MIL wants me out

[Lost111]

I gave birth 6 days ago and I am living with my DPs family and will be until probably early next year.

The pregnancy was unplanned, we have no money and my DP's parents have been kind enough to take us in. My DP starts a new higher paid job in September and I'll go back to work in January. So this is just temporary and we will be back on our feet shortly.

My MIL was lovely to me during my pregnancy and we went out together a few times. But since the baby has been born, she's really taken over. She keeps telling me to go upstairs so that she can feed the baby and kept refusing to give the baby back to me when I asked. It's very overwhelming and tough for me as I am her mum and want to look after her myself! I am perfectly able to do so. She keeps referring to the baby as 'her baby' too, it's very frustrating.

She has been shunning me a lot and I feel very upset and alone. DP says that it's all fine, but I can definitely sense some hostility. He also refuses to move before we can really afford it we we'd be struggling for money, which of course makes sense. I just feel like I am a burden and she wants me out and have my DP and baby there alone.

She's been away for a few days and I sent her a message thanking her for how she was with me when I was pregnant; she read it but didn't respond.

What do I do?

For that comment on breastfeeding alone I would insist on speaking to your midwife tomorrow. It sounds more and more like you need some proper care.

I genuinely hope that I'm just overreacting and being inpatient about us having our own place, as DP puts it.

I don't want to risk PND, I need to be assertive for the sake of my daughter.

Thanks again again

If he's not willing to stick up for you, then take the baby to your mum's and leave him with his.

Everything katmarie said.

Do what your gut is telling you to do for your DD and you. Ignore everyone else. You dont have to make permanent decisions - take it day by day. V natural to want to be with your own mother or just with your DP at this time.

Red flag / alarm bells at the incest comment. Seriously unhinged.

Lost go to your mum's asap and plan to visit DP say 3 times per week. (You are NOT taking your dc away from her father - you are doing what is best for all of you.)

If nothing else that will make your DP arrange a place of your own sooner rather than later.

This is horrible and especially when your baby is so young. ☹️ You need some TLC and understanding from your mum.

Breastfeeding is incest? This woman is out of her mind.

OP, your DP needs to back you up here. It's YOUR child, and your MIL is way, way out of line.

If your DP doesn't back you, then go to your Mum's. No, you won't be depriving your DD from her father. If it comes to that, he can still visit her (if it's expensive or takes long, it's not your problem). And if you need to do that, it will be HIS fault for not being there for you when you need him, in perfectly reasonable circumstances.

You need to nip this in the bud. For your sake, but also for your daughter's, and for the sake of your relationship with your DP.

Don't allow your MIL to get away with it because you think that your DD's happiness comes before yours. If your MIL has her way, it will damage you, your DD, and your relationship. You need to defend them all.

When are you next due to see any healthcare professional OP? can you meet them in private to say you need help to get away - you need to take the baby on a "visit" to your mums and don't come back for a while, then you can decide how you feel.

Your MiL sounds very odd and worrying, and I don't agree with posters minimising this situation. Get support from your midwife or doctor OP.

Wear the baby in a sling when you're not feeding her so your mil can't snatch her off you. This helped me control who held my babies after birth, it's easier than saying no. Most normal people back off when they see a sleeping baby on mum's chest.

Op

Posters on here need to be aware that op is only 6 days post partum. Emotions will be running high and I guess that mil is trying to be helpful.

She might not be as bad as some are making out.

I do think it is wrong that she didn’t give you your baby but are you sure she was being malicious about it? Is she not just proud?

Six days in is a quick time to judge someone who you previously liked

I think it's terrible advice to tell her to leave her home, her husband, when she's six days post natal, in a lot of pain, and the mother in law has been away for the last few days.

Yes she sounds domineering, but it's highly possible she is just over excited about the baby and was in the first couple of days trying to help you.

However there is a fundamental issue which is uou don't want to live there. I don't think thr answer is leaving your partner and splitting your family up, but I'd talk to my husband abouut the fact you don't want to live with them.

She thinks breastfeeding is incest? She obviously doesn't know what incest actually is, so you can safely ignore here on that!

And if your DP thinks you don't need to get away, or thinks it is a ridiculous suggestion, he really really doesn't have your back. he should not be minimising your distress.

Please get some advice from your HV or midwife. It is hard to see past the fog of sleeplessness and hormones, so they should be able to help you.

Incest? Is English her first language?

Crikey, I didn't breast feed but I'd have run from the hills too at someone making that comment...as it implies they have some rather odd opinions.

Can you phone your mum and get her over to you tomorrow? She can then assess the situation and take you to hers if she feels it's necessary. To be honest, a non-mummy, objective, practical person (if that's what she is) could be just what you need here. You need to get to the urgent care centre as well to get those stitches looked at.

I mean, 'non-mumsy'

Also, MIL says that breastfeeding is 'incest' and she didn't do it with her five children...

For this comment alone, I would consider packing up and leaving. She sounds very manipulative and I would be concerned. I don’t think you’re overreacting at all OP.

I may be wrong, but I suspect that there is something behind MIL's behaviour - possible she felt a failure as a mother herself, so she's trying to compensate with your baby. Or maybe she's very insecure so is desperate to feel needed. If this is the case, it doesn't excuse her behaviour, but could explain it. Perhaps it would help if you could identify something that you are happy for her to help with and then make a REALLY big fuss about how good she is at it and how much you appreciate her doing it. It doesn't need to be genuine - you could tell her that she's so much better than you at preparing the formula, you could tell her that she's much better at choosing the baby's clothes for the day. Remember that generally it's a good thing for the baby to bond with GPs, so see if you can find a way for her to spend time with your baby, but in a way that YOU are happy with. Very best of luck.

Also, MIL says that breastfeeding is 'incest' and she didn't do it with her five children..

(the shock is obviously about the incest remark not that she didn't breastfeed)

Go to your Mum's.

Why do you think that your Dp would even think of applying for custody of your baby?
Are you not getting on with him?

Go before MIL's return, just for a break.🌸

Right OP, pack your bags and go to your mums. Your MIL is a fucking batshit bitch because of her behaviour. I am gobsmacked she referred to bf as incest - what a sick fucker she is. Move out now. When your DP grows a pair of balls, he can join you. You are currently on a one way ticket to PND. She tells you to go away so she can feed your baby. She won't give you your baby back. She keeps inviting family over to play pass the parcel with baby while you are recovering from an episiotomy and birth. She didn't want you breastfeeding because she wanted to feed the baby. She does not have baby's best interests in mind here.

Also, it doesn't matter if she did this for one day or all six days. This behaviour is never acceptable. Call your local La Leche League bf Group and get yourself support to get bf established. And go to your mum's. You can do this. Congrats on your baby xx

Breast feeding is totally natural. Had our ancestors not done it, humans wouldn’t exist. I do think a visit to see your mum may be a good idea. It doesn’t have to be a big drama. Good luck with the feeding.

OP please read this thread. The OP was in a very similar situation to you and it escalated dramatically and turned very nasty. You need to nip this in the bud now.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/parenting/3180229-MIL-moved-in?pg=1&order=

I also agree that you can leave in a way that is not dramatic. You've just given birth and you want to be with your mum. Partner is welcome to come too.

You are not over reacting - you are reacting perfectly normally to an over bearing, highly inappropriate situation - you are feeling trapped and panic because you owe her something or need her housing.

But right now your DD needs a calm, stress free Mum to bond with. These are precious early days and hours dont let you ridiculous MIL pollute them or your minimising, under the thumb OH not support you.