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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have ruined brother’s engagement

999 replies

Illuminati12 · 03/06/2018 17:41

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.
I have been seeing someone for 18 months, lovely man with two children who I met just before Christmas. My family have met him and we took the kids to my mother’s and sisters.
My brother and his partner invited the family round a fortnight ago for a meal yesterday. The family meaning widowed mother, siblings, spouses, kids and me. The invitation was sent from girlfriend’s phone and said “Can you come...” I just thought it was a meal in their newish house. I replied that me, partner and his two teenagers could come. The response came from girlfriend “Sorry can’t accommodate Partner and teenagers but look forward to meeting them another time.”
I was a bit put out and replied that the kids were great, well behaved and would fit in. Again response was sorry they could not be accommodated. I now regret texting my brother he said that they hadn’t entertained before so didn’t really want extras. He did hint that maybe my partner could come alone as he and girlfriend hadn’t met his kids. I was really upset as my entire family were going to be at this meal but I couldn’t take my partner and his lovely girls.
My mother then spoke to my brother and he rang me up annoyed that I had mentioned it and again stressed that there was no room.
Yesterday arrived meal at 12:30. I was upset. We took girls out for pizza and at 4:30 I thought my family would have finished meal and now be in garden and we could drop in and introduce girls and everyone would be relaxed.
I rang bell, no answer so went round side into garden. A micro second before they had announced engagement amidst champagne and now all these faces were looking at us. Girlfriend began to cry and ran upstairs.
Completely embarrassed. My partner tried to usher his girls out. My brother was seething.it was a special moment ruined by strangers.
Girlfriend’s mother then came down with her phone and read back texts between us asking me how I could have thought they were invited.
My sister drove me home. Brother rang to say I was out of order. Girlfriend texted that I am not to go near her again and has made it clear that she will not marry my brother if I am invited. She called me pushy and demanding. They had invited me but I tried to bring strange kids to the party and deliberately tried to have my own way.
I had no idea this was special occasion or I would have gone on my own. I am devastated. Family feel brother will calm down and it will blow over. I am devastated I genuinely didn’t do anything maliciously.

OP posts:

FiestaThenSiesta · 03/06/2018 19:21

Have you plastered this all over your FB, focusing on how you’re feeling about it all yet?

Aridane · 03/06/2018 19:21

Cross posting with others

ThePlanetGoesOnBeingRound3 · 03/06/2018 19:22

Gawd, yes, do this! So then they don't have to be bothered by you because you're surgically attached at the hip to your boyfriend.
The partner is someone that they haven't met.

It's a family (ergo partners fucking included) do in the garden, not an invite to Buckingham Palace.

titchy · 03/06/2018 19:22

I have been sick and can’t stop crying. I have done something terrible. Totally without thought.

And still you make it all about you....

diddl · 03/06/2018 19:22

You were invited to a family do, it was your partner's weekend with his kids-I find it odd that you didn't decide to go to the meal & leave your partner to have some time with his kids.

Aridane · 03/06/2018 19:22

mum - I suspect OP’s behaviour here is tip of the iceberg

pallisers · 03/06/2018 19:22

As for the girls the older one was mortified but the younger one is doing impressions of brother’s girlfriend. I intend to write an apology. Honestly I am not normally like this.

Say sorry to both girls. Tell the younger one it isn't kind to do impressions of someone who was upset. Tell both of them you got it wrong and that sometimes happens in life and it is important to recognise when you are wrong.

Then do a profuse apology to fiancee and db and hope it will blow over - it most likely will.

From your last post, my guess is you are so caught up in this new relationship and making sure his girls are not excluded that your antennae about anything else went down. live and learn - and apologise.

My guess is your future relationship with your SIL will live or die by how you say sorry now. Do it sincerely, without excuses, and saying how glad you are she is marrying your brother.

Juells · 03/06/2018 19:23

This-why the hell would you care if 2 teenagers connected to the family were there to witness it too?? Such a spoilt brat.

She did the invitations two weeks before, so it was obviously a big deal and a special occasion, not a "why don't you drop round for a bite to eat?". Cue unrelenting pressure for the next two weeks from the OP "Please can I bring them, please please they're lovely, please why can't I, why can I not bring them, they won't be any trouble." Annoying her brother, winding her mother up to annoy the brother, still being told No, and still she turns up. I expect SiL is seeing a lifetime of this shit stretching ahead of her, and wondering if she can stomach it.

icelollycraving · 03/06/2018 19:23

If a casual drop off is normal then why didn’t you suggest it when they said they couldn’t bring them? Asking several times through sil, brother and your mum is weirdly pushy.
You may not realise you’re pushy but her reaction wouldn’t have just come from today. Maybe you are not as relaxed and the girls as lovely as you think.

QuinquiremeOfNineveh · 03/06/2018 19:23

the fiancées reaction is completely bizarre and disproportionate

She'd already had the op going behind her back to try to squeeze an invitation out of her brother and mother, when fiancee had said no. Op showed a total lack of respect for the fiancee. She behaved as if her wishes didn't count. In her own home.

