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Original poster

MIL wants me out

545 replies

Lost111 · 03/06/2018 13:00

I gave birth 6 days ago and I am living with my DPs family and will be until probably early next year.

The pregnancy was unplanned, we have no money and my DP's parents have been kind enough to take us in. My DP starts a new higher paid job in September and I'll go back to work in January. So this is just temporary and we will be back on our feet shortly.

My MIL was lovely to me during my pregnancy and we went out together a few times. But since the baby has been born, she's really taken over. She keeps telling me to go upstairs so that she can feed the baby and kept refusing to give the baby back to me when I asked. It's very overwhelming and tough for me as I am her mum and want to look after her myself! I am perfectly able to do so. She keeps referring to the baby as 'her baby' too, it's very frustrating.

She has been shunning me a lot and I feel very upset and alone. DP says that it's all fine, but I can definitely sense some hostility. He also refuses to move before we can really afford it we we'd be struggling for money, which of course makes sense. I just feel like I am a burden and she wants me out and have my DP and baby there alone.

She's been away for a few days and I sent her a message thanking her for how she was with me when I was pregnant; she read it but didn't respond.

What do I do?

OP posts:
whywontteenswearcoats · 04/06/2018 11:18

De-lurking to say Hanna I have so much respect for you. I read your thread with growing horror and for you to be able to give OP such strong advice now shows how far you have come in a short time. Lost, please take on board what she is saying.
My mil was very overbearing when I had DD1, saying things like "I've finally got my girl", she couldn't have any more after DH. She turned up unannounced with a carload of visitors when we refused to take DD to hers the day we came home from hospital, I was sitting on a rubber ring, put a birth announcement in her local paper (despite me receiving poison pen letters from DH's ex when our marriage announcement went in). There's lots more but I could grin and bear it as she wasn't living with us and I had the support of DH, when he found out about the newspaper thing he asked her to leave. If I was you at least speak to your mum, even if you don't go to stay with her, she might surprise you. When I was pregnant with our second I was worried about what mil would be like and opened up to my mum who did two things, gave me a row for not telling her sooner and second said "you just leave her to me". Never did find out what DM did or said but mil was good as gold from then on.

Usernameunknown2 · 04/06/2018 11:22

Try a breastfeeding clinic. Mine didnt magically latch either. Its so disheartening i felt awful and irrationally annoyed at my baby for it. Its easy for some but for the majority its bloody hard.

another20 · 04/06/2018 11:23

Text your MIL the ground rules before she arrives home - so she has time to digest it and you don’t have the trauma of waiting for an incident and having to waste your limited precious time and emotional energy on a confrontation when you could be calm peaceful and relaxed ovenproof moving your daughter. If you don’t send the text you know she will be OTT. Not responding to your other text tells you loads.

StaplesCorner · 04/06/2018 11:26

Many of us will remember Hanna and I think we were not citing her experience as we didn't want to scare you - but - there are lots of similarities. I'd still be saying get to your mums ASAP even if just to prove your DP will not prevent you from going.

another20 · 04/06/2018 11:27

“Hi MIL, hope you had a great holiday. Just to let you know that I will not be receiving any more visitors for the time being, so please can you let and F&F know not to drop in. I am also working in breastfeeding and bonding with DD so would really appreciate your support by giving us some uninterrupted space and time. I will let you know if and how I need help”

another20 · 04/06/2018 11:28

You need to be v blunt with these type of characters.

another20 · 04/06/2018 11:30

*ovenproof.....lovebombing - but same sentiment!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/06/2018 11:42

I think most of us who are suggesting OP goes to her mum's are not suggesting she LTB as well, just gives herself some space to be by herself with her baby to bond and maybe establish breastfeeding in a more supportive environment.

Depending on how her DP reacts to that, will give the OP insight into how her relationship is likely to progress.

But at this stage there is no reason for her to split with him unless she wants to. She just needs to get away from the MIL.

SpandexTutu · 04/06/2018 11:42

So the most important issue here is that you can enjoy this important time with your newborn in a safe and supportive environment. You will be all over the place with hormones, tired, in pain and don't need anybody else adding any more stress.
Get over to your mum's for at least a few days, forget about your MIL and put yourself first.
When you feel able, then you can deal with the rest of what is going on.
But for the next week at least only think about what is best for you and your baby. Everyone else can whistle.

NameChangingParanoid · 04/06/2018 12:01

Best of luck with the breastfeeding, my baby was ill in hospital so I ended up starting to breast feed at 6 weeks! I had expressed before that so it might be a good idea to start expressing to get the milk going & then try again with baby?

DragonMummy1418 · 04/06/2018 12:11

I'm very worried because if his parents kick me out then I will be homeless. I'm terrified that they're going to kick me out and keep the baby.

I've not read the thread past this and I just wanted to say that they absolutely can't keep your baby, it's illegal for a start!

