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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have ruined brother’s engagement

999 replies

Illuminati12 · 03/06/2018 17:41

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

OP posts:

MrStarkIDontFeelSoGood · 03/06/2018 19:28

Someone said they wanted it from the other side so here goes

My boyfriend and I have been planning a small family party for weeks, his side and mine.

He was planning a surprise proposal but I didn't know that bit.

We invited his sister, she wanted to bring her boyfriend who we barely know and his children who we don't know because it's his contact weekend.

I said no, twice. Family only.

She then went to my boyfriend saying it was unfair. He said no. But did hint her boyfriend would be welcome without the DC.

She went to her mother complaining about how unfair it was, her mother said no, and we said no again after she interceded. Boyfriend getting really pissed off now as this is Our Party and she's making it about her

Day of the party comes, she no shows which casts a shadow over the day.

Then just after DFiance proposes they all appear at the garden looking over the back gate going Coo Eee

I just burst into tears as she has managed to spoil every aspect of this day in the run up, by making it about her DPs kids and then, bang, there they all were.

Apparently one of the boyfriends DC are now having a fine old time taking the Piss out of me and that's going to be my lasting memory of the whole proposal.

I've a good mind to tell them none of them can come to the wedding.

AIBU?

Anon12345ABC · 03/06/2018 19:29

You eventually refused to attend because your partner had 2 teenagers. Oh, you are one of them who has to do everything as a family and cannot be an individual.

YABVU. Your update makes no difference. They said no, you don't just rock up a few hours later with them anyway.

Aridane · 03/06/2018 19:29

boney-nobody said partner could go - brother apparently hinted it might be ok

Walkaboutwendy · 03/06/2018 19:29

Poor SIL to be probably thinks the OP will turn up at the wedding with the SDs in bridesmaid dresses.

She's probably worried that when the minister asks if anyone has any objections to the wedding, the OP will jump to her feet and shout, "Yes! Well, not really, but I'd just like to take this opportunity to introduce you all to my partner and his daughters!"

Bet the OP will announce her engagement at the wedding

ginandnappies · 03/06/2018 19:30

Have you ever acted like this before OP? This might explain girlfriends reaction. You're being unreasonable either way. Why wouldn't you just go along yourself?

itswinetime · 03/06/2018 19:30

Or arrive in white with bridesmaid esc stepdaughters as here comes the bride starts

SomeKnobend · 03/06/2018 19:30

Wow! I need to ask OP assuming SIL doesn't change her mind, will you turn up at the wedding or reception, even though you're not invited?

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 03/06/2018 19:30

Also I wonder why you insisted on spending the weekend with your boyfriend when his DD were there. Surely they would have preferred at least some of the time only with their father. You could have spent that time with your family and still catch up with your boyfriend. Are you sure the girls were happy you tag along everytime they’re seeing their dad?

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 03/06/2018 19:31

You summed it up perfectly MrStark but some will still find you unreasonable obviously the same people who would argue the sky was green and the grass was blue!

Aridane · 03/06/2018 19:31

mrstark. -I am sure there is alive back story and we are seeing only a snippet of the OP’s behaviour

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/06/2018 19:32

Aridane

Yes that would be the compromise bit that the OP didn't take him up on.

MaisyPops · 03/06/2018 19:33

You shouldn't have tried to push your partner and children in the situation (but it does seem odd that your DP doesn't get an invite but other people have their spouses).

That said, she sounds like a very high maintenance woman who loves the spotlight and attention on her.

MadMags · 03/06/2018 19:33

I would have killed myself laughing about it at their age.

Then you would have been rude, and a bit nasty, too! What does that have to do with anything?

Anyway, two posts in 14 pages?

AskAuntLydia · 03/06/2018 19:33

the younger one is doing impressions of brother’s girlfriend

Sorry I laughed at this.

I am looking forward to the Bridezilla antics of the SIL.

I think they both sound like maniacs.

ChocAuVin · 03/06/2018 19:33

YABU.

Juells · 03/06/2018 19:33

@Dopplerineffect

I actually think your family are awful so get why you acted the way you did

I actually think her DB and his GF knew from experience that the whole day would turn out to be about the OP and her new boyfriend, when it was supposed to be about them announcing their engagement.

Did you not notice - this isn't the OP's partner, it's a boyfriend.

Ruffian · 03/06/2018 19:33

Also, I don't really have any experience of this but if the partner has his daughters this weekend, why is he not doing something just with them? Is it usual for him to have his partner around too?

Funnily enough, also a huge rarity on MN, the OP actually likes her partners dc, thinks they're lovely and enjoys spending time with them. I mean really, what a weirdo!

Usernameunknown2 · 03/06/2018 19:34

You bulldozed your brother and even got your mum involved OP. That doesnt sound like someone without form would do. Be very honest with yourself and look back over all of your past actions with family to see if you have a habit of bulldozing to get your own way.

Or ask your brother. He may well think differently.

You need to apologize, without trying yo excuse and justify yourself.

I think its interesting you felt so put out your partners kids weren't invited that you bulldozed, ignored 4 nos and intruded. Yet sil is dramatic for being upset at it all.

And i agree with pp, your dps daughter is being a brat and should be pulled up on it.

nolongerblue · 03/06/2018 19:34

To the posters saying the poor kid isn’t nice for mocking. It is probably her coping mechanism from a very unpleasant situation.

This.

Leave the poor kid alone. I don't blame her for the 'behind the back mocking' at all. Who hasn't done an arsey impression of an arsey boss/ colleague/ any other arsey person, to let off steam? Who hasn't ranted about arsey people?

sweeneytoddsrazor · 03/06/2018 19:35

Your brother proposes in front of the whole family - seriously he sounds a bit of a drama queen too.

OP didn't say he proposed in front of the family, she said they announced their engagement. 2 completely different things.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 03/06/2018 19:36

This is like a soap opera

Yes. Mother fuming, sil running upstairs crying, brother seething and saying "it's out of order" and Op so upset she's vomiting and can't stop crying.

I'm sure I saw a similar episode on HollyOaks.

I can't help wondering if you're the same poster as the one that met an older man with teenage children? There was some angst because none of the family liked him and friends were warning her off because he'd had a history of prison and violence but the OP thought he was a lovely guy.

MaisyPops · 03/06/2018 19:36

Aeroflotgirl · 03/06/2018 19:36

You were very rude and pushy, they gave you their reasons which were quite valid, and you persisted. Then you still turned up later with your partner and his girls in tow, without asking if it was ok. You were very out of order.

clyde5591 · 03/06/2018 19:37

I don’t recognise myself when I read this thread. If I had read it I would think I was a dreadful person.
I genuinely didn’t think -
Just a thought:

There is an awful of I's in statement - I don't, I read, I had read, I would, I was and I genuinely etc.

Sometimes in life we have to think of others and not be too self absorbed in our own issues - maybe consider you pushed your family too far.

ThePlanetGoesOnBeingRound3 · 03/06/2018 19:37

Did you miss the bit where they compromised and said that the partner could go?

It was a 'hint' actually.
And yes, I agree, she should have taken it.

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