To have ruined brother’s engagement

[Illuminati12]

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

You were in the wrong OP. Totally but I expect that 15 pages in you get that now.

You have to apologise. Seriously don’t make it about how you felt or what you wanted or,your DP or his girls. Your future SIL has over reacted a bit but you were clearly told in advance.

Wouldn’t this have been a nice opportunity for you to spend time with your family and do to spend alone time with his dcs?

Flippin' 'ell op, do you not listen???!! Jeez, you were told by three people not to bring them. Not only did you ignore their request, but you missed their special meal, and you turned up with the extra people anyway....and right at their special moment. You've really cocked up, and you need to put it right. Grovel, pleed, and most of all offer your sincere apologies, because you were out of order.

I have to add though, your future sil seems very highly strung, and I think this will not be the last time there is a family drama!

OP, until you stop making excuses and actually start of focus on why you behave this way, it's never going to get better. Don't just grovel and apologies and "feel sick" and scrape and bow... if I were you I'd start a thread in Relationships or something and start talking about what is really going on here as there is a whole backstory with your behaviour and role in the family, whether you are subconsciously aware of it or not.

I own complete responsibility for what I have done and the pain I caused. I tried to explain exactly what had happened and why I did it. I suppose that is what people have interpreted as ‘justifying ‘.
I don’t live with my partner so often do things without him.
My brother did not propose in front of everyone it was an announcement. I turned up 3hours after the meal. Not justifying but clarifying.
I regret mentioning my hurt to my mother. I did not ask her to speak to my brother.
I have written to my sister-in-law apologising and I have said that I won’t blame her for not inviting me to wedding. If she doesn’t acccept my apologies I will stop any attempt from my family to intercede on my behalf. I most definitely won’t turn up.
Writing everything down makes me look like a lunatic. I accept everybody’s comments even those who have misinterpreted things (probably because I am so upset). Any upset of mine does not compare with my sister-in-law’s hurt.

Bonkers. All of it.

I'm at your rudeness to turn up with people uninvited!

Your boyfriend and kids hadn't been invited. Why the fuck did you think it was OK to turn up with them?

You sound the most hard work out of everyone. You were told no twice and still did it anyway. You have more front than Blackpool.

Why would you just turn up with children after being told twice they were unwelcome. FGS it is their home and they have the right to invite or not invite who they wish. You have ruined their big announcement by totally disregarding their wishes. I am not surprised your brothers fiancee is annoyed with you. She may calm down but really why invite people to your brothers home when you have specifically been told not to on more than one occasion. They may be worried you will turn up with your dp children at wedding again uninvited. Send her some flowers and hand written note of apology.

Is it just me who is sceptical about the idea of two teenage girls, however lovely, being that interested in attending a step family party?

I went through the time honoured tradition of retreating into a corner at family parties at that age. My friends with divorced parents hated doing double rounds of family time with extra 'relatives' they had little interest in and we're not very interested in them. They would have done a hard swerve on attending a party like that.

I don't think the fiance is necessarily a diva for her tears. OP was bloody hard work in the run up, and just at the critical happy moment, when her emotions run high, she cropped up like a bad penny with a bonus handful of spare change.

I have a friend who cries very easily and would have been close to the edge just for the announcement.

You were so unreasonable. If them meeting your step children was so important to you why on earth hadn't you introduced them before now!? At your OWN event. They weren't invited as they were strangers to your family because you clearly had not made an effort to include them before now. Unbelievably rude of you. I'd be mortified if I were those kids.

What happened after your dp left and you were still there?
I agree you were rude and you should have listened and respected what they wanted. But I also think your sil is a bit highly strung. Crying and storming off is way ott.

I think your response should go a long way to repair the damage OP. Well done for taking all the comments on the chin.

Any upset of mine does not compare with my sister-in-law’s hurt.

Hurt! She needs to as pp said get a bloody grip.

I'd be furious at you.

Are you going to actually explain what happened?

How did your sister end up giving you a lift home?

Did your partner speak to his dd about taking the piss out of someone’s upset?

Are you physically capable of extricating yourself from his family unit and allowing him to spend time with his children?

So many outstanding questions..

Ok I agree with Pictish.

Yeah you went in like a wrecking ball but your STBSIL sounds a right drama queen. Running off crying. Honestly 🙄

It was a happy occasion. In her shoes I’d have been so jolly and happy I wouldn’t have cared if you’d turned up with a couple of chimps.

I just think her reaction is disproportionate to the crime. Ok, it’s completely awkward but OP thought she’d be popping in at he end of proceedings not for the main event, is that really so bad? Insisting that OP is not invited to the wedding over this sounds like a step too far to me. SIL to be sounds like a handful....

You seem to be taking things on board which should help smooth things over. Keep thinking things through and keep on remembering it's about other people and hopefully things will start to settle back to normal.

I'm a bit shocked at those who think the SIL over reacted. For her this was the first time she got engaged (and hopefully the last) and OP made it all about her.

To top it off, OP is now writing an apology bringing the wedding into it and "understanding" if she isn't invited and she "won't" let her family interject.

Fuck me. OP you are an attention seeker.

@BoneyBackJefferson meh. If my relationship with them hinged on me having to attend family parties from which my partner was excluded so I could focus all my attention on the announcement of a slightly bigger party to be held in future (which is all an 'engagement announcement' for a cohabiting couple is) then that'd probably be a good thing. As it happens telling a sibling to get a grip when necessary certainly wouldn't be the end of the relationship in my family, but then we also wouldn't behave as OP's brother and his girlfriend have in the first place.

My brother did not propose in front of everyone it was an announcement. I turned up 3hours after the meal. Not justifying but clarifying.
You turned up milliseconds after their announcement! That's why future SIL was so upset, milliseconds. It doesn't matter what time they ate. It doesn't matter whether it was a proposal or an announcement. You're still trying to minimise what you did!!!

If it's any help at all, OP, I think your SIL2B's reaction peaked even your mistake.
Stay friendly, don't over apologise, just continue to build bridges.
It's nice to read how well you get on with your partner's children.

YABU and you need to apologise big style. They said No you should have respected that instead you took every opportunity to shoe horn in your OH and his kids!

OP - you're getting an absolutely terrible time on here. Yes you fucked up royally, yes it was cheeky as FUCK! I don't know what kind of person you are. Maybe you're a colossal narcissist, maybe you're just a bit dizzy or maybe the whole thing was just a one off... just learn from it and try to move on now. Making yourself sick, being disowned (temporarily) by relatives and having 300 strangers coming down on you like a ton of bricks is punishment enough. You haven't murdered anybody x

In all fairness, YABU for turning up when you had been repeatedly told no.
But I do think she's overreacting a little, especially about the not being invited to the wedding part.
How's it going to look in a few years if their children look through their wedding photos and ask "Oh, why isn't Auntie Illuminati12 in the photographs?"
"Oh, because she turned up with her boyfriend and his children uninvited when we had announced our engagement to Granny and Grandad and the rest of the family"