There are women's shelters you can go to with your baby - you will not be homeless!

Am going to read the rest of your thread now. Thanks

JellyBaby666 · 04/06/2018 12:18

I just wanted to send you hugs and I hope things get better. Please be gentle on yourself, its an enormous change being a parent, and it's okay to have hard days!

Regardless of how you feed your baby, do lots of skin to skin, it will calm you & baby, secure that bond and give you that time together.

another20 · 04/06/2018 15:10

Just wanted to share my experience of breastfeeding - was different with each of my 4 children - one latched on and was feeding away effortlessly. Another took two weeks just to get latched on and then another 6 weeks to establish any sort of pattern. Final one was in SCUBU so had to be bottle fed for a few weeks and then I tried to BF. It was v tough as she was really hungry. I think you need a very supportive and calm environment to work hard for quite a few weeks to establish BF. But there is lots of help online and in RL which you can access - no need to do it alone. Good luck and take care xx

rainbowstardrops · 04/06/2018 15:41

Blimey, all this is the last thing you need just after having a baby.
Yes your MIL might just be overly excited but that doesn't mean she can do what on earth she likes. Your DP sounds awful and not very supported. Hope things settle soon Thanks

Juells · 04/06/2018 15:45

I can't understand how fucking crazy everything goes with some families, when a new baby is born. At the very moment when the mother needs the most support, a calm environment, some husbands and PiL go barmy and abusive. I can't even remember what it was that made me run away, but the peace and relaxation once I was home with my mother was unbelievable. I went back eventually, but got a job very quickly so we could have a flat of our own. Even that caused a row, I'd been searching for one for ages, finally found one, and when I said we'd be moving out at the end of the week FiL turned really nasty. "So, you've been living here for six months and now you just turn around and say you're moving out in a few days time, just like that". I said "But...but...but you know we've been flat-hunting" but he wasn't having anything, it showed complete lack of consideration. On my part, of course, not on his son's.

rainbowruthie · 04/06/2018 15:46

Have been following your thread from the start, just wanted to send you some kind thoughts and to say that I hope you will find a way forward that includes your DP and your MIL.
I don't really believe that she 'wants you out' or 'wants to keep your baby' (she can't do the latter anyway)
You are facing enormous changes in your life as is your DP, hope that you get some useful help from your HCP Flowers

LoniceraJaponica · 04/06/2018 15:55

Lost111 you haven't said anything about the midwife coming to see you. She is still coming isn't she? You could ask her for breastfeeding support. You could also call the National Breastfeeding Helpline on 0300 100 0212.

The La Leche League site is helpful, as is Kellymom

Original poster
Lost111 · 04/06/2018 16:28

Hi everyone,

Thank you for your advice and sharing your experiences.

I'm in a lot of pain and bleeding a lot today. Thank God for painkillers.

Midwife came today and checked my stitches, said that it looked like a 'donkey had kicked it'. She's also said that unless I'm incredibly eager to not pursue BF and to focus on getting myself stronger.

MIL still not home and I'm still on edge. I know we'll have to take the baby downstairs and play pass the parcel when everyone's home. I've warned DP that I will leave if I feel undermined at any point. He still thinks that I'm being ridiculous and it's caused an atmosphere between us. He said that I'm a control freak and that my hormones are playing up 'do you want a harmonica? Because you've got the blues'

I have reminded him that I gave birth a week ago and it's my maternal instinct to want to look after my own child. Madness.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 04/06/2018 16:31

He is very unkind. What a shit.

Don't go down. Don't let the baby go down. Look after yourself. Consider a break at your mum's.

Xxxx

AaronPurrSir · 04/06/2018 16:33

Don’t go downstairs with the baby. Tell them the midwife has told you you have to rest and to spend some time alone with your baby. If mil doesn’t like it, tough shit. What you say goes.

GirlGang · 04/06/2018 16:34

You're very diplomatic OP.
I'd of told him to go fuck himself.

Original poster
Lost111 · 04/06/2018 16:36

I know that she'll kick off that she hadn't seen the baby in a few days. Is it incredibly rude if I just say that I want her upstairs with me?? Am I coming across as possessive?

OP posts:
AaronPurrSir · 04/06/2018 16:37

You are her mother! You have every right to be possessive.

Juells · 04/06/2018 16:40

do you want a harmonica? Because you've got the blues

Is he actually trying to drive you away? Or does he think he's being jolly and funny? It's nuts to 'accuse' you of being hormonal. Yes you're fucking hormonal, you've just had a baby, it's how you're supposed to be.

Wanker.

LightDrizzle · 04/06/2018 16:41

No, that isn’t possessive, it’s honest and normal. Two generations ago you would still be in a nursing home with 2 hours visiting a day and nursing care!
Did you discuss how you are feeling and the broader situation with your midwife?
I really think you need to confide in someone in real life.

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