MIL wants me out

[Lost111]

I gave birth 6 days ago and I am living with my DPs family and will be until probably early next year.

The pregnancy was unplanned, we have no money and my DP's parents have been kind enough to take us in. My DP starts a new higher paid job in September and I'll go back to work in January. So this is just temporary and we will be back on our feet shortly.

My MIL was lovely to me during my pregnancy and we went out together a few times. But since the baby has been born, she's really taken over. She keeps telling me to go upstairs so that she can feed the baby and kept refusing to give the baby back to me when I asked. It's very overwhelming and tough for me as I am her mum and want to look after her myself! I am perfectly able to do so. She keeps referring to the baby as 'her baby' too, it's very frustrating.

She has been shunning me a lot and I feel very upset and alone. DP says that it's all fine, but I can definitely sense some hostility. He also refuses to move before we can really afford it we we'd be struggling for money, which of course makes sense. I just feel like I am a burden and she wants me out and have my DP and baby there alone.

She's been away for a few days and I sent her a message thanking her for how she was with me when I was pregnant; she read it but didn't respond.

What do I do?

You have a massive dp problem. His mum isn’t being nice and a good granny. A good granny would be making you cups of tea and asking how she could support you, not threatening to go into your room at night and take your baby.

A good granny (and partner) wouldn’t be forcing guests on you

And no normal person thinks breastfeeding is incest. Honestly she’s the crazy one, do not let them make you think you are. Would your mum come and get you tonight?

Ok, but you stay upstairs in the bedroom with your baby

And honestly, please just get the hell out of there.

i'd go on the breastfeeding topic and ask for help there, but generally my experience with trying anything with babies is rather than have an aim, view it as a 'see what happens'.

try lying on the bed on your side and lay her at a level so her mouth can reach your nipple. let her try and latch on. don't hold her head, let her lead. also don't give it a go when she's desperately hungry or full. just when she's awake and looking around.

i remember desperately trying the methods i'd read about, and none of them really worked for me. we sort of muddled through and got there in the end.

At least he is sharing the nappy changing, but I don’t think he is really supporting you. He is right to say that you should stay in your room without feeling guilty if you are not up for visitors. You need some professional help with the breastfeeding, ask for a midwife visit first thing tomorrow morning.

Yeah, this is the problem. He thinks you should stay in your room while MiL shows off the baby. If you can get her to breastfeed you will definitely regain some control. Good luck.

Stay in the bedroom, but with the baby. Call the hv and if they can visit and help that would be great- preferably they can say in front of mil something that bf is the best thing you can do for your baby. Your dp isn’t being great is he?

Not too late for bf-you might need to go to bed for 2-3 days to maximise skin to skin and allow baby to suckle as much as possible to stimulate milk flow. If her behaviour contnues and dp brushes it off-pack a bag and go to your mums. No-one should get in the way of mother and baby bonding, grandparents role is to support the parents - their child. Not try to be 2nd time around again parent.

I would go and register your baby's birth without him. If you're not married then he'll have to go to court to get parental rights.
Then that bad y us yours and nobody can take your baby off you.
I would tell your midwife/health visitor. Ask them to explain to MIL that it's important for you to bond with your baby.
I would be inclined to say "you've had your turn with having babies, now it's mine. Please ask if you would like to hold/feed baby".

Blimey, having a baby is an enormous deal without any of this. Get out of there and go home to your mum

OP yes do please speak to the Midwife or Health Visitor (whichever visits you next) and explain that MIL is being overpowering etc. Perhaps they can have a word with her and ask to back off a bit to let baby and mum bond. Also, if you want to BF please do not let MIL put you off!!! Her comment was completely out of order (not to mention bizarre). Again, I really encourage you to speak to a Health professional for breastfeeding support. They can tell you of BF support cafés etc. You need to get little one to take to the breast as often as possible. It might take a while for her to get the hang of it as she’s been used to bottles but keep peservering. Get as much help from professionals as you can.
Re your pain with stitches - keep a jug next to loo as each time you go, pour warm water (with a few drops of natural tea tree oil and lavender - you can get from pharmacy) in between your legs. It will really help with healing.

All the best OP and believe in yourself. Try to get as much rest as possible too and remember to get the support you need. Don’t let MIL bully you xx

Hold the baby under one arm like a rugby ball, with its legs under your arm and its face under your boob, your hand supporting its face. I found this easiest for breastfeeding. And tell the midwives when you ring that you really want to breastfeed - they will want to support you. And say you might need social services support as you are in a very vulnerable position. And go to your Mum, tell your partner you need to be away for a little while, he can visit. Big hugs, do what’s best for you and baby x

Please tell your midwife/ HV about the incest comment

They need to know exactly how batshit your MIL is.

I was in two minds until you said that.

That is not the sign of a supportive, loving MIL. It's the sign of a fucking nutter.

I just think you need to get out of there, a DP who calls you crazy is also not supportive, he is letting you down big time. It's vile to call your partner crazy at any time, but just after she's had her first baby? Unforgivable IMO.

