to blame for the terrible timing, OP, but it does sound like everyone overreacted to everything - including you, to being told no in the first place. I’m sure it will all blow over. Everyone makes mistakes and perhaps you can learn from this one. It’s not the end of the world.

BMW6 · 03/06/2018 20:21

I dont understand why you are so intent on pushing your boyfriends teenage children into your family gathering. They are no relation to any of your family no matter how lovely they are. You dont even live with him!
They (the children) must have been hideously embarrassed. You owe them a massive apology as well as your brother and his fiance. And your Mum.

ThePlanetGoesOnBeingRound3 · 03/06/2018 20:23

"Oh, because she asked if she could bring her boyfriends children who we had never met and could not accommodate to our small family engagement announcement, caused a total stink about the fact they couldn't come, even asked your granny, had to be told no four Seperate times, then, wait for it, declined to come to our special meal in an epic flounce, then, no wait, it gets better, she later turned up, in our home, after the meal, just as we announced our engagement, and yup, she actually brought the kids with her".

Even then these hypothetical children will just shrug and think 'FFS, boring'.'

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 03/06/2018 20:23

The hen do and wedding with this lot is worthy of a topic by itself
Grin and the bridesmaid sagas, dress fittings, wedding fairs, venue decorating. My guess is child-free Grin

Krate · 03/06/2018 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Branleuse · 03/06/2018 20:27

I dont understand why you would choose to spend time with your boyfriend on his access weekend with his daughters, over and above going to your own brothers engagement party, let alone ignore their repeated requests not to bring the kids and just turn up with them anyway. Big fuck up. Total CF, and totally insensitive to the fact that your boyfriend should be spending this time with his kids and they likely are not the slightest bit interested in hanging around with you, and now youve embarrassed and humiliated everyone.

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/06/2018 20:28

pigeondujour

It depends on whether telling them to "get a grip" was overriding their feelings on what you had done.

She had the choice of
1/not turning up
2/Turning up with her partner (they compromised on it)
Or
3/having her own way and turning up with the children in tow.

She completely ignored the feelings of those that organised this event. I can't see how anyone could try and turn this around on to her DB and possibly soon to be SIL.

Isadora2007 · 03/06/2018 20:28

Sorry. I cannot be arsed to read the entire 18/19 page saga. But I’m wondering if I’m the only one who thought that you were going to say your partner of 18 months was actually your brothers new fiancées ex husband or something!
The real story was nowhere near as exciting.

thecatsthecats · 03/06/2018 20:29

ThePlanet

Yeah. I mean, that's a pretty hypothetical stretch of caring. My mum's sister and her partner came to her wedding late and in jeans. It's not exactly a story that rocks my world.

MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood · 03/06/2018 20:30

Ultimately this party was about your brother and his family, coming together to meet with his in laws ahead of his wedding... that's what the party was being held for. Siblings welcome but not obligatory and certainly not siblings boyfriends kids. I mean why do you expect your brothers in laws to even want to meet them?

I don't think that the SIL has overreacted really. They arranged a celebratory event which you hijacked from start to finish and still continue to hijack after it's over.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 03/06/2018 20:31

He is NOT your partner OP he is your boyfriend! I note you refer to your brothers “girlfriend” even though they clearly live together yet you claim that the man you don’t live with and whose children you met less than six months ago is your “partner”.

It really is all about you isn’t it. I’m glad you are apologising to your future SIL but I’m not sure it’s enough following your very selfish behaviour.

HyacinthsBucket70 · 03/06/2018 20:31

You did screw up pretty massively OP and you put your partner and his kids in a really horrid position too. But you've owned it, and all you can do is apologise and learn from it Flowers.

I'd send flowers to your brother and SIL to be, and say how pleased you are for them and let the dust settle before trying to make contact for a bit.

Figgygal · 03/06/2018 20:31

She might be ridiculous and over the top but fucking hell how many times do you need to be told no!!

Roussette · 03/06/2018 20:32

I just don't understand why you boycotted the whole thing when you were told you couldn't bring the two daughters. Why didn't you go on your own?

Did you have a strop about them not being asked? If so, that makes it pretty bad TBH. Because I imagine you thought 'I'll show them, I'll just turn up'.

Do you live with this guy of 18 months? If not, I honestly think you were being totally ridiculous to want to bring them all along.

I just cannot for the life of me work out why you wouldn't just go on your own.

SparklyMagpie · 03/06/2018 20:32

I could not think of anything worse than turning up when you know everyone didn't want you there!!

Trueheart1 · 03/06/2018 20:33

Op can you think of ways you have been pushy before with brothers fiancé?

MagnificentDelurker · 03/06/2018 20:33

I think OP was offended that other siblings were invited as a family and she was not. I agree that she made a mistake.

However they should have been polite to her partner and his children and maybe shouted at her later including not inviting her to the wedding. But they acted dreadfully.

Rudi44 · 03/06/2018 20:34

I am with the Op on this, brothers GF sounds like a nightmare. These are her partners kids, her potential step kids, they should be welcomed into the family, jeez how hard can it be to squeeze couple of kids in?
Brothers GF sounds like horrendous, you didn’t spoil their engagement FFS. And how unwelcome would those poor kids feel

SharronNeedles · 03/06/2018 20:34

You come across as a truly horrible person.
How can you possibly think that your feelings in this matter more than those of your brother and STBSIL? You disrespected them in their own home. You ruined what was meant to be a positive situation for them and made it all about you. You selfish, spoiled little girl.

kaytee87 · 03/06/2018 20:34

I too think it's odd that you refer to your boyfriend as 'partner' when you don't live together but your brothers fiancée is his girlfriend Confused

It's like you're trying to over egg the importance of your relationship compared to your brothers.

Yesiamhappy · 03/06/2018 20:34

Yabu

I also wouldn’t want you to come to the wedding as I would totally expect you to announce your engagement there to make that day about you as well.....

I get that you “just turned up” but that changes the dynamic - and you would have spent the announcement party introducing the teens / dp to everyone. It wasn’t the right time or place for that - have your own party to do that especially since you were told no so many times

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