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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have ruined brother’s engagement

999 replies

Illuminati12 · 03/06/2018 17:41

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

OP posts:

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/06/2018 20:02

I don’t recognise myself when I read this thread

Are you used to getting your own way? This is what it sounds like. Because if you’ve not used to being challenged, that would account for being told no 4 times and still showing up.

KittenBeast · 03/06/2018 20:04

In all fairness, YABU for turning up when you had been repeatedly told no.
But I do think she's overreacting a little, especially about the not being invited to the wedding part.
How's it going to look in a few years if their children look through their wedding photos and ask "Oh, why isn't Auntie Illuminati12 in the photographs?"
"Oh, because she turned up with her boyfriend and his children uninvited when we had announced our engagement to Granny and Grandad and the rest of the family"

this.

MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood · 03/06/2018 20:04

I feel like what happened here was that you thought a get together was a great chance to introduce DP and DC. You weren't to know about the announcement and so feel that you aren't to blame.

But your refusal to take no for an answer and to repeatedly force the issue indicates a longer term problem with refusing to listen to other people's needs and wants and pulling stunts to force their hand if you don't get your own way.

Valanice1989 · 03/06/2018 20:04

OP, you sound like you're looking at this maturely now. I hope your family sorts this out. It seems to have been blown out of proportion.

bastardkitty · 03/06/2018 20:04

I tried to explain exactly what had happened and why I did it. < there is absolutely no plausible explanation for what you did and why, that will be of any interest to the other people involved. Explaining yourself is just further self-centred behaviour.

Racecardriver · 03/06/2018 20:05

You all sound like massive babies.

gillybeanz · 03/06/2018 20:05

Bloody hell, narcissism at it's best/worst depending on your view.
it's all about you.
You are going to be very upset in life if you continue like this, you haven't ruined their engagement and I'm sure they'll get married.
You were selfish and now won't be invited, let that be a lesson that the world doesn't revolve around you.

kaytee87 · 03/06/2018 20:05

Op something tells me this isn't the first time something like this has happened. That's probably why your brothers fiancée is so upset. She probably thinks you'll make the wedding a drama too, demanding your bfs kids are bridesmaids or something.

You've only known these kids for a few months so they must be practically strangers to your family. There should be no expectation they'd be invited to something like that.

You turned down the invitation because your bfs kids weren't invited then turn up with them anyway. Wtaf are you all about?

Why didn't you just go by yourself and let your bf spend time with his kids by themselves (which is most likely what the kids want anyway)

sparklefluff · 03/06/2018 20:06

You shouldn't have taken the kids, they said no.
But she is behaving childishly.

Honeyroar · 03/06/2018 20:06

What a mess. You behaved terribly and owe your brother and his fiancée a big apology.

You were told several times that there wasn't room for the children. Your brother's fiancée said they'd look forward to meeting them at another time - you really should have listened to that bit - you clearly weren't being snubbed, they wanted people they knew, it should' have taken a rocket scientist to see that. But no, you pushed and pushed and went running from one person to another talking about it (no wonder he wouldn't have shared the secret with you..) and they all said no. So you snubbed their meal and then surprised them, turning up at the worst possible moment and spooling their moment. If you'd have just gone to the meal on your own, then introduced the girls on another occasion the chances are you'd all have ended up having a lovely time at their wedding, all part of the family, whereas now you'll be lucky to get an invite yourself.

For people saying the fiancée is overreacting- perhaps she is a bit, but I can empathise with her. My brother has created lots of dramas over the years. You're always on edge waiting for the next drama. On my wedding day the registrar had to delay the service because he and his family hadn't arrived (it was only immediate family and friends). He never came. An hour later, during the photos, he rang to say he'd broken down (he only lived 2 miles away). I lost my rag at him and put the phone down on him. He never came to either reception, nor sent a card. In his eyes it's all about him and I was horrible shouting at him. To be honest it was a relief not having him and his drama at the wedding. Some people have no idea how much they're stressing those around them, and sometimes is does result in a OTT reaction because the person has been worrying about what the selfish person, who can't do anything other than what they want, and what they will do next, and the stress builds up..

Rollonweekend · 03/06/2018 20:07

Both you and she sound equally deranged and total drama llamas.

DioneTheDiabolist · 03/06/2018 20:09

Great post @PurpleTrilby. OP, please read Purple's post and spend a bit of time developing some awareness of why you don't seem to be able to take "No" for an answer.

greengardenchairs · 03/06/2018 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GnomeDePlume · 03/06/2018 20:09

Illuminati12 well done for taking this on the chin.

All you can do is apologise unreservedly. Accept that sometimes 'sorry' isnt enough and that you are going to have to go through a period of not being liked very much.

Dont wear sackcloth and ashes. Remember this is not about you. So no going around all 'woe is me'. Apologise and withdraw.

37KAT · 03/06/2018 20:10

YWBVU for trying to ramrod your partner's kids down their throats. They told you NO and you kept pressing on. And showing up like that wasn't on, too.

Her reaction is out of proportion but honestly, no one's going to be excited about how lovely his kids are as much as you.

THIS!!

JeNeBaguetteRien · 03/06/2018 20:10

YABVU.
Seriously OP I cannot fathom why you repeatedly asked, were told no and didn't bloody well listen. Absolutely rude of you. Especially when they'd said they would meet the kids another time.

Whilst it sounds like the fiancée might have over reacted I suspect it was actually the last straw because if you really can't see that you were very in the wrong you must have very little self awareness.

MumofBoysx2 · 03/06/2018 20:11

Hope it all works out for you all OP

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/06/2018 20:11

Any upset of mine does not compare with my sister-in-laws hurt.

Crikey no one died. And perhaps there’s the issue. Have any of you lost a parent or very significant person in their life? It doesn’t sound like it. My sil is very similar to yours. She makes dramas out of everything.

Bluntness100 · 03/06/2018 20:12

"Oh, because she turned up with her boyfriend and his children uninvited when we had announced our engagement to Granny and Grandad and the rest of the family

Well that's not really quite what happened is it.

"Oh, because she asked if she could bring her boyfriends children who we had never met and could not accommodate to our small family engagement announcement, caused a total stink about the fact they couldn't come, even asked your granny, had to be told no four Seperate times, then, wait for it, declined to come to our special meal in an epic flounce, then, no wait, it gets better, she later turned up, in our home, after the meal, just as we announced our engagement, and yup, she actually brought the kids with her".

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/06/2018 20:13

I should have added to my last post.

Stop catastrophising!!

diddl · 03/06/2018 20:13

Having decided to be with your partner & his kids rather than go to the meal & being told that your brother & partner would meet them at some other time-why did you go there?

Even if you thought that the meal was over, that still doesn't explain it!

OddS0ck · 03/06/2018 20:14

@HoneyRoar excellent post. I suspect this maybe near the truth in op's situation.

kissthealderman · 03/06/2018 20:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhoIsShe18 · 03/06/2018 20:16

Ha, sounds like between the two of you, you’ll enjoy many happy Xmas dramas together!

I think you may well have met your diva match in your SIL! Congrats!

EduCated · 03/06/2018 20:16

OP, as much as you have fucked this one up, chill out a bit. Already talking about not being invited to the wedding and asking family not to intercede comes across pretty intense. Give it time and space.

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