I think the advice to try and initiate breastfeeding is really poor to be honest.
And I say that as a former midwife.
Unless youre really desperate to try, I think it will add to your already heightened stress & anxiety. I’d concentrate on eating, drinking & getting as much sleep as you can. Then hopefully, you’ll start to feel better & be able to be more assertive with your MIL & partner.

Yes, if you are in the bedroom when these unwanted visitors arrive, your baby stays with you.
Your partners responses are sad, it is not you, it is them. They are being unkind and selfish. It’s not your fault, I wish they were nicer. I think you will need to go to your mum’s. DP is clearly signalling he intends to gaslight you if you “rebel” at all, and he’s happy to make you question your own mental health at an incredibly vulnerable time. That is pretty chilling.
You are not going crazy, you are being placed under extreme stress. You sound very sane, very sore, very tired, and very bonded to your tiny baby. I wish I could come over and be a dragon on your behalf.

Of course she's discouraging breastfeeding cos she can't do it

She probably could though, she's just a weirdo.

Her house, her rules.
Your baby, your rules.

Talk to your HV and tell her everything. Tell her you are thinking of staying with your DM for a while. Then tell your DP you want to go and stay with your DM for a week or 2 so you can recovery properly and find your feet.

Can I just point out that although it doesn’t feel like it, you hold all the cards. You are the mother, you are not married, you have not registered the birth and your partner is not yet on the birth certificate.
These are good things, I hope they don’t become critical, but you are not in their power at all. There is not a cat in hell’s chance that they will somehow get to keep your baby. Please talk to your midwife about all this.

A little holiday with your mum is just what you need to help recover and establish breastfeeding!

Do get your stitches checked asap. Is a midwife still visiting you?

You have a load of issues. Your dp saying that is passive aggressive and warning you. You should be a team, he is not on board with that.

Honestly i would leave. Go to yout mums, get some breathing space and try to bf if thats what you want. I bf after 10 days, took pumping and skin to skin but i combi fed.

WTAF. Breastfeeding is incest? Your DP making crazy 'jokes' about you? YANBU, OP. Please go and stay with your mum. Even if there IS any overreaction on your part, some time away will help you to get perspective on whether you are experiencing things as they truely are or whether there is any overreaction. From what you've said, I don't think YAB at all U. You need to be somewhere where you feel relaxed and supported in these early days, especially with your stitches etc. Don't think twice - just go. It doesn't mean you're leaving your DP or taking your DD away from him. You're just going to stay with your family where you can rest and bond with your baby on your own terms. Don't even put it up for discussion. Get up tomorrow, get stuff ready for you and DD, keep her with you as you do so and just tell DP firmly that you are going. Don't argue with him when he tries to stop you or tells you are are crazy etc. Just get your stuff, get in the car and go. Even better, ask your mum to come and get you.

Your DP and MIL are being extremely unsupportive and controlling. Referring to bf as incest is plainly ridiculous and your DP intimating you are crazy is emotional abuse. Taking the baby off you and refusing to give her back is also plainly wrong. You are her mother. She only needs you. You carried her for 9 months and depends on you, not your DP or MIL. There have been other instances of MILs or DMs taking over.

First I would try to relax and keep the baby with you. She is not a parcel to be handed round the family. The house may belong to DPs family but you and your baby do not. You need support from your health visitor and maybe some bf support. Be clear if they do not back off you will go to your mums with the baby. I would say thank you for your help and maybe let MIL watch the baby so you can get some rest but you need time to bond and gain confidence in looking after her. I cannot imagine what you must be going through.

I think the advice to try and initiate breastfeeding is really poor to be honest. And I say that as a former midwife.

Please don't put the OP off BFing. If she wants to, why shouldn't she get the chance to?

She's only 6 days in, it can't hurt to try.

People here have recommend she talks to BFing experts and gets support from the National BFing Helpline and LLL and local groups. they can talk to her and help her work out what works for her and her baby.

I'm pretty annoyed at your comments actually.

You haven't met her in RL, this is a forum.

Fair enough to say "don't put yourself under pressure, take care with your feelings, don't feel you have to". Or to give advice as a non-qualified individual.

But to directly tell her not to, as a professional, is totally undermining and stepping over the line IMO. It is her choice whether she tries or not.
Since when did MWs give advice to people they have never met over the internet?

You say you're a former MW - when did you last do training on BFing? How up to date is your training exactly?

Move to your mom's with your baby it's up to your partner if he comes with you or stays with his mom

Get your child away from this crank!

Keep your child away from her until she understands you are going to safeguard your child, and be the fierce mother your child needs you to be!

Once she understands you are the all powerful figure in your childs life then she might be able to be a good granny, but until then you need to protect your child!

Her interference is sinister and she is exploiting your vulnerability. Get your health visitor, friends and family on board to help you protect your baby. This should be your babymoon bonding time and she is being extremely destructive. If she is not put in her place now she will remain a threat to your child!

By being very assertive you will be giving her another chance to be a good granny. If she doesn't accept it then make it clear you will side with your baby first and she will be left in a very minor role.