MIL wants me out

[Lost111]

I gave birth 6 days ago and I am living with my DPs family and will be until probably early next year.

The pregnancy was unplanned, we have no money and my DP's parents have been kind enough to take us in. My DP starts a new higher paid job in September and I'll go back to work in January. So this is just temporary and we will be back on our feet shortly.

My MIL was lovely to me during my pregnancy and we went out together a few times. But since the baby has been born, she's really taken over. She keeps telling me to go upstairs so that she can feed the baby and kept refusing to give the baby back to me when I asked. It's very overwhelming and tough for me as I am her mum and want to look after her myself! I am perfectly able to do so. She keeps referring to the baby as 'her baby' too, it's very frustrating.

She has been shunning me a lot and I feel very upset and alone. DP says that it's all fine, but I can definitely sense some hostility. He also refuses to move before we can really afford it we we'd be struggling for money, which of course makes sense. I just feel like I am a burden and she wants me out and have my DP and baby there alone.

She's been away for a few days and I sent her a message thanking her for how she was with me when I was pregnant; she read it but didn't respond.

What do I do?

So, you had a difficult birth 6 days ago, you had a blood transfusion, your stitches hurt and your DP's mum has gone a away for a few days whilst you recover. It sounds as though you have let a few throw away comments fester whilst she has been away and your DP has gone back to work rather than being around to help & support you. I would stay put, bond with the baby whilst everyone else is away and accept that everyone (including your own mum) will have views on how to bring up your baby, but you can do things your own way because it's your little baby Nobody is trying to kidnap your baby.

Another one here asking that people don't wind up the op and the situation anymore at this stage.

Op- assuming you stayed in hospital for a few days given you had a blood transfusion, the days mil and you were together at home could have coincided with you having the 'baby blues' - which kicks in, usually for a very short while, a few days after the birth.

This could have made you very sensitive to any remarks by mil. Also, is your mil from the same culture as you? (Some cultures take over the care of the baby more than others, to allow the new mother to rest etc)

Where has MIL gone- the fact that she has gone away suggests that possibly she has done so deliberately to give you a bit of space. Do you think this may be a possibility?

Maybe you should wait til mil comes back, and talk to her if need be about how her comments and actions are making you feel. If she still can't or won't take them on board, then think about about going to stay at your mother's home for a while.

How's the breast feeding going? It will be great to get that established, as it's what you wanted to do originally. Also, it's so much easier to transport baby between mil's home and your mums, if you decided to split your living time between them.

Congratulations on your new baby by the way!

Move move move!!!!

I witnessed this very thing with MIL (OH mother doing it to one of OH sibling and child).

It did NOT end well. At all.

Hi everyone,

I'm so anxious about this all. I really don't want to be living in a tense environment with a baby. I know that they've been so kind as to take me in, but I just feel like I am now a burden.

I've spoken with my DP and he's adamant that I'm being ridiculous. He thinks that she's just excited to be a nanny and wants to spend time with her grandchild.

I just want her to realise that I'm her mum, that's all. I'd never want to stop the baby from having cuddles with anyone else. I just want her to back off.

DP also thinks that going to my mum's is also ridiculous and doesn't see why. I think he's taking it as an attack like I want to get away from his family (which is true...)

My mum isn't very "motherly", which will be good for me as she won't be so domineering.

I think I'm going to see what tomorrow brings. Perhaps I'm overtired and hormonal. I just honestly want to be left alone with my partner and baby, not have his family coming round constantly. I know that sounds so horrible as they mean so well.

My stitches have torn and I'm in bloody (literally) agony. I feel as though I need DP around to do the physical stuff like making bottles etc. I feel like such an awful Mum. I do all of the feeds etc, so we have our little cuddles and bonding.

I've definitely managed the piss off MIL too. She read my message thanking her for her help during my pregnancy etc but didn't respond.

Also, her trip was booked way before baby. Me and DP aren't married and we haven't registered the baby yet.

Thank you for all of the kind responses, I really appreciate it

Have you tried breast feeding yet as this will make you feel close to the baby and give you an excuse to tell MIL to back off

I think finding some baby groups to go to will really make you feel better. It's a great way to make new "mum" friends. They totally saved my sanity when I had post natal depression. Go, make some friends, and it will also give you a couple of hours away from MIL. I don't think you need to move, but living with inlaws can be tricky at the best of times!!

You should just say you need a bit of a break and are going to your mum’s for a few days so that she can enjoy her grandchild too. Then just stay a bit longer than planned.

he's belittling your feelings. you do have power here. you can just go to your mum's. just like that. if you aren't being supported at this very vulnerable time, you need to go somewhere you are.

Can you speak to a midwife when they come round to check on your baby? They may have some connections to local baby groups to get you out of the house. Your DP needs to be speaking his DM and telling her to back off. It doesn't matter that he thinks she's harmless, if you feel uncomfortable he should be supporting you - you and baby are his priority now

actually that's a very good idea - you're just visiting your mum so she can see the baby. go this afternoon!

Is it possible that you could get your DP to talk to MIL? Just kindly and calmly tell her that you really appreciate her help, but you are feeling stronger now and need to look after the baby yourself. She may after all think she is "helping" and not realise. In a weird way she may be doing this to "over welcome" you and make you feel it's all ok, especially if she is struggling a bit too.

When is MIL due back?

Sorry to drip feed.

MIL turned up constantly at the hospital with no prior warning. I was laying there with my catheter hanging out and she just walked in and picked up the baby. I was too exhausted to react at that point.