Aridane · 03/06/2018 19:24

OP - why didn’t you go to the meal? Were you making a PA point that it was either you and DP and 2 teenagers DB hadn’t met before all coming together or none of you?

Dopplerineffect · 03/06/2018 19:24

To the posters saying the poor kid isn’t nice for mocking. It is probably her coping mechanism from a very unpleasant situation.

I actually think your family are awful so get why you acted the way you did but as I said before you should have left them to it.

Wait until fiancée has kids she maybe more understanding and less bridezilla.

Ruffian · 03/06/2018 19:24

As for the girls the older one was mortified but the younger one is doing impressions of brother’s girlfriend.

Yeah, they sound so lovely

Don't be ridiculous. Teenaged girls witnessing a grown woman flouncing and crying because she saw strange faces at her big announcement - I would have killed myself laughing about it at their age.

What if the neighbours had suddenly popped round? Would she have fainted away? God only knows what she's going to be like about the wedding.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/06/2018 19:24

I genuinely didn’t think

This doesn't make sense, though, when you've just told us that you did think, but only on your own terms: DP might have been invited if he hadn't had the girls that weekend ... it was perhaps a space issue ... turning up later might be okay and no doubt more

Call me stupid but I simply can't understand how anyone can be told "no" again and again and again, yet still plough ahead regardless

Valanice1989 · 03/06/2018 19:24

Poor SIL to be probably thinks the OP will turn up at the wedding with the SDs in bridesmaid dresses.

She's probably worried that when the minister asks if anyone has any objections to the wedding, the OP will jump to her feet and shout, "Yes! Well, not really, but I'd just like to take this opportunity to introduce you all to my partner and his daughters!"

starryeyed19 · 03/06/2018 19:24

You really messed up. Badly. I'm usually quite forgiving when I read posts on MN but they specifically told you several times not to bring your partner and children and you went and did it anyway. Apologise profusely to your brother and his girlfriend.

What does your DP think about it all?

TatianaLarina · 03/06/2018 19:25

The whole thing sounds hilarious.

Cornishclio · 03/06/2018 19:26

For goodness sake what a fuss over nothing.

Your brother told you there was no space at the meal for your DPs daughters. You turn up unannounced four hours later which was a mistake but not the end of the world. Any normal family would not bat an eyelid. Ours wouldn't anyway.

Your brother proposes in front of the whole family - seriously he sounds a bit of a drama queen too.

Future SIL throws her toys out of the pram because your partners children were there who she didn't know - so what? They are kids what on earth is the problem there? If they wanted a precious moment to get engaged why do it in front of the whole family. I think she sounds ridiculous and a total over reaction and I would keep well away from her. How close were you to your brother?

I would apologise and say you just turning up was thoughtless and you won't be doing it again. In fact I would give them a wide berth altogether. If girlfriend goes over the top over this she will be a total bridezilla.

Why do posters criticise the girls? The older one was embarrassed which is a natural enough reaction but not their fault and the younger one probably thought the girlfriend was being an idiot which she is.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 03/06/2018 19:26

You fucked up, you were told no but chose to ignore if. Your partners children should never have been put in that position and honestly, if I was your partner, I would be questioning my relationship with you. You ignore clear boundaries, involve outside parties and put another persons kids in a horrid situation where they were clearly unwanted. And the crying and being sick (though I don’t actually believe that, I suspect you’re probably just making that up to make people feel sorry for you and you have most of 13 pages of no one feeling sorry for you) is a dramatised over reaction.

Get some perspective, start listening to people and stop making everything about you.

Aridane · 03/06/2018 19:26

Poor SIL to be probably thinks the OP will turn up at the wedding with the SDs in bridesmaid dresses.

isadoradancing123 · 03/06/2018 19:27

You were totally in the wrong, which part of the no did you not understand

BoneyBackJefferson · 03/06/2018 19:27

ThePlanetGoesOnBeingRound3

Did you miss the bit where they compromised and said that the partner could go?

boilerhouse2007 · 03/06/2018 19:28

''Don't be ridiculous. Teenaged girls witnessing a grown woman flouncing and crying because she saw strange faces at her big announcement - I would have killed myself laughing about it at their age.''

You are on mn remember-the site of huge high moral standards and ANY questionable behaviour you are going to hell. If you kiss a boy before you are married you an immoral slut and if you have ever said 1 bad thing about another person you are Hitler, if you ever dare raise your voice at your child you are an unfit parent....

starryeyed19 · 03/06/2018 19:28

Also, I don't really have any experience of this but if the partner has his daughters this weekend, why is he not doing something just with them? Is it usual for him to have his partner around too?

Helloisitteaurlookingfor · 03/06/2018 19:28

Is this a reverse?

If not, OP, you were told repeatedly not to come and then you did. The fact they were so insistent would make me feel something more was going on than just the meal and so you should just go with their wishes. But noooo you had to do what you wanted anyway.

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