MIL wants me out

[Lost111]

I gave birth 6 days ago and I am living with my DPs family and will be until probably early next year.

The pregnancy was unplanned, we have no money and my DP's parents have been kind enough to take us in. My DP starts a new higher paid job in September and I'll go back to work in January. So this is just temporary and we will be back on our feet shortly.

My MIL was lovely to me during my pregnancy and we went out together a few times. But since the baby has been born, she's really taken over. She keeps telling me to go upstairs so that she can feed the baby and kept refusing to give the baby back to me when I asked. It's very overwhelming and tough for me as I am her mum and want to look after her myself! I am perfectly able to do so. She keeps referring to the baby as 'her baby' too, it's very frustrating.

She has been shunning me a lot and I feel very upset and alone. DP says that it's all fine, but I can definitely sense some hostility. He also refuses to move before we can really afford it we we'd be struggling for money, which of course makes sense. I just feel like I am a burden and she wants me out and have my DP and baby there alone.

She's been away for a few days and I sent her a message thanking her for how she was with me when I was pregnant; she read it but didn't respond.

What do I do?

Hi OP -yr mil sounds a bit sinister tbh. Of course she's discouraging breastfeeding cos she can't do it!!

Please don't let her manipulate you by feeling
indebted to her for putting u up for free. You're not thinking straight cos yr tired and in pain-common sense would tell you she's YOUR baby not hers-she can't take her away from you. Why not say you want to visit yr mum for a while as she can give u some help during the day (even if she doesn't ) It will give you breathing space to decide if you'd prefer to live there for a while.Then dp can't argue with it as will think its temporary. Good luck with it all whatever u decide but imo think you need to get away from this overbearing woman

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. The mil stuff sounds really thoughtless, but I would definitely be mindful that your hormones and tiredness right now can make everything seem a lot worse, so I would try not to panic and hopefully things will be better when she returns. Do definitely needs it spelling out to him that you have just given birth to a brand new human, you are in pain, you are exhausted, your hormones are all over the place, and what you need now is rest and to be with your baby. What YOU need and want is also the only thing that is currently a priority. So family need to be told and to wait and be respectful. He needs to step up and advocate that for you. It doesn't matter if he thinks you're being "ridiculous". Maybe you are being irrational, maybe your worries are spot on, but it really doesn't matter. You feel how you feel at this point in time, and looking after you and baby is what is important.

Breastfeeding wise I would definitely try. speak to your midwife/health visitor. Your hospital should also have a feeding team. Call la leche league. You can make it work! I struggled with both of mine. First child we mix fed at first, and I ended up breast feeding until 14 months (with nipple shields as I struggled with latch). Ds was bottle fed for his first week and I saw an amazing lactation consultant who got him feeding and now we've only just stopped at 2.5 years. It is definitely possible, so if you want to try it, get some good support and give it a go x

Please do call your community midwife, they’ve seen it all and can help - even if it’s just someone else to talk to about it and offload

I agree with @Flaminlingos re: getting a sling - there’s lots of facebook groups selling fabric wrap slings second hand for as low as £15 incl delivery and in great condition. I found out by accident that by wearing my babies the people who used to just swoop in and not ask all of the sudden were a bit nicer/respectful to me because they HAD to ask my permission. Plus slings are great for having baby close and free hands to hang laundry, etc stuff my face with chocolate

I hope the breast feeding is going ok OP

Yes you may have the baby blues and over reacting. But you’re allowed to over react.

This is YOUR baby and not your MIL. I think you need to make it very clear that although you’re grateful for to stay with them that it’s not ok to interfere with how you bring up your dd, you will breastfeed, she has to g Be back your dd when you ask and it’s out of order to even make jokes. She is not her dd she’s her grand daughter and she needs to start referring to her as such:

If she does say ‘where’s my little girl’ try replying ‘she’s not your little girl, she’s your grand daughter’ and repeat

Your mil sounds nuts.
You need to move. Find a way. Give your DP the ultimatum, then you're not taking the baby away he's not coming with you.
A lot of my friends have mental bullying mils and their partners just make excuses for them. He doesn't want you to dislike her but he needs to put you and baby first now.

Also, if you want to breastfeeed day 6 isn't too late as others have said :) if your dp needs a reason you can say you feel you're in an unsupportive environment - which you are.

Wowzer.

Your baby, not hers. She needs to back the fuck off.

Your dp needs to grow a pair and tell her to back off and sort out alternative living arrangements whilst you care for the baby

Lost111 good luck with the BFing!

Please don't despair if it doesn't work straight away. Keep in mind you're just having a go. If it doesn't work first time, no bother, have a break and try something different the next time.

But more importantly, get some support.

I think you've got a great chance of making it work. Don't forget, for many mums our milk doesn't even come in till day 2 or 3, you're only a few days behind. Nature / your body really wants you to BF, it's great your MIL is away, this is a chance for you to have a go without her undermining you.