I reckon baby blues has probably set in. I think I need a good sleep, too. More family have turned up downstairs. I feel so rude not going down but I can't even sit properly without being in loads of pain. I just want us to be left alone, but I know this isn't forever.

I'm going to see what tomorrow brings, if I still feel like this then I'll go to my mother's, regardless if DP comes. I know I can cope on my own, it'll just be very tough.

I sound so ungrateful here, but they won't accept money from us either. I feel awful having them pay for our food/utilities. They're reasonably well off but I still don't like it. I just want to not feel like a burden in someone else's home. I think that's making me feel worse, I know how ungrateful that sounds

She should definitely give the baby back when you ask. But I'm not sure what else she's done wrong-although that's bad enough. Your dp may be minimising your feelings-or he may just be seeing things more clearly-only you will know which it is, not people on here. But really, don't register the baby for a while. Wait until you are 100% sure of your dp.

@GreatDuckCookery tomorrow. She works full time, so at least we'll be alone during the day until about 4-5.

OP, I'm sorry you're feeling so anxious. Having read through your posts, I am wondering whether this might all be a bit of a misunderstanding.

You mentioned that your MIL was supportive throughout your pregnancy and that she wanted you to move in, yet she became very overbearing and started taking over after your baby was born. Your baby is less than a week old and you say that MIL has been away for a few days, so I'm assuming that the unwanted overbearing behaviour from MIL took place in the first couple of days after you were discharged from the hospital.

Is it possible that your MIL was just trying to help you recover from the birth and could she have thought that she was helping by suggesting that you formula feed, offering to take the baby while you rest etc in order to ease some of the pressure/anxiety of being a new mum that you may have been experiencing? How well do you know her? Does her apparently controlling sort of behaviour fit with the person you know or is it out of character?

I would agree with other posters that if you want to try breastfeeding then absolutely you should do that. It sounds like you have loads of milk and baby is less than a week old so could easily learn. Ask your midwife for help if needed and check out breastfeeding tips online.

I hope I don't sound patronising (I certainly don't intend to) but you're bound to be all at sixes and sevens at the moment, having just had your first baby and with a traumatic delivery. You may be feeling your emotions a little more keenly than you normally do and perhaps seeing problems that may not be as bad as they seem.

Take a deep breath and have a chat with MIL. Tell her you're grateful for her help but you need a bit of space to do things your own way and establish yourself as a mother to your baby. If MIL is a decent, kind person she will understand and will back off. But if she refuses to let you do your own thing with your daughter, then I think a few weeks staying with your own mother would be a good idea, to give you time to establish yourself and you and your baby a chance to bond.

@BertrandRussell I'll just have to make excuses not to register for a few weeks, thank you

Op, you've had some great advice (from fizzy in particular). I have a MIL that can tend towards this way too and she didn't understand me wanting to BF my DD, didn't suit her at all. Definitely give it a go if you can, it's win-win for you if it works! So much more convenient (I'm lazy!)

your baby doesnt give a shit about her dad at this point. YOU are who she cares about and who she needs. The father relationship and the GP relationship is by your goodwill and if theyre not making you feel supported and good about your role here as mother, then take your baby where you DO get support

I'm going to eat and then try breastfeeding.

Thank you so much everyone for your advice.

Also, MIL says that breastfeeding is 'incest' and she didn't do it with her five children...

Look, of all the people in the entire building who get to have a say in what happens to you, and to your child, yours is the opinion which matters most right now. In fact it's the only opinon which matters. And you know what, even if it is hormones, baby blues, whatever, you're not going to get over it if the situation doesn't change. And baby blues can descend into postnatal depression and worse very easily, if you don't take steps. What's happening now is resolvable though. First you need to figure out what you and baby need in order to thrive and recover from the birth. It sounds like you need peace and quiet and someone in your corner. That should be your DP. But if he isn't going to do the job, go find someone who will. Your mum might not be overbearing or domineering when it comes to looking after your little one, but I bet she will give you the support you need.

What I'm trying to say is it really really doesn't matter why you feel the way you do right now. What matters is getting yourself in a position to feel better, so you can recover from the birth and care for your baby. If the situation you're in right now doesn't allow that, you need to change it, for your own good, and the good of your baby. You are the one who gets the final say now, you're a mum, and that means when it comes to your six day old baby, what you say goes. If you don't have the confidence to mean it, then fake it til you make it, but remember that you are the boss, your word is final, and what you want for your baby is what baby gets. good luck.

That's a horrible thing for her to say! I've never heard anyone say that. Crikey.

I think that if your own mum "isn't very motherly" you might just not be used to you MiL's style. I agree with 80smum. There is no rational reason why your Mil would want to keep your baby and she hasn't even been there for days. I assume that she is in her 50s or 60s and it sounds to me as though she was trying to be supportive, not realising that some people parent differently now to how they did things. Everything is new to you at the moment and you are in a new environment as well. That puts everyone on edge.

Also, MIL says that breastfeeding is 'incest' and she didn't do it with her five children...

Oh dear! The Hills are that way >>>>>>>>>

Your MIL is a twat. Breastfeeding is the most natural and wonderful thing, literally cannot believe she put effort into talking you out of it. Sounds like she's jealous and wants more baby time to herself. Your daughter is very very young, she needs to develop her Mummy and Daddy bonds. Good luck with the breastfeeding, it really is so easy once you get the hang of it.