If you haven't registered her birth yet then think carefully about whether you want him on the bc. He'll have parental rights once he's on the birth certificate.

Yes definitely still try BF if you want, it’s not too late. Just relax, build it up, get health visitor to help. Talk to her about your MIL.

Yuk mil sounds very intrusive!

You can make a very assertive stand now and establish the ground rules for having the baby. It might work out okay, some bossy people are fine as long as you knock them back hard! And then there might be a routine you are all happy with.

Spend a lot of time in your room too, and take walks with the buggy. Join a new mums group.

If it’s still awful in 2 months think of other options, but don’t panic yet. It might be okay.

Oh, and bf if YOU want to. Whatever you choose should be based on what’s best for you and baby not simply to attempt to lever that overbearing mil away from snatching your child every few minutes x

Please telephone your midwives and request an urgent home visit. Then tell them EVERYTHING, they could be incredibly helpful. Don’t worry that if you cry or break down they will think you are not coping, your feelings are natural and common, they see sobbing new mum’s day in and day out.
Your episiotomy stitches breaking down is just awful for you, without all the rest. How dare they keep bringing visitors in?
You need a quick referral to breastfeeding support and you need to stop asking and start telling (easier said than done I know).
Tell your DP no visitors, tell him you are sore, tired and you are going to give bf a go as originally planned, and that if he doesn’t feel able to be 100% supportive, it will be best for you to move to your mum’s for a bit.
Your MIL’s “incestuous” comment shows you are not hormonally oversensitive, she is poisonous.

Billybigballs123 she already said she wanted to but the MIL talked her out of it.

Incest? Is she on glue?

" I appreciate your opinion, but I don't share it" usually worked for me when confronted by anyone who insisted I do X,Y or Z with my baby.

YOU are the mother. It's your choice. Regardless of whether you are staying in her home or not. It doesn't give her a free pass to make all the decisions. Your DH needs to be backing you on that!

Thanks sleepingDragons

Yes, in that case go for it. Mil can truly fuck off then as baby will need to feed all the time (great excuse to go to your room, alone and away from that psycho)

Try breastfeeding I think it will help make you and baby closer and it will keep mil at bay. Good luck

Phone the labour ward and speak to a midwife. Ask someone to come round as soon as they can and tell them as much as you can. Start breastfeeding your baby, if you had planned to, but didn't because your MIL stopped you, you will regret this. If it doesn't work, that's OK but please for the sake of your baby and for yourself, do try.

Skin to skin contact, feeding as often as possible and keeping your baby as close to you as possible will help you to get breastfeeding established. Get your midwife to explain this to your DP and his mother and get her to explain that this really is the best thing for the baby.

Do this ASAP before you get signed off by the midwives.

You could say that your mum/family also wanted to see the little one.
Another reason to go is that if things go really wrong with your MIL, you might never be able to forgive her. But if tou go now, you might be able to have a good relationship with her in the future as you will be less vulnerable and more able to stand your ground.

melliegrant - WTAF. The MiL told the OP that breastfeeding is incest. Yeah, lets all think about how it might just be a little misunderstanding eh?

lost111 Congratulations on becoming a mummy!

call la leche league they gave me invaluable breastfeeding advice. Things like just naked cuddles (biological nursing) or feeding in the bath all snuggled. Also if your baby doesn't like he change to a nipple try nipple shields for the transition.

Talk to dp and tell him that you want to try breastfeeding and you would really like his support on this.

Your dp needs to put you first. You a more a team. Also if you (mummy) are happy the baby will pick up on that.

If all goes wrong and he doesn't put his little family above everything then do not give your baby his surname.

lost111 p. S. It might not be baby blues, it might be the uncomfortable feeling of someone undermining you so do not be persuaded that it is definitely baby blues

@lost111 : I’d be telling your DH to get his act together and kick the visitors out pronto. Then he can sort his mother and tell her to mind herself or you’ll all be gone.

I second the sling idea. I used one a lot and it’s a great way of helping the baby feel close to you and gives you your hands back.

Thank you so much everyone.

DP has been saying that I've been "weird" today and that I'm crazy. He was changing the baby's nappy and was like 'your mummy's crazy, you're not going to be crazy are you' he meant it in jest but I told him to stop saying that. He said that his mum is just being a good nanny and that she doesn't want the baby. I hope he's right.

@AaronPurrSir I read that threat and my heart breaks for her. That's terrifying.

She isn't really playing ball with the boob. I think she can sense that I'm very on edge. I'm going to calm down and try again. I absolutely detest living in someone else's home. I just want my privacy.

I feel like I am going a bit mad :(

I also asked DP to ask for no more visitors until I heal. He said that it's his parents' house and I cannot dictate who comes round. He said for me just to stay in the bedroom if I'm not up for it

I think the issue here really is you're not feeling good, you're exhausted, you're in pain. You don't want to be lvijng in their house post partum. I'm fairly positive your mother in law doesn't want to steal your baby. In fact I'd put good money on it.

Your partners right. If you're not up to guests, stay in